Addendum to the author's note: Sorry about the lack of update recently, but I've just moved, so yeah, that's been taking up the vast majority of my time. However, it also on some level inspired me, as you'll be able to tell from this little interlude.... mwahahahahahaha! I know well the terrors of an I-95 road trip! Er, yeah.
Beware Central Florida. You really can get pulled over in Starke like this. Also, there really is a city in Florida that banned the devil. We all wanted to drive through wearing horns and playing Black Sabbath, but could never remember which town it was. Anyone know?
"The Astronomer's Cat" is a road trip game, in which the players take turns trying to think of as many adjectives starting with a certain letter as possible, such as "the astronomer's cat is an atrocious cat". When someone can't think of another adjective, they move on to the next letter, from a to b to c, etc.
Roads Less Traveled
by Casix Thistlebane
Interlude
Waldo Road, Gainesville
"Wooooohooooo!"
Xander grinned. "And we're off!"
Dawn rolled down the window, sticking her head out. "I love this jobbbbbb!"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Rt. 301, Starke, FL
"Do you know what the speed limit is here?"
Xander peering out at the police officer, shading his eyes from the blue flashes behind him. "35 miles per hour?"
"That's right. And do you know how fast you were going?"
"Um, 36 miles per hour?"
"Right again. Licence and registration please."
Xander frowned. "What?"
The officer stared down at him. "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"No!" The officer glared, and Xander flinched. "No, sir, I have not."
"Hrmph." The officer glanced over at Dawn, who was sorting through the glove compartment for the registration. "You two devil worshipers?"
"What?" Xander was becoming exceedingly frustrated. Central Florida, he decided, was a strange and scary place. Perhaps even more so than Sunnydale had been.
"You know there's a town not far from here that's banned the devil. We here in Starke are gettin' ready to do the same. We don't take kindly to you young heathens speeding recklessly through our town."
"With all due respect, sir," Xander's mouth moved before he could think about it. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
The officer stiffened. "Step out of the car please."
"Crap."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I-10, Jacksonville, FL
Xander shifted painfully in his seat, cursing softly to himself as he kept a sharp eye on the mirrors, watching for more cops.
He was certain that a full body cavity search had somehow violated his rights as an individual.
"50 fucking dollars for one mile over the speed limit . . . ."
"You could always take it to court," Dawn shrugged.
"I never want to come here again."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Florida, near the Georgia border, on I-95
"Val Jean, at last, we see each other plain!" Xander belted out the lyrics of the song in his somewhat tuneless baritone, removing one hand from the wheel to gesture grandly towards the windshield. "M. La Mayor, you'll wear a different chain!"
"Before you say another word, Javier! Before you chain me up like a slave again! Listen to me! There is something I must dooooooo," Dawn's much more melodic voice chimed in, her unfettered hands clutching at her breast. "This woman leaves behind a suffering child! There is none but me who can intercede! In mercy's name! Three days are all I need. Then I'll return, I pledge my word, then I'll return–"
"You must think me mad!" Xander thumped his hand on the steering wheel. "I've hunted you across the years! Men like you can never change, a maaaaaaan such as yoooooooooou,"
Their voices mixed over those of the cd as Javier and Val Jean bickered musically. Xander's face was split in an almost painful grin, it had been so long since he'd gotten the chance to really enjoy a musical, since he'd been able to let go and just sing whether he was good at it or not. It was moments like these which had led him to summoning Sweet, in hopes of bringing about a bit of catharsis and pleasure to his friends.
"I swear to you, I will be there!" The final note died away amidst their laughter, and the cd continued as Florida gave way to Georgia, and the two looked forward to a long and cheerful trip to Virginia.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I-95 in southern Georgia
"Well, Buffy's definitely Cosette. So that'd make, um, Angel Marius." Dawn scrunched her face up. "And Giles Val Jean. That doesn't quite work."
"How about Faith as Val Jean? What with having broken out of prison and everything. Oooh, and Wesley can be Javier!" Xander riffled through the various characters of the musical. "Who would I be?"
Dawn studied him. "Thenardier. Definitely. Total comic relief, 'beggar at the feast' and all that,"
"Cool. Who would you be?"
"Eponine." Dawn was firm. "Well, except for the whole in love with Marius thing."
"You'd make a fantastic Eponine."
"Flatterer."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern Georgia
"The astronomer's cat is an apathetic cat."
Xander frowned, racking his brain. "The astronomer's cat is an annoying cat."
