A.N – Usually I don't add these because I hardly ever read them. Lol But I
think this is a good place to put them because I wanted to thank everyone
who's been reviewing this story! THANK YOU! This is my first piece of fan
fiction that I've been writing and really enjoying. It's been cool to
update it, and I have some other story ideas if anyone would be interested.
This one I'm hoping to keep interesting, and so I love hearing you're
opinions on them. Thanks so much for reading!
A-chan
I thought it would be Ellie to be the first to find me. She was my best friend. As I sat huddled on the toilet in the girls' washroom, I waited. Someone would have something to say about what just happened. I wished I could stay here forever. Things were quickly falling apart around me, and tighter I tried to hold onto it, the more my grip slid.
"Ms. Kerwin?" I heard a soft knock on the stall door. I looked up to see Ms. Kwan peeking through the gap at me.
I peeled myself off the toilet and stood, opening the stall. I just stared at the ground. I didn't want to face anyone because I wasn't ready to. Much to my surprise she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a warm embrace. I was a confused as we stood their a moment, hugging. Finally she let me go and looked into my face, even though I would not catch her eye. She smoothed down the side of my hair that was slowly growing back. "Mr. Radish wants to see you in his office." Even though it was scary news, she sounded so calm and concerned, that I didn't feel any fear.
Or maybe it was the fact that I was beyond fear. Everything was slowly but surely going, and why should this be any different? I wasn't afraid anymore, as I followed Ms. Kwan out of the washroom and down the hall towards the office. Some kids were crowding the hallways, and when they saw me coming they pointed and whispered things to one another. It didn't faze me.
I was starting to see how fear ruled people's lives. How is made us stay within guidelines or make our decisions for us. It was funny how fearless I seemed to be when everything was wrong. Life should have been the other way. We shouldn't fear what we do from day to day, because life is too short. I also wondered that if it was because people felt secure, that they felt afraid. To lose their security causes them to fear. The world somehow made so much sense that I could have written a book with simple guidelines to life. This is what I thought about as I crossed my arms and sat down across from Mr. Radish in his office.
He looked over his glasses at me, his hands folded on top of his desk. He was waiting for me to say something. I just sat there, staring back at him. We held both held out for a long time, but he finally cracked when he sighed. "Ashley, is there something going on?" He asked, even though from his tone he already knew there was. Why else would I be seated in the Principles office if something weren't going on?
I decided to be coy. There was no need for me to rush things. I might not even be returning to Degrassi.
"What do you mean?"
He motioned behind me, probably referencing what happened in the cafeteria. "I'm talking about what went on in there. It was inappropriate behavior." His voice was rising. I wondered if he would lecture me too.
I sighed, although it wasn't a resigned one, it was a frustrated one. He was wasting both our time. "I lost my temper," I said, through gritted teeth. "That's all."
He paused a moment and leaned back in his plush chair. He was studying me. I decided to look at the corner of his desk at that moment. If I looked indescribable, he wouldn't be able to read me. He couldn't read what was going on. I liked it better that way. Finally he nodded a bit, as if seeing my defenses were up. "Very well. I'll let you go with a warning this time," He leaned foreword, trying to be menacing. "But we warned that Degrassi does not favor that attitude. You've been a good student here, and I would hate to see anything jeopardize that."
He sounded just like my parents. Just like one of my teachers. They all sounded the same, now that I thought about it. They all sounded ancient, like they didn't know what they were doing and they had read some cheesy lines from a book. They didn't remember what it was like to be a teenager at all. They didn't understand, but they couldn't even see that they didn't understand. It was pathetic.
To be a good sport, I nodded slowly. "May I go now?"
He frowned. His feathers were probably ruffled at the thought that I didn't care if I was punished or not. He didn't have any power over me. "Yes. But no more fights, understood?"
I stood, trying hard not to glare at him. "Yes Mr. Radish, I understand." I refrained from being overly sarcastic. It worked. He nodded and began to shuffle some papers as a silent excusing of me.
