"Ashley! This isn't funny anymore. Pick up!" Ellie's voice echoed on my
cell phone's voice messaging. "Ugh. Fine. Call me back, please! You've been
gone for like two days, and I'm worried. Call me. Bye." I deleted the
latest message from Ellie. She was a great friend. Too bad I wasn't ready
to fess up to what had happened. Ever since my little slip up, my mom
hadn't spoken to me. Even when I asked her for a ride to school, she said
nothing. I decided it was best to just leave her alone.
I had spent the past two days curled up in my bed, staring at the wall for hours on end. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, and I stared. And I thought.
What would she do to me? She warned me that if I screwed up again this would be it. I was too terrified to move. Would she throw me out? Would I be out on the streets just wandering around like another troubled youth? No, mom would not do that to me. I've screwed up before, and I went to therapy. It was helping me; it really was, until that damn Craig screwed me up again! Craig, Craig. My mind spun, never leaving this web of fear. Something was going down and it wasn't going to be good.
I looked at the clock beside my bed. 6:42 pm. Toby would be back from watching his little girlfriends game, and the family would be sitting down for dinner. I just curled up tighter, knowing I wouldn't be invited. And why should I be? I was a horrible daughter who they were about to throw out onto the streets.
Tears squeezed past my eyes as I sobbed softly into the pillow. It felt almost like release. I'd been lying here for days, just winding up until the breaking point. Once the tears started, they wouldn't stop flowing. Not even when my face was soggy to match the pillowcase. I was lucky I wasn't wearing my usual make up, otherwise it would be running down my face, dirtying it even more.
A sudden ringing from my cell phone caused my head to jerk up. It rang four times, before I finally reached over and punched the 'talk' button. I brought it to my ear. "Hello?"
"ASH!" It was Ellie. I could hear a giant relieved sigh. "God, I thought you were dead or something! What happened to you? I hear nothing from you all weekend, and then you're gone from school for two days! Where have you been!"
"Umm, I--"
"And you didn't even answer your phone!" Ellie was ranting. I wouldn't be able to get a word in. "You KNOW what happened to Marco when he didn't answer his phone! I was so worried. Don't scare me like that. You're all right, right? Things are okay, aren't they Ash?"
I smiled. "Yes, Ellie, I'm fine."
She sighed again. I felt a pull of guilt in my stomach. Not everyone was as bad as I imagined. Ellie was there for me, and I shouldn't have let her down. I smiled, waiting for her to scold me, but the other end was quiet now.
"Ellie, still there?" I sat up.
"It was a really shitty thing he did to you, Ash." Her voice was low.
I squinted my eyes and turned, seeing my reflection in the mirror over my desk. God, I looked horrid. "Who?"
"Craig." The mention of his name made my stomach jump into my throat. My palms began to sweat so badly, the phone almost slipped from my grip. She sounded annoyed. She must have thought I was pretending not have known who it was.
"If you need a few days to get away from this all, I can understand." Ellie inhaled, "Just, tell me is all! Don't let me worry sick about you!"
We both laughed now. For the first time in days, I felt something other then complete dread, or depression. "Yeah, I'm sorry Ellie. Things have just been--"
I looked up to see my door swing open and my mother step into my room. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest as she stared at me, as disapprovingly as ever. Her face showed mild shock at the sight of me on my bed, talking on the phone with a pleasant smile.
I nearly dropped the phone. I was in trouble, and it felt like you weren't supposing to even have the slightest bit of joy when you were on the bad side of your parents. My mother opening her pursed lips to say, "Hang up the phone. Now." only confirmed my terror.
Slowly, I put the phone to my ear. "Uhh, Ellie, I have to go. No. No. I'll call you. Bye." I hit 'end', and tossed the phone onto my perfectly made bedcover.
I stared at her, waiting for her to make a move. I could hear my heart thudding in my chest as I awaited the worst. Finally she came and sat down on the edge of my bed. I watched her face closely to see if it would lose any of its sternness. At times like these she would become soft and admit she's been lost with what to do with me. That's when we'd both hug and cry and start to resolve so everyone could rebuild, or so my therapist said.
But her look never changed. She wasn't even looking at me now. She was just staring hard at the carpet, as if trying to pretend I wasn't there so she could put off saying whatever it was she was holding in. My heart sunk. This time was going to be different.
"Mom?" I said softly. I didn't want to break this thick moment, because the following moments could only bring on worse things. At the same time, I couldn't sit there waiting. I'd been waiting for two days for something to happen. Now that something was, I wasn't willing to wait another minute, even if it was bad.
She let out a soft sigh, her face falling. I retained some hope.
Then she turned to me and began her lecture. "Ashley, after your drug use last year, I've been so worried about you. I've been thinking I'm some sort of horrible mother who has let you down; raised you wrong."
