A/N: Konnichiwa!! I forgot to put in that I'd specifically like to thank French Fille for last chapter, as the review she left me gave me many great ideas!! And just so you know, MILD LEMON WARNING!!!! DO NOT READ THE FIRST PAGE or so OF ITALICS if you DON'T LIKE YAOI LEMON. Other than that, enjoy!!
DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, Clow, Yue, and Keroberos are not mine. Though I am the proud owner of the mansion, Tristan, and my Nikki. Hehehe...
To clarify: //Yue's thoughts//
~Clow's thoughts~
{Tristan's thoughts/telepathy}
[Nickoli's thoughts]
*~ Flashback~*
That got a bit messed up last chapter, some words within slashes aren't Yue's thoughts, but Kero's.
Chapter 17~Lightning Strikes
*~ The cold night air couldn't reach them within the warm, comfortable room. The candles that were lit cast a gentle glow over the room, but left much of it in dimness. Yue's breath couldn't come fast enough, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he moaned softly, lying on his back on the soft pillows of his bed. Nickoli, positioned on top of him, and licked a warm trail over the angel's neck, hands buried in the silvery strands of woven moonlight. Yue gripped the dark one's hips as they moved in unison, an instinctual passion rising in both as their bodies reached for that nearly attainable peak. Sweat-slicked skin moved against each other with virtually no friction, but causing a heat between the two that felt as though flames were licking against them. Nickoli drowned himself in his lover's moans as one would a sea of boundless ecstasy, wanting to make Yue feel as he was and understand what the other was experiencing as well.
After one particularly hard motion, the midnight eyed creation threw his head back with an impassioned moan. Slowly he let his head down again, pressing his forehead against Yue's. The silver haired Adonis beneath him chuckled softly, leaning his head up and kissing his less in-control lover gently.
"For one so much more experienced, you act like it's your first time every time-"
"Nggh, s-stop teasing me..."
Yue bit his lip gently, pulling a whimper from the younger man. "You can never control yourself, can you?"
It was Nickoli's turn to smile. Almost incoherently, he mumbled, "Why would I want to?"
Yue was a bit surprised at this answer. "Because," he responded automatically, "Don't you want to remember everything clearly? Don't you need to think through what you do?"
Shivering, Nickoli answered with the remains of his logic, "Some of the best actions are made purely out of initial instinct, not thought. I don't need to record everything and classify it as you do. I remember feelings, sensations, this..." He ran his tongue across his lover's bottom lip, savoring the taste before continuing, "...More vividly than any specified event... I feel this again when I dream of you..."
All Yue could do was stare at him with wide eyes. //How can one so strong be so willing to let everything go? He loses himself in the smallest sensation... the epitome of a hedonist. Every time, he abandons his whole self to me, even if he's supposedly in control, as if it's all he knows how to do. But it's almost frightening... to be so careless of one's self solely for the sake of pleasure, as if he's leaving himself vulnerable... But I envy him, somehow... He acts so strong on the outside, cool and completely in control, but then, to see him like this is just an amazing transformation. Heated, fervent, passionate... Always so passionate, always, mine...// Yue gasped as he felt himself draw closer to their end, wanting to voice the sentiment of his thoughts. "Nikki, I-"
Nickoli chuckled, sounding almost normal but for the rough edge to his voice. "I know."
"Then you know I-"
He laughed softly again, stating reassuringly, "Yue, I said I know..." He moaned, moving his hands from Yue's hair to his shoulders even as the moon angel gripped his hips harder, "I love you, mon ange..."
"I-I- mmnn... I love you-oh..." ~*
+ + +
"YUE!!" Clow lunged forward, but there wasn't a chance in hell he could make it in time. Images of the impact swirled in his mind, totally incapacitating him and making any concentration needed for a spell impossible. It was happening too fast; all he could do was stand there and watch the being he loved be annihilated. Still, he tried to move forward, but found himself beaten in the motion.
