When she got near to the house she saw a figure sitting on the front porch
waiting for her, she smiled and sat down next to Xander who carried on
pretending that it wasn't Buffy who he'd been waiting for.
"So Buff, The new Wicca, what do you think?"
Buffy thought for a moment clasping her hands together and said,
"I think she's going to be amazing, she really is going to succeed."
Grinning she continued saying,
"I think Willow's going to have a new pet, I mean did you read the transcripts from her last school? It's Willow ten years ago."
"Guess it's good she's here then"
Xander said keeping her face straight.
"How you Buffy, Honestly now? You're not happy are you?"
Buffy looked up a moment shocked for two reasons, firstly by the seriousness of Xander's tone and secondly because since Anya had died Xander hadn't really been that open about emotions, he was still Xander but he was never the same. She thought for a moment before saying,
"I'm as happy here as I would be any where else."
Xander looked at her a moment and said,
"That's not what I asked you Buff, I asked if you're happy."
Buffy leaned on Xander's shoulder and said,
"Honestly? I don't know. I love you guys so much you're my family and wherever you lot are I'm going to be there and I'm going to be happy. I'm glad that I've got you it's because of all of you that I've been able to watch Dawnie grow up into the amazing young woman I knew that she'd be. But I feel like I'm empty, like I'm ghost. I don't belong here, but I don't think I belong anywhere else either. I didn't love him like I should've when he was there for me but I love him so much now it's killing me."
She was crying now and Xander moved his arms round Buffy's form and pulled her closer to him in an attempt to comfort her.
"Buff, you don't need to be strong for us any more, we're all grown up and we can take care of ourselves. The thing you need to do is thinking about what you want to do. Don't think what's best for all of us because you've been doing that for so long. You need to decide what you want to do and know that we're going to help you ever step of the way."
"Are you telling me to leave?"
Buffy asked pulling away from Xander embrace,
"No, I'm not telling you to do anything. Willow found a spell today; it's a spell that will take you to where you're heart lies. She's not sure exactly what will happen, but if you want she's willing to try it for you. She's no idea what will happen to you; the spell is in an ancient language that she and Giles have never really seen before. If you truly love Spike then that's where you'll go."
Buffy looked into Xander eyes and said,
"How?"
Xander looked at the stars and said,
"It's in one of the old books from Giles' home in Bath, he only got the day before yesterday. Willow was sorting through them and found the spell."
Buffy didn't know what to say,
"We'll understand if you want to try or if you don't. I'm going to try though."
Her eyes met his and she said,
"Anya?"
He looked at her the tears were welling in his eyes,
"She's my everything, I love her so much and I don't think she knew that. Do you have any idea how horrible that makes me feel? The woman I loved died protecting someone else without knowing how much I loved her. I hate that I hate this. I love you guys so much but I need to try this to see whether I can be with her, I'm willing to risk it to see if she's ok, to be with her."
Buffy grabbed his hand and said,
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I've been so caught up in my own pain that I haven't seen yours..."
Xander started to interrupt her but she continued saying,
"No you've got to let me do this. You've always been there for me when I've needed you, God Xander you brought me back to life twice! When mom died you helped me so much, you've never liked my partners but you've supported me through everything and I should have been a much better friend then I have. But I want you to know that I love you so much and although I don't always show it, you mean everything to me."
Xander pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair, which she'd grown longer over the last couple of years. He wished so many things had happened differently, wished he could change so many things about his life. But in all his wishes he knew there were three things, which he would never change. Loving Anya. Loving Willow and Buffy. And surprisingly Loving Cordelia, because if he'd never loved her and made the mistakes he did with Willow then he would never have met Anya and that would be the worse possible thing he could imagine.
The last couple of years had been so hard for him without her, he missed her every second he breathed. He woke up in the morning and reached for her but she wasn't there. He saw things in shops while he was out thinking what she would have liked sometimes in the beginning he had even found himself standing in cues clutching clothes, flowers books anything really that he had seen that she would like.
He had only a few things of hers left now, the bag she had packed and placed on the school bus contained all of her greatest treasures, the first dollar she ever made when working for Giles which she had had framed, now hung on his bedroom wall. Pictures of the two of them together littered every available place in his room. He sprayed her perfume on his pillow so that in his sleep he could imagine she was lying there with him. He knew it was sad and that he should just move on but he couldn't. That's why when Willow had told him earlier that night about the spell she had found he knew that he had to try it because he couldn't think of anything worse than how he felt now.
He still had his family but they were moving on. Willow still loved Tara as much as she had when she had been alive but now she had been in love with someone else for about eighteen months, Kennedy was long gone. Now she was with a beautiful Wicca named Paige. They were perfect for each other. Giles had found someone new, he was engaged to the Demonic History teacher Maya Lin, and they had a small daughter called Amber and were happy. He didn't begrudge their happiness, he just didn't feel part of it like he used to. Even Faith Had someone, she had fallen head over heels for a local baker called Tim, who surprisingly enough had been a normal everyday kind of guy the two of them had got married six months ago and were expecting their first child in two weeks time, a little girl who they were going to name Emma.
That's why he could understand the way that Buffy felt, in some ways though he felt jealous of her, jealous that she had somewhere where she could go to talk to spike. Anya's body was now about a 100ft below sea level with the rest Sunnydale. She hadn't even had a proper funeral.
