Chapter 2
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"Wow! Here we are, at the Zanarkand Ruins! I gotta say, the place has looked better," Tidus noted thoughtfully.
"Yes; you say that every time we come here," Lulu said impatiently.
"We're not here for long," Auron informed everyone. "Just long enough for me to go get my spheres. Then to the Thunder Plains. Then, probably five other places. And a couple boss fights."
"Wow! You sure know these side quests, Auron!" Rikku said.
"What do you think I did for ten years?" he grumbled.
"I thought you mostly got drunk and reminisced about the good ol' days," Tidus chimed in.
"Shut up, kid," Auron growled. "I miss my jug…"
"So, why's this jug so important anyway, ya?" Wakka asked, scratching his head.
"Why? Why?! That jug has been with me from childhood! We've done everything together ever since."
"Is this going to involve a wistful scene in a Bevelle malt shop?" Tidus asked.
"Shut up, kid," Auron reiterated. "I remember it as if it were only…thirty-five years ago…"
"Oh, God, here comes the cut scene," Lulu murmured.
"If anyone needs me I'll be beating up fiends for fun!" Rikku informed the rest of the group, bouncing away. The next moment, the pained screams of several big hurty things drifted back toward them.
"Hey, do you mind?" Auron called to them. "I'm trying to have a wistful flashback here. And I don't have too many of them. Unlike you, Whines-a-lot," he finished, glaring at Tidus.
"This is my story," Tidus said weakly.
"Yeah, well, this is my story," Auron said firmly. "And here's how it begins…
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"Thirty-five years ago, when I was just a little bad-ass ronin, I lived at Kilika. My sword was only three feet long back then. But I loved that sword. It was my most prized possession. Until, on my fifth birthday, my father took me aside and gave me his private sake jug. He said, 'Auron, hang onto this while I go fight Sin.' He never came back. Sin ate him.
"But from that day forward, I took that jug with me everywhere I went. In a way, it became my father. I took it to school, I took it to the prom, I even took it to Lover's Lookout on my first date. It was also my last date. It was only twenty years ago that I first discovered the true value of the jug, though. It now holds all my most treasured possessions: my first sword, my second sword, my…"
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Meanwhile, in Aeon-Land…
"Hey, Bahamut, anything interesting going on down there?" Valefor asked as it wandered past, its earrings clinking merrily against the floor of the bar.
"Is there ever?" Bahamut slurred as Valefor somehow took the stool next to him and peered out the window at the world below. "Only thing I'm interested in is the bottom of this here bottle! Hey, there it is! Barkeep!" he concluded. "Hit me!"
Ifrit smirked at Valefor.
"Should I?"
"You could let me do it," Valefor suggested hopefully. "After all, there is the chance he won't remember it. However, there's also the chance he'll sneeze and Mega-Flare us into non-existence."
"Damn," Ifrit sighed, slamming another beer bottle onto the table. "Hey, is she ever going to order anything?" he continued, gesturing to the extremely large Aeon in the corner.
"I doubt it," Valefor replied. "But if you ever want a good sob-story, she's got a couple. Hundred."
"Hey, that's Anima," Ifrit chuckled.
"I don't care if she's Anima or Annie! I'm getting tired of hearing it. 'Ooh, my son turned me into an Aeon! Ooh, life is shit! Ooh, puppies don't love me because I'm a giant hideous deformed Aeon with chains sticking out for miles!'"
"Be a little more understanding, would you? She's got problems of her own! And anyway, they're all because of men like you," Shiva admonished icily from the end of the bar.
Valefor raised an eyebrow…or something. Maybe an earring.
"I don't know what you see in her, Iffie. I don't think even you can melt that heart of ice."
Ifrit winked.
"Yeah, but I'm gonna give it my all!"
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"…my eighty-seventh sword, my eighty-eighth sword, my eighty-ninth sword…" Auron was meanwhile continuing, utterly unheeding of the fact that everyone save Yuna, who made a point to be understanding and polite when listening to the problems of others, had long ago wandered off to do a little levelling up. After all, there was no sense in wasting time. Even if it was on a plot point of sorts.