Keroberos was in front of his master, so even if he had been closer, the lion wouldn't have let him by first. Kero ran toward his brother, but also tried to make sure Clow stayed back. As always, his first instinct was to protect his master, even though he was trying frantically to get to Yue. If only the angel hadn't moved so far forward to attack Tristan and see Nickoli. That's when Keroberos remember the other being, Nickoli, and saw a flash of black, a blur of motion.
Yue saw the energy barreling towards him, and knew there was nothing he could do in time to dodge it. In his mind time seemed to slow, but his body still wouldn't move as fast as he wished it too. He knew it would hit him, and he knew there was no way to avoid it. Until, from his side, arms wrapped around him and he was thrown to the ground with someone else's weight on top of him and holding him tightly, covered. The moon guardian had seen the positioning of the blast though, and knew some of it had to have harmed his savior. His eyes had automatically closed when the electricity had grown too close, and too bright. He kept his eyes shut for a moment, coughing from the impact on the ground and assessing his injuries. Somehow though, the arms around him felt comfortable, familiar, and strong. He said the first name that came to his mind.
"Clow?"
The person holding him, who had been about to take his arm and help him up, jerked away. The room was utterly silent as Yue slowly opened his eyes.
And found Nickoli standing above him, the deepest form of pain and shock written on his features.
Yue's hand reflexively went to his mouth and his eyes grew wide. Clow's eyebrows shot up and mouth fell open, and Kero looked back and forth from his brother, to his master, and to Nickoli. Tristan looked intrigued, curious, but mostly triumphant. Nickoli straightened, but tears formed in his eyes. He swallowed hard, looking away at Tristan and then back down, at the ground near Yue. His brows were drawn together, and expression of hurt and trauma marring his handsome face. Suddenly his countenance cleared and closed off, becoming a mask to dominate over his true emotions. He turned and started walking away, and that's when the moon angel saw his back, which was torn and bloodied from the attack meant for Clow, and then for Yue himself.
Clow took a few very sudden, and angry, steps to Nickoli, as Yue watched amazed, spun the angel around, and back handed him across the face. Tristan's face fell, and his eyes literally blackened with rage. Kero gaped; the lion found no sense in the motion, and thought it totally stupid that his master would do such a thing right after Nickoli had just saved Yue's life. Nickoli gently touched his cheek, and smiled almost wistfully. He said something to Clow in a low voice that no one else heard, and his eyes seemed to dull considerably. As Clow was about to turn back though, Nickoli suddenly spoke aloud.
"Mr. Reed," was all he said, but Clow turned back warily. Very nonchalantly, Nickoli flicked his wrist towards the mage, and tongues of black flame leapt from his fingertips. Before Clow could even move, they brushed almost delicately across his cheek. The mage recoiled, a hand springing to his face, and then slowly lowering. Closing his eyes, Clow could see through his aura what everyone else perceived with their eyes. The crescent moon. Part of Tristan's symbol. Part of Clow's symbol. Yue.
Clow stepped back in what could possibly be called fear. As Yue was about to call out Nickoli's name or say something to the other angel, he felt a power effect someone in the room and then it felt as though an electric shock had been administered to him. He cried out with his own pain as well as surprise upon realizing that the other person to be effect was Nikki. The dark angel had been thrown against a wall, violently, to clear a path to Yue. The moon angel swiftly glanced over to find Tristan lowering his outstretched arm, which re-affirmed who the attacker was. The blonde mage looked furious, and it was all directed at Yue. "If you hadn't gotten in the way, he wouldn't have been hurt! See what you do? You cause him so much pain! You're a curse to him!"
"Look who's talking!" Yue shouted uncontrollably back. Clow seemed surprised; Yue was not easily moved to such personal levels of anger, but Tristan just seemed to awaken his ire all too simply. Yue lifted himself from the cold, tile floor and ran to Nickoli, who had fallen, slouched against the wall.
