CHAPTER 1
Are you bloody serious? yelled Harry. That tubby bloke from Braveheart'? HE's playing Mad-Eye? Ron grimaced, and nodded. I heard it from aint-it-cool-news.com, mate, so it must be so. Harry saw a flaw somewhere in that reasoning, but he couldn't figure it out. Suddenly he felt a flash of desire, followed by a stream of drool issuing from his mouth. Voldemort had been thinking about Jennifer Garner again. He was getting sick of that. Suddenly, Hermione burst in. Another fanboy wrote a story where he makes it with me. she sighed. Why can't they stick to anime characters? Yeah, those Pokemon are blooming hot, muttered Harry. Both of them stared at him. I didn't say anything. he said very loudly. Harry felt a flash of anger; the Chocolate Frogs machine had eaten Voldemort's Galleon. Harry screamed obscenities in a high-pitched, hissing voice for five minutes on end. After several unheard-of combinations of existing curse words, he realized everyone was staring at him yet again. We'd better go downstairs, he said, after a pause that lasted approximately as long as the Reagan administration. Harry, Ron and Hermione stepped on the first step. Then the second. Then the third. Then they were flung bodily down the stairs by the plot gods, who were annoyed at the author's feeble attempt to pad the story. As Harry walked over to the Gryffindor table, he saw someone he would not have expected in a million years, or whatever weird time unit wizards use. he screamed, hurling himself against his supposedly dead godfather in a rib-crushing hug. This moment seemed to last forever. Then he looked up and saw that Sirius was looking extremely confused. I'm not Sirius. he said. I'm Hannibal's Gary Oldman. I just came here to answer Malfoy's fan mail. Oh. Sorry. Harry let go of the man, who walked over to the Slytherin table and sat down. Harry found himself missing Sirius so much that it was time for some CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

ANGST

ANGST

ANGST

Well, now that that was over with, he could eat his breakfast. Suddenly, a Slytherin named Charlton Heston leapt onto the table. PUMPKIN JUICE IS PEOPLE! he shrieked. PUMPKIN JUICE IS PEOPLE! Harry sat back while the author tried to think of some more overused pop culture references.