Romeo and Juliet
**
NoV: Welcome back to our lovely little play.
Ah Kum: (angrily) Hello.
NoV: Oh, yes, Ah Kum is here.
Martina: (looks back and forth from Bishounen to Ah Kum, begins to wail) YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS!! (runs away) I'll never love again!!
Bishounen: (Scratches his head) Oh well.
Ah Kum: I hope you know that your are forbidden to see that woman again.
Xelloss: (mockingly) Yes, mom.
Ah Kum: (death glare)
Xelloss: (backs away) Um..sorry, Miss!
NoV: Let's start this scene right away. You should like it, Xelloss. Phibby and Gourry get to make fun of Filia.
Filia: WHAT!
Xelloss: Hey! Why don't I get to make fun of her too??
NoV: I only want Phibby and Gourry for this opening scene.
Phibby: Yay!
Sylphiel: (lightly pokes Gourry) Gourry-dear, you're on!
Gourry: Zzzzzz..
NoV: (grabs a megaphone) GOURRY!!
Gourry: (covers his ears) AAAAAHHH!!
NoV: Stage.
Gourry: (yawns) Oh-kay. (walks toward the stage)
NoV: And Phibby?
Phibby: (freezes in mid-step) Yes?
NoV: Don't say everything backwards this time.
Phibby: Gotcha!
(on-stage)
Phibby: I like chicken.
Gourry: Huh?
Phibby: Who're you?
Gourry: My name's Gourry!
NoV: ..why me?
Phibby: Tybalt is challenging me!
Gourry: Who's Tybalt?
Phibby: Gaav.
Gourry: Gaav is Tybalt? I thought Gaav was Gaav.
Phibby: Yes, but Gaav is playing the part of Tybalt.
Gourry: Oh, cool!
Phibby: Back to the subject, Tybalt is the prince of cats!
Gourry: He was in Cats, too?
Phibby: -.-0 No. O! he's courageous. I think I'm in love.
(back-stage)
Gaav: Ew.
NoV: Lina? Can't you convince L-sama to make them say their lines right?
Lina: Sorry, but I don't think that even She can make them behave.
NoV: (lowers head) My life, my career, my passion has been sunk.
(On-stage)
Phibby: (feels a pang of guilt for no apparent reason) Ah! The immortal passado! The punto reverso! The hay!
Gourry: The what?
NoV: (blink) Even Gourry got it right. A miracle!!
Phibby: The pox of such antick, lisping, affecting fantasticoes, these new tuners of accents! O, their bons, their bons!
Xelloss: (goes on-stage)
Gourry: Hi Xelloss!
(back-stage)
NoV: I knew it couldn't last. Maybe Phibby will keep in line, at least.
Lina: Don't expect miracles to reoccur, especially not with Gourry.
Sylphiel: But, Lina!! My Gourry-dear is the most wonderful actor in the universe!!
Lina: Please, don't start preaching about Justice.
Amelia: Justice??
Lina: Go back to sleep.
Amelia: (pouts) Oh-kay.
(on-stage)
Phibby: Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified! ..fishified?
Gourry: Fish??
Phibby: Signior Romeo, bon jour! There's a French salutation to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.
Xelloss: Good-morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
Phibby: The slip, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?
Xelloss: ...well, last I checked...
Phibby: -.- That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams. The hams? Bow in the hams??
Gourry: I like ham.
Xelloss: Meaning-to curtsy.
Phibby: Thou has most kindly hit it.
Xelloss: A most courteous expression.
Phibby: Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
Xelloss: Pink for flower.
Phibby: ...I have a question, Miss NoV!
NoV: (sarcasm) Yes, Phibby.
Phibby: Is Romeo gay?
NoV: No.
Phibby: Just wondering.
Xelloss: Why, then, is my pump well flowered. Oh my goodness, this is a nasty play.
Phibby: Well said; follow me this jest now till thou hast worn out the pump, that, when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may remain after the wearing sole singular.
Xelloss: O single-soled jest! Solely singular for the singleness.
Gourry: ..I'm getting confused.