"The astronomer's cat is an anthropomorphic cat."
"The astronomer's cat is an amber cat."
"The astronomer's cat is an antidisestablishmentarian cat."
"Um." Xander shrugged, and passed an 18-wheeler. "The astronomer's cat is an angry cat?"
"Already said that one."
"Fine then. B."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern Georgia
"Let's stop here for dinner."
"Waffle House?" Dawn frowned. "What's that?"
"Ghetto IHOP?"
"Whatever, sounds good."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
South Carolina, just over the border
"The astronomer's cat is a gentle cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a gentile cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a gruesome cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a gregarious cat."
"No fair, your vocabulary is bigger than mine!"
Dawn stuck her tongue out at him and laughed.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Southern South Carolina
"Pit stop!" Xander pulled the car over toward the exit.
Dawn looked up from the dashboard, and grimaced. "No, Xander."
"Come on!"
"No more Waffle House!"
"But, hash browns! Smothered, covered, othered hash browns!"
"We've stopped at the last three Waffle Houses, Xander, not even Faith can handle that much grease!"
"You're no fun any more."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Mid South Carolina
"The astronomer's cat is a questionable cat."
"Right then, R." Xander began thinking.
"Xander, you didn't even try Q!"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Ten miles further on
Dawn opened the cd case, only to find Xander's hand landing on top of hers.
"No."
"But–"
"No, Dawn."
"Come on, we listened to your cd last."
"No Avril Levigne and that's final."
"You're no fun any more."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern South Carolina
"The astronomer's cat is a xenophobic cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a xylophonic cat."
"Xylophonic?"
"Yeah."
"Not a word."
"Fine. Xanderific?"
Dawn shook her head.
Xander growled. "The cat's frickin' yellow then."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern end of South Carolina
"Ooo! Can we–"
"Nope."
"But, hats! Around the world!"
Xander glared at the cheerfully neon sombrero.
"I just want to get there."
"We've got two states left."
"I know."
"Oh. Okay."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Southern North Carolina
"The astronomer's cat is a zoological cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a dead cat."
"That's not a Z,"
"And yet it's true. Dead cat. Game over."
"Fine."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Fifteen miles later
"Suddenly Seymour is standing beside you," Xander crooned softly, turning slightly to grasp Dawn's chin. "You don't need no make-up, don't have to pretend! Suddenly Seymour is here to provide you sweet understanding. Seymour's your friend!"
Dawn smiled. "Let's play the 'Feed Me' song again."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Mid North Carolina
"Um, Dawn?"
Dawn yawned. "Yeah?"
"What did that sign just say?"
"Something about a beach?"
"Oh."
Dawn glanced over at Xander, who was developing impressive bags beneath his eyes. "What did you think it said?"
Xander grinned sheepishly. "Gypsy Death."
"Pull over, Xander."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern North Carolina
"Xander, please stop playing with the cd player."
Xander took his hand away from the search button. "I'm bored."
"Read my book then."
"'Light in August'? I'd rather die."
Dawn grinned. "Robin sent a new one down with the gang. It's good, I've already finished it." Dawn pointed to the front pocket of her backpack, which sat on the floor of the passenger seat.
"'The Alchemist'?" Xander shrugged. "I suppose if there's nothing better to do."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
40 miles later
"Xander,"
"Mm."
"Xander."
"Mmhm, that's nice."
"Xander!"
Xander shot his head up from the book. "What?"
"I'm stopping for gas. Do you need to pee?"
"Nah." Xander stuck his head back into the book. Dawn grinned, and opened her car door.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
North Carolina/Virginia border
"Tree ents!" Dawn swerved the car, and it swung wildly between lanes for several moments, bringing a lot of honks from the poor people in the cars around them.
Xander dropped the book, snapping his head up. "What?!"
Dawn wrestled the car back into the lanes, taking deep breaths and pointing through the windshield. "Tree ents. Crossing the highway. Holy shit."
Xander frowned. "Pull over, Dawn, time to switch again."
"But, tree ents . . . ."
"Pull over."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I-95 through Richmond Virginia
"I mean, is this it?"
"Someone's got to look for the slayers, Xander."
"I know that," Xander pulled around a stopped cop car, slowing the car ever so slightly to the speed limit. "But is it our, whatsit, personal legend?"
"Xander," Dawn smirked at him. "It was just a book."
"But books are wise things, Dawnie. Maybe we're really supposed to be traveling to the Egyptian pyramids."
