Guy De Maupassant
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Chapter Two: And Fulfill
The wind howled when the last of her cigarette went out. Lily silently stared at the streaming cigarette smoke as it flew against her eyelashes. Then, swallowing thickly, she risked a glance at Travis.
He was staring off into space, his gray eyes roaming the landscape with an odd sense of wariness. He cocked his head to the side for a second before a short huff of a chuckle escaped his lips.
Eyebrows raised, Lily watched Travis' thoughts flicker over her face, and a flutter of happiness rose in the pit of her stomach as she surveyed his mood. Throwing her cigarette to the ground, she smiled inquiringly at him. "What's so funny?"
Travis turned to look at her, his eyes glittering in amused intelligence. Nodding to his surroundings, he said quietly, "Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been declared to you from the beginning? Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?" With that, he fell silent, the quirky smile quickly disappearing while a solemn frown took its place.
Blinking in bemusement, Lily looked around before pursing her lips. Coughing awkwardly, she cocked her head at him. "Were those questions directed at me, Travis?"
Hearing this, Travis laughed outright, looking at her with the purest amount of affection she had even seen on his face. Shaking his head, his chuckles interjected him occasionally while he stuttered, "No, no. . ." his laughter increased a bit; Lily scowled before crossing her legs Indian-style. Seeing her expression, Travis tried to control his laughter, but it looked more like a grimace than a serious expression.
Lily gave him a playful slap across the arm and tried to look like she was upset. But she wasn't. She couldn't help but grin despite herself; Travis' joy never failed to send thrills of excitement through her body.
Finally settling down, Travis shook his head again before stating patiently, as if he were teaching a small toddlerl, "It's a passage from The Book of Isaiah. . ."
"As in, from the Bible?" Lily asked, turning to him with a confused expression.
"As in from the Bible," Travis restated before snapping a piece of grass from the ground. Then, cupping it in his hand, he blew between his thumbs, sending an odd reverberating sound echoing through the air.
As she heard this eerie sound resound with the thunder, Lily shivered. However, she quickly squashed the bubbling foreboding in her stomach before pursuing the subject that was present beforehand. "But, Travis, I thought you were a Buddhist. . . ?" She stopped while raising an inquiring eyebrow.
He looked at her from the corner of his eye before a smirk formed on his face. Leaning back, he surveyed the sky, stating nonchalantly, "Nah. . . Buddha's full of shit."
Starting at his harsh words, Lily gave off a shocked face. Travis merely laughed at her again. Then, turning so that his body was laying on the ground but his head was propped up by his hand, he spoke slowly, "I'm not a Buddhist, Lily. I agree with many of his teachings; some I don't. There are some Judaistic teachings I agree with; many I don't. I study both, holding out for something that holds all truth."
His words were haunting, as if he had sung them. A chill in the air surrounded her; Lily wrapped her sweater closer to her body, eyeing Travis with suspicion, as if she wasn't quite sure he was there. He always did manage to disappear at the oddest times, just when she needed him the most. It would come when she felt the air becoming heavy, when the world was caving in and suffocating her with it's choking sulfuric fumes. It was at those times she realized that it wasn't a matter of how much she wanted him, of how much she desired to wrap herself in his toxic warmth and melt into his earthy and habitual body; it was a matter of need. It was at these moments that Lily truly understood her utter dependence on this other person. It was as if someone had ripped out her soul and told her to walk around without it, pretending that it wasn't running away from her.
It was also at those moments that Lily realized that Travis was incriminating her too, because she had run away with his soul. He was running away from the inevitable, trying to see how long he could last without that critical part of himself.
However, Lily felt no pity for herself and no compassion for Travis. She felt like one of those insane mass murderers who went madly chuckling all the way to their execution.
"Lily. . .?" A voice interjected her thoughts finally. "I'm sorry; please don't cry."
Lily suddenly realized that she had been crying again. She opened her mouth to say something, but she could instantly taste the bitter flavor of her tears sting her tongue. Thunder was creaking in the background and lightening sizzled in humidity as Lily boarded her eyes tightly together. Eyes closed, she felt shame course through her body like a wave of nausea. She hated to feel sorry for herself.