The crimson in his hair wasn't all natural anymore; some of it was his own blood trickling slowly from his scalp. Apparently Tristan's efforts to get him out of the way were a little too harsh; Nickoli had whacked his head pretty hard against the wall behind him. He groaned and tried to lean forward to get pressure off his back, but that only made him dizzy. Yue knelt down in front of him and reached out to steady the younger man.
"Nikki-"
Viciously, Nickoli smacked his hand away. "Don't," he hissed, grabbing Yue's wrist and pulling him in closer. Nickoli's lips brushed Yue's ear as he whispered harshly, "You need not be concerned; I promise you, three days from now I will be no more and you may have you magician. That I swear."
Nickoli pushed him away, standing slowly and stumbling his way towards Tristan. Yue sat there, tears slowly falling from his eyes. //He... he what? What does he mean, 'he won't be anymore'?! He's not going to...! I need to stop him, I need to say something! He's going to... I can't let him do that-! But what do I say? He won't even listen to me now... Why did I say Clow? What the hell possessed me to say Clow?! I have to say something-!//
Yue turned and began to stand, just as Nickoli reached Tristan. The dark angel leaned heavily against the rather surprised blonde. Wearily, Nickoli said, "Send them away, please. I'm tired. I want them gone."
Tristan raised a brow, "Them? All of them?"
"All of them. I wish to never gaze upon any of them again."
Yue's eyes widened, and he stumbled forward. Clow caught him around the waist, holding him back. The motion shocked the moon guardian, and their lion companion, and even Tristan seemed a bit surprised. Nickoli, however, didn't even flinch. He stared at Yue once, hard and penetrating, before turning away and walking toward another, smaller door at the back corner of the room.
"Please, send them away. Please, Tris?" Yue blinked. //Tris?//
The blonde mage smiled, "All right, Nick. You've made your choice?" Yue started forward again. //Nick?!//
Nickoli turned again, locking eyes with Yue for the last time. "No. Yue made it for me." Tristan nodded almost sadly.
The blonde did honestly seem to regret the outcome of things. He revealed why as Nickoli left. "I rather regret the way things progressed tonight. I would have preferred more of a fight with you, Clow Reed. I also would have liked it more if my angel chose me of his own volition. But," he smiled maliciously at Yue, "I suppose it's okay that you helped, moon guardian. Be pleased with your choice for him, because from now on all the pain he may encounter will be blood staining your hands."
Yue nearly went limp at this statement, realizing it's total truth. Had he not said Clow's name at that one moment, even if he had said nothing, Nickoli may have escaped with them. But, because of his mess up, Nickoli was condemned to a special kind of hell, and Yue had put him there. Now, Yue knew that any pain Nickoli caused or received could have been avoided through his words. But, if Nickoli had his way and kept his promise, his death would be on Yue's hands. It really was... his fault...
Yue's thoughts let up as he started to feel light-headed. He fell against Clow, who tried to hold onto him but was apparently experiencing some disorientation himself. Keroberos stumbled on his feet, crashing into Yue's legs, and the room seemed to dip. The last sight the trio saw was the most magnificent room in the house, with Tristan carefully supporting an injured Nickoli as they exited the door. Yue noticed Nickoli look back, and realized, very clearly, that there were tears on his face. The moon angel read the other's last words off his lips, "I still love you." That's when Yue realized something else; all the coldness, all the decision, everything from the moment they whispered against the wall on, an act. Everything but that promise, all the emotions, was a lie to make it easier for Yue. Everything.
Nickoli just sacrificed everything, again, to try and make it easier for him. Again.
Yue couldn't help it; before the spell took full effect, before they were expelled totally from the house, he screamed. It was wordless, but it was the expression of all the anguish and pain within him. After that, he collapsed, and the world went black.
+ + +
"So, mon ange, do you think you did the right thing?"
"... What, by choosing you and letting him live? Yes... and no."
"What are your reasons for the no, might I ask?"
"... I'll never see him again, but I'll always know he's with someone else."
"... ... ..."
"What?"
