Dancing In Circles Chapter 2: Alone in a Crowd
Abby ignored Maggie's whiny, tearful words and walked away, her steps heavy, her face blank. It was the same story she'd gotten so many times before. Maggie went through a crying stage during every cycle. There was the manic phase, where she bounced off the walls, always moving from one project to another, and then there was the downward spiral where her energy and hormones crashed and she would lie around listlessly for days. Mixed in both phases were the outbursts of anger and the crying jags.
Well, Carter and Legaspi could take care of her for a while. Someone else could deal with her, because Abby needed a break. She needed to get out of the hospital and away from the covert stares of curious coworkers. She could feel a dozen pairs of eyes glancing at her as she made her way down the hall. She wanted to yell at them, but that would only strengthen their suspicion.
She wished she could leave the hospital altogether, but her shift wasn't quite over, so she pressed the elevator's up button. She'd go to the roof. Quiet, private, but she'd still be able to get back to the ER quickly if she was paged. Maybe she'd even be able to hide out until the end of her shift. Then she could save the headache of dealing with everyone's curiosity for tomorrow.
Once she was in the elevator car, closed off from the noise of the ER, she felt a little better. For a few minutes at least, no one could bother her. She could have a little bit of peace before she had to step back into the madness and finish the last couple hours of her shift.
When she opened the door and stepped onto the roof, she immediately regretted that she hadn't stopped in the lounge to grab her coat. It was freezing out here. Chicago in December meant bitter temperatures and wind. Not a pleasant combination, but neither was she anxious to go back inside.
She walked to the edge of the roof and looked down. People scurried in and out of the hospital, hurrying to get out of the cold. Abby looked away, sliding down the short wall and sitting with her back against it. With most of the wind now blocked away from her, she scraped her hands through her hair. Of all the places for her mother to have an outburst, it had to have happened in the hospital. But really, Abby had no one to blame but herself. She'd seen the signs of Maggie's oncoming mania when she's arrived at her apartment this morning. But she'd let Maggie guilt her into forgetting about the blood test, and she'd paid the price.
Earlier, when she'd pulled herself together and gone back to the curtain area where Luka had been trying to suture Maggie's hand, it had seemed almost like she was flirting to him. Abby had been mortified. Her relationship with Luka was still a little shaky, and she was afraid that Maggie was going to push him away from her before they had a chance. Abby had apologized to him, which had only set Maggie off.
Then the mania had taken over. It had been automatic for Abby to argue with her, to do anything she could to get Maggie to calm down. But it hadn't worked. As soon as Abby said the word Haldol, Maggie had panicked. She'd been a runaway freight train, drawing attention from anyone who wasn't in a coma. Abby had watched stoically as she tried to run, then was caught by Luka and carried back to the gurney. As she, Luka, Carter and Chuny all worked to restrain her wildly flailing limbs, a tidal wave of emotions had threatened to take Abby over. This wasn't some random patient. This was her mother screaming, cursing her. This was the nightmare she'd suffered repeatedly since she was a child, that Maggie would suffer a manic episode while Abby was at school or work.
She tipped her head back and closed her eyes, the cold from the stone penetrating her thin scrubs. Up here though, it was quiet. She could hear only the muted street sounds from below. The only voices were the screams echoing in her head.
She groaned when she heard the harsh squeal of the roof door. Didn't people know it was way too cold to be up here? Why didn't they stay inside to take their breaks? There were plenty of lounges or various other empty rooms where they could spend their time.
But when she looked up she saw Luka coming toward her, and he was carrying her coat. She accepted it gratefully and slid into it, hugging it close to her body. "How did you know where I was?"
"Your shift wasn't over, so I figured you'd stay close to the hospital. Your coat was still in your locker, so I knew you had to be here somewhere."
Abby shrugged, turning back to the wall. She rested her elbows on the ledge and looked out at the city. "I needed to get away for a while. I'm sick of the stares."
"They weren't staring at you."
"Of course they were. If it had been someone else, I probably would have stared, too."
She sighed and went silent for a few moments. Then she looked up at him. "How long, do you think?"
"How long what?" Luka asked.
"How long do you think it'll take before people stop being afraid to talk to me?"
"Abby, it's not like that."
"Sure it is. Something like that doesn't happen without inviting speculation. It's what happened when I was a kid, and it's going to happen now. Everyone knows she's my mother—or at least they do now—and they're going to look at me and wonder. Am I a chip off the old block? Am I my mother's daughter?"
"How is she doing now?" Luka asked after a minute.
"She's weepy, promising to get better. I might think about believing her if she hadn't done the same thing a couple dozen other times."
