You know what? We do own Lord of the Rings. So send us money.
Frodo stood in the shade of a tree, glaring at it most angrily.
"Stupid tree," he muttered. "Being taller than I am."
He gave it a vicious kick, and was disappointed to find that trees are very hard, and that bare feet are not.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of an approaching carriage, interspersed with a few shouts of pain every time Gandalf's head collided with a low-hanging branch.
"Gandalf!" he cried happily, dashing to where a hillock overlooked the road. Without stopping, he took a flying leap...and hit the side of the horse. He slid down it, and was stepped on by its hind hoof.
'Crunch!' went Frodo's femur. He cried in pain, just as the right front wheel began running over him.
'Crackle snap pop!' went Frodo's spine. He tried to roll out of the way, but wasn't fast enough, and the second wheel hit him.
'Pow!' went Frodo's shoulder as it was crushed to bits.
"Oh, crap!" exclaimed Gandalf. "I'd better go back for him!"
He quickly stopped the carriage, and put his horse in reverse.
"Unnnghnn!" commented Frodo as he tried to claw his way out of the vehicle's path.
'Squish!' went Frodo's ribcage as the rear wheel went back over him.
'Bang!' went Frodo's pelvis as the next wheel snapped it into three pieces.
'Snap!' went Frodo's arms and legs as the horse stepped on them.
Gandalf jumped down next to the mutilated body of Frodo Baggins, stopped too late, and stepped on his face.
"Oh, shit," said Gandalf. "I'm going to get it now!"
"Bllllllehhhhh," replied Frodo, as blood leaked out his nose.
Luckily, Gandalf was a wizard, and wizards know a lot of stuff. So, he set Frodo's bones and put him in a nice comfy new body cast. Then he tossed him up into the carriage next to the explosives he had brought for Bilbo's party.
"Yrryrrk," said Frodo discontentedly.
As they rode into town, several hobbits took notice.
"Hey, what is that on Frodo?" commented one hobbit suspiciously.
"Uhhhhh...a super wizard fun suit?" ventured Gandalf. The hobbit shook his head. Not angry. Just disappointed.
When they got to Bag End, Gandalf grabbed Frodo and carried him up to the door. He tried to open it, but it was stuck, so he was forced to use Frodo as a battering ram. Once inside, he carefully leaned Frodo up against the wall in the hall closet, and quietly shut both doors.
"Hnnnhhh," complained Frodo.
"Quiet, you," said Mr. Peabody, before exploding and leaving a large greasy spot on the floor.
"Bilbo Baggins! Are you here?!" boomed Gandalf inappropriately loudly.
"No!" answered Bilbo.
"All right then," said Gandalf, as he started in on Bilbo's larder and stash of pipe weed.
Two hours later, Bilbo arrived home, along with Frodo, who was quite healthy.
"Bilbo," sighed Gandalf, after peeking in the closet, "Did you know that there's some sort of horrible dimensional rift in your house?"
"Yes," said Bilbo, "Isn't it great? Sometimes it gives me extra food."
Just then, the chandelier fell, crushing Gandalf to death instantly.
"MMMMHHHMMFFF!" came a horrible noise from the closet.
"Oh, it's another one of those horrible clones from another dimension that keep showing up," muttered Bilbo after he had seen what was in among his coats and umbrellas. "Check it out, Frodo, it looks like you, only retarded."
"Blllreeeeehhhhh," said Injured Clone Frodo (With Amazing Drooling Action!).
"Well, it looks like the universe has chosen to give us this instead of dinner tonight," sighed Bilbo. "Ah well. Go get the sausage grinder. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade!"
Later that night, at Bilbo's party, Gandalf was talking to his hobbit friends.
"Wow, Bilbo, this is the best sausage I've ever had!" commented Gandalf. "But...what's this?" he asked, fishing out from the sausage plate the tip of a wizard's hat and a piece of hobbit-made cloth.
"Um," said Frodo, "It's uh...a garnish."