I turned and made my way out of the office. The halls were now filling more with students, as the first bell was going to ring soon. All of their faces blurred as I strode by. My mind felt foggy, so I focused solely on making it to my next class. I still had 3 periods to go before I would be free to go home.
Go home to what? I remembered. Go home to packing, to living with a Dad that I hadn't been close to in years. It was like every thought I had lead down a road that didn't go anywhere. I entered the classroom, and was ambushed by Ellie. She stood there in front of me, with her hands on her hips.
"What's going on Ashley?" She demanded.
I stood surprised. It was kind of funny of her thinking she could intimidate me when I was inches taller then she was. I brushed past her and found my seat. My legs were getting that feeling like I wouldn't be able to stand much longer.
Ellie was right on my tail. She looked furious, something I hadn't ever seen before. "Something is going on. I'm your best friend, aren't I?"
I nodded, resigned. "Of course, El." How could I explain?
"Then you can tell me anything." She sat in the seat beside me, her eyes never leaving my face.
I looked to the front of the classroom, staring at the well-used chalkboard. "I messed up."
"Messed up?" She shook her head, confused. "Messed up how?"
I curled my fingers. Shame was starting to build up in my stomach as I stared hard, trying to remember the words to say. Something to say to make it sound less bad then it actually was. There wasn't a good way to say it. There was no good involved with what happened.
"I--I got drunk over the weekend." I glanced at her face, but quickly looked away when I saw the mild shock. I continued in a rush, "Toby found me, and he called my parents home from their weekend get-away. Basically my mother is furious with me and decided she couldn't take it anymore and has kicked me out of the house."
I let out a long breath, and waited for Ellie's response. Her eyes shifted down and she smiled a little. "Sounds like you're at the breaking point." Her voice was soft.
I felt relief that she wasn't ranting about me drinking. Anyone else would be. Then again, she wasn't around to see me on the drugs. To see me cast everyone out of my life with only one decision. This time hadn't really hurt anyone, except myself. I really did underestimate her.
"So what are you going to do?" Ellie was looking at me expectantly.
I gave a half shrug. "I have no choice. I have to move out."
Ellie's look fell. "But where will you go?"
"With my dad, most likely." I shuddered a little at the thought. Going and staying with my gay father while he traveled the world with his lover, which was not the happiest thought. "Although I'm not sure how it's going to work."
Ellie's brows furrowed, as she thought. "Your dad. You've never really talked about him. Does he live around here?"
I laughed. I couldn't help it. She probably thought he was as steady and stable as my mother. "No. He's dedicated to his business and travels all over the place, for months at a time usually. In the past we'd hang out for a weekend, just doing things I wanted to do."
I think Ellie realized what this could mean, but she didn't have the heart to say it yet. "So--"
I waited, watching her softly. I could almost feel my heart breaking too. I finally find a decent best friend, and this happens. "You want to know if I'll have to leave Degrassi, right?" I tilted my head.
She nodded silently, and I couldn't help but notice her red braids bounce around. This made me smile a little as I looked down. "I don't know Ellie. I just don't know what's going to happen."
---
The last bell finally rang. I scooped up my books and ran out of the classroom before any of my friends could stop to ask what happened at lunch. I practically ran down the hallway and out the double doors. I looked around for my mom's car, but noticed she wasn't here yet. Ellie came out the door behind me. "Wait up!" She called, breathless. She must have run to catch up with me. "I want to talk to you."
I nodded and followed her back inside. We wandered down the hall, towards the counseling office. When she nodded on the door, I looked at her. "What are we doing here?"
"I want you to talk to her. She can really help."
I leaned against the wall. "I'm already in therapy, remember?"
Ellie nodded. "I know, but--"
"But what?" I shook my head. "I think it's beyond her help."
Ellie sobered up a moment and stared hard at me. "She helped me."
"Helped you with what?"