"I'm... surprisingly, I'm sorry..."
"What!"
"... I know how that feels. I lived ten years in a box, knowing you were out there, and anyone could look on you, touch you... Except me."
"Tris..."
"I don't care why, I'm just... I'm glad you stayed with me."
+ + +
Yue sat in the library, not sure what results he wanted. The allotted time had passed. Three days had come and gone, and it was now the evening of the third day, Nickoli's promised time. In so many ways, Yue knew that if the dark angel attained his aim, he would save his soul. But the more selfish part of Yue didn't want this to happen; he felt he could live only if he knew Nikki did as well. Part of him wanted his lover to stay alive, if only for the chance that they might meet again. But another part knew what was happening; Nickoli was losing himself in dark magic, losing control of himself to the insanity that Tristan bred. He didn't want the other to go through that, the torture of living years in a warped mind and distorted world. It wasn't fair. To help his love, he had to let him die, to keep his love he had to make him suffer. No matter what, Nickoli was subjected to pain. The manner and amount was all that differed. But now, now Yue was too far away. There was nothing he could do but sit in the darkened library, pinpoint on Nickoli's spiritual energy signature, and wait. It was frighteningly out of the moon guardian's hands.
Half the sun was still over the horizon, through the large windows and behind the garden. Silhouettes of trees marked the landscape as inky shadows, and nothing had any detail anymore. He knew that where Nickoli was at the moment, it was a bit later. Yue focused on his lover and suddenly felt one of those momentary connections that were so rare in magic. He felt the breeze skim over skin that was not his own, sensed the pressure of cluttered and confused thoughts that tumbled through a dying soul's mind. He felt the cold, hard blade of a sword pressed to the arms, felt the metal pierce and sink into the yielding flesh. He could almost smell the dark, thick blood rising from the wounds. He heard a low gasp, and felt the knees make hasty contact with the ground. He felt Nickoli's strength start to wane, his consciousness flicker and fade. He also felt the third cut to his throat, shallower than the ones on his wrists, but enough to speed the process.
Abruptly Yue pulled back, having become too submerged in the event. He felt his hands, balled tightly into fist pressing down on his legs, and his eyes tightly shut. Slow tears dripped down his cheeks like dew sliding down flower petals. He drew in a shuddering breath, trying to process the reality of it all. Part of the connection was still there; Yue could feel Nickoli's energy growing dimmer, and dimmer... until it abruptly went out, leaving not a trace behind.
Upon feeling this, and sensing the finality in it, Yue sobbed. Suddenly, he felt fur rub against his legs, and a large head rest in his lap. Reaching down and pressing his face against his brother's massive head, he cried softly, whispering, "He's gone, Keroberos, he's really gone." He started to feel a slight trembled run through his hands.
"My brother... I'm so sorry..." The sun guardian was not sure what he should say.
"He left me!" Yue suddenly cried out, standing and knocking his chair over as he backed away from Kero. Unbeknownst to him, Clow watched from the doorway. "He is gone, and I'll never... We can never... He left me here alone! ALONE!" The angel fell to his knees and fiercely wiped the moisture from his face. But every time he did so, more appeared. He wondered if it would ever stop, this useless, human mechanism. Kero walked softly over to him, and Yue said in a dead voice, "If you don't leave me now, I'll-"
"It's all right, brother. When you need me, I'll always be here."
Yue looked up at this sentence, and the cold detachment he'd been forming crumbled. He started to sob again, unable to stop himself. Kero turned away and exited the room, giving Clow one hard look before leaving. The mage stood and watched the kneeling angel, as Yue cursed everything and nothing, himself and someone else, as Yue raged, wept, and finally just broke. Clow watched, but couldn't move himself to do a thing.