"Then we'll do it." Dawn shrugged. "Eventually. For now, though, we need to go find more slayers."
Xander shrugged, his mind falling back to pondering Santiago and the desert caravan. A few minutes later, he turned to look at Dawn again.
"Does he find it?"
"Does who find what?"
"Santiago. The treasure. Does he find it at the pyramids?"
"Nope, he dies horribly at the end." Dawn grinned. "That's why we have to read it for classes, because it's depressing and it kills our ambitions to ever rise above the status we were born into as Americans."
"Oh." Xander frowned. "That sucks, what the hell did you let me read that book for?"
Dawn smirked. "Finish the book, and you'll see."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
A hotel in Northern Virginia
"Dawn." Xander tapped the girl on the shoulder. "Dawnie, wake up."
Dawn snorted and blinked her eyes. "Are we there yet?"
"Not quite," Xander pointed to the hotel. "Figured we'd crash here tonight, then get the last few miles in in the morning."
Dawn sleepily opened her door. "'Kay."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Hotel lobby
"Here's your keys, Mr. Harris, and check out is at 10 am."
"Xander!" Dawn hissed into his ear, gesturing wildly through the glass doors. "Xander, look!"
Xander followed her gesture. A group of what looked like college students were loitering around outside the door, smoking, talking, and gesturing esoterically.
Dawn was staring suspiciously at them. "I heard them talking on the way in, they're vampires!"
Xander frowned, his hand moving toward his stake, until he saw one of the group hold their hand up to their chin, pinkie raised toward the sky. He grinned.
"They're not vampires, Dawn."
"But they–"
"Oh, no, they're much worse."
Dawn paled. "What are they?"
"LARPers."
end interlude
tbc in "The Sad Tale of Bunnyman"
post-script: the two musicals were Les Mis (of course), and Little Shop of Horrors, which, coincidentally, was the inspiration for my first ever Buffy fic, Little Hellmouth of Horrors, which as far as I know, no longer exists anywhere but in brief snippets in an old spiral notebook. Ah well, it was, like most first attempts, rather not great.
Also, I mean no disrespect to LARPers. I happen to have played a few myself, in FL and soon, in VA as well. And yes, I do think that Xander would know who they were. Just another level of his geekdom, really.
"The Alchemist" is by Paulo Coehlo, and I highly recommend it to everybody. No, I didn't spoil the end. Dawn is being all sarcastic like.
And now, I will shut up.
Beware Central Florida. You really can get pulled over in Starke like this. Also, there really is a city in Florida that banned the devil. We all wanted to drive through wearing horns and playing Black Sabbath, but could never remember which town it was. Anyone know?
"The Astronomer's Cat" is a road trip game, in which the players take turns trying to think of as many adjectives starting with a certain letter as possible, such as "the astronomer's cat is an atrocious cat". When someone can't think of another adjective, they move on to the next letter, from a to b to c, etc.
Roads Less Traveled
by Casix Thistlebane
Interlude
Waldo Road, Gainesville
"Wooooohooooo!"
Xander grinned. "And we're off!"
Dawn rolled down the window, sticking her head out. "I love this jobbbbbb!"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Rt. 301, Starke, FL
"Do you know what the speed limit is here?"
Xander peering out at the police officer, shading his eyes from the blue flashes behind him. "35 miles per hour?"
"That's right. And do you know how fast you were going?"
"Um, 36 miles per hour?"
"Right again. Licence and registration please."
Xander frowned. "What?"
The officer stared down at him. "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"No!" The officer glared, and Xander flinched. "No, sir, I have not."
"Hrmph." The officer glanced over at Dawn, who was sorting through the glove compartment for the registration. "You two devil worshipers?"
"What?" Xander was becoming exceedingly frustrated. Central Florida, he decided, was a strange and scary place. Perhaps even more so than Sunnydale had been.
"You know there's a town not far from here that's banned the devil. We here in Starke are gettin' ready to do the same. We don't take kindly to you young heathens speeding recklessly through our town."
"With all due respect, sir," Xander's mouth moved before he could think about it. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
The officer stiffened. "Step out of the car please."
"Crap."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I-10, Jacksonville, FL
Xander shifted painfully in his seat, cursing softly to himself as he kept a sharp eye on the mirrors, watching for more cops.
He was certain that a full body cavity search had somehow violated his rights as an individual.
"50 fucking dollars for one mile over the speed limit . . . ."
"You could always take it to court," Dawn shrugged.