Lily felt herself falling, drifting off somewhere, but two strong hands gripped her wrists, anchoring her to the soft cemetery soil. She realized then that she really wanted to leave, to run away from this situation. Stretching out her arms, she tried to free her herself from the zealous grip, but she instantly found any attempt would be in vain.
And it wasn't that she wanted to leave, persay. It just felt as if now was the time to make her exit, as if it was ordained. It was as if going against it was like going against a bad habit.
"I won't let you leave now." Travis' voice was heavy and strange. His breath stung her cool and damp cheeks, making Lily shiver instantly. Another tear escaped her lids while she ground her teeth in agony.
"Let me go," she said to him, her teeth chattering and her voice sounding like a creaky stair. Lily suddenly felt very old, ancient almost. The blood was slowly draining from her face, and she could feel her face grown paler by the instant.
"No," came the forceful yet gentle reply. "No, Lily, I'm not going to let you go. . . where would you go anyways?"
"Home. I want to go home." Lily choked down a sob that scratched her throat.
Travis sighed. There was a brief silence while Lily managed to gain control of herself, swallowing her overwhelming emotions. Slowly, as the sobs ceased to silently rack her body, she opened her eyes. Looking through a blurred vision, Lily surveyed Travis' face, which was now alarmingly close to her own.
He looked old, but not in the sense that he had aged. Instead, he looked old like the earth looks old-- there was something ancient and mystic in the furrowed lines of his brow that spoke volumes of the thoughts churning underneath his stony facade.
Travis was biting his lip during the eternal and gray seconds they stared at each other. Then, after a time, he looked away before whispering, as if he didn't want any possible eavesdroppers to hear, "But nobody's at home, Lily."
"What?" Lily quickly demanded with shocked curiosity. Blinking rapidly, she gulped loudly before asking, horror edged on her voice, "What did you say?"
His eyes roamed back to her face as he said gently, "Nobody's home. . . not even when you pick up the telephone to talk to Ray or Robbie. Not even when you meet Audrey at Mickey's. Not even when you sleep with that boy up the street from you. . . yes-- don't look at me like that-- I know about him."
His words hit her like a ton of bricks. Staggering back, Lily crawled away from him with her hands and heels, wide-eyed and frightened of the thoughts filtering through his brain. He was talking strange again, of course. No one should understand what he was saying. But Lily knew.
Looking at him in horror, Lily didn't know what to think of his expression. His face seemed to register frustrated patience, as if he was waiting for her to admit that he was right. However, Lily would not concede that easily. Bristling, she pursed her lips together before huffing stiffly, "That's not true. Ray and Robbie are my home. Audrey makes me feel more happy than I could ever imagine. And Neal, well. . . he's a nice guy!"
At this, Travis laughed loudly, mocking undertones hidden in his chuckles. Leaning back on his hunches, he raised an eyebrow at her before saying, "No, Lily, you've got it all wrong. . ."
"Do I?" She interjected, feeling the color rise to her cheeks in indignation. "Because right now I'm wondering how someone who never seems to be home would know so much about what it feels like to truly be home."
A frown creased his face immediately. "Now. . ." he started, his voice suddenly sounding a bit resentful.
"Oh, don't patronize me, Travis!" Lily shouted before standing up, not bothering to brush off the dirt from her clothes. Her eyes flashed menacingly as she glowered at him. Shaking her head, she felt her neck hair stand up from the stormy electricity in the air. "I know what's good for me," She spat at him, as if to finalize the situation.
"Oh really? You do?" Travis barked at her, a fire in his stormy eyes. He stood up and faced her, his lips trembling in fever.
"Yes, really!"
