Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's Note; I only have about one possibly two more chapters on this, not bad for a one shot, and I'm hoping to have it done before I go on vacation. If not well I just might have to see if I can borrow my brother's computer. Thanks one and all for your reviews, this story was so different because it required a lot more thought then what I usually put into a story so much thinking does tend to hurt the head at times. R.

Chapter Eight:

Truth be known I wasn't big into meditation it had its uses I was willing to say that much for it but I did take after my dad when it came to the mental aspects of ninjitsu in other words it wasn't my thing.

I knew though that Sensei usually had a reason for any task that he set me, but I couldn't begin to understand how meditation was supposed to help me with being a jonin when he himself had just finished telling me that I was going to fail as a jonin anyways. Why would they even want a jonin who was going to fail the clan was beyond me, especially when they could pick someone else for the task. I think Kaliann might do all right as one; it might even come naturally to her as she did take after her dad's temperament and attitude.

I entered the meditation room and lit a few candles before sinking to the mats and assuming the lotus position before trying to clear my mind.

It wasn't an easy task today especially as I had all the problems from earlier today still swimming around my mind along with my doubts and fears. Never mind the questions that continued to plaque me.

Striving for enlightenment was one thing achieving it was another. Just when I thought I was nearing that empty oasis that marked the beginning of any meditation session some stray thought would pop into my mind from out of nowhere as if to say " Look at me! Pay attention to me! I'm here!"

Sensei's voice hard and firm "Ramiela you must be more alert and take your responsibilities more seriously."

Splinter's kind gentle tone advising me " Better to act as well as keep it in mind."

Cathy's tender reproach " Listen to yourself Rama your accepting guilt which isn't fully yours."

Sensei almost teasing, "You're anything but Normal!"

Aiden's remark "Maybe you only think you have to live up to expectations."

Uncle Raphael informing me " It's up to you to decide."

Dad's rebuke from this morning "You think Leo is going to let you continue in this flagrant disregard of authority?"

And Sensei's final comment, "You are the future Jonin Ramiela that can not be changed, the choice is yours."

These and many other thoughts seemed to impede me on my path to enlightenment. I sighed wistfully wondering what choice was mine; it quite obviously wasn't my choice to be Jonin.

After a good bit of time and perseverance I was able to finally enter a meditative state. Perhaps meditation was exactly what I needed at this point. I could definitely use a little light on the subject and some new insight I was rather tired of chasing the same old thoughts through my mind, or were my thoughts chasing me?

When I finally roused myself I found that some hours had passed, more importantly my mind was a greater deal clearer then when I had started the exercise.

It was as if I had an answer to a great deal of the problems that had come up for me in the day. I wondered if I had been going about my problems in the wrong way allowing them to seem bigger then what they really were. Letting those small nit-picky things that could upset or disturb anyone take hold of me and grow to overwhelming proportions instead of just accepting them and moving on.

I had been longing to be normal, but a ninja wasn't and couldn't be normal they were a cut above, not really governed or ruled by those who held power as the ninja were separate from the Emperor's, or daimyo's rules and dictates. We were not Samurai who followed bushido for a ninja must sometimes go against even the code of the samurai. The sword was the soul of the samurai but a ninja knew that the body and mind was so much more than the sword could ever be. The ninja was not the lowly peasant though he might assume such a role they were far too educated for that.

Uncle Raphael in some ways was right I was normal for a ninja turtle.

Yet I had not fully been following the ninja way and the ninja code for if I had been I would have recalled that everything is change, and reality, in whole or part was only temporary at best. A true ninja knew there was strength in weakness, and that laughter could be power, where in was yo and innocence was wisdom.

I had forgotten or neglected to remember a great deal of this teaching, as of recently but my meditation had opened the door to a more open mind and thus allowed a different understanding of my present situation and predicament.

I realized in many ways that I wasn't acting the kunoichi that I was supposed to be and my misbehaving of late was setting a bad example for others within the clan.

After all I had been rebelling against not just my dad, but also against Sensei and the Master acting in many ways like I was above reproach or correction, then why could not Aiden act in a similar fashion?