Phibby: Come between us, good Benvolio; my wit faints.
Xelloss: Switch and spurs, switch and spurs; or I'll cry a match.
Phibby: Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five. Was I with you there for the goose?
(back-stage)
Ah Kum: (glares at Bishounen)
Bishounen: (weak smile) I told her I was married. Honestly, I did.
Milgasia: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Lina: GO AWAY!!!!
Milgasia: (turns to Gaav) Why did the chicken cross the road?
Gaav: TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!!!! BEGONE!!
Rezo: (staggers out of the intensive care room) Did I miss anything?
NoV: You haven't missed your part, if that's what you mean.
Rezo: Where's Kopii?
NoV: Unconscious.
Rezo: Muahaha. I can use this to my advantage! I shall go and practice my lines! Say, do you have a copy of the script that's in Braille?
NoV: No.
Rezo: Drat.
(on-stage)
Xelloss: Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast not here for the goose.
Gourry: Why are we talking about gooses? ..goosells..goosi...
Phibby&Xelloss: Geese.
Gourry: No thanx, I just ate.
Phibby: -.-0 I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
Xelloss: Nay, good goose, bite not.
Gourry: Is Phibby the goose?
Phibby: I AM NOT A GOOSE!!
Xelloss: Why ARE we talking about geese?
Phibby: Who knows? Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.
Xelloss: And is it not then well served in to a sweet goose?
Phibby: (Sigh) O! here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow to an ell broad.
Xelloss: I stretch it out for that word "broad"; which added to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.
Phibby: Can we stop with the geese already?
Gourry: Yes, please.
Phibby: Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.
Xelloss: The hair?
Gourry: What hair?
(back-stage)
NoV: Get ready Filia and...Peter? Bishounen! I need you to play Peter!
Bishounen: I don't wanna.
NoV: You'll do it or-
Ah Kum: YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING, SO NYAH! :p
NoV: I need SOMEONE to do it!
Ah Kum: I'll do it. (tosses her hair)
Filia: Such strange people. (rolls her eyes) Mommy has to go now, Val-Val, but she'll be right back, she will.
Valgaav: My life is heck.
Filia: Ready, AK?
Ah Kum: Don't call me that. But, yes, I'm ready.
(on-stage)
Xelloss: Here's goodly gear!
Phibby: A sail, a sail!
Gourry: She's really fat...
Filia: (looks at the giant, padded dress she's wearing) Ooohh..you'll pay for that. Peter!
Ah Kum: Anon!
Filia: My fan, Peter.
Phibby: Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the fairer face.
Filia: (growling) God ye good morrow, GENTLEMEN.
Phibby: God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.
Filia: Is it good den?
Phibby: Yes, it is. Den we'll go to da den and get da truck and go to da door.
Filia: Out upon you! What a man are you!
Xelloss: One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.
Filia: Namagomi. Where's Romeo?
Xelloss: Duh.
Filia: (getting angrier) You say well.
Phibby: Yea! Is the worst well? Very well took, I' faith; wisely, wisely.
Filia: If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.
Gourry: She's hungry.
Filia: (Tail pops out of the giant dress)
Phibby: A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!
Xelloss: What hast thou found?
Phibby: No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is something stale and hoar ere it spent. An old hare hoar, and an old hare hoar, is very good meat in Lent: but a hare that is hoar, is to much for a score, when it hoars ere it be spent. Romeo, will you come to your father's? we'll to dinner thither.
Xelloss: I will follow you.
Phibby: Farewell, ancient lady; farewell!
(Phibby and Gourry leave)
Filia: (glares ice at Xelloss) Marry, farewell! I pray you, SIR, what saucy merchant was this, that was so full of his ropery?
Xelloss: A gentleman, fat, obnoxious nurse, that loves to hear himself talk, and will speak more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.
Filia: I hate you.
Xelloss: (Teasingly) I hate you more!!
Filia: An a' speak anything against me, I'll take him down. And thou must stand by too, and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure!
Ah Kum: Um..ew. I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had, my weapon should quickly have been out.
