Disclaimer: Sadly, this all belongs to a man named Josh. Oh, and Frank Sinatra (along with Billie Holiday) sang the song Just Friends. All songs quoted are by Frank Sinatra.
Feedback: Greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for the kind reviews. Last chapter seemed to confuse some of you, so let me explain. The whole chapter was a flashback to the day Marissa and Ryan broke up. Then, the part in between the -/-/-/- was a flashback to yet an earlier period of time, I guess during the whole Oliver debacle. It was just to show that everyone knew Ryan and Marissa could never be 'just friends', and something like that was said on the show.
Author's Note: This is my longest chapter yet, but it will probably be the longest chapter I have, so enjoy it while it lasts! I guess I just kept writing and writing and I had to get all of the ideas onto paper, or rather the computer screen.
You know the one I love belongs to somebody else
That's why she sings her songs to somebody else
And even when you have your arms around her
You know her thoughts are with somebody else
Marissa uninterestedly pressed the playback button on her answering machine. She had two new messages. The first one was from Jordan, asking Marissa if she wanted to go out the next day. And the second message was from a boy named Mike, who was friends with Isabel, one of her roommates. He wanted to take Marissa out as well.
She didn't see why she shouldn't. After all, she and Ryan were just friends. He hadn't seemed to care much about her date with Jordan so why shouldn't she? It wasn't as though she and Ryan were going out. Because they weren't, and could never do so again. It just wasn't going to happen, much as Marissa wanted it to. So there was no reason not to date other people. Especially when Ryan didn't want her anymore.
"Hello?" So far, so good. Mike had picked up on the second ring, a sure sign that he was waiting for her call, but not that he was too desperate that he waited with bated breath by the phone.
"Mike? It's Marissa," Marissa said, trying to sound happy, more happy than she was feeling. Mike's voice didn't make her giddy and all jumbled up inside, like Ryan's did. But then again, Mike wasn't Ryan.
"How are you, Marissa?" Mike asked. Another good sign; he was concerned about Marissa and not self-absorbed.
"Good," Marissa said, worried because she definitely hadn't convinced herself of her well-being and wasn't so sure that Mike would believe her either. Marissa knew she would be telling the truth only when she was with Ryan. And that would be impossible. Because they were just friends, and that's all Ryan ever wanted to be, since their break-up. She could learn to be 'good' with Mike, or at least try her hardest.
"Great. So did you want to go out tonight? I mean, if you're not already busy," Mike rushed anxiously.
"No," Marissa said, in response to if you're not already busy. She really wanted to say no to his first question, but in her heart knew that she had to move on, and stop believing in the impossible. "I'm free."
Mike exhaled in obvious relief. "How about I pick you up at seven? I know where you live."
"Sounds good," Marissa replied, "See you then."
She put down the phone and briefly considered calling Ryan. They could have a good laugh over I know where you live, as it totally sounded like a stalker or serial killer's words. But she couldn't. Ryan's voice was too painful for her to hear, if she did hear it the words she'd been wanting to say for so long would somehow escape her lips. And embarrass her and ruin her friendship with him. With that, any chance of getting back together with Ryan would be gone, but it wasn't like there was a chance in the first place. Still.
As Marissa began to get ready for her date with Mike, she picked up the phone and dialed Ryan's number three times. But she hastily replaced the phone in its cradle before the first ring. She couldn't ask him to come over and help her get ready. She couldn't laugh with him about Mike's weird choice of words. She couldn't tell him she loved him, and would rather be going out on a date with him.
Mike rang the doorbell just as Marissa applied a fresh coat of lip-gloss. She grabbed her purse, turned off the light in her bedroom, and opened the door.
"Hi." Mike hugged Marissa. "You look great."
"Thanks, you too." And it was true. Mike had short brown hair that was gelled at the top and looked great on him, although other guys wouldn't be able to pull it off. He had sparkling green eyes, but they didn't hold a candle to Ryan's brilliant blues.
Later, they were at the restaurant, eating spaghetti and having a good time. Well, Mike was having a good time. Marissa was trying to make conversation but her heart just wasn't in it. It was somewhere else, belonged to someone else. Ryan.
"You look really beautiful," Mike said, and took Marissa's hand in his.