"I never want to come here again."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Florida, near the Georgia border, on I-95
"Val Jean, at last, we see each other plain!" Xander belted out the lyrics of the song in his somewhat tuneless baritone, removing one hand from the wheel to gesture grandly towards the windshield. "M. La Mayor, you'll wear a different chain!"
"Before you say another word, Javier! Before you chain me up like a slave again! Listen to me! There is something I must dooooooo," Dawn's much more melodic voice chimed in, her unfettered hands clutching at her breast. "This woman leaves behind a suffering child! There is none but me who can intercede! In mercy's name! Three days are all I need. Then I'll return, I pledge my word, then I'll return–"
"You must think me mad!" Xander thumped his hand on the steering wheel. "I've hunted you across the years! Men like you can never change, a maaaaaaan such as yoooooooooou,"
Their voices mixed over those of the cd as Javier and Val Jean bickered musically. Xander's face was split in an almost painful grin, it had been so long since he'd gotten the chance to really enjoy a musical, since he'd been able to let go and just sing whether he was good at it or not. It was moments like these which had led him to summoning Sweet, in hopes of bringing about a bit of catharsis and pleasure to his friends.
"I swear to you, I will be there!" The final note died away amidst their laughter, and the cd continued as Florida gave way to Georgia, and the two looked forward to a long and cheerful trip to Virginia.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I-95 in southern Georgia
"Well, Buffy's definitely Cosette. So that'd make, um, Angel Marius." Dawn scrunched her face up. "And Giles Val Jean. That doesn't quite work."
"How about Faith as Val Jean? What with having broken out of prison and everything. Oooh, and Wesley can be Javier!" Xander riffled through the various characters of the musical. "Who would I be?"
Dawn studied him. "Thenardier. Definitely. Total comic relief, 'beggar at the feast' and all that,"
"Cool. Who would you be?"
"Eponine." Dawn was firm. "Well, except for the whole in love with Marius thing."
"You'd make a fantastic Eponine."
"Flatterer."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern Georgia
"The astronomer's cat is an apathetic cat."
Xander frowned, racking his brain. "The astronomer's cat is an annoying cat."
"The astronomer's cat is an anthropomorphic cat."
"The astronomer's cat is an amber cat."
"The astronomer's cat is an antidisestablishmentarian cat."
"Um." Xander shrugged, and passed an 18-wheeler. "The astronomer's cat is an angry cat?"
"Already said that one."
"Fine then. B."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern Georgia
"Let's stop here for dinner."
"Waffle House?" Dawn frowned. "What's that?"
"Ghetto IHOP?"
"Whatever, sounds good."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
South Carolina, just over the border
"The astronomer's cat is a gentle cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a gentile cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a gruesome cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a gregarious cat."
"No fair, your vocabulary is bigger than mine!"
Dawn stuck her tongue out at him and laughed.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Southern South Carolina
"Pit stop!" Xander pulled the car over toward the exit.
Dawn looked up from the dashboard, and grimaced. "No, Xander."
"Come on!"
"No more Waffle House!"
"But, hash browns! Smothered, covered, othered hash browns!"
"We've stopped at the last three Waffle Houses, Xander, not even Faith can handle that much grease!"
"You're no fun any more."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Mid South Carolina
"The astronomer's cat is a questionable cat."
"Right then, R." Xander began thinking.
"Xander, you didn't even try Q!"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Ten miles further on
Dawn opened the cd case, only to find Xander's hand landing on top of hers.
"No."
"But–"
"No, Dawn."
"Come on, we listened to your cd last."
"No Avril Levigne and that's final."
"You're no fun any more."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern South Carolina
"The astronomer's cat is a xenophobic cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a xylophonic cat."
"Xylophonic?"
"Yeah."
"Not a word."
"Fine. Xanderific?"
Dawn shook her head.
Xander growled. "The cat's frickin' yellow then."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern end of South Carolina
"Ooo! Can we–"
"Nope."
"But, hats! Around the world!"
Xander glared at the cheerfully neon sombrero.
"I just want to get there."
"We've got two states left."
"I know."
"Oh. Okay."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Southern North Carolina
"The astronomer's cat is a zoological cat."
"The astronomer's cat is a dead cat."
"That's not a Z,"
"And yet it's true. Dead cat. Game over."
"Fine."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Fifteen miles later
"Suddenly Seymour is standing beside you," Xander crooned softly, turning slightly to grasp Dawn's chin. "You don't need no make-up, don't have to pretend! Suddenly Seymour is here to provide you sweet understanding. Seymour's your friend!"