I shook my head quickly. "No, Mom--" No! I wanted to scream. I had never wanted her to feel that way. I was the one who let her down. She was always there for me, and I was the bad daughter. She was perfect, she was more then anyone could hope for, but before I could say one more word, she interrupted.
"Let me finish." She held a hand up, stopping me. She placed the hand on her chest. She looked so tired. So stressed out. I was stressing her. "Only, I know it isn't me. It's beyond me. Even after therapy, and starting over with Craig, you still haven't changed."
What? WHAT? S-she couldn't be suggesting what I think she's suggesting. I did let her down, but I wasn't a bad daughter!
She looked into my eyes now. "You living here," she paused, and I felt my throat close entirely. "It isn't working out. You're not getting any better."
I stood up now. My body felt like a spring, one that snapped beyond my control. Panic was clutching my chest making my breathing ragged as I started to sputter. "B-but mom! I AM getting better! It was just one night. I had a few beers--" She only shook her head and looked down. As if she was expecting me to make some excuse like this. Like I was some druggie or alcoholic who had a vicious cycle. I wasn't like that!
"I'm not like that!" I screamed.
The sudden raise in my voice startled us both. We each were motionless for several minutes, merely staring at each other in shock.
"Mom," I finally said after some time. I sank onto the bed in front of her, taking her hands in mine. I had to make her believe me. I had to make her see that it was just depression causing me to do what I did. It wasn't like I'd ever, ever do it again. I needed an escape, and I had got one, I wouldn't ever NEED to do it again. It was just a mistake; she had to see that...
Only, when I looked to her pleadingly, she pulled her hand from mine and stood up, avoiding my gaze. "I'm sorry Ashley, but you're going to have to live with your father. I can't take this anymore."
I stood again, only my legs felt shaky like they wouldn't support me. "Mom, please." I tried to block her from leaving. "You can't kick me out. I'm your daughter!"
She looked to me, tears starting to fill in her eyes. "I know, which is why I have to do what's best for you. It's why I can't let you stay here. You'll get yourself killed."
"You know I'm not a bad kid, mom." My voice cracked under the strain. I was desperate. She had to see! "Please. Nothing like this will happen ever--"
"Ever again?" She shook her head, only in disgust now. "That's what you said last time, Ashley. This time, I'm putting my foot down. I want your stuff packed by tomorrow afternoon."
At the finalization of her words, my knees gave out and I slumped into the wall. My mother didn't look twice as she hurried past me and down the stairs.
She had abandoned me. The news didn't even seem real, as I just stood there dazed. Yet I knew in my heart, this was real. I had to leave my own home, by tomorrow.
I had spent the past two days curled up in my bed, staring at the wall for hours on end. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, and I stared. And I thought.
What would she do to me? She warned me that if I screwed up again this would be it. I was too terrified to move. Would she throw me out? Would I be out on the streets just wandering around like another troubled youth? No, mom would not do that to me. I've screwed up before, and I went to therapy. It was helping me; it really was, until that damn Craig screwed me up again! Craig, Craig. My mind spun, never leaving this web of fear. Something was going down and it wasn't going to be good.
I looked at the clock beside my bed. 6:42 pm. Toby would be back from watching his little girlfriends game, and the family would be sitting down for dinner. I just curled up tighter, knowing I wouldn't be invited. And why should I be? I was a horrible daughter who they were about to throw out onto the streets.
Tears squeezed past my eyes as I sobbed softly into the pillow. It felt almost like release. I'd been lying here for days, just winding up until the breaking point. Once the tears started, they wouldn't stop flowing. Not even when my face was soggy to match the pillowcase. I was lucky I wasn't wearing my usual make up, otherwise it would be running down my face, dirtying it even more.
A sudden ringing from my cell phone caused my head to jerk up. It rang four times, before I finally reached over and punched the 'talk' button. I brought it to my ear. "Hello?"
"ASH!" It was Ellie. I could hear a giant relieved sigh. "God, I thought you were dead or something! What happened to you? I hear nothing from you all weekend, and then you're gone from school for two days! Where have you been!"
"Umm, I--"
"And you didn't even answer your phone!" Ellie was ranting. I wouldn't be able to get a word in. "You KNOW what happened to Marco when he didn't answer his phone! I was so worried. Don't scare me like that. You're all right, right? Things are okay, aren't they Ash?"
I smiled. "Yes, Ellie, I'm fine."
She sighed again. I felt a pull of guilt in my stomach. Not everyone was as bad as I imagined. Ellie was there for me, and I shouldn't have let her down. I smiled, waiting for her to scold me, but the other end was quiet now.
"Ellie, still there?" I sat up.
"It was a really shitty thing he did to you, Ash." Her voice was low.
