CHAPTER 3

Harry and Ron rushed downstairs, where Hermione was seated at the Gryffindor table, talking to one of her fellow students. Hermione, come on! yelled Harry. We've got to get out of here! Just a second! said Hermione, in an annoyed tone. She turned back to the Gryffindor girl. So this one time at wand camp... Suddenly Harry recognized the girl. he snarled. We meet again. She lunged at him. He swerved just in time, sending her flying across the Great Hall and into the chest of Dumbledore, who was running down the stairs waving the Thompson. Come on, let's go! said Harry. This time Hermione complied. The three ran across the Great Hall and out of the door. They didn't stop running until they came to Hagrid's hut. It was then that they noticed something. Hang on, said Ron cautiously. Didn't this place used to be made of wood? Indeed, the entire structure had become composed of mossy stones. They walked inside. To their shock, Hagrid was lying on the floor, bound and gagged. A stranger -- a clean-shaven stranger-- was standing over him. Oh, he said, with a thick Scottish brogue. I'm Robbie Coltrane. You may remember me from such films as From Hell' and Van Helsing'. The three screamed and ran from the hut, this time not looking back until they were deep in the forest. What woeful miscasting, muttered Harry. said Ron. So obviously John Rhys-Davies. agreed Hermione. The three stuck out their wands. they said simultaneously. Then, in a literary device the hack who's writing this seems to love, they screamed. They were staring into the eight eyes of Aragog, the monstrous spider who, in their second year had [Author's Note: By order of J.K. Rowling, I am forced to print the following message: Buy the second book, you cheapskate]. Wait a minute! said Ron. He waved his hand. It simply went through Aragog. This is just a special effect! Hermione aimed her wand at the giant arachnid. Greenus Screenus! she yelled. The spider vanished, leaving only noted actor Julian Glover, best known for doing the voice of Aragog in the second film. Oh my Gawd! yelled Harry. You were awesome in Indiana Jones'! But the man was quivering at their feet, clutching their robes. I'm so sorry! he whimpered. These are the only parts I can get these days! Please don't hurt me! Oh, we won't. said Hermione. Yeah, we're gonna kill you. said Ron. Maybe he does deserve to die. But now that I see him, I do pity him. said Harry, as Glover looked in the pockets of Harry's robes for change. He winced as Peter Jackson slapped him with a very heavy lawsuit. But that's another story.
Suddenly, Gary Oldman, in full Sirius costume, came crashing through the trees. Caught you! he yelled. Now it's off to the all for thruppence' shelf with you! Avada... said Harry. Help us! Please! You don't have to do this! Oldman laughed. There's nothing you can say to make me help you. he sneered. They kill you off the movie after next. Hermione confided. Okay, I'm in. replied Oldman. What do we do? Obvious, really. said Harry. We find the characters who haven't been cast yet or aren't in the movies. Then we make war on that simpering little snot who thinks he can pass himself off as me. What about the actors who have bowed out? asked Oldman. Good thinking. said Harry. Try to find John Cleese and Sean Biggerstaff. Ron began giggling uncontrollably at the sound of the name