Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters except baby Sirius. Awwww.
Author's Note: This just popped into my head today in history. Can't you just picture Remus getting all flustered and nervous?
"Well, Remus, Harry is 17 now, and he and my daughter are quite serious. It's only proper that you and him have the talk." Molly said as she washed the dinner dishes. Remus gulped and looked out to where his wife and their son were playing with Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione. He looked back at Molly.
"Molly, why don't you give him the talk? I mean, I don't know if I'm the one..."
"Nonsense, Remus! You know you are the closest thing to a father figure that Harry has, and that he looks up to you more then anyone else. I thought you considered Harry a son."
Remus ran a hand through his hair. "I do, Molly, I do consider him a son. But isn't it a bit soon to have a talk with him? Maybe when little Sirius is ready for the talk, I can just talk to him and Harry at the same time." He stared at Molly's disbelieving look and gave her a weak smile. "You know, kill two birds with one stone..."
"Remus Lupin! By the time your son is 17 Harry will be 33! Be reasonable!" Remus slumped into a chair and Molly sat next to him, and patted his shoulder. "Now, Remus, you are a father now, and you have a family. We all know that you consider Harry your son, and you now must give Harry the talk all boys must one day have. Arthur already gave all of his sons the talk..."
Remus brightened. "Arthur! That's a wonderful idea, Arthur can have the talk with Harry..." Molly gave Remus a glare of death. "...er, I mean, you're right, Molly, of course. I'll have the talk with Harry..." he paused. "...Next week."
Molly continued glaring.
"I mean, now. We'll have the talk now. If you'll excuse me." Remus pushed the chair away from the table and made his way out to the sitting room of the Burrow.
"Hey Remus, Sirius said Harry! Didn't you, Sirius?" Harry said from the floor where the one-year-old was crawling around. Tonks smiled up at him.
"Said it clear as day." Remus bent down and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
"That's my boy. A right little genius, isn't he?" Remus swooped down and grabbed him, giving him a kiss on the forehead before handing him to Ginny and turning nervously to Harry. It's now or never, he though, as he wrung his hands together.
"Harry, can I see you in the other room for a few moments?" Remus was aware his face was crimson. Everyone stared up at him oddly before Harry nodded and stood. Remus nodded towards the stairs and Harry followed him, giving a quick glance back to the others, who shrugged.
"Why can't he say Ron? Ron is loads easier to say then Harry. Come on, Sirius, say Ron! Rooooon. Ron!" Harry grinned as they walked up the stairs.
"Ron's jealous Sirius said my name first even though Ron is easier to say." Remus chuckled nervously.
"He'll say it eventually. He's saying more and more everyday." Remus turned into the first room he saw. He motioned Harry in and silently shut the door. "Sit, Harry."
Harry arched his eyebrows and sat on the bed, looking at Remus apprehensively. "Did I do something, Remus?"
Remus shook his head and dragged a chair over, sitting across from Harry. "No, no, nothing wrong. It's just, that...well, you're getting older, Harry, and we're all aware that you and Ginny are getting quite serious, and well, Molly decided it was time I talk to you about a few things."
Harry turned red as he realized where the conversation was going, and Remus was quite sure he was just as red.
Remus pulled at his collar uncomfortably and cleared his throat. Harry seemed to take a sudden interest in the patchwork of the blanket he was sitting on and silently was tracing the designs with his fingertips. "Er, well, you see Harry, it's like this...."
They fell into another lapse of awkward silence. Remus took a deep breath. "Harry, when two people love each other, they..."
Harry looked up at his guardian who was stumbling through his words. If he hadn't been so bloody mortified he would have found amusement in the nervous antics of the usually calm man. He hadn't seen Remus this nervous since...well, since his wedding day.
"See, Harry," Remus was attempting again. "When you really love someone, sometimes you want to take the physical aspect of the relationship to the next...er...plateau."
Plateau? Harry had to put an end to it. "Remus, really, you don't have to explain. I know about this stuff already."
Remus sighed in relief. "You do?" Harry nodded. "That's good, I – wait a second, how in the world do you already know this stuff? You shouldn't know this stuff yet!"
Harry stared at Remus. "Remus, I'm 17. I'm of age. I think I know what sex is."
Remus flushed. "Er, right. Well, Harry, just be careful. You and Ginny are still quite young..."
"Right. No Harry Juniors anytime soon. We know, trust me, Remus."
Remus sighed again. "I'm bad at this whole thing, aren't I?"
Harry grinned. "No. You're just a nervous wreck."
Remus stood. "I won't argue that, Harry, you are most certainly right. Now, if anyone asks, just tell them I calmly and responsibly gave you the 'talk'."
"You mean, if Mrs. Weasley asks, I should tell her that, right?"
Remus grinned. "Right." Harry laughed and opened the door, and Remus followed.
"You know, Remus, maybe I should be the one to give Sirius the talk when he's older. You might have a heart attack if you do."
Remus chuckled. "You're probably right, Harry, you're probably right."
Harry snorted. "Plateau...honestly." Remus playfully shoved Harry as they made their way back to the sitting room.
"He said my name! He said my name!" They heard someone shrieking as they walked in. Ron was staring at Hermione in disbelief. Hermione turned to Harry and Remus. "Sirius just said my name! He said, he said 'Mione'! Can you believe it?"
"I can't believe he said bloody Hermione before Ron! This is bloody insane!"
"Ron," Tonks started warningly. "Watch with the bloody, you know he's starting to repeat everything everyone says..."
"Mione! Mione! Harry!" Sirius was clapping on the floor. Harry and Hermione grinned.
Ginny smiled at Ron reassuringly. "Don't worry Ron, he hasn't said my name yet either."
"Gin!" Sirius yelled from the floor. Ginny started laughing and picked Sirius up in a hurry, hugging him.
Ron scowled as Ginny turned to Harry, still holding little Sirius. "Isn't he the cutest baby in the world, Harry?" Harry nodded. "I can't wait to have a baby of my own one day. Lots and lots of babies..."
Remus cleared his throat from behind them and Harry glanced back at the man who was watching with his arms crossed and eyebrows raised.
"Maybe in a long, long time, Ginny." Harry gulped as he looked between Ginny, who had quite a dreamy look in her eyes and Remus, who was mouthing 'remember our talk' He pulled at his collar in the same way Remus had just done earlier and gulped again. "A very, very, long time."