Suddenly, the girl I knew to be my best friend shuffled her feet and backed away. She looked--ashamed. I got the same feeling as earlier, when she was talking with Paige. Suddenly it clicked. Paige had been in counseling, I wondered if this was that thing they had in common that she was talking about. Had Ellie been violated?
My spine pricked, as I felt my protective nature kick in. "Ellie, why are you in counseling?"
Her eyes shifted and her mouth opened, but nothing came out. I moved and put a hand on her arm. I wanted her to know whatever she had to tell me it was okay. I'd be here for her. She smiled slightly, then sighed. "Ever since my dad left, it's been really hard." She glanced up at me, then away, before leaning against the wall. "I--I started cutting myself."
I was shocked. "Ellie, you cut?" I whispered hoarsely.
She nodded slightly, then looked up at me honestly. "I haven't in a long time, because I'm getting help. It was actually, Paige, who helped."
A double shock came to me. "Paige?"
She nodded. "Everyone has their secrets, Ash. I was cutting. Paige was raped. Craig was cheating. You were drinking." As she talked, my head spun. The news seemed so surreal, yet after everything that had been happening to me, I should believe it.
I leaned against the wall, letting my head swim. Just then I looked up to see Manny Santos walking over to me. She stood in front of me, eyeing me up and down with distaste. I scowled and stood taller. "Manny."
She rolled her eyes and tossed her hair, before placing a hand on her exposed hip. "Whatever. I just came to tell you, to stay away from Craig." She glared at me defiantly.
"Excuse me?" I almost laughed. Manny used to be some nothing girl, and now that she dressed like a slut, she thought she could do whatever she wanted.
"You heard me. He thinks you're a psycho freak, and he doesn't want anything to do with you. He's my man now, and you need to stay away from him." She crossed her arms. "Got it?"
I took a step closer, hovering over her. "Is that a threat?"
Her face flinched momentarily, but then pulled another glare back together. "Maybe it is." She spun on her heel now and walked away.
I scuffed and looked over at Ellie, whose eyebrows were raised. She stood beside me and watched Manny walk off. I felt rage boiling under my skin.
"I wonder what her secret is?" Ellie mused, before looking at me.
Suddenly, I wondered too. What did Manny Santos hide?
A-chan
I thought it would be Ellie to be the first to find me. She was my best friend. As I sat huddled on the toilet in the girls' washroom, I waited. Someone would have something to say about what just happened. I wished I could stay here forever. Things were quickly falling apart around me, and tighter I tried to hold onto it, the more my grip slid.
"Ms. Kerwin?" I heard a soft knock on the stall door. I looked up to see Ms. Kwan peeking through the gap at me.
I peeled myself off the toilet and stood, opening the stall. I just stared at the ground. I didn't want to face anyone because I wasn't ready to. Much to my surprise she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a warm embrace. I was a confused as we stood their a moment, hugging. Finally she let me go and looked into my face, even though I would not catch her eye. She smoothed down the side of my hair that was slowly growing back. "Mr. Radish wants to see you in his office." Even though it was scary news, she sounded so calm and concerned, that I didn't feel any fear.
Or maybe it was the fact that I was beyond fear. Everything was slowly but surely going, and why should this be any different? I wasn't afraid anymore, as I followed Ms. Kwan out of the washroom and down the hall towards the office. Some kids were crowding the hallways, and when they saw me coming they pointed and whispered things to one another. It didn't faze me.
I was starting to see how fear ruled people's lives. How is made us stay within guidelines or make our decisions for us. It was funny how fearless I seemed to be when everything was wrong. Life should have been the other way. We shouldn't fear what we do from day to day, because life is too short. I also wondered that if it was because people felt secure, that they felt afraid. To lose their security causes them to fear. The world somehow made so much sense that I could have written a book with simple guidelines to life. This is what I thought about as I crossed my arms and sat down across from Mr. Radish in his office.
