Chapter Five – Facing the Past
Arlannis walked slowly beneath the branches of Lorien. Once the companions' voices had faded from earshot, she slowed her pace and simply enjoyed the beauty of the forest. She stood awhile staring at the moon as it rode the skies in silver splendour. Its cool white light was serenity itself and Arlannis could feel her heartbeat return to normal. Her skin still tingled slightly where Legolas had caressed it. It had been a long time since anyone had touched her in such a tender way and it stirred memories of her early days with Haldir in Lorien.
'Arlannis,' said a familiar voice.
As though her memory had conjured his very presence, Haldir stepped from the trees into view. Arlannis stepped back involuntarily.
'Haldir,' she stammered, utterly discomfited by his sudden appearance, 'I am sorry, I did not know you were here. I will leave you in peace.' Arlannis turned to go but Haldir spoke quickly.
'I sought you out with intent, Arlannis,' he said, 'I wish to speak with you.'
Arlannis closed her eyes momentarily as she struggled to keep her composure and only turned back to him when she knew her face would not betray her thoughts.
'What do you wish to speak of?' she asked coolly.
Haldir swallowed and looked at the ground, the trees, anywhere but at her and seemed to struggle for words until eventually he said, 'Do you remember the last time we spoke?'
Arlannis nodded once quickly, unwilling to dwell on the memory of her tears and pleading.
'I do,' she answered icily, 'is there something you wish to add?'
Her reward was to watch Haldir's face colour and his failure to hold her gaze.
'No I have nothing to add, Arlannis,' he said in a low voice, 'but there is something I would have you know.'
He looked directly into her eyes and Arlannis could not stop a shiver of the old empathy course through her very soul. She let herself drift into their depths and floated there silently, dreaming. Moments she had half forgotten seemed as bright as the day they first came to pass. She was not sure, but it seemed Haldir was re-living those same memories. His eyes were speaking to her in the shared language of the soul just as they had done in days gone by. The past was alive once more but with it came the pain…
Abruptly, Arlannis flinched away from Haldir, shocked at how close she had drawn to him in her moment of reverie.
Haldir put his hand to her face to draw her back but Arlannis recoiled from him violently. She backed away and stumbled, all semblance of composure gone. Her mind whirled, was it that easy for the memories to overwhelm her?
'Arlannis,' Haldir cried urgently, 'please don't leave. I want you to know that I was mistaken that day. I committed a sin of pride, the fault was mine.'
Arlannis froze as he continued, his voice penetrating her heart, 'I loved you, Arlannis, more than I had ever loved before. My pride would not allow me to keep you close, but I have learned! And learned bitterly that pride does not fill an empty heart or comfort a barren soul. I love you still…'
'Stop!' Arlannis cried, 'I cannot hear this, Haldir. I cannot hear this!' Her hands were clasping her head as if to ward off his words. 'Once' she continued, 'oh once, I would have given anything to hear you speak thusly, but no more! I have suffered beyond the telling of it since that day and I am changed utterly. I am not the same woman you betrayed.'
Twenty years of silence and loneliness welled up inside and Arlannis thought she would choke upon the bitterness of it. To think that he would dare to speak to her thus and set at naught the pain she had endured on his account. She had been shamed before all elvenkind, forced to abandon all hope of ever finding love amongst her father's people. Wounded and aching, she had closed herself off from every being that offered her kindness and consigned herself to a life of solitary service in the Dunedain. Her once open heart had been shuttered forever. And all to atone for the misdeed she had been driven to by Haldir and his fellow elves. Her banishment had been to spare his family any further dealings with her and leave Haldir free to choose a more suitable bride. She cringed inwardly as she recalled her worry about embarrassing him with her presence in Lorien!
And now he dared profess love for her! She looked up at him then with eyes blazing and Haldir felt hope die in his heart. Arlannis was right, she was no longer the ingenuous elf maiden who had fallen in love with him. Before him stood a Ranger, tall in stature, confident in bearing and burning with a most un-Elvish fury.
'You love me still? You dare say this to me? You are the one who made me feel unworthy of love,' Arlannis spat bitterly, 'my father saved the life I wanted to end, but no one could save my heart, Haldir. Keep your love! For it is cruel and I no longer crave it!'
Haldir looked anguished at her outburst but extended his hands to her in supplication. 'I did not realise the extent of your suffering,' he tried, 'when the news reached me, I wanted to come to you and never leave again. I had seen you in the forest many times, wandering and lonely. My heart ached for you and I would have come to you…'
'Why didn't you?' interrupted Arlannis.
'I tried, but the others,' murmured Haldir, lost in the past, 'they told me that you were sick of mind, they told me that I had made the right choice in abandoning you.'
Arlannis nodded, unsurprised at the counsel he had received.
'And you listened to them,' she stated quietly, her voice shaking, 'while I lay in despair, wishing for death and hoping for sight of you.'
Haldir flinched but met her steady gaze. 'The choice I made was one of pride and I have regretted it ever since,' he answered with tears standing in his eyes.
'So have we both,' said Arlannis sadly, but steadily, 'but the world moves on. Wounds heal, hearts change and nothing can be as it was before. Don't weep, Haldir, for all tears are worthless.'
She turned then and left him in the glade, staring hopelessly after her.
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