Kakos: NO WAY! Chapter seven? That's uber cool!
Yami B: Do you honestly think anyone ever reads this thing anymore?
Kakos: Well, I'm rather enjoying myself, so I'm just gonna keep going. Besides, who knows what this will turn out to be?
Ryou: We'd like to thank reviewers and readers!
Yami B: Although anyone who reads and doesn't review should be shot.
Kakos: Good, good, insult the readers. That's real smart.
Ryou: Can't you go through one chapter introduction without fighting???
Kakos and Yami B: NO!
Ryou: Sigh. This long chapter is brought to you by the letter F and Oakey's Funeral Service. Bury your past…with us!
Where is My Mind?
Chapter Seven: Now I've Got You Where I Want You!
Dear egotist boy:
You've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance…
Why, why do I try to change you?
Try to change you when you really don't want me to?
—"Narcissus" by Alanis Morissette
Bakura ambled down the sidewalk, trying to make sense of the map Malik had given him. " 'Turn left at that corner where I dropped my gum…walk past that tree I urinated on…it's across the street from that yard where I saw two dogs screwing….' Is this man a nutball or what?"
But, somehow or another, like a dog searching for a hydrant, Bakura found himself standing in front of the Kame Game Shop. Hurrah!
Bakura walked up to the place and knocked on the door. An old man with gray hair in the star shape so common to the Motou men answered the door. And, upon seeing Bakura, promptly shut it.
"Oh, for the gods!" Bakura pounded on the door. "Hello! Hello in there! Don't pretend you're not at home! You were just at the door!"
"You've come to knock me unconscious!" came a little sobbing voice inside.
"Well, no, not at present. Maybe later. But I tell you, I'm having the strangest feeling of déjà vu. And it's all over again."
The door opened a crack and a giant eyeball peered up at him. "Are you sure you're not an amnesiac touched with jamias vu for the very first time?"
"If you're French or Madonna, sir, I'll have to kill you."
"I'm definitely not letting you in now." Bakura heard the sound of several locks clicking into place, and then the sound of a rifle cocking. He quickly retreated to the sidewalk and sat down, pondering his current predicament.
"Hmm, how am I supposed to get into this place now? Well, I suppose if I really am the thief that Malik person made me out to be, I could just dig a tunnel or go in through a window." He examined the house from afar, trying to figure out which room held the cards. He went charging up to the door again.
"Who is it now?" came Grandpa Motou's voice.
"Uh, a Jehovah's Witness!"
The rifle cocked again.
"I mean, a civil servant! I work for the government! I'm doing a survey!"
A pause. "What do you want?"
"I just want to know the location of your son's and the pharaoh's room!"
"Oh. Top floor, on the right, with the skylight."
Bakura rubbed his chin. "Hmm, skylight, huh?"
Let's see what those crazy Motou boys are up to…Yuugi was panting hard while Yami kicked at his sides.
"Faster, faster!" shouted the pharaoh, pointing down the street. "We must hurry! The thief could be up to no good."
"Why…am I…carrying you?" asked Yuugi, his breath sobbing in his chest. He was at present carrying the pharaoh piggyback down the street for all the world to see. And yes, it's a very homoerotic sight. That's what makes it funny, you see.
"Because the pharaoh mobile is nowhere in sight! Perhaps the tomb robber stole it…"
"You don't…have a…pharaoh mobile. You're…not…the freakin' Pope."
Yami gasped. "The Pope has a pharaoh mobile? Since when?"
Yuugi had slowed to a crawl now. "A good question…is why am I…actually carrying you?"
Ryou poked his head up from behind Yami's hair. "A better question is, why are you carrying me, too?"
Yuugi finally collapsed on the sidewalk and lay there, hyperventilating. A bit unnerved by the situation, Ryou got off and stood beside him. Yami spurred his heels against Yuugi's side.
"Onward! Let's go! C'mon!"
"Is he always like this when he's drunk?"
"Only on Saturdays."
"But…it's Thursday."
The group heard a random honking and turned simultaneously to see one of those bitchin' three-wheeled trucks come strolling into view. It slowed as it came beside them and Anzu popped her head at the window. "Hey, guys, want a lift?"
"Yeah, sure!" cried Ryou excitedly. He peered closer and saw Jounouchi driving. "Hey! Jou! I'm glad to see you're feeling better."
He nodded with a funny smile. "I'm in tip-top shape, old sport!"
The three on the sidewalk paled. "Why's he talking like that?" asked Yuugi.
Anzu rolled her eyes. "Oh, well, when he woke up at the hospital—"
"It was most marvelous!" said Jounouchi, continuing with the funny British accent. "I had a dream that a beautiful girl in white came to me and revealed the true nature of my accent. I'm British, old chap!"
"No one caught that vague 'Great Gatsby' reference," grumbled Honda.
Ryou felt his cheeks catch on fire and was dimly aware of Yuugi trying to blow them out. "But—I'm the British character! It says so in the Japanese to English handbook! 'All males with high, womany voices in Japanese are to have British accents in dubbed works! And all males who talk rudely and deeply in Japanese are to have stereotypical New York/Italian accents!' That's the way it works!"
"Oh, say, you're British too? Quite amusing. Are you from Sussex?"
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"Relax!" cried Yuugi, holding Ryou back. "I'm sure it's just a phase. He'll be over it by the end of the fic, I promise. Hell, maybe by the end of the chapter."
"You guys get in the back," said Anzu, "and we'll hurry to the Motou home."
Yami scrambled into the bed of the truck and stood pounding on the side of it. "All right, come on, let's go! We've got to find the Fat Lady!"
"Great, now he's channeling Sir Cadogan," mumbled Yuugi.
"Yeah, and the last thing we need is JK Rowling suing us." Ryou picked the little boy up and hurled him into the back of the truck. Then he scrambled up himself and they sped away.