A dark chuckle emitted from his lips, as if a part of his zen-calm was turning insane. His face calmed for second while he stared at Lily, her hands clenched tightly at her side. Then, with the brevity of second, he went onward, "You know, I thought for second about apologizing, but then I realized that I owe no apology. Because, Lily, you know that we don't belong here, not in this world. Or at least not in their world-- not in Ray's. Not in Robbie's. Not in Audrey's. Especially not in Neal's." He shook his head while running a shaky hand through his hair. "That's the problem, Lily. We all pretend that there is some sort of cosmic fate that everyone adheres too. But that's excrement, all of it. The problem with fate is that we-- humanity-- do not belong in the same worlds, the same spheres. That's the reason your mother isn't happy with her safe, surbaban lifestyle. That's the reason why my father drags our family across this cursed world for fulfillment while allowing his good-for-nothing wife to ruin the lives of the ones he loves most, but he doesn't have the intuition or imagination to interfere. That's the reason why Robbie will never understand or condone our relationship. That's the reason why Ray can never admit that he's in love with you; because he's not, or not really. We do not all fit into a neat little human mold in which everyone is just like everyone. We are equal, yes. But separate. When we try to infiltrate each other's worlds, that's where we run into humanity's problems. We cannot understand why someone will not and can not understand the same desires of our hearts, the lusts of our bodies, the wounds of our souls." He paused here, his lips suddenly pursed together in grim realization.
Lily felt a paralyzation take hold of her entire body as his words rung true to every part of her being. She looked at him, her eyes dry, her former anger vanished without a whisper of a trace. She suddenly realized that she hadn't been breathing the entire time he was talking, but she felt as if now wouldn't be an appropriate time to start.
Thunder growled overhead. A drop of water splashed Lily square on the nose. She ignored it
Travis groaned before glancing at the sky. Then, with a gray and heavy voice, he finished his speech, "Me and you, Lily, are not a perfect match in the flesh. You're happy-go-lucky, sweet, and kind, albeit slightly juvenile, even if you have grown up lately. I'm a boring, haiku, transcendental weirdo. However," he looked at her, his eyes grave, "when we connect like this, you know what I know. We belong in the same world, Lily. We understand the realm in which we grope the strangling darkness with a defiance that I cannot describe. You-- and I'll say this with the risk of sounding fake and corny-- you, Lily Randall inspire and fulfill me. Without you, without me, without us, there is no point, really."
It had started raining, fat drops soaking the poached ground. Lily could feel it seeping through her wool sweater so that it clung to her body. However, her immediate discomfort was immaterial as she stared at Travis with an unnerved expression.
Travis was right. She knew it in her soul, could feel his dull gray light shining out from it like a beacon of misty truth. Lily entertained the thought that maybe she should cry, but then decided against it. Swallowing thickly, she realized how much she wanted nothing more to fall into his embrace now, to let herself go. To enter the world in which they lived in.
However, what he had said tortured her. It tortured her because she knew there was a certain sense of finality about it. It was an irreversible path in which the only way to go was forward. There was no turning back once she had taken his hand and agreed to follow him into this strange and terrific sphere where she was home. Finally and truly home.
There was no Ray in this place. No Robbie. No Audrey. No Simone and her new baby. And although it didn't mean total exclusion from these people, it meant that she had to realize that she would never connect with them in the truest and purest sense. It was as if viewing the world from an aquarium, in which you were technically in the same room but not within the same world.
And, because of her thoughts, Lily suddenly felt trepid bile rise to her throat. She swallowed it before shivering, her eyes clamped tight against grim certainty. Lily reasoned that Travis had probably left, gone to a place where the horrors of this reality were now intangible. However, as she opened her eyes, she was staring into the face of a confused and indecisive young man.
A million things came to her tongue to say at that second, a million perfect phrases were in her brain to use for a time such as this. However, the thing she said then was neither perfect nor tactful.
Looking deeply into Travis' eyes, Lily blinked away a raindrop that was hanging on her eyelash. Then, her words thick and measured, Lily stated, "Give me one good reason not to leave right now, Travis."
This phrase seemed to hit him as if it was a slap in the face. He stared at her like a deer caught in the headlights. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Hesitation creased his forehead, and he blinked in bemusement.
At his silence, Lily felt regret sting her throat. Shaking involuntarily, Lily shook her head mournfully. Licking her lips, she turned on her heel to go, her shoes soaked in rain and mud.
And, as her foot was about to take the first step away, something caught her by the wrist and turned her fully around. Lily let out a small shriek of surprise as she was pulled against his broad chest. Looking up gingerly, she saw Travis' tempestuous eyes, observing her with brash direction.
Lily's heart caught in her throat when she opened her mouth to stutter. However, nothing came out. As she was about to pull away and ask Travis to explain himself, something tremendous happened.
As the rain poured on them, he pulled her closer before covering his lips with hers in a fevered sense of desperation, as if their lives depended on it. His warmth enveloped her in that chilly and rainy autumn day, overflowing her with inner static electricity.