Filia: Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part of me quivers-(adds darkly) with anger.
Xelloss: Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I protest unto thee,--
Filia: Good heart! And I' faith, I will tell her as much. Lord, Lord! She will be a joyful woman.
Xelloss: What wilt thou tell her, nurse? Thou dost not mark me.
Filia: I will tell her, namagomi, that you do protest; which, as I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.
Xelloss: Bid her devise some means to come to shrift this afternoon; and there she shall at Friar Laurence's cell be shriv'd and married. Here is for thy pains.
Filia: No, truly, sir; not a penny.
Xelloss: Go to; I say, you shall.
(back-stage)
NoV: (kicks back) Things are finally going my way.
Lina: Wonder how long it'll last?
NoV: Until Xelloss provokes Filia into blasting a hole in the roof.
Lina: That's a good way to put it.
(on-stage)
Filia: This afternoon, sir? Well, she shall be there.
Xelloss: And stay, good nurse; behind the abbey wall. Farewell! Be trusty and I'll quit thy pains. Farewell! Commend me to thy mistress.
Filia: Now L-sama condemn thee.
Xelloss: ..that's not in the script, Fi-chan.
Filia: DON'T CALL ME THAT!! (tries to whack him with her mace)
Xelloss: (dodges) I warrant thee my man's as true as steel. (Thinks) This is a sad, twisted play.
Filia: Well, sir; my mistress (Swings at him) is the sweetest lady! (misses) Doth not rosemary and Romeo both begin with a letter? (tries to whack him on the head)
Xelloss: (dodge) Ay, nurse: what of that? both with an R.
Filia: Ah! Mocker; that's the dog's name. You are the dog. (whaps Xelloss' toe)
Xelloss: Ow!! My nonexistent TOE!! (Stumbles away) Commend me to thy lady.
Filia: Ay, a thousand times. (Smirk) Peter!
Ah Kum: Anon.
Filia: Before, and apace.
(all three leave)
Xelloss: My poor, poor toe.
Filia: I only wish it had been your fat head.
NoV: That's a wrap. Tune in next time.
**
NoV: Welcome back to our lovely little play.
Ah Kum: (angrily) Hello.
NoV: Oh, yes, Ah Kum is here.
Martina: (looks back and forth from Bishounen to Ah Kum, begins to wail) YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS!! (runs away) I'll never love again!!
Bishounen: (Scratches his head) Oh well.
Ah Kum: I hope you know that your are forbidden to see that woman again.
Xelloss: (mockingly) Yes, mom.
Ah Kum: (death glare)
Xelloss: (backs away) Um..sorry, Miss!
NoV: Let's start this scene right away. You should like it, Xelloss. Phibby and Gourry get to make fun of Filia.
Filia: WHAT!
Xelloss: Hey! Why don't I get to make fun of her too??
NoV: I only want Phibby and Gourry for this opening scene.
Phibby: Yay!
Sylphiel: (lightly pokes Gourry) Gourry-dear, you're on!
Gourry: Zzzzzz..
NoV: (grabs a megaphone) GOURRY!!
Gourry: (covers his ears) AAAAAHHH!!
NoV: Stage.
Gourry: (yawns) Oh-kay. (walks toward the stage)
NoV: And Phibby?
Phibby: (freezes in mid-step) Yes?
NoV: Don't say everything backwards this time.
Phibby: Gotcha!
(on-stage)
Phibby: I like chicken.
Gourry: Huh?
Phibby: Who're you?
Gourry: My name's Gourry!
NoV: ..why me?
Phibby: Tybalt is challenging me!
Gourry: Who's Tybalt?
Phibby: Gaav.
Gourry: Gaav is Tybalt? I thought Gaav was Gaav.
Phibby: Yes, but Gaav is playing the part of Tybalt.
Gourry: Oh, cool!
Phibby: Back to the subject, Tybalt is the prince of cats!
Gourry: He was in Cats, too?
Phibby: -.-0 No. O! he's courageous. I think I'm in love.
(back-stage)
Gaav: Ew.
NoV: Lina? Can't you convince L-sama to make them say their lines right?
