Author: Reborn from the Ashes
Title: The Very Short Tale of Angwen
Summary: What happens when you give your Mary Sue a ridiculous name.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Tolkien, God rest his soul, owns all.
A/N: E-cookies to anyone who knows what the heck is going on. If you don't know a whit of Sindarin then you're out of luck. Enjoy!
Two lovers were seated upon a marble bench, surrounded by the beauties of a garden terrace in Rivendell. And they were completely alone, all the privacy they could ever want...
"Oh, Angwen." Legolas voice shuddered from the sheer lust that was pumping through is veins. He clutched the maiden closer to him and gazed into her eyes. Those eyes, the beautiful eyes that no one could describe without a thesaurus the size of a three-volume novel.
"Oh, Legolas." Angwen's voice, too, was strained and she felt overpowered by Legolas' beauty and the joy of being held by him.
"Ohhhhhh, Angwen." Legolas dipped his head down, drawing ever closer to the rosebud lips that had so tempted him during the Council of Elrond and caused him to miss half of what was said.
"Ohhhhhh, Legolas." Angwen closed her eyes and tilted her head upward, the better to receive his kiss.
But this repulsive banter was interrupted by a not so discrete cough. Legolas turned his head to look behind him, but nothing was there. The terrace was still empty. When he turned back, he found he was not embracing the voluptuous and buxom elf maiden he'd been wooing only a moment before. What he was holding onto, quite awkwardly I might add, was a very large metal object.
Legolas rose and stepped back quickly, confused and fearful, and gazed at the...thing. It was roughly conical in shape, tall and bore the visage of a young woman. He circled it careful and noted a large seam running up the front, stopping just beneath the "head". On either side of the seam were handles.
Legolas glanced about, but no one was there to offer him advice. He stepped forward slowly, shaking in his boots, and reached out his hands. He grasped the handles and pulled with all his strength...
Legolas gasped at what he saw. Inside was a large cavity and its thick walls were covered in huge sharp spikes, all pointing inward.
"Oh, Angwen, where are you?" Legolas called out in grief, lifting his face to the sky. His voice echoed all throughout Rivendell, irritating the heck out of its denizens.
But poor Legolas never got a reply. And to the benefit of all, Legolas did not have to contend with his lusts while the Fellowship journeyed on their quest. For Angwen could not join them as she'd promised, she had disappeared and was never seen again.
As for the Thing, it was melted down for chamber pots.
Hehe, I'm sorry if the joke is too obscure.
'rolls around laughing'