Dumbledore banged his fist on the table, causing a chunk of it to fly off and hit Rupert Grint between the eyes.

It is imperative that we find them! he yelled. Without those three, the whole deal falls apart! Alan Rickman, Robbie Coltrane, David Thewlis, Maggie Smith and the others nodded. Their literary counterparts had been subdued hours ago and forced into a limbo known as Development Hell.

But first, said Dumbledore, we must find a replacement for the traitor Oldman, who, great though he was in Immortal Beloved', must die for his treachery. Think, everyone... who can play Sirius Black?How about Steve Buscemi? said Alan Rickman. Excellent thinking, Alan. said Dumbledore. Write that down. Hey, I've been wondering, commented Tom Felton. How is it you're still here? You're from the books! Well, you see, Dumbledore said, I've been played by two different actors, and they couldn't agree on which one of them to use. So, they decided on the real thing.

But why would you betray everyone else? asked Felton incredulously. And one of the actors is dead! This makes no... bellowed Dumbledore . Felton began to gyrate and scream on the floor. Anyone ELSE have any questions regarding continuity? he asked, his voice quiet and menacing. A smattering of s, s and who writes this craps went around the table.

Hollywood, California
Shrek 2 Cast Party
10 PM
 Gary Oldman knocked desparately on the door. At long last, it opened. Mike Myers answered it. he said, in an accent. Welcoom ta All Things Scottish. If it's not Scottish it's crrrrrap! The five derelicts simply stared at him. He looked them over. You don't find the concept of a Scottish accent hilarious? he said disbelievingly. You lot have to be the first. How bout this... -- he put on the accent again-- 'E's gonna cry imself to sleep tonight on is gigantic pilla! Again, they just stared at him. Oh, that's right, nobody saw that movie. he said.

said Hermione. Your Scottish accent is wonderful, but we're looking for John Cleese. Oh, him? said Myers, his voice entirely normal. He's over there, talking to John Lithgow. Wait a minute... said Harry. John Lithgow wasn't in Shrek 2. He was only in the first one. Since then he's been busy writing children's books like a First Lady on speed. Eh what're you gonna do? said Myers, shrugging. The author wanted to make an obscene Footloose' joke.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Oldman sidled over to Cleese while Glover tried to pick Jennifer Saunders' pocket. They waited patiently while he finished talking to John Lithgow. Then they turned to him. Mr. Cleese! said Ron. You have to help us! They explained about the situation at Hogwarts, which should have taken five pages but which the author is cleverly dismissing in a single sentence because he can't be bothered.

Absolutely not. said Cleese. I spend years trying to avoid dying as the Monty Python guy' and what do they hurl at me? A bloody children's franchise! Well, what's wrong with that? asked Harry. And can we hurry up? I think Larry King's hitting on Hermione. Being in a children's franchise is undignified! thundered Cleese. How so? asked Oldman. I've worked with Francis Ford Coppola and I still managed to jump on board. A look of watery-eyed admiration crossed Cleese's face. You... you've worked with Coppola? he said. Oldman nodded. What's he like? asked Cleese. I'll tell you if you join us. said Oldman. replied Cleese.

So, who do we recruit next? asked Harry. Let's go with Sean Biggerstaff, best known for his role as Oliver Wood, suggested Hermione. Huh huh, you said Wood' and Ron laughed. Wait a minute. said Myers. Is that the guy with the Scots accent? The real one? Ron nodded. I'm coming. I've got to meet him. Myers said eagerly.

The cockroach scuttled out of the gutter. It hesitated for a few seconds. It did a 180-degree turn and prepared to haul carapace back into the gutter, but it was too late. It was speared on a fork faster than you could say Oh shit, I've been speared on a fork. said Sean Biggerstaff. He hauled the roach over to his plate, which had been empty for three days. He never should have bowed out of the Harry Potter franchise. Since that fateful decision, he had been living on insects and puddle water. As he was about to sink his teeth into the vermin, he looked up and saw three familiar faces and three unfamiliar. Hello, Harry, Ron, Hermione, other guys. he said. How are you? Holy crap! said Mike Myers reverently. That... that's quite an accent you've got there. he said reverently. Biggerstaff looked embarrassed. Ah, it's just something I got from me father.

said Harry. We need your help. Hogwarts has replaced book continuity with film continuity. We need all the help we can get. And why should I help you? asked Biggerstaff skeptically. Because if you do, said Harry, and we win, you'll get real food again. Biggerstaff jumped to his feet. When do I start? he asked. Effective immediately. said Harry. We have one more visit to make. If he comes with us, we'll have untold Hollywood firepower. But he turned down a role in the movies. He nodded grimly. We need Sean Connery.