"…my ninetieth sword, my ninety-first sword…but y'know, I don't have my ninety-second sword anymore," he finished.
"Oh?" Yuna said, stifling a yawn. "That's too bad."
"I think Rikku accidentally threw it out the window and impaled Evrae with it when I asked her to toss it to me."
"That was a pretty easy boss-fight," Yuna recalled thoughtfully. "That girl just doesn't know her own strength."
"Oh, yes, she does," Auron said resentfully, glowering at the thought of the tiny girl's endless gloating. "Anyway, at least I still have my ninety-third sword. And my ninety-fourth sword. And my ninety-fifth sword…"
With a sigh, Yuna carefully seated herself on the edge of a nearby rock and prepared for a long wait.
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"Hey, is he done yet, ya?" Wakka asked as he, Tidus, Lulu, and Kimahri returned to where they had left Auron to his reminiscing.
Then the four of them blinked, rather startled, at the sight of Yuna curled up on the ground, cuddling her staff.
"Awwwwwwww," Tidus crooned adoringly, hands clasped and eyes shiny.
Lulu, Wakka, and Kimahri exchanged rather frightened glances as he then curled up on the ground next to her.
Auron, however, was oblivious.
"…my three thousand four hundred and twenty-second sword, my three thousand four hundred and twenty-third sword, my three thousand four hundred and twenty-fourth sword…and I think that was it," he concluded. "Oh, right and some potions. And some high potions. And a couple Phoenix Downs."
"Did you want to continue looking for this jug at any point?" Lulu asked dryly.
"I'd like to, but I need the key item, 'Auron's Spheres'," he replied.
"What, you mean these things?" Rikku asked, wandering over to the group, several spheres in her hand. "I didn't think it was possible any more, but I actually managed to level up!"
"Great," Auron said flatly. "Now, gimme those."
With a shrug, she handed them over.
"Next time, I think I'll make you fight for 'em!" she said, slapping him playfully on the back and sending him sailing majestically through the air and then directly down to create a six-foot deep Auron-shaped indentation in the ground.
"It's a good thing I'm already dead," he grumbled. "Otherwise, that would have really hurt."
"Did you say something, Auron?" Tidus called, searching every nook and cranny in the area.
"I said I'd like some really good bread to go with my milk curd," he called back, pole-vaulting from the indentation with his sword. "That's how it's done."
"You drink milk curd?" Tidus asked, wrinkling his nose.
"It's a bad-ass thing. You wouldn't understand. Wuss," he added under his breath. "Can we move on, please? My jug won't find itself, you know."
"That'd be really useful! A self-finding jug, ya?" Wakka commented thoughtfully. "'Course, you'd still have to find it, even if it found itself. So I guess it's not such a good idea when you really think about it, ya?"
Lulu closed her eyes and seemed to be counting slowly to ten in order to summon patience of divine sources.
"And now that we have that decided, shall we move on before Rikku gets bored and wanders off to beat up everything in the area?"
"Yeah!" Tidus agreed. "Let's go watch those spheres!"
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Fifteen minutes later, the group crowded around the sphere viewing thingy, watching the Auron on the screen in fascination mingled with slight worry and vague amusement.
"Hey, jug," the man on screen was greeting a large white jug, patting it gently on the side. "Beautiful morning, isn't it? Did you sleep well? Would you like some breakfast?" Then, after a moment, he laughed. "No, I'll make it. I insist."
"Auron needs friends," Tidus commented decidedly, voicing the thoughts of everyone, save perhaps the Auron not on the screen.
"No, what I need is to find my jug," he shot back before gazing wistfully at the jug on screen. "That jug's all the friend I'll ever need."
"So," Yuna began slowly, "that was a…touching look into Auron's…relationship with his jug, but…I don't quite…see how it will…help us…find it."
"Well, now we know what it looks like," Auron said, as though this were a very obvious conclusion and poor Yuna was losing her mind not to know it.
A heavy silence fell.
"Gee, I could've described it before," Rikku said hesitantly.
"Ya, me too," Wakka agreed. "In fact, I think I did earlier! It's about this big, it's white, it's got beads hangin' off…at least, I think that's his jug. Lulu, that wasn't one of his swords, was it, ya?"