Lily could feel Travis pressing his lips further onto hers, and she wondered how much closer they could get before their lips became bruised. Her hands were clutched and pressed hopelessly at his chest; one of his were wrapped tightly around her waist while the other pushed back the wet and stringy hair that had been plastered to her cheek.
He tasted a bit like ginger, but there was an odd sense of peaceful yet gritty earthiness about him. His lips were a testament of what Travis was; firm and hard, yet at the same time, delicate at the slightest touch.
After what seemed like forever, Travis pulled back, loosening his bonds on her. Lily didn't move at first, but instead stood stiffly, her eyes shut tightly. She could feel herself shivering from the cold and the exhausting emotions coursing through her body. Then, after a few seconds, she opened her eyes to look at Travis.
He was staring at her as if he didn't know what to think of her. His mouth was drawn in a tight line while his forehead was crinkled in concentration. He took a step back before surveying her, his eyes grazing over her features with apt curiosity.
Lips pursed, he stared at her, his eyes glittering with some inward fire. "That's the reason why you shouldn't go," he finally remarked, glancing at Lily through the rim of his eyelashes.
Lily suddenly realized that her mouth was open like a earthed fish. Gulping in some air, she shook her head and ran her hand through her tangled mess of wet hair. Her gray wool sweater clung to her, and she had the instinct to take it off, which she did. Throwing it away, she glared at it when it landed in a sordid pile of mud and earth. Lily (who was now wearing nothing but her jeans and black bra) glanced back up at Travis, but he had not even slightly reacted to her undressing. He simply blinked at her solemnly before sighing, weariness edging on his tone.
Swallowing thickly, Lily bit her lip. She was starting to shiver all over again, and she clutched her arms around her chest, hoping for some warmth. When she received none, she managed to stutter through her chattering teeth, "Are you in love with me, Travis?"
Travis was trying to light another cigarette, but was facing the inevitable failure of that endeavor. At her question, however, he raised an inquiring eyebrow. Then, craning back his head, he looked at her with an intense gaze. He sighed before taking off his jacket, and, walking towards Lily, put it over her shaking body.
His jacket was soaking wet, just like everything else, but it provided the insulation that Lily was yearning for. And when he draped it over her shoulders, she could feel his lips graze the tips of her ear as he said, "Of course I love you, Lily." But his tone was so dry, it might have been him stating the weather conditions.
Lily turned on him, looking him square him in the eye. He did seem to be caught off guard by this, because he blinked at her, bemused. Then, gripping tightly to his shoulders, she ordered him to stare, bewildered, at her while she commanded, "I didn't ask whether you love me or not. I asked whether you were in love with me. Now answer me!"
Travis bit his lip before scrunching his eyebrows together. "I. . . I don't think I can, Lily."
"Shut-up, Travis," she snapped before she felt tears smart in her eyes. "Tell me how you feel. . . you never tell me. You. . ." she paused before she sniffled quietly, "you always leave too early to tell me what you feel. Now, Travis Strong, do you love me?"
His eyes started to sway to the side, but Lily shook him before demanding that he look at her. His gaze snapped on her, and although Lily flinched at the fire burning in them, her grip didn't weaken. Instead, she pursed her lips together, her face willing him to respond.
And he finally did. Slowly and deliberately, Travis stated calmly, "People like us don't fall in love, Lily."
Bristling, Lily digested his words, blinking slowly. Then, her eyes narrowing, she swallowed before asking, "Yes; yes, of course. But, nevertheless, Travis are you in love with me?"
"Maybe," was the quick reply. And then: "I mean, yes. Well, I don't know. Lily, you ask too much. You always ask too much."
"Nonsense," she snapped before letting go of him, her eyes grazing over Travis' confused countenance. Folding her arms across her chest, Lily said, "You know I never ask too much; everyone else just asks too little."
Travis simply nodded. The rain was letting up a little bit, but the sopping ground was engulfing both of them. Frowning, he looked at her, and Lily instantly knew that he was going to leave.
But she needed to leave too.