Dawn smiled. "Let's play the 'Feed Me' song again."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Mid North Carolina
"Um, Dawn?"
Dawn yawned. "Yeah?"
"What did that sign just say?"
"Something about a beach?"
"Oh."
Dawn glanced over at Xander, who was developing impressive bags beneath his eyes. "What did you think it said?"
Xander grinned sheepishly. "Gypsy Death."
"Pull over, Xander."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Northern North Carolina
"Xander, please stop playing with the cd player."
Xander took his hand away from the search button. "I'm bored."
"Read my book then."
"'Light in August'? I'd rather die."
Dawn grinned. "Robin sent a new one down with the gang. It's good, I've already finished it." Dawn pointed to the front pocket of her backpack, which sat on the floor of the passenger seat.
"'The Alchemist'?" Xander shrugged. "I suppose if there's nothing better to do."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
40 miles later
"Xander,"
"Mm."
"Xander."
"Mmhm, that's nice."
"Xander!"
Xander shot his head up from the book. "What?"
"I'm stopping for gas. Do you need to pee?"
"Nah." Xander stuck his head back into the book. Dawn grinned, and opened her car door.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
North Carolina/Virginia border
"Tree ents!" Dawn swerved the car, and it swung wildly between lanes for several moments, bringing a lot of honks from the poor people in the cars around them.
Xander dropped the book, snapping his head up. "What?!"
Dawn wrestled the car back into the lanes, taking deep breaths and pointing through the windshield. "Tree ents. Crossing the highway. Holy shit."
Xander frowned. "Pull over, Dawn, time to switch again."
"But, tree ents . . . ."
"Pull over."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I-95 through Richmond Virginia
"I mean, is this it?"
"Someone's got to look for the slayers, Xander."
"I know that," Xander pulled around a stopped cop car, slowing the car ever so slightly to the speed limit. "But is it our, whatsit, personal legend?"
"Xander," Dawn smirked at him. "It was just a book."
"But books are wise things, Dawnie. Maybe we're really supposed to be traveling to the Egyptian pyramids."
"Then we'll do it." Dawn shrugged. "Eventually. For now, though, we need to go find more slayers."
Xander shrugged, his mind falling back to pondering Santiago and the desert caravan. A few minutes later, he turned to look at Dawn again.
"Does he find it?"
"Does who find what?"
"Santiago. The treasure. Does he find it at the pyramids?"
"Nope, he dies horribly at the end." Dawn grinned. "That's why we have to read it for classes, because it's depressing and it kills our ambitions to ever rise above the status we were born into as Americans."
"Oh." Xander frowned. "That sucks, what the hell did you let me read that book for?"
Dawn smirked. "Finish the book, and you'll see."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
A hotel in Northern Virginia
"Dawn." Xander tapped the girl on the shoulder. "Dawnie, wake up."
Dawn snorted and blinked her eyes. "Are we there yet?"
"Not quite," Xander pointed to the hotel. "Figured we'd crash here tonight, then get the last few miles in in the morning."
Dawn sleepily opened her door. "'Kay."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Hotel lobby
"Here's your keys, Mr. Harris, and check out is at 10 am."
"Xander!" Dawn hissed into his ear, gesturing wildly through the glass doors. "Xander, look!"
Xander followed her gesture. A group of what looked like college students were loitering around outside the door, smoking, talking, and gesturing esoterically.
Dawn was staring suspiciously at them. "I heard them talking on the way in, they're vampires!"
Xander frowned, his hand moving toward his stake, until he saw one of the group hold their hand up to their chin, pinkie raised toward the sky. He grinned.
"They're not vampires, Dawn."
"But they–"
"Oh, no, they're much worse."
Dawn paled. "What are they?"
"LARPers."
end interlude
tbc in "The Sad Tale of Bunnyman"
post-script: the two musicals were Les Mis (of course), and Little Shop of Horrors, which, coincidentally, was the inspiration for my first ever Buffy fic, Little Hellmouth of Horrors, which as far as I know, no longer exists anywhere but in brief snippets in an old spiral notebook. Ah well, it was, like most first attempts, rather not great.
Also, I mean no disrespect to LARPers. I happen to have played a few myself, in FL and soon, in VA as well. And yes, I do think that Xander would know who they were. Just another level of his geekdom, really.
"The Alchemist" is by Paulo Coehlo, and I highly recommend it to everybody. No, I didn't spoil the end. Dawn is being all sarcastic like.
And now, I will shut up.