Your mission, if you choose to accept it…is to keep reading.
Duh-duh-duh duh-da, duh-duh-duh-duh da-duh…
Bakura came crawling up the gutter of the Mutou home, scaling the wall easily as though he were a spider. Once on the roof, he stood before the wide skylight, chuckling. Through the glass he could see Yuugi and Yami's room—the bed, the desk, the Playboys, and the bookshelves. "This is gonna be easy."
Doo-do-doo, doo-do-doo, doo-do-doo, doo-doo…
He leapt into the air and then went crashing through the skylight. Shards of glass flew everywhere. He fell and fell and fell. An inch above the ground he realized he had no ropes or anything to keep him from crashing down on the floor.
And he slammed down on the carpet.
Buh-duh-da…buh-duh-da…buh-duh-da…da-da.
Rushing to his feet, Bakura shook his head and stretched, grateful that no one had seen him fall down. He went to the dresser and began digging through the dressers. "Gah, nothing but underwear and socks…"
Next he searched under the bed and recovered some more Playboys, a diary entitled, "My life as a teenage schizophrenic," and a manuscript whose first page began, "Call me Yuugi. Or Yami. Take your pick, I'm both." Grunting, Bakura plopped down angrily on the overturned mattress.
"Cripes! If I were that stupid short punk, where would I keep these so called 'god cards'?"
Frustrated, he picked up one of the Playboys and began leafing through it. Upon reaching the centerfold, he turned the thing sideways, and the edge of a shiny card peeked out from behind pages further back. Bakura opened up to the section. "Of course! In the article section! No one ever reads the articles!" He triumphantly held up the three god cards, shivering slightly at the sight of the red dragon one. "That looks familiar…oh well, I'VE GOT THEM!"
DUN-DUH-DUH- DAAAAAAA!
Uh…now that that's over…"Look, we're almost there!" cried Yuugi. "I can see those two dogs that are always going at it from here!"
"Really?" cried the pharaoh. "Where???"
The truck slammed to a stop in front of the Motou house, throwing everyone forward. "Dammit, Jou!" cried Honda, holding his bloodied nose. "You're no better of a driver than you were before."
"Calm down, dear chap. In England, we drive on the left side of the road you know. Here across the pond things are different."
"We're in JAPAN!"
"Oh. Across the island, then."
Everyone hurriedly scrambled out of the car as the door to the Kame Game Shop opened and Bakura came ambling out, holding the god cards triumphantly. The group gasped at him.
"Bakura!" cried Ryou. "What are you doing?"
"Expelliarmus!" shrieked Yami, thrusting his finger at Bakura.
"Yami, if you don't cut it out, we're going to get sued," said Yuugi.
Bakura looked up, surprised at being caught. "What the—"
Yami suddenly tackled him in the stomach, sending both rolling across the yard. He pinned Bakura to the ground. "BAD BAKURA! BAD BAD BAD!"
"Hey, cut it out!" Ryou and the rest of the sprinted up to the two boys. They pulled Yami off of a confused Bakura. "Stop it!" shrieked Ryou. "You're gonna hurt him!"
"Those are my cards, thief!"
Bakura was quietly trying to slink away when Honda grabbed him by the collar. "Oh, no, you stay here."
Ryou gave Bakura the large, sad, puppy dog eyes. Yeah, you know the ones. "Yami, how could you?"
"Well, I-I-I—Malik said—"
"That Malik has always been a bad influence on you. He—I mean—" Oh man, what do I do? worried Ryou. It feels so wrong to tell him that. He and Malik were always such good friends! But I don't really want him back to his old self, I don't think… "He just tries to manipulate you," he ended sulkily.
"Well, frankly, I don't know what to think! You and all your stupid little friends are a little too crazy for my tastes!" Bakura looked hopelessly confused. "I just want things to go back to the way they used to be! That's all!"
Ryou gave his yami a sad smile and opened his mouth, but Anzu naturally scooted in before him. "We want that too, Bakura," she said cheerfully, clapping him on the shoulder. He grimaced at the sign of affection. "You can start by giving those cards back to Yami."
Bakura sullenly handed the cards back to Yami, who stuffed them down his shirt and stood gloating with his chin up. "Yes, that's better."
"There, you see?" continued Anzu, smiling sweetly. "You really were a good guy."
"Yeah," added Honda. "Just don't listen to that Malik. He's a nutcase."
"A very bad person," said Yami, "very bad. Don't listen to him."
As the others gathered around him Yuugi took Ryou and led him to the side.
"Listen, Ryou," whispered Yuugi. "I didn't want to take such extreme measures, but it appears that your yami is slipping back to his usual self."
"Well, yes, but it's not such a big deal—"
"So use this." Yuugi handed him a CD case. "It's desperate, I know, but I think we have to use this."
"Good Ra!" gasped Ryou. "This is a N'Sync CD! You can't possibly mean—"
"It might be the only way to reform him. I'm sorry."
Ryou looked down at the disc and then back at his yami, whom his friends were still chastising. Oh, Bakura, I don't want to go this far…
Yami B: You're not seriously gonna have me listen to that crap, are you?
Kakos: We'll see. Depends on my mood.
Ryou: I rather enjoyed that chapter. Quiet funny.
Kakos: Thank you.
::Yami B lunges at Kakos but Ryou protects her with a frying pan::
Kakos: Aw, Ryou, you're such a sweetie.
Ryou: Thanks. Stay tuned for the next chapter: I Do Believe in Fairies!
Yami B: ::slurred:: Chapter titles have nothing to do with the story…
Kakos, Ryou, Seto, huo shi ling, Noa, Pippin, and Brendan Fraser: QUIET YOU!
Yami B: o.O
Ryou: She's watching the Mummy…