He looked over his glasses at me, his hands folded on top of his desk. He was waiting for me to say something. I just sat there, staring back at him. We held both held out for a long time, but he finally cracked when he sighed. "Ashley, is there something going on?" He asked, even though from his tone he already knew there was. Why else would I be seated in the Principles office if something weren't going on?
I decided to be coy. There was no need for me to rush things. I might not even be returning to Degrassi.
"What do you mean?"
He motioned behind me, probably referencing what happened in the cafeteria. "I'm talking about what went on in there. It was inappropriate behavior." His voice was rising. I wondered if he would lecture me too.
I sighed, although it wasn't a resigned one, it was a frustrated one. He was wasting both our time. "I lost my temper," I said, through gritted teeth. "That's all."
He paused a moment and leaned back in his plush chair. He was studying me. I decided to look at the corner of his desk at that moment. If I looked indescribable, he wouldn't be able to read me. He couldn't read what was going on. I liked it better that way. Finally he nodded a bit, as if seeing my defenses were up. "Very well. I'll let you go with a warning this time," He leaned foreword, trying to be menacing. "But we warned that Degrassi does not favor that attitude. You've been a good student here, and I would hate to see anything jeopardize that."
He sounded just like my parents. Just like one of my teachers. They all sounded the same, now that I thought about it. They all sounded ancient, like they didn't know what they were doing and they had read some cheesy lines from a book. They didn't remember what it was like to be a teenager at all. They didn't understand, but they couldn't even see that they didn't understand. It was pathetic.
To be a good sport, I nodded slowly. "May I go now?"
He frowned. His feathers were probably ruffled at the thought that I didn't care if I was punished or not. He didn't have any power over me. "Yes. But no more fights, understood?"
I stood, trying hard not to glare at him. "Yes Mr. Radish, I understand." I refrained from being overly sarcastic. It worked. He nodded and began to shuffle some papers as a silent excusing of me.
I turned and made my way out of the office. The halls were now filling more with students, as the first bell was going to ring soon. All of their faces blurred as I strode by. My mind felt foggy, so I focused solely on making it to my next class. I still had 3 periods to go before I would be free to go home.
Go home to what? I remembered. Go home to packing, to living with a Dad that I hadn't been close to in years. It was like every thought I had lead down a road that didn't go anywhere. I entered the classroom, and was ambushed by Ellie. She stood there in front of me, with her hands on her hips.
"What's going on Ashley?" She demanded.
I stood surprised. It was kind of funny of her thinking she could intimidate me when I was inches taller then she was. I brushed past her and found my seat. My legs were getting that feeling like I wouldn't be able to stand much longer.
Ellie was right on my tail. She looked furious, something I hadn't ever seen before. "Something is going on. I'm your best friend, aren't I?"
I nodded, resigned. "Of course, El." How could I explain?
"Then you can tell me anything." She sat in the seat beside me, her eyes never leaving my face.
I looked to the front of the classroom, staring at the well-used chalkboard. "I messed up."
"Messed up?" She shook her head, confused. "Messed up how?"
I curled my fingers. Shame was starting to build up in my stomach as I stared hard, trying to remember the words to say. Something to say to make it sound less bad then it actually was. There wasn't a good way to say it. There was no good involved with what happened.
"I--I got drunk over the weekend." I glanced at her face, but quickly looked away when I saw the mild shock. I continued in a rush, "Toby found me, and he called my parents home from their weekend get-away. Basically my mother is furious with me and decided she couldn't take it anymore and has kicked me out of the house."
I let out a long breath, and waited for Ellie's response. Her eyes shifted down and she smiled a little. "Sounds like you're at the breaking point." Her voice was soft.
I felt relief that she wasn't ranting about me drinking. Anyone else would be. Then again, she wasn't around to see me on the drugs. To see me cast everyone out of my life with only one decision. This time hadn't really hurt anyone, except myself. I really did underestimate her.
"So what are you going to do?" Ellie was looking at me expectantly.
I gave a half shrug. "I have no choice. I have to move out."
Ellie's look fell. "But where will you go?"
