Satirical misadventures
Hello, and welcome to another instalment of 'Satirical misadventures', which will hopefully rid me of my writer's block, and allow me to continue with things not in the humour section. I will be blaming this whole thing on new authors, and their ineffable need to create Mary Sues. [Sniggers] Yes, I'm an elitist moo, I know, I know...
Chapter three: In which the fairy discovers she is the last hope for the continuation of the fairy race
I must say, all this travelling we're doing is really beginning to wear on the old wings. Heck, I might even have to start walking or something if things carry on like this! And then, I wouldn't have quite such a good view of dearest Legolas, who's running along in the trees by the road; he said he needed to 'let off some steam'. Personally, I believe what he really needs to do is relieve himself of those tights...
Almost as if he has heard my thoughts, he turns around to look at me adoringly, and yet in a pained way as well. For, you see, as the last woman of the fairy kind, I am destined to marry the last living member of the royal family, his royal highness, prince Menthol. So, my love for Legolas and his love for me just cannot be allowed to go on!
I turn away, unable to look upon his radiant face – the hobbits are looking weary up ahead, and, though I too am tired, I flutter forwards to fly beside them. The eyes of Boromir and Aragorn almost burn into my neck, and, I fear, so to do the eyes of Gimli. (Look, a girl has to draw the line somewhere, and the line is most definitely drawn there!)
"My dearest hobbits, are you weary?" I ask the four of them, taking special interest in exactly what Merry and Pippin are doing... "Are those...?" I flutter down so that I can walk beside them, and Merry and Pippin move so that they walk either side of me. Carefully, seemingly afeared that I will break if they are too rough, they each take one of my hands.
I just smile, and listen to their little voices. "...so, you see Dettol, these fireworks here, they'll make this big explosion right,"
"Yeah, and then they'll leave these sparkles all over the sky,"
"And they'll match your wings and your hair you see!" they finished together, voices in melodious merriment.
"And then," a voice whispered in my ear, "you will meet me beneath the moonlight, to be serenaded by the nightingale." I turned around to see who had spoken; but, the rest of the fellowship stood behind the three of us, and I had no idea whose intent it was to woo me. Blushing slightly at this thought, I turned back around, and relinquished the hands of the hobbits.
In a sudden burst of energy, I sprang back into the air, and turned cartwheels in the air. All of them watched in delight, applauding as I touched down again after my acrobatic display!
"That was amazing!" Legolas purred, leaning against a tree and posturing himself provocatively. "Most...impressive..." he finished, grinning audaciously. I felt myself pulled to him, desperate to be in his warm embrace; I wished to kiss those fair lips passionately, and for him to hold me, and...oh!
But it cannot be! I looked away from him, towards the great mountains. He advanced, reaching out to take my hands, but I withdrew them. "No, Legolas. We cannot. I...I have to do what's best for my people!" He doesn't give up, and instead cups my face.
"But what about what is best for you, my love?" Tears well up in my eyes, and I push him away.
"I'm nothing compared to a whole race!" I yell, and then I take off, flying hither and thither through the air, unsure of where exactly I'm going. Hell, I know I'll end up back with the fellowship eventually, or else the story won't continue, but, at the moment, I'm getting myself lost!
Finally, I come to rest in a small quite glade. The birds are chirping in the trees, and there is a small bubbling brook in the centre. Feeling weary and travel-worn after our day on the road, I decided that I may as well take the opportunity to bathe.
So, slipping down to my undergarments (surprisingly modern for Middle Earth, being a foxy little red bra and pantie number), I parade around the clearing for a bit, just waiting for the sounds of the fellowship to come to my ears. Then, as soon as I'm sure that they are coming, I walk up to the edge of the large pool that the stream makes in the middle of the glade, and take off my underwear. My petite frame is encumbered with flawless pale skin, and I dive in just as Legolas, Aragorn and Frodo reach the clearing!
Surfacing again, I notice them. "Oh!" I duck back down in the water, but, alas, they have already seen everything! (And so my plan comes together, Hehehe!)
"My lady, we are so sorry!" Aragorn exclaims, whilst quite obviously straining his eyes to see through the clear water to my supple body underneath. Legolas has politely averted his eyes, and they widen as he spots the underwear lying by the pool. Frodo looks mystified by the whole turn of affairs, and is blushing adorably.
I, however, being the sexy beast that I am, am nonetheless bashful. "Urm...would you mind awfully just turning...so I can...get out...maybe...?" I stammer, readying myself to get out of the pool. They agree and turn away, though I can see more than one of them angling their swords, daggers (and in Gimli's case, his axe,) in order to spy on me.