~It is, after all, my fault. And then, all this time, I've been no better than Tristan... As he pointed out, I was manipulating Yue's reactions as much as he was doing to Nickoli. No, more, because I planted traitorous thoughts in his head from the beginning and tried to come between them without even realizing it. And what if it really is in my nature? What if I really will end up controlling him, however subtly, to gain what I want? I couldn't... I could never do that to him! If I'm honest with myself, I know one thing... I really do love you, Yue. But if Tristan's correct, which he might actually be, I'm a danger to you. He was definitely right on thing; Tristan and I could have easily been in swapped positions. We're so similar... even our styles of magic, our large accomplishments at young ages... I even understand his thought process and principles. If ever yin and yang was true, then it is now. I suspect I've found my opposing force... And it frightens me how close to home his thoughts hit me. But Yue, oh Yue, I'm so sorry... I could have prevented this, one way or another...~
As Clow stood there, Nickoli's last words to him reverberated through his mind, torturing him. The mage knew punching the midnight eyed guardian was a pointless, unjustified act, but at the moment he'd been so enraged at everyone, including himself, that he felt compelled to do something. After the blow, the lithe angel had said in the most dead, lifeless voice Clow had ever had the pain to hear: ~Thank you. He made his choice. You may have him.~ Those words still haunted him, even three days later they were almost all he could think about. More or less, it meant that Nickoli was letting Yue decide from the start, and that by saying his master's name the moon angel had made a choice to leave Nickoli. But Clow found Nickoli's assumption in this rather unfair. Yue never said he wanted to leave his lover; in fact, all his actions screamed the opposite. But still, throughout the whole ordeal, Tristan and Nickoli had appeared to be on another level from them. As if the two already knew what was to happen, in the end, as if it was all inevitable...
Clow hated the part of him that was happy. The part of him that whispered about the profit Nickoli's absence gave him. He knew that was wrong; that was the way of thinking Tristan followed, the urges he conspired with. Clow would rather the black haired youth there, and Yue happy, then this, Yue crying on the floor. But what Nickoli had said also implied that Nickoli had known of Clow's attraction to Yue the whole time, which was somehow a disturbing thought to the good mage. And why would he ever say thank you? Was it for the blow, or the knowledge that Clow would always protect Yue? Perhaps it was for both, or neither. Clow had no idea. But what he had noticed was this: while they were there, Nickoli's personality had fluctuated to such extremes that Tristan's influence was obvious. Had they freed the angel, there still would have been irreparable damage to his psyche and personal identity. Plus, he apparently had violent tendencies like his master, along with the blonde's anger and impatience, among other things. No matter what, it wouldn't have worked. The blame wasn't lessening in Clow's mind, though.
Meanwhile, as Clow stood watch over him, Yue's thoughts plagued him with guilt as well. //If I hadn't said 'Clow'... that one name might as well have been the deathblow, delivered by my own hand! If it wasn't for my mistake, he'd still be alive... there would still be hope! But now... he's really, really gone...// Yue wiped furiously at his tears. //Stupid human mechanism! The one time I allow myself to love, the one time I feel true emotion, it kills me. The one time I made a mistake, and it killed him! I swear, no being will ever enter my heart again, and I refuse to mess up ever again! For my sake, and the sake of others... this has just taught me that humanity is self-destructive in their love, and I should not follow their example. Truly adaptable creatures can evolve, change... So shall I. I have learnt to not let myself think as I human would, and to be as infallible as possible. Humans should no longer be my role models; only the cold moon in her glory in the sky shall be my teacher...//
Clow watched in amazement as Yue's tears stopped, and the emotions erased themselves from his face. He stood carefully, fixing his robes and smoothing his hair. His face lost its slightly red look that had been a result of tears, and the puffy redness of his eyes dissolved rapidly. He turned, and fixed Clow with a look that made the mage want to shiver. Yue's silvery, exotic eyes had never looked so distant, cold, indifferent, detached. His face held no emotions, only a cool calm that covered his visage like ice. It was a moon guardian who had matured ten years in a day, a being with a lump of stone instead of a heart. He offered Clow a small bow as he exited, leaving the bewildered mage to stand in the doorway of an empty room, alone.