Lina: Sorry, but I don't think that even She can make them behave.
NoV: (lowers head) My life, my career, my passion has been sunk.
(On-stage)
Phibby: (feels a pang of guilt for no apparent reason) Ah! The immortal passado! The punto reverso! The hay!
Gourry: The what?
NoV: (blink) Even Gourry got it right. A miracle!!
Phibby: The pox of such antick, lisping, affecting fantasticoes, these new tuners of accents! O, their bons, their bons!
Xelloss: (goes on-stage)
Gourry: Hi Xelloss!
(back-stage)
NoV: I knew it couldn't last. Maybe Phibby will keep in line, at least.
Lina: Don't expect miracles to reoccur, especially not with Gourry.
Sylphiel: But, Lina!! My Gourry-dear is the most wonderful actor in the universe!!
Lina: Please, don't start preaching about Justice.
Amelia: Justice??
Lina: Go back to sleep.
Amelia: (pouts) Oh-kay.
(on-stage)
Phibby: Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified! ..fishified?
Gourry: Fish??
Phibby: Signior Romeo, bon jour! There's a French salutation to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.
Xelloss: Good-morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
Phibby: The slip, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?
Xelloss: ...well, last I checked...
Phibby: -.- That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams. The hams? Bow in the hams??
Gourry: I like ham.
Xelloss: Meaning-to curtsy.
Phibby: Thou has most kindly hit it.
Xelloss: A most courteous expression.
Phibby: Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
Xelloss: Pink for flower.
Phibby: ...I have a question, Miss NoV!
NoV: (sarcasm) Yes, Phibby.
Phibby: Is Romeo gay?
NoV: No.
Phibby: Just wondering.
Xelloss: Why, then, is my pump well flowered. Oh my goodness, this is a nasty play.
Phibby: Well said; follow me this jest now till thou hast worn out the pump, that, when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may remain after the wearing sole singular.
Xelloss: O single-soled jest! Solely singular for the singleness.
Gourry: ..I'm getting confused.
Phibby: Come between us, good Benvolio; my wit faints.
Xelloss: Switch and spurs, switch and spurs; or I'll cry a match.
Phibby: Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five. Was I with you there for the goose?
(back-stage)
Ah Kum: (glares at Bishounen)
Bishounen: (weak smile) I told her I was married. Honestly, I did.
Milgasia: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Lina: GO AWAY!!!!
Milgasia: (turns to Gaav) Why did the chicken cross the road?
Gaav: TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!!!! BEGONE!!
Rezo: (staggers out of the intensive care room) Did I miss anything?
NoV: You haven't missed your part, if that's what you mean.
Rezo: Where's Kopii?
NoV: Unconscious.
Rezo: Muahaha. I can use this to my advantage! I shall go and practice my lines! Say, do you have a copy of the script that's in Braille?
NoV: No.
Rezo: Drat.
(on-stage)
Xelloss: Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast not here for the goose.
Gourry: Why are we talking about gooses? ..goosells..goosi...
Phibby&Xelloss: Geese.
Gourry: No thanx, I just ate.
Phibby: -.-0 I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
Xelloss: Nay, good goose, bite not.
Gourry: Is Phibby the goose?
Phibby: I AM NOT A GOOSE!!
Xelloss: Why ARE we talking about geese?
Phibby: Who knows? Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.
Xelloss: And is it not then well served in to a sweet goose?
Phibby: (Sigh) O! here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow to an ell broad.
Xelloss: I stretch it out for that word "broad"; which added to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.
Phibby: Can we stop with the geese already?
Gourry: Yes, please.
Phibby: Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.
Xelloss: The hair?
Gourry: What hair?
(back-stage)
NoV: Get ready Filia and...Peter? Bishounen! I need you to play Peter!
Bishounen: I don't wanna.
NoV: You'll do it or-
Ah Kum: YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING, SO NYAH! :p
NoV: I need SOMEONE to do it!
Ah Kum: I'll do it. (tosses her hair)
Filia: Such strange people. (rolls her eyes) Mommy has to go now, Val-Val, but she'll be right back, she will.