I make sure they get their money's worth.
When I am done dressing, my hair is spectacularly dry and perfectly in place again. I smooth down the skirts of my dress, and then adorn my hair with wildflowers from the dell.
Suddenly, there is the sound of running feet, and, quick as a flash, I grab the ring bearer, and take off. "Wh-where are you taking me?"
"As far away from here as possible! That must be Menthol, trying to track me down, and you as well. I fear he's not the man we all thought he was – he has joined Saruman!" Legolas, sprinting to keep up with us below, gasps audibly. I look down, and when I look up again from spying on my love, I see that there is a tree in the way. There is no time to swerve, and the ring bearer and I crash into it head on!
"NO! DETTOL!" Legolas exclaims, as we spiral off into the distance, out of his sight.
A hand reaches out and grabs us, stopping our fall. My joy turns to horror when I realise it is none other than Menthol himself. "Let me go you beast!"
"I think not!" he growls, manhandling me in a way that no lady should be manhandled! His eyes settled on my heaving chest, and I slapped him. He slapped me right back, and I collapsed to the ground with a feeble cry.
"You, you monster!" I sob, looking up at him. "Let him go, he has nothing to do with this!"
"He has everything to do with this!"
"LET THEM GO!" Suddenly, the rest of the fellowship is here. I blanch, because I know they don't stand a chance against Menthol. Only a fairy can fight with another fairy and win – and I was in no state to fight him. It was hopeless!
You can do it. A voice suddenly said. I was confused, because I didn't know where it was coming from. I'm you're mother. And I know that this fairy man is evil. Go to your love – the elf. You have the strength to do this little one, I know you do. I believe in you! Now, get up, and show him you powers!
I may have been bleeding, and my legs may well have been broken, but, I got up anyway. "Back off guys. He's mine," I say, and, quick as lightning, I have the ring bearer back in my arms. "It's all right Frodo, you're safe now," I tell him, kissing him lightly on his curly hair. Then, I turn back to the Menthol, who is looking murderous!
"You – you bitch! I swear, when you marry me, you'll never be allowed this much freedom again! You'll stay in the house like a proper little woman!" I glower at this comment, and all the anger that's been building up suddenly erupts from inside of me.
I curl my dainty, ring clad hands into fists, and fiery magic forms around them both. Then, I punch him hard on the face! "I'm a 'lady', not some freaking possession of yours, you sexist pig!" I yell as I fire more volleys of magic at him. But, even as he falls, he manages to clip with dark magic.
The air rushes out of my body, and I collapse onto the ground. Legolas is there with me in a second, and I look up at him, trying to speak through lips that are spilling precious blood. He shushes me with a finger. "Shh, it'll be all right."
"No...no," I sob, shuddering with each breath I take. "Legolas...I...I think I'm dying," I admit, looking into his eyes with all the love I can muster. I see the tears form, and I cry with him, as all the strength leaves me.
"Please, don't leave me." He leans down and whispers into my ear. "I love you."
"Legolas," I say, smiling through the pain, "I'll always be with you...no matter what!" And then...it's all black.
It's not your time yet. The elf needs you. You must go back.
I don't know how much time later it was, but, I opened my eyes again, and coughed slightly. Legolas opened his eyes, and blinked at me a couple of times. Then, he screamed with joy, "You're alive!"
"She's alive?" the rest of the fellowship repeat, looking up from where they had been sitting, crying mournfully for me. "She's alive!" they repeat, gathering around and looking at me adoringly.
"I guess I am," I say, yawning a little. "Must be tougher to kill me than I thought," I say, laughing a little to cheer them up."
"Yeah? Well, don't do it again!" Legolas warned me, taking me up into his arms, and hugging me strongly.
This whole idea is basically taken from a myriad of fics I've seen. The idea of the last two fairies, I have to admit, was actually a parody of a very good story I once read (but I can't remember for the life of me where I read it, or what it was called.) The death scene was the basic death scene that all writers have used at one time or another with a Mary Sue/ Barry Stu story. Don't do it. The voices in the head was the generic 'I am your guardian angel and I've come to save you, bla, bla, bla' rubbish.
Also, the changing of tenses throughout was intentional. I just wanted to make a point on how annoying that is when you're trying to get stuck into a story, and its suddenly in the present instead of past, or future instead of present, and things like that. Take spelling mistakes as if they're meant to be there (even the ones that aren't, heh!)
Again, don't blame me. Blame the other writers for being so bad that they just begged to be made fun of. [Smirk]