Author's Note: Yay! I got feedback! Not that that's all I care about … but come on people, we all know how much we enjoy it! Phoenix: I'm glad you're still here. Who says Doug isn't a top? ;) By all means, let your imagination guide you! I think you'll like this chapter … there will be an extended appearance of a certain character that I gather you like! Anne918: I'm glad you're reading and thanks for reviewing. Thanks for the nice compliments … I hope you enjoy the next chapter!
After another hellish week, Doctor Hillcoat was finally able to give them good news. He told Jack and Pacey that he was confident- certain, actually- that Doug was going to pull through this. He was going to live. Doug's punctured lung was healing quickly, though it would always give him trouble. As for Doug's leg, Doctor Hillcoat told them that it would need at least two more surgeries and months of physical therapy but Doug would most likely walk on it again.
The news was enough to make everyone ecstatic. They all felt as if they had been holding their breaths for three weeks but now, they could finally let it out. Jack was included in all of this and though he still had about a million other worries, he had to admit, things were looking up.
Throughout the next few weeks, life continued almost normally and Jack went back to work. He was helped out by many in the community, Tobey especially. Tobey was always there to help clean the house or walk the dogs or take care of Amy. Jack soon found himself wondering what he would do without his dear friend.
One Friday night, Ryan took Amy out for the evening and Tobey devoted himself to giving Jack a night of relaxation. Tobey ordered them Chinese food, rented every Tom Cruise (Jack's favorite) movie he could find, and bought a twelve-pack of Corona's. The two friends spent the evening laughing and talking and almost forgetting reality for a few hours. They joked about Tom Cruise's many hairstyles and how it didn't matter because he still looked hot. They laughed about old times, and chatted about nothing in particular.
Later in the evening, when the Corona's were done and they had just finished watching Minority Report, the two men leaned back on the couch and grinned at each other.
"He looks the best in that movie."
Jack shook his head. "No way, man. You just can't beat Mission Impossible."
Tobey rolled his eyes. "I never really liked that movie."
"How can you not like a Tom Cruise movie?"
Tobey shrugged. "I'm not obsessed with him like you are."
"I am not obsessed!" Jack threw a pillow in Tobey's direction but missed by a mile.
"Your aim sucks after a few beers, Jack. What happened to the football player in you?"
Jack snorted. "He went away a very long time ago."
"Too bad. You know, that team jacket always looked really hot on you."
"Hey, you laughed at it the first time you saw me in it."
"I just couldn't believe you were a gay football player!"
Jack sighed, smiling. "Tobey, sometimes, you're just so … gay."
Tobey grinned. "I thought I was just really 'out.'"
Jack laughed, recalling when he had told Tobey that on the boat, at their senior prom. "Oh come on, I was young and inexperienced at the time. You were my first boyfriend and like, the third gay guy I'd ever met. I didn't know any better."
"And now you do?"
"Yeah. Now I know that you're just plain really gay!"
Tobey threw a playful punch in Jack's direction.
"That wasn't an insult! It's just like I said that night: it's just one more thing that I like about you."
The two old friends smiled at each other and Jack had a flashback of that night on the boat when he had uttered those very words to Tobey at his senior prom. Just after he had spoken them, he had leaned in and kissed Tobey tenderly on the lips. He remembered how he had sat alone at his table inside for a long time beforehand, practicing that speech and drumming up the courage to perform that final act, to kiss the other boy. He did eventually do it and he and Tobey pulled away from each other, grinning. He had never felt so amazing from just one kiss. It was his first successful kiss with another boy and it was one of those rare occasions in his life that he actually felt he was doing the right thing.
Jack suddenly wanted to relive the magic of that moment, to feel the way he had when he was seventeen and learning things about himself and being crazy about this funny gay kid, Tobey. His life for the past few weeks had been shit. For the first time in all that time, he felt excited about something and so he did not think as he leaned in and kissed Tobey's parted lips.
This kiss, however, was not anything like the first kiss Jack and Tobey had shared. Tobey froze under Jack's insisting lips, shocked by this unexpected move. He quickly came to his senses though and jerked his head back, away from Jack, leaving him hanging in mid-air.
"Jack …"
Jack recoiled quickly and slid to the other end of the couch. He hung his head and ran his hands through his hair. Oh God, what had he done?