In many ways I realized, much to my regret and dismay that Sensei had been right I was responsible for Aiden slipping away and disregarding my orders I had been doing much the same thing for some time now. He had only followed my example, well possibly not followed for Aiden disobeyed and fought many orders, but still my rebelling as well could give him the excuse to follow. I shuddered as I realized the full consequences of my actions and what could have been. I truly had been placing myself, and others in harm's way by disregarding the rules.

Still I couldn't deny that there was some worth to what Cathy herself had said we are all responsible for our own actions.

There might be a balance somewhere between those two ends of responsibility and acceptance of it but I had to consider that some more before I would be fully able to say for sure if there was a middle ground or not. Or even if that middle ground would even be of use in a ninja clan.

I looked at my present actions of late and realized that I had been shirking responsibility a great deal, as well as ignoring my duty to the clan and that in turn was affecting the others in the clan as well as the honor our clan had. I winced with that thought feeling very ashamed and embarrassed that my actions of late had been more like a spoiled two year old demanding " I want, I want. I want!"

Just like that two year old I was reacting to things around me instead of acting. A two year old could react until they learned other ways, it was part of growing but I was supposed to be beyond all that. The difference between reacting and acting were quite severe if you considered the outcome of both.

Most martial arts schools trained by physical conditioning of the body and technique memorization and I suppose that was all fine in its place. Ninjitsu training worked more on the mind taking it a step further so the ninja also learned qualities of awareness and detachment that were not taught in karate, or any other form of martial art.

Heightened awareness or senses helped the ninja detect certain things that others would miss. Detachment allowed the ninja to almost step back from a situation he was engaged in and look at the whole picture instead of a corner of it, by seeing more he could then do more.

For instance, in a battle instead of concentrating on what your opponent might do, and how you will counter that move. Simply strike a defensive posture and act solely on what he does. You aren't out to BEAT your adversary rather you allow him to make mistakes that will bring about his downfall while, keeping yourself relatively unharmed. You are more open and are more able to guess what his intentions are. The more his mistakes cost him the more determined your opponent will become in defeating you. He reacts, You act.

One must always be in the moment acting over reacting when the mind wanders the quality of one's actions decrease.

Another way of looking at it is say you are learning something new that you are having trouble understanding it is just beyond your grasp. You try it and make a mistake, so you end up focusing on the mistake and you end up making things worse as you continue. If you relaxed for a bit and tried again not worrying about the mistake you would find that you had improved.

" You have reacted far too much Ramiela, and acted far too little." I scolded myself.

I was surprised Sensei hadn't yet taken me in hand and punished me severely for all my misdeeds and general attitude of late.

Course he might be permitting me a little leeway while giving me a chance to adjust to the changes going on around the clan. Perhaps he had only recently decided it was time to rein me in and get me focused once again and back on track, which I knew from experience meant if I didn't get it together soon I was going to be one sorry ninja.

I knew at seventeen I was fully capable of taking on more responsibility only problem was I still didn't know if I wanted the responsibility of jonin.

I had always wanted to be a ninja, even when I was a young child I couldn't dream of being any thing but. I suppose most kids want to become policeman, doctors, or even stranger things like superman or spiderman or some other hero real or imagined.

As far as I was concerned a ninja was the best part of all heroes rolled into one. I mean my family helped uphold the law and save lives, we knew many medical techniques that could help those who were seriously injured or sick. We could climb tall buildings with ease and dodge speeding bullets, we could read minds, and control our environment as well as our bodies, we could use shadows to our advantage appearing and disappearing at will, we could steal with ease, we knew more about potions and poisons then any wizard ever dreamed of, and our enemies lived in fear of us.

Come on who wouldn't want to be a ninja?

Fearless, powerful, and a force to be reckoned with that is what a ninja is. Best of all there was no going over to the dark side either. Now THAT is what I'm talking about!

Growing up and seeing what my family did I could only dream of being like them one day a real ninja.