I squinted my eyes and turned, seeing my reflection in the mirror over my desk. God, I looked horrid. "Who?"
"Craig." The mention of his name made my stomach jump into my throat. My palms began to sweat so badly, the phone almost slipped from my grip. She sounded annoyed. She must have thought I was pretending not have known who it was.
"If you need a few days to get away from this all, I can understand." Ellie inhaled, "Just, tell me is all! Don't let me worry sick about you!"
We both laughed now. For the first time in days, I felt something other then complete dread, or depression. "Yeah, I'm sorry Ellie. Things have just been--"
I looked up to see my door swing open and my mother step into my room. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest as she stared at me, as disapprovingly as ever. Her face showed mild shock at the sight of me on my bed, talking on the phone with a pleasant smile.
I nearly dropped the phone. I was in trouble, and it felt like you weren't supposing to even have the slightest bit of joy when you were on the bad side of your parents. My mother opening her pursed lips to say, "Hang up the phone. Now." only confirmed my terror.
Slowly, I put the phone to my ear. "Uhh, Ellie, I have to go. No. No. I'll call you. Bye." I hit 'end', and tossed the phone onto my perfectly made bedcover.
I stared at her, waiting for her to make a move. I could hear my heart thudding in my chest as I awaited the worst. Finally she came and sat down on the edge of my bed. I watched her face closely to see if it would lose any of its sternness. At times like these she would become soft and admit she's been lost with what to do with me. That's when we'd both hug and cry and start to resolve so everyone could rebuild, or so my therapist said.
But her look never changed. She wasn't even looking at me now. She was just staring hard at the carpet, as if trying to pretend I wasn't there so she could put off saying whatever it was she was holding in. My heart sunk. This time was going to be different.
"Mom?" I said softly. I didn't want to break this thick moment, because the following moments could only bring on worse things. At the same time, I couldn't sit there waiting. I'd been waiting for two days for something to happen. Now that something was, I wasn't willing to wait another minute, even if it was bad.
She let out a soft sigh, her face falling. I retained some hope.
Then she turned to me and began her lecture. "Ashley, after your drug use last year, I've been so worried about you. I've been thinking I'm some sort of horrible mother who has let you down; raised you wrong."
I shook my head quickly. "No, Mom--" No! I wanted to scream. I had never wanted her to feel that way. I was the one who let her down. She was always there for me, and I was the bad daughter. She was perfect, she was more then anyone could hope for, but before I could say one more word, she interrupted.
"Let me finish." She held a hand up, stopping me. She placed the hand on her chest. She looked so tired. So stressed out. I was stressing her. "Only, I know it isn't me. It's beyond me. Even after therapy, and starting over with Craig, you still haven't changed."
What? WHAT? S-she couldn't be suggesting what I think she's suggesting. I did let her down, but I wasn't a bad daughter!
She looked into my eyes now. "You living here," she paused, and I felt my throat close entirely. "It isn't working out. You're not getting any better."
I stood up now. My body felt like a spring, one that snapped beyond my control. Panic was clutching my chest making my breathing ragged as I started to sputter. "B-but mom! I AM getting better! It was just one night. I had a few beers--" She only shook her head and looked down. As if she was expecting me to make some excuse like this. Like I was some druggie or alcoholic who had a vicious cycle. I wasn't like that!
"I'm not like that!" I screamed.
The sudden raise in my voice startled us both. We each were motionless for several minutes, merely staring at each other in shock.
"Mom," I finally said after some time. I sank onto the bed in front of her, taking her hands in mine. I had to make her believe me. I had to make her see that it was just depression causing me to do what I did. It wasn't like I'd ever, ever do it again. I needed an escape, and I had got one, I wouldn't ever NEED to do it again. It was just a mistake; she had to see that...
Only, when I looked to her pleadingly, she pulled her hand from mine and stood up, avoiding my gaze. "I'm sorry Ashley, but you're going to have to live with your father. I can't take this anymore."
I stood again, only my legs felt shaky like they wouldn't support me. "Mom, please." I tried to block her from leaving. "You can't kick me out. I'm your daughter!"
She looked to me, tears starting to fill in her eyes. "I know, which is why I have to do what's best for you. It's why I can't let you stay here. You'll get yourself killed."
"You know I'm not a bad kid, mom." My voice cracked under the strain. I was desperate. She had to see! "Please. Nothing like this will happen ever--"
"Ever again?" She shook her head, only in disgust now. "That's what you said last time, Ashley. This time, I'm putting my foot down. I want your stuff packed by tomorrow afternoon."
At the finalization of her words, my knees gave out and I slumped into the wall. My mother didn't look twice as she hurried past me and down the stairs.
She had abandoned me. The news didn't even seem real, as I just stood there dazed. Yet I knew in my heart, this was real. I had to leave my own home, by tomorrow.