"With my dad, most likely." I shuddered a little at the thought. Going and staying with my gay father while he traveled the world with his lover, which was not the happiest thought. "Although I'm not sure how it's going to work."
Ellie's brows furrowed, as she thought. "Your dad. You've never really talked about him. Does he live around here?"
I laughed. I couldn't help it. She probably thought he was as steady and stable as my mother. "No. He's dedicated to his business and travels all over the place, for months at a time usually. In the past we'd hang out for a weekend, just doing things I wanted to do."
I think Ellie realized what this could mean, but she didn't have the heart to say it yet. "So--"
I waited, watching her softly. I could almost feel my heart breaking too. I finally find a decent best friend, and this happens. "You want to know if I'll have to leave Degrassi, right?" I tilted my head.
She nodded silently, and I couldn't help but notice her red braids bounce around. This made me smile a little as I looked down. "I don't know Ellie. I just don't know what's going to happen."
---
The last bell finally rang. I scooped up my books and ran out of the classroom before any of my friends could stop to ask what happened at lunch. I practically ran down the hallway and out the double doors. I looked around for my mom's car, but noticed she wasn't here yet. Ellie came out the door behind me. "Wait up!" She called, breathless. She must have run to catch up with me. "I want to talk to you."
I nodded and followed her back inside. We wandered down the hall, towards the counseling office. When she nodded on the door, I looked at her. "What are we doing here?"
"I want you to talk to her. She can really help."
I leaned against the wall. "I'm already in therapy, remember?"
Ellie nodded. "I know, but--"
"But what?" I shook my head. "I think it's beyond her help."
Ellie sobered up a moment and stared hard at me. "She helped me."
"Helped you with what?"
Suddenly, the girl I knew to be my best friend shuffled her feet and backed away. She looked--ashamed. I got the same feeling as earlier, when she was talking with Paige. Suddenly it clicked. Paige had been in counseling, I wondered if this was that thing they had in common that she was talking about. Had Ellie been violated?
My spine pricked, as I felt my protective nature kick in. "Ellie, why are you in counseling?"
Her eyes shifted and her mouth opened, but nothing came out. I moved and put a hand on her arm. I wanted her to know whatever she had to tell me it was okay. I'd be here for her. She smiled slightly, then sighed. "Ever since my dad left, it's been really hard." She glanced up at me, then away, before leaning against the wall. "I--I started cutting myself."
I was shocked. "Ellie, you cut?" I whispered hoarsely.
She nodded slightly, then looked up at me honestly. "I haven't in a long time, because I'm getting help. It was actually, Paige, who helped."
A double shock came to me. "Paige?"
She nodded. "Everyone has their secrets, Ash. I was cutting. Paige was raped. Craig was cheating. You were drinking." As she talked, my head spun. The news seemed so surreal, yet after everything that had been happening to me, I should believe it.
I leaned against the wall, letting my head swim. Just then I looked up to see Manny Santos walking over to me. She stood in front of me, eyeing me up and down with distaste. I scowled and stood taller. "Manny."
She rolled her eyes and tossed her hair, before placing a hand on her exposed hip. "Whatever. I just came to tell you, to stay away from Craig." She glared at me defiantly.
"Excuse me?" I almost laughed. Manny used to be some nothing girl, and now that she dressed like a slut, she thought she could do whatever she wanted.
"You heard me. He thinks you're a psycho freak, and he doesn't want anything to do with you. He's my man now, and you need to stay away from him." She crossed her arms. "Got it?"
I took a step closer, hovering over her. "Is that a threat?"
Her face flinched momentarily, but then pulled another glare back together. "Maybe it is." She spun on her heel now and walked away.
I scuffed and looked over at Ellie, whose eyebrows were raised. She stood beside me and watched Manny walk off. I felt rage boiling under my skin.
"I wonder what her secret is?" Ellie mused, before looking at me.
Suddenly, I wondered too. What did Manny Santos hide?