I never doubted any of my training I firmly believed that what Sensei and the Master taught me would help me achieve that goal that I yearned for so badly.

Yet when I had been told about the next challenge awaiting me, I like a craven coward longed to reject it. Even worse, I had all the nerve the outright audacity even to say the Master and Sensei didn't know what they were talking about.

I recalled dad saying that as a teenager I thought I knew it all, but I felt I didn't know enough and the opposite was far more correct, and yet here I was telling the elders of the clan that they were essentially wrong.

I wasn't the jonin, I couldn't be jonin and they didn't know what they were talking about.

I knew in my heart I didn't know it all, not even close sometimes about the only thing I am sure of is how much I don't know and have yet to learn. However I felt I had known enough to decide who was and wasn't the future jonin in our clan.

I had never in my life disrespected my Sensei or Master so greatly as I had with my present actions.

With age came wisdom, wisdom gained through knowledge of things around you, from years of living. Knowledge that, could be passed on so others could benefit from it in their own journeys. I had disregarded all of that and in essence had said I knew better then they did and they ought to listen to me instead of the other way around.

" Oh Sensei, Master Splinter I was so wrong if I had faith enough in you two to turn me into the ninja I am I should have maintained that faith in you to teach me to be jonin. I deserve the beating of my life for this, I literally deserve to be chucked out of my shell." I whispered feeling greatly ashamed for all my disrespect towards them. I felt hot bitter tears burn at my eyes.

The Master was wise beyond the knowledge of books, and in all his wisdom and knowledge he had chosen me as the future leader. He had made the best choice possible for the future of his clan. I was that choice!

I felt sincerely humbled and for the first time honored by it. He had chosen me long before his faculties diminished and I'm sure that if he had seen anything that might make him reconsider he would have done so.

I raised cupped hands over my mouth for a bit and began to rock slightly as the tears started to roll, normally I didn't like to cry, especially openly like this, if I felt the need to cry I would usually do so in my room, but for once I let the tears fall with out worrying over who might see me. I was past caring.

I would put my trust in sensei to form me into a jonin worthy of the clan.

" You'll fail. You will never be as good as they are. Even your own Sensei said you would fail." Came a random thought to mock and torment me.

Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours. I countered silently.

If I believed I was going to fail then fail I would. If I had no interest or desire in being jonin then all the training I was given would be for naught. I would not give of myself to the training not accepting the knowledge that was being offered and that alone could bring about the downfall of our clan.

I was wasting both Sensei's and my time by doing so and Sensei didn't have much time to waste, not when he had so many other duties to oversee and care for.

It was no wonder he said what he had, nor was it much of a surprise that he would refuse teaching me until I made my choice, he could devout his time to other things if I wasn't willing to give my best to him, not to mention placing my trust in him.

If I were going to be a proper jonin I would have to give my all to it.

I wanted to do just that though I was still a little afraid of all it included but I knew the best action against fear was to act, not react to it. If I gave my all and did my best then I ought to be able to at least live up to what was expected and handle the challenge before me.

I had to keep in mind that I had not been picked randomly but for a reason, and while I might not know what that reason was I had to believe and keep faith in those who knew the whys.

I slowly got up from the mat stretching a bit, maybe there was more to this meditation thing then I was able to see for I had gained a great deal from this session and felt more at peace then I had for some time.

I was still nervous and uneasy about being jonin but I was sure I could grow into it. I sighed, late, as it was I had to talk to Sensei and make an apology to him as well for my lack of faith and behaviour.

TBC

Author's Note the term in and yo is the Japanese version of yin and yang, all things positive and negative in one aspect. Separate they are two different things but can be combined to make one.

Reinbeauchaser: Ah yes, the eyes of a sensei powerful things and Leo uses them well. Course he might have a problem with a blind person, the look just wouldn't do much good then.

Pretender: Do any of us really know what we want out of life? Sometimes yes it takes falling before flying, sometimes it takes something else but all life is but a journey.

Lenni: Being Jonin takes a lot and Rama is fully aware of that fact, it is partially why she is so afraid of failing.