"Jack, what-"
"I'm sorry," Jack said, feeling a lump rising in his throat and his eyes well up. "I just- I don't- I don't know why I did that." His words became more choked as he allowed the tears to fall from his eyes. In the moment he had kissed Tobey, Jack's brain turned off and he went into autopilot, doing what he thought he wanted to be doing. The moment Tobey had pulled away, though, Jack realized suddenly what a horrible mistake he was making. He knew he did not want Tobey, that he had no feelings for the man other than friendship, but that there was something lacking so desperately in his life, he just could not take it anymore.
"I just didn't think," Jack said quietly. "I had this sudden urge and I didn't think about what I was doing."
"It's all right," Tobey said gently, having completely recovered from the initial shock. He placed a comforting hand on Jack's knee. "You're going through a lot. It must be a lot to take in."
Jack nodded. "I just miss him so much."
"I know."
"I miss him in so many ways, Tobey. I miss his company, his conversation, his lame jokes, his smile, his entire existence. I also miss the other things- the kisses, the touches, the … the sex." He glanced at Tobey, feeling slightly embarrassed but Tobey's face was full of understanding and compassion.
"Of course you do," Tobey murmured.
"Is that shallow?"
"No! No, of course not! You miss your lover's loving. That's completely understandable."
"You don't know how he touches me, Tobey. He just knows exactly what I like and how to make me … helpless to him. He reads my mind- we read each other's minds. I don't understand people who say that over time, sex with the same person gets boring because with Doug and I- we just can't get enough and it only seems to get better over the years. I didn't even know that was possible and now- now I can't stand living without it. I mean, who knows what it will be like next time? Doug's changed so much- what if … what if it's not the same? What if he can't do the things he used to do? I mean, I'll still love him but … it would be so difficult to live with a new Doug when I have the memory of the old one."
"Jack," Tobey wrapped his arm around Jack's shoulders, "do you know why you and Doug have such amazing sex? It's because you love each other. You will always love each other and though there will be minor changes in every aspect of your life, none of the important stuff will change because you will always love each other."
Jack sobbed and turned, embracing the other man and crying into his shoulder. "Thanks Tobe," he whispered.
Tobey rubbed Jack's back reassuringly. "That's what I'm here for."
Jack slowly followed the long mahogany box up the aisle, Amy at his side, holding his hand. The six men carrying the mahogany box placed it at the front of the church and Jack and Amy took their seats in the front pew.
The minister began to speak. "We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Douglas Witter …"
Jack took a deep breath. Just get through this, he told himself, just get through this day.
Close friends and family members were invited to the burial after the ceremony and so Jack rode in the hearse with his daughter and the family of his lost love. He looked around at their gaunt, mournful faces. He wondered how he must look.
The small gathering of people stood around the coffin, about to be lowered into the earth, as the minister said more words. Everyone wore black. Clouds were gathering in the pale sky. Jack held a red rose in his hand and so did Amy. When the minister indicated to him, Jack and Amy stood. Amy placed her rose on the coffin first.
When Jack's turn came, he stared at the coffin a moment before making a move. You will always be my one true love, he silently told the spirit he could not sense but he hoped was present. And I will always imagine myself with you- holding your hand.
He placed the rose gently on the coffin and leaned in toward it. He gently placed a kiss on the smooth, finished wood and took a step back. The coffin immediately started to lower into the ground. But something was not right. They couldn't be doing this- this couldn't be true. Jack tried to yell, tried to move but could not. This was a mistake! Doug couldn't be dead! How could Doug leave him? STOP! His mind screamed to the box descending into the earth. No, please, just stop!
"Stop!"
Jack jolted upright, opening his eyes suddenly. His heart pounded in his chest, his breathing was laboured, his skin felt damp with perspiration. The room was dark, the house was silent. He was in bed. A dream. It was only a dream. Jack let out a small sigh of relief as he fell back onto the pillows. He ran his hand through his hair. Doug is not dead. Doug is in the hospital. Doug will be home tomorrow …
These facts came rushing back to Jack in a wave of recollection. He didn't understand why he was so nervous about Doug's return tomorrow. After weeks of hell and countless visits to Doug's dreary hospital bed, his love would be home again in only a few hours. A few short hours until Doug was at home away from the doctors and the nurses. Away from the people who knew how to deal with the wounded Doug. And he would be back home where he would be stuck with the new Doug. The Doug who he had never really been alone with, never watched a movie with, or brought their daughter out to lunch with, or cooked supper with, or cleaned the car with, or paid bills with … or had a family with.
Jack closed his eyes, hoping these thoughts would disappear from his mind. He needed his rest. Tomorrow would be a tough day.