"No, Wakka, it wasn't," she replied.
"That's good, ya? That'd be a really stupid design for a sword. Not to mention brittle. You'd have to be pretty dumb to use a sword like that."
"Yes, you would," Lulu agreed, patting him on the head.
"Not like Blitzball. It's round, it's a ball, it's always the same shape. Sometimes it's got spikeys, but otherwise, it's usually the same. That reminds me-"
"So, we went all the way to Zanarkand, just to find out something we already knew?" Tidus asked incredulously. "Does anyone else see the wasted trip here?"
"You gonna cry about it?" Auron chuckled. "Anyway, don't blame me. It was her idea," he added, gesturing to Lulu.
"You can never be too sure when an important clue might be uncovered. It's important to follow every lead. You never know where you'll end up," she said mysteriously.
"Yeah, we do," Tidus said. "We'll end up sitting around the sphere viewing thingy, watching Auron talk to his jug."
"And then we'll watch Sin eat the entire world because no one went to go kill him," Wakka added.
"I'm sorry, everyone," Yuna said brokenly.
Six pairs of eyes blinked in bewilderment.
"What?!"
"Quota," she explained.
"Um, guys?" Rikku interjected. "It's been at least five minutes since I pushed the level limit of the universe! Can we please go somewhere so I can fight something?"
Auron thought quickly.
"Rikku," he began. "I've got an idea. I think we need a Chocobo. We can cover the distance much faster on Chocobo that airship. Just go with me, people," he added aside to the rest of the group, who had begun to protest that losing his jug must have affected his mind. "And since you're so good at everything, you must be a world-class Chocobo rancher."
"Well, I hate to brag," she said with a grin.
"So I'll give you these Gyshal Greens-"
"Hey, these aren't Gyshal Greens! This is parsley!"
"Oh, I suppose you know everything about herbology, too," Auron said sarcastically.
"Of course! My herbology stat is through the roof!"
"Well, then, you would know where to get some real Gyshal Greens," he said, punching her shoulder lightly. "It's obvious I can't put one over on you. So, go find us some real Gyshal Greens, and then catch us a Chocobo! Make it a Golden Chocobo!"
"Yaay!" Rikku cheered.
"There's no such thing as a Golden Chocobo," Auron muttered to Kimahri, chuckling.
"Kimahri not get joke," the Ronso said, adjusting the monocle he hadn't been able to bring himself to get rid of after the last gag, and looking vaguely disapproving.
"We'll let you off on at the Calm Lands," Tidus told Rikku cheerfully, either catching onto the plan or saying the right thing by complete and utter fluke. "Catch us a good one, okay? We're all counting on you!"
"Oh, you don't have to let me off," she assured him cheerfully. "I'll just jump out. My amazing stats will protect me!"
"You need a push?" Auron muttered.
"Thanks, Auron! But I don't think someone with your strength would make much of a difference," she replied, beamingly missing the point.
With that, she bounded up to the deck, and the next moment, the alarmed exclamations of the various crewmembers milling about indicated that she had made good on her plan to jump off.
"Don't worry," Tidus called to the crewmembers. "She'll be fine!"
"So…what are we going to…do…now?" Yuna asked.
"The jug dealership is in the Thunder Plains," Lulu replied. "But Rikku has all our gil. We'll have to go get some if we want to make any sort of arrangement with the dealer."
Auron made a noise of deep irritation.
"I suggest we go to the Omega Ruins," she continued. "They were an abundant source of gil."
"What about Sin?" Wakka demanded.
"Yes…I must insist that…we deal with…Sin at…some point," Yuna agreed.
"Sin's been around for a thousand years," Auron said inexorably. "A couple more hours won't hurt. To the Omega Ruins!"
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End Notes: Okay, time to explain the Rikku stats thing. As indicated by the review that Bezo left, when he played Final Fantasy 10, he levelled Rikku up very ridiculously, while the rest of the team was only levelled up moderately ridiculously. As a result, Rikku's stats were maxed, and she became the powerhouse of the team. And so, naturally, the silly gag has made its way into our story.