"Thanks." But she would've believed it more if it had come from Ryan. Of course, it didn't, and probably never would, again.
After the date, which had included a boring, no-sparks kiss, Marissa curled up on her bed in a hooded sweatshirt and Harbor sweatpants. She picked up the phone reluctantly and dialed Jordan's number. She really didn't want to talk to him, but felt she had to at least call him back.
"Hi Jordan, it's Marissa."
"Hey. What's up? Where were you today? I called you three times."
He was too pushy. That was Jordan's first flaw. He wasn't Ryan. That was Jordan's second flaw.
"Oh, nothing really. Look, Jordan, you're really nice but I don't think it's going to work out."
"Oh." The disappointment was evident in Jordan's voice.
"I'm sorry…I guess I just realized I still had feelings for someone else." Marissa bit her lip, she hated doing this to people, but it would be even crueler to lead them on when her heart was tied to someone else's.
"Oh," Jordan said again, his voice flat and emotionless. Marissa knew he was upset though. "Maybe we can hang out sometime…as friends."
"That'd be great." Marissa knew they wouldn't actually hang out. If Jordan liked her then he wouldn't want to be 'just friends'. She wasn't stupid…at least not that stupid.
It was time to make the third phone call of the day. But, unlike the others, Marissa was pretty sure this phone call would only end up breaking her heart even more, and not his. Ryan's.
"Hey," she said, as soon as Ryan picked up. He'd picked up on the fourth ring, a sure sign that he didn't care about her, didn't love her. It was obvious. But she had to try and tell him how she felt somehow. Even if it was subtle and Ryan was guaranteed to pick up on her hints.
"Marissa?"
"Yeah, it's me. I need some advice."
"I'll be over in five minutes."
Marissa waited anxiously for Ryan to arrive at her dorm room. When the knock finally came at the door, she jumped up and ran to answer it. She opened the door and led Ryan to her bedroom.
"So?"
Marissa was quiet for a minute, thinking of how to word her feelings, without just coming out and saying how she felt about Ryan. Because he obviously didn't like her, and if he did, he'd be able to pick up on her signals.
"There's this guy…" she began, and failed to notice Ryan's jaw muscles tighten. "I like him…okay I think I love him, but I don't know if he feels the same way. And I'm afraid to tell him because I don't want to ruin what we have right now. Know what I mean?"
Ryan knew exactly what she meant.
I feel the same way about you.
But instead, he had to play the role of Marissa's best friend and help her with her guy troubles. "Well…I don't think you should tell him how you feel. If you have a good thing going right now, you don't want to ruin it, right?"
So Ryan was being a little selfish. But it hurt him that Marissa could be having such strong feelings for a guy that wasn't him. It hurt, a lot. Even though he knew they could never be again. She just didn't feel the same way about him that he felt about her. Ryan loved Marissa, but he was just her best friend now.
Marissa's heart sank. So he didn't love her, didn't realize that the guy was him. "Thanks," she said softly, feeling her heart break again. Why had she even broken up with him? She'd gone and done exactly what she didn't want to do—she'd let Ryan get away. The One. She was fairly sure that he was The One for her. But she obviously wasn't The One for him. Otherwise he wouldn't have given such cruel, heartless advice. He didn't know. And couldn't.
"I mean, if you really love him, tell him you think you're falling for him. I guess…I just want you to be happy. I don't want to see you hurt." Ryan saw the downcast look on Marissa's face when he gave his advice and felt badly. No, he didn't want Marissa loving another guy, but she looked so sad that it wasn't fair. But it wasn't fair to him either.
Marissa was thoroughly confused now. Did he love her or not? Ryan's second piece of advice seemed to suggest that he knew it was him. But he wasn't acting like it.
"You look tired. Sleep on it," Ryan suggested. He kissed the top of Marissa's head, willing himself to break away before he couldn't let her go. "Good night."
"Good night," Marissa forced herself to say. That kiss had been purely friendly. Marissa knew it was just a brotherly, best friend feel-better kiss that meant nothing more to Ryan. Or so she thought…
Ryan let himself out of the dorm room, mentally kicking himself for not saying how he felt to Marissa. After all, he'd just encouraged her to tell this guy how she felt, so he should've followed his own advice. But it was hard, especially when the one he loved, Marissa, her heart belonged to somebody else.