And, so with a bit of awkwardness as the conversation immediately shifted, she said, "Uh, I probably should get back. My dad will be worried. Or something." She averted her eyes away from Travis, suddenly finding the muddy landscape fascinating. Sensing that something was missing, she realized that she still had his jacket on. "Er. . . you probably want your jacket back," Lily mumbled as she slowly unzipped it.
Shaking his head, Travis wrapped his fingers over her hand, stopping her from furthering the unzipping. "No," he said gently, "you can keep it. My mother has probably already bought me another one of the umpteenth jackets that I don't really like."
Lily gave him a little smile. Travis, catching her eye, smiled crookedly back at her. Something caught in her throat when he did, and Lily took a mental picture of that moment. In that second, she could swear that was what it would be like if she could fall in love. But that world didn't belong to her. No, the world she belonged to ached in her body. It was a yearning that pained her; it ate at her like a sickness. She couldn't turn from it or try to ignore it. If she did, she would end up like her mother, her soul eating away at her, alienating her from her comfortable yet maddening life.
"Come on," Travis said before grabbing her hand and holding it affectionately. "I'll walk you to the road."
His loose grip was warm and comforting, but at the same time Lily could feel shivers of danger coursing through her veins. Her breathing became shallow as they plodded through the wet cemetery grounds, past the iron-rod fence, towards the gravel road that curved up the knoll, leading to a path that cut through the twisting forests of Roscoe.
When they reached the gravel road, Travis still held her hand, albeit so loosely he might as well have not been holding it. Lily chanced a look in his direction and watched as he shook his head like a wet dog. Water went spraying everywhere, but she couldn't really tell if it was the still-pouring rain or the droplets in his hair.
They didn't say anything for a long time. Then, finally, Lily bit her lip and cleared her throat. "I'm kinda hungry; I might head to Mickey's." That was lie. She wouldn't have gone to Mickey's if someone had grabbed her by the hair and dragged her there. The fact was that she was mentally exhausted, and felt as if she might collapse right on the gravel pavement.
Travis raised a calculating eyebrow, showing that he clearly knew she was lying. But, after a few seconds of silence, he said, "Yeah, okay." A pause. "Call me when you get home, alright?" Another lie. He didn't want her to call him. And he knew she wouldn't.
However: "Sure," Lily answered before shrugging. She made a move as if to leave, but then she caught herself, spinning tightly on her heel. Staring back at Travis, she opened her mouth to say something-- anything. But, when her gaze met his, her mouth shut tight, as if closed together by some invisible clamp.
There was now no need for verbal conversation. It was there in Travis' eyes, swimming there, engrossing Lily to her very core. Understanding. Trust. If they could be material things, they were there swimming and exchanged in their gaze.
"Go," whispered Travis before offering her a thin grin.
Lily, managing her own wobbly smile, finally let go of his wrinkly hand. She started to walk up the knoll, her shoes soaked with soil and stained with wet grass. Entertaining the thought of taking off her shoes, Lily looked behind her.
Travis was still standing there, his hair standing on ends. He looked like a marble statue, his face hard and sharp, his eyes piercing and stormy. His clothes were soaked thoroughly while raindrops clung to the tip of his nose, his eyebrows, his eyelashes. Lily sighed; she wanted to imagine him like that always.
No, she said to herself. No. She didn't want to remember him like that. She wanted to remember what it felt like to look into his eyes, what it felt like to drink him in. She wanted to remember the way he kissed her, like his life depended on it.
Lily smiled bitter-sweetly to herself. She remembered one day on RFR when Travis had said, in response to one of Ray's immature remarks, "Love isn't about what you need or want, Pronto. Erich Fromm once said, 'Immature love says "I love you because I need you." Mature love says, "I need you because I love you".'".
Ray had then retorted with his redundant, "Everyone, quiet: If you listen hard enough, you can hear the wheels of nonsense turning in that head of Swami's."
Sighing, Lily bit her lip, glanced one more time at Travis before deciding not to take off her shoes. Clenching her jaw, she began to climb the saturated knoll before disappearing into the winding forest path to her house.
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A/N: WAIT!! This story isn't quite finished. Actually, this is quite a short fanfic now that I think about it. Oh well. But, anywho, there's one more chappie after this, so hold on tight (or,whatever).
Anyways, leave a review if you care. PWEASE? And thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has reviewed. You all are glorious people.