Abby looked out at the city as the sun began to set. Luka leaned against the ledge beside her, and she wondered what she should do. She'd never had anyone to help her deal with her family before. She didn't want him to see her like this. They'd already been through so much together; she didn't know how much more drama the relationship could take. She didn't want to lose him, but how did she hold onto him when her instinct to run and hide was in direct contrast to his instinct to protect and help?
"Is she going to be admitted?" Luka asked.
"Legaspi said she'd admit her."
"Are you going to wait here and make sure she gets settled?"
She slowly shook her head. "I don't think I can take any more apologies right now. I don't want to listen to her cry. I just need a break from it all." She turned her head and looked up at him. "Does that make me a terrible person? That I don't want to stay here with her?"
"No, it doesn't. It makes you human, Abby. Everybody needs a break sometimes."
"She'll probably try to escape, anyway. And I don't know if I should try to stop her."
"Escape?"
"She won't stay in the hospital. She never does. Says it doesn't do her any good, and that she hates being locked up with a bunch of crazy people."
"So you'll just let her go?"
She ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know what else to do. Help only works if you want it."
"Right." He watched her for several long moments, and she found herself curious as to what he was thinking. But she didn't ask. She was afraid his answer would involve her not wanting help. "How long until your shift is over?" he asked.
She glanced at her watch. "Almost an hour."
"Why don't you go? You could use a rest."
"Go? You want me to leave in the middle of my shift?"
"We aren't too busy right now. I don't think anyone would notice if you left a little early."
"And they wouldn't say anything even if they noticed, right?" She waved away his objection. "Maybe I'll go over to Doc Magoo's and get some coffee. That way I'll still be close by if a trauma comes in."
Luka nodded. "Good. I should be able to leave soon too. Do you want to wait for me or do you want me to give you the room key?"
She shook her head. "I'll wait out there for you. Do you mind clocking me out when you go down?"
"Not a problem. Are you coming?"
"In a minute. I'm going to slip out a side door. I don't want anyone to notice me."
"Okay. I shouldn't be more than an hour."
Abby watched as he turned away and went back to the door. "Luka, wait," she said when his hand turned the knob. His eyes met hers and she said, "Thanks for everything."
He nodded, his lips tipping up at the corners, and then he was through the door and back inside the hospital. He was giving her space, not forcing her to talk about things when she didn't want to or make decisions she wasn't ready to make. How many people would have done that? Most people who came across her family seemed to think they knew what was best. But Luka was offering his help without pushing her too hard.
Now all she had to do was learn to accept it.
Abby ignored Maggie's whiny, tearful words and walked away, her steps heavy, her face blank. It was the same story she'd gotten so many times before. Maggie went through a crying stage during every cycle. There was the manic phase, where she bounced off the walls, always moving from one project to another, and then there was the downward spiral where her energy and hormones crashed and she would lie around listlessly for days. Mixed in both phases were the outbursts of anger and the crying jags.
Well, Carter and Legaspi could take care of her for a while. Someone else could deal with her, because Abby needed a break. She needed to get out of the hospital and away from the covert stares of curious coworkers. She could feel a dozen pairs of eyes glancing at her as she made her way down the hall. She wanted to yell at them, but that would only strengthen their suspicion.
She wished she could leave the hospital altogether, but her shift wasn't quite over, so she pressed the elevator's up button. She'd go to the roof. Quiet, private, but she'd still be able to get back to the ER quickly if she was paged. Maybe she'd even be able to hide out until the end of her shift. Then she could save the headache of dealing with everyone's curiosity for tomorrow.
Once she was in the elevator car, closed off from the noise of the ER, she felt a little better. For a few minutes at least, no one could bother her. She could have a little bit of peace before she had to step back into the madness and finish the last couple hours of her shift.
When she opened the door and stepped onto the roof, she immediately regretted that she hadn't stopped in the lounge to grab her coat. It was freezing out here. Chicago in December meant bitter temperatures and wind. Not a pleasant combination, but neither was she anxious to go back inside.
She walked to the edge of the roof and looked down. People scurried in and out of the hospital, hurrying to get out of the cold. Abby looked away, sliding down the short wall and sitting with her back against it. With most of the wind now blocked away from her, she scraped her hands through her hair. Of all the places for her mother to have an outburst, it had to have happened in the hospital. But really, Abby had no one to blame but herself. She'd seen the signs of Maggie's oncoming mania when she's arrived at her apartment this morning. But she'd let Maggie guilt her into forgetting about the blood test, and she'd paid the price.
Earlier, when she'd pulled herself together and gone back to the curtain area where Luka had been trying to suture Maggie's hand, it had seemed almost like she was flirting to him. Abby had been mortified. Her relationship with Luka was still a little shaky, and she was afraid that Maggie was going to push him away from her before they had a chance. Abby had apologized to him, which had only set Maggie off.