Buffy through his thoughts saying,
"I think I'm going to try."
Xander kissed her and said,
"Me too."
"So Buff, The new Wicca, what do you think?"
Buffy thought for a moment clasping her hands together and said,
"I think she's going to be amazing, she really is going to succeed."
Grinning she continued saying,
"I think Willow's going to have a new pet, I mean did you read the transcripts from her last school? It's Willow ten years ago."
"Guess it's good she's here then"
Xander said keeping her face straight.
"How you Buffy, Honestly now? You're not happy are you?"
Buffy looked up a moment shocked for two reasons, firstly by the seriousness of Xander's tone and secondly because since Anya had died Xander hadn't really been that open about emotions, he was still Xander but he was never the same. She thought for a moment before saying,
"I'm as happy here as I would be any where else."
Xander looked at her a moment and said,
"That's not what I asked you Buff, I asked if you're happy."
Buffy leaned on Xander's shoulder and said,
"Honestly? I don't know. I love you guys so much you're my family and wherever you lot are I'm going to be there and I'm going to be happy. I'm glad that I've got you it's because of all of you that I've been able to watch Dawnie grow up into the amazing young woman I knew that she'd be. But I feel like I'm empty, like I'm ghost. I don't belong here, but I don't think I belong anywhere else either. I didn't love him like I should've when he was there for me but I love him so much now it's killing me."
She was crying now and Xander moved his arms round Buffy's form and pulled her closer to him in an attempt to comfort her.
"Buff, you don't need to be strong for us any more, we're all grown up and we can take care of ourselves. The thing you need to do is thinking about what you want to do. Don't think what's best for all of us because you've been doing that for so long. You need to decide what you want to do and know that we're going to help you ever step of the way."
"Are you telling me to leave?"
Buffy asked pulling away from Xander embrace,
"No, I'm not telling you to do anything. Willow found a spell today; it's a spell that will take you to where you're heart lies. She's not sure exactly what will happen, but if you want she's willing to try it for you. She's no idea what will happen to you; the spell is in an ancient language that she and Giles have never really seen before. If you truly love Spike then that's where you'll go."
Buffy looked into Xander eyes and said,
"How?"
Xander looked at the stars and said,
"It's in one of the old books from Giles' home in Bath, he only got the day before yesterday. Willow was sorting through them and found the spell."
Buffy didn't know what to say,
"We'll understand if you want to try or if you don't. I'm going to try though."
Her eyes met his and she said,
"Anya?"
He looked at her the tears were welling in his eyes,
"She's my everything, I love her so much and I don't think she knew that. Do you have any idea how horrible that makes me feel? The woman I loved died protecting someone else without knowing how much I loved her. I hate that I hate this. I love you guys so much but I need to try this to see whether I can be with her, I'm willing to risk it to see if she's ok, to be with her."
Buffy grabbed his hand and said,
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I've been so caught up in my own pain that I haven't seen yours..."
Xander started to interrupt her but she continued saying,
"No you've got to let me do this. You've always been there for me when I've needed you, God Xander you brought me back to life twice! When mom died you helped me so much, you've never liked my partners but you've supported me through everything and I should have been a much better friend then I have. But I want you to know that I love you so much and although I don't always show it, you mean everything to me."
Xander pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair, which she'd grown longer over the last couple of years. He wished so many things had happened differently, wished he could change so many things about his life. But in all his wishes he knew there were three things, which he would never change. Loving Anya. Loving Willow and Buffy. And surprisingly Loving Cordelia, because if he'd never loved her and made the mistakes he did with Willow then he would never have met Anya and that would be the worse possible thing he could imagine.
The last couple of years had been so hard for him without her, he missed her every second he breathed. He woke up in the morning and reached for her but she wasn't there. He saw things in shops while he was out thinking what she would have liked sometimes in the beginning he had even found himself standing in cues clutching clothes, flowers books anything really that he had seen that she would like.
He had only a few things of hers left now, the bag she had packed and placed on the school bus contained all of her greatest treasures, the first dollar she ever made when working for Giles which she had had framed, now hung on his bedroom wall. Pictures of the two of them together littered every available place in his room. He sprayed her perfume on his pillow so that in his sleep he could imagine she was lying there with him. He knew it was sad and that he should just move on but he couldn't. That's why when Willow had told him earlier that night about the spell she had found he knew that he had to try it because he couldn't think of anything worse than how he felt now.
He still had his family but they were moving on. Willow still loved Tara as much as she had when she had been alive but now she had been in love with someone else for about eighteen months, Kennedy was long gone. Now she was with a beautiful Wicca named Paige. They were perfect for each other. Giles had found someone new, he was engaged to the Demonic History teacher Maya Lin, and they had a small daughter called Amber and were happy. He didn't begrudge their happiness, he just didn't feel part of it like he used to. Even Faith Had someone, she had fallen head over heels for a local baker called Tim, who surprisingly enough had been a normal everyday kind of guy the two of them had got married six months ago and were expecting their first child in two weeks time, a little girl who they were going to name Emma.
That's why he could understand the way that Buffy felt, in some ways though he felt jealous of her, jealous that she had somewhere where she could go to talk to spike. Anya's body was now about a 100ft below sea level with the rest Sunnydale. She hadn't even had a proper funeral.
Buffy through his thoughts saying,
"I think I'm going to try."
Xander kissed her and said,
"Me too."