All that happened before happened again. It was happening still. I
saw it all again.
I said goodbye to my parents, they went for a drive. And the train again, they stalled on the tracks. Darry's stark eyes when he told me, "Ponyboy, they're dead,"
And the movie, how bright the sun was after the darkness. I didn't mind walking home alone. I liked to be alone. Again and again the red corvair trails me, is trailing me, a disconnected terror. Five socs getting out of the car, surrounding me. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Would they do to me what they did to Johnny?
And it passes, and I pass, too. Then we're at the corner of Pickett and Sutton, acting cool with Dallas. Under the fence again to the movie because Dallas wouldn't pay. And I talk to Cherry Valence endlessly after Johnny makes Dallas leave. Even as it happens again I stare at him, it was more than nerve.
Under the stars and burning embers Johnny and I talk, it gets so cold. He wishes he was in a place with just people, wishes he was dead, what do the Chinese say? May you get what you wish for? I can see Johnny, tears on his cheeks, black hair in his eyes.
He wakes me up, tells me to go home. But I'm afraid of Darry, Darry can't stand me.
"Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?" Darry yells and yells he hates me.
"I said I didn't mean to!" And he shoves me hits me hurts me I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
I run to the park with Johnny, it is cold, it twists back on itself, time like a ribbon balled in a careless fist, I can see Johnny's breath and my own, ice forming on the edge of the fountain.
Socs at the park white trash with mustangs and madras Johnny's eyes are wild like an animal in a cage and they drown me, drowning me. Water in my lungs red haze in my brain and this time unlike before I see Johnny pick himself up and flip out the blade. He stumbles toward the soc and the knife goes right in his chest.
The church on fire again and again it burns the embers of my brain. I see so much more, I'm inside the church and outside it and Dallas pulls me out, knocks me out. And I hear Johnny scream as the roof collapses and Dallas goes in and pulls him out. So he is gallant, the thought like smoke, Johnny is badly burned. Johnny, no. I can't lose him.
But I do. I visit him twice, once with TwoBit and once with Dally, day and night, we told the doctor we were his only family but he dies anyway.
I can see Dallas losing his mind, his face crumpling as Johnny dies, "Please don't die, please don't die..." I think he said to Johnny. And he goes out into a thousand nights a thousand times, robbing the man with an empty gun so the cops will empty their guns into him. He called Darry so I could see, so I could see all my friends die, and my parents, and Johnny who protected me and saved me, Dally saved me, too, they died maybe I died I don't, can't think anymore, can't...
"Ponyboy?"
You know that moment when you wake up and you don't know what's real, the dream or your life? And then the dream flies away, disintegrates like it never existed at all? You know that moment?
"Ponyboy?"
Dad.
"You were dreaming,"
"Dad?"
"It's me, kiddo,"
The dream was already slipping into the cracks of my subconscious, but I held enough of it to know that I was glad to see him. Dad.
I hugged him fiercily. So tight he couldn't breath. He hugged back, stroked my hair.
"It must have been some dream," he said.
Next day I felt edgy. My parents said they were going for a drive.
"No!" I said, not sure why I'd fall apart if they left.
"Ponyboy, we won't be long," my mother said. Golden hair, golden and beautiful.
"No!" I said, blocking the door.
"No, please..." Pleading, begging. It was important they not go.
"Ponyboy?" My mother looked confused and upset, wanting to go for a drive with my dad.
"Please, just this once, don't go, o.k.?"
"O.k.?" Tears and heaving sobs how to convince them? Stay. Stay.
"O.k., Ponyboy, o.k.," my mother looks baffled and I hug her, too.
"Any other day, not today,"
The night passes and they are with us, not at the morgue.
I said goodbye to my parents, they went for a drive. And the train again, they stalled on the tracks. Darry's stark eyes when he told me, "Ponyboy, they're dead,"
And the movie, how bright the sun was after the darkness. I didn't mind walking home alone. I liked to be alone. Again and again the red corvair trails me, is trailing me, a disconnected terror. Five socs getting out of the car, surrounding me. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny. Would they do to me what they did to Johnny?
And it passes, and I pass, too. Then we're at the corner of Pickett and Sutton, acting cool with Dallas. Under the fence again to the movie because Dallas wouldn't pay. And I talk to Cherry Valence endlessly after Johnny makes Dallas leave. Even as it happens again I stare at him, it was more than nerve.
Under the stars and burning embers Johnny and I talk, it gets so cold. He wishes he was in a place with just people, wishes he was dead, what do the Chinese say? May you get what you wish for? I can see Johnny, tears on his cheeks, black hair in his eyes.
He wakes me up, tells me to go home. But I'm afraid of Darry, Darry can't stand me.
"Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?" Darry yells and yells he hates me.
"I said I didn't mean to!" And he shoves me hits me hurts me I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
I run to the park with Johnny, it is cold, it twists back on itself, time like a ribbon balled in a careless fist, I can see Johnny's breath and my own, ice forming on the edge of the fountain.
Socs at the park white trash with mustangs and madras Johnny's eyes are wild like an animal in a cage and they drown me, drowning me. Water in my lungs red haze in my brain and this time unlike before I see Johnny pick himself up and flip out the blade. He stumbles toward the soc and the knife goes right in his chest.
The church on fire again and again it burns the embers of my brain. I see so much more, I'm inside the church and outside it and Dallas pulls me out, knocks me out. And I hear Johnny scream as the roof collapses and Dallas goes in and pulls him out. So he is gallant, the thought like smoke, Johnny is badly burned. Johnny, no. I can't lose him.
But I do. I visit him twice, once with TwoBit and once with Dally, day and night, we told the doctor we were his only family but he dies anyway.
I can see Dallas losing his mind, his face crumpling as Johnny dies, "Please don't die, please don't die..." I think he said to Johnny. And he goes out into a thousand nights a thousand times, robbing the man with an empty gun so the cops will empty their guns into him. He called Darry so I could see, so I could see all my friends die, and my parents, and Johnny who protected me and saved me, Dally saved me, too, they died maybe I died I don't, can't think anymore, can't...
"Ponyboy?"
You know that moment when you wake up and you don't know what's real, the dream or your life? And then the dream flies away, disintegrates like it never existed at all? You know that moment?
"Ponyboy?"
Dad.
"You were dreaming,"
"Dad?"
"It's me, kiddo,"
The dream was already slipping into the cracks of my subconscious, but I held enough of it to know that I was glad to see him. Dad.
I hugged him fiercily. So tight he couldn't breath. He hugged back, stroked my hair.
"It must have been some dream," he said.
Next day I felt edgy. My parents said they were going for a drive.
"No!" I said, not sure why I'd fall apart if they left.
"Ponyboy, we won't be long," my mother said. Golden hair, golden and beautiful.
"No!" I said, blocking the door.
"No, please..." Pleading, begging. It was important they not go.
"Ponyboy?" My mother looked confused and upset, wanting to go for a drive with my dad.
"Please, just this once, don't go, o.k.?"
"O.k.?" Tears and heaving sobs how to convince them? Stay. Stay.
"O.k., Ponyboy, o.k.," my mother looks baffled and I hug her, too.
"Any other day, not today,"
The night passes and they are with us, not at the morgue.