Valgaav: My life is heck.
Filia: Ready, AK?
Ah Kum: Don't call me that. But, yes, I'm ready.
(on-stage)
Xelloss: Here's goodly gear!
Phibby: A sail, a sail!
Gourry: She's really fat...
Filia: (looks at the giant, padded dress she's wearing) Ooohh..you'll pay for that. Peter!
Ah Kum: Anon!
Filia: My fan, Peter.
Phibby: Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the fairer face.
Filia: (growling) God ye good morrow, GENTLEMEN.
Phibby: God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.
Filia: Is it good den?
Phibby: Yes, it is. Den we'll go to da den and get da truck and go to da door.
Filia: Out upon you! What a man are you!
Xelloss: One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.
Filia: Namagomi. Where's Romeo?
Xelloss: Duh.
Filia: (getting angrier) You say well.
Phibby: Yea! Is the worst well? Very well took, I' faith; wisely, wisely.
Filia: If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.
Gourry: She's hungry.
Filia: (Tail pops out of the giant dress)
Phibby: A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!
Xelloss: What hast thou found?
Phibby: No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is something stale and hoar ere it spent. An old hare hoar, and an old hare hoar, is very good meat in Lent: but a hare that is hoar, is to much for a score, when it hoars ere it be spent. Romeo, will you come to your father's? we'll to dinner thither.
Xelloss: I will follow you.
Phibby: Farewell, ancient lady; farewell!
(Phibby and Gourry leave)
Filia: (glares ice at Xelloss) Marry, farewell! I pray you, SIR, what saucy merchant was this, that was so full of his ropery?
Xelloss: A gentleman, fat, obnoxious nurse, that loves to hear himself talk, and will speak more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.
Filia: I hate you.
Xelloss: (Teasingly) I hate you more!!
Filia: An a' speak anything against me, I'll take him down. And thou must stand by too, and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure!
Ah Kum: Um..ew. I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had, my weapon should quickly have been out.
Filia: Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part of me quivers-(adds darkly) with anger.
Xelloss: Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I protest unto thee,--
Filia: Good heart! And I' faith, I will tell her as much. Lord, Lord! She will be a joyful woman.
Xelloss: What wilt thou tell her, nurse? Thou dost not mark me.
Filia: I will tell her, namagomi, that you do protest; which, as I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.
Xelloss: Bid her devise some means to come to shrift this afternoon; and there she shall at Friar Laurence's cell be shriv'd and married. Here is for thy pains.
Filia: No, truly, sir; not a penny.
Xelloss: Go to; I say, you shall.
(back-stage)
NoV: (kicks back) Things are finally going my way.
Lina: Wonder how long it'll last?
NoV: Until Xelloss provokes Filia into blasting a hole in the roof.
Lina: That's a good way to put it.
(on-stage)
Filia: This afternoon, sir? Well, she shall be there.
Xelloss: And stay, good nurse; behind the abbey wall. Farewell! Be trusty and I'll quit thy pains. Farewell! Commend me to thy mistress.
Filia: Now L-sama condemn thee.
Xelloss: ..that's not in the script, Fi-chan.
Filia: DON'T CALL ME THAT!! (tries to whack him with her mace)
Xelloss: (dodges) I warrant thee my man's as true as steel. (Thinks) This is a sad, twisted play.
Filia: Well, sir; my mistress (Swings at him) is the sweetest lady! (misses) Doth not rosemary and Romeo both begin with a letter? (tries to whack him on the head)
Xelloss: (dodge) Ay, nurse: what of that? both with an R.
Filia: Ah! Mocker; that's the dog's name. You are the dog. (whaps Xelloss' toe)
Xelloss: Ow!! My nonexistent TOE!! (Stumbles away) Commend me to thy lady.
Filia: Ay, a thousand times. (Smirk) Peter!
Ah Kum: Anon.
Filia: Before, and apace.
(all three leave)
Xelloss: My poor, poor toe.
Filia: I only wish it had been your fat head.
NoV: That's a wrap. Tune in next time.