Then the mania had taken over. It had been automatic for Abby to argue with her, to do anything she could to get Maggie to calm down. But it hadn't worked. As soon as Abby said the word Haldol, Maggie had panicked. She'd been a runaway freight train, drawing attention from anyone who wasn't in a coma. Abby had watched stoically as she tried to run, then was caught by Luka and carried back to the gurney. As she, Luka, Carter and Chuny all worked to restrain her wildly flailing limbs, a tidal wave of emotions had threatened to take Abby over. This wasn't some random patient. This was her mother screaming, cursing her. This was the nightmare she'd suffered repeatedly since she was a child, that Maggie would suffer a manic episode while Abby was at school or work.
She tipped her head back and closed her eyes, the cold from the stone penetrating her thin scrubs. Up here though, it was quiet. She could hear only the muted street sounds from below. The only voices were the screams echoing in her head.
She groaned when she heard the harsh squeal of the roof door. Didn't people know it was way too cold to be up here? Why didn't they stay inside to take their breaks? There were plenty of lounges or various other empty rooms where they could spend their time.
But when she looked up she saw Luka coming toward her, and he was carrying her coat. She accepted it gratefully and slid into it, hugging it close to her body. "How did you know where I was?"
"Your shift wasn't over, so I figured you'd stay close to the hospital. Your coat was still in your locker, so I knew you had to be here somewhere."
Abby shrugged, turning back to the wall. She rested her elbows on the ledge and looked out at the city. "I needed to get away for a while. I'm sick of the stares."
"They weren't staring at you."
"Of course they were. If it had been someone else, I probably would have stared, too."
She sighed and went silent for a few moments. Then she looked up at him. "How long, do you think?"
"How long what?" Luka asked.
"How long do you think it'll take before people stop being afraid to talk to me?"
"Abby, it's not like that."
"Sure it is. Something like that doesn't happen without inviting speculation. It's what happened when I was a kid, and it's going to happen now. Everyone knows she's my mother—or at least they do now—and they're going to look at me and wonder. Am I a chip off the old block? Am I my mother's daughter?"
"How is she doing now?" Luka asked after a minute.
"She's weepy, promising to get better. I might think about believing her if she hadn't done the same thing a couple dozen other times."
Abby looked out at the city as the sun began to set. Luka leaned against the ledge beside her, and she wondered what she should do. She'd never had anyone to help her deal with her family before. She didn't want him to see her like this. They'd already been through so much together; she didn't know how much more drama the relationship could take. She didn't want to lose him, but how did she hold onto him when her instinct to run and hide was in direct contrast to his instinct to protect and help?
"Is she going to be admitted?" Luka asked.
"Legaspi said she'd admit her."
"Are you going to wait here and make sure she gets settled?"
She slowly shook her head. "I don't think I can take any more apologies right now. I don't want to listen to her cry. I just need a break from it all." She turned her head and looked up at him. "Does that make me a terrible person? That I don't want to stay here with her?"
"No, it doesn't. It makes you human, Abby. Everybody needs a break sometimes."
"She'll probably try to escape, anyway. And I don't know if I should try to stop her."
"Escape?"
"She won't stay in the hospital. She never does. Says it doesn't do her any good, and that she hates being locked up with a bunch of crazy people."
"So you'll just let her go?"
She ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know what else to do. Help only works if you want it."
"Right." He watched her for several long moments, and she found herself curious as to what he was thinking. But she didn't ask. She was afraid his answer would involve her not wanting help. "How long until your shift is over?" he asked.
She glanced at her watch. "Almost an hour."
"Why don't you go? You could use a rest."
"Go? You want me to leave in the middle of my shift?"
"We aren't too busy right now. I don't think anyone would notice if you left a little early."
"And they wouldn't say anything even if they noticed, right?" She waved away his objection. "Maybe I'll go over to Doc Magoo's and get some coffee. That way I'll still be close by if a trauma comes in."
Luka nodded. "Good. I should be able to leave soon too. Do you want to wait for me or do you want me to give you the room key?"
She shook her head. "I'll wait out there for you. Do you mind clocking me out when you go down?"
"Not a problem. Are you coming?"
"In a minute. I'm going to slip out a side door. I don't want anyone to notice me."
"Okay. I shouldn't be more than an hour."
Abby watched as he turned away and went back to the door. "Luka, wait," she said when his hand turned the knob. His eyes met hers and she said, "Thanks for everything."
He nodded, his lips tipping up at the corners, and then he was through the door and back inside the hospital. He was giving her space, not forcing her to talk about things when she didn't want to or make decisions she wasn't ready to make. How many people would have done that? Most people who came across her family seemed to think they knew what was best. But Luka was offering his help without pushing her too hard.
Now all she had to do was learn to accept it.