An explosion rocked the ground, and Frodo turned his head to look at it. Upon seeing it was nothing to be concerned about, he completed the turn, bringing his head around to face Gandalf after a full three hundred sixty degrees.
Gandalf blinked twice and walked over to where the explosion had been. Two mischievous hobbits had been at the center of the prank, but now they were around the edges, in many pieces.
"Wow," commented Merry, as he and Pippin surveyed the carnage. "I'm sure glad that wasn't us."
"Yeah," said Pippin. "And we were just about to come over and start blowing stuff up, too."
Just then, Bilbo stood up on a keg and called for everyone's attention.
"I peed my pants," said Bilbo. "So now I have to go away forever. I'll never see any of you again, but that's okay, since I really don't like you anyhow." He pulled out the Bra, and strapped it on. "See my sexy boobies!" cried Bilbo, rubbing the cups disgustingly.
"Oh God no!" cried everyone, looking away. (Yes, they all cried it. They're psychically linked.)
When they dared to look back at where Bilbo had been a few minutes earlier, he was gone, and they puzzled over his disappearance, for their minds had automatically deleted the scene from their memory. In time, they forgot he had ever existed, and the only trace left of him was in children's tales, where he appeared as a great and purple monster that ate puppies.
Commercial Break. Fetch your popcorn or suffer.
A family of filthy hillbillies sat at home, enjoying their dinner. The family consisted of a boy and his father.
"Pa, this here duck is all stringy and hard to eat!" complained the Boy.
"What are you talking bout, Boy?" objected his Pa. "I went and shot that duck today mahself! I done shot it good, too, fifteen times!"
"I know, Pa," sniffled the Boy. "It's awful hard to eat it, with all these bits of metal stuck everywhere."
"Just eat around the bullets, son," advised his Pa.
"Pa, all this lead makes the duck taste like the shed out back!" whined the Boy.
"You been lickin mah shed, Boy?" inquired his Pa suspiciously.
"Yes, Pa." admitted the Boy, ashamed of himself.
"Has this ever happened to you?" inquired a mysterious voice from nowhere. "Well, come on down to Leonard's Duck Shot Removal plant, and we'll solve all your duckfull problems! See our patented duck purification process!"
A hillbilly dumped the tattered remains of a duck into a paper shredder, which ground it up. Then, the result tumbled into a pot of hot and filthy water, the lead sank to the bottom, and the "meat" was fished out with a pool skimmer, along with several cockroaches that had fallen in and died.
The Boy and his Pa now ate piles of flakes of burned meat.
"Pa, this duck tastes like shit!" shouted the Boy angrily.
"Just keep eating, son," counselled his Pa.
"And remember," smiled the voice invisibly, "Leonard's gets the lead out!"
Gandalf stood in the living room back at Bag End.
"You think you're really clever, don't you?" he asked, looking up at Bilbo.
Or, rather, at Bilbo's head, which was kept aloft by a steady torrent of blood gushing up from the neck of his body at phenomenal speed. Gandalf sighed, and kicked the body over, causing the head to lose its delicate balance, topple from its position high in the air, and roll into the fire.
"Why yes, yes I do," replied Bilbo, coming out of the kitchen with a tray of scones. Blood continued to issue from the corpse, washing across the floor in morbid little waves.
"I kill kill urrgrhhhrgghhhhrhhhh kill kill!" cried the head in the fire.
"Ugh. This place is wearing me down Gandalf," sighed Bilbo. "I feel thin, like butter scraped over too much bread."
"I daresay your bread has more than enough butter," commented Gandalf, looking at the scones. Bilbo followed his gaze, and found that they were suddenly dripping with globs of lard.
"You see what I have to put up with?!" he groaned, chucking the tray into the fireplace. The scones crawled up onto the severed head, bored through the eyeballs, and created a new hive in it. "This is exactly why I want to leave!"
"Well, leave, then," said Gandalf. "But give it all to Frodo. It'll be funny."
"Even my...Bra?"
"After what you did tonight, I don't think it's a good idea to let you have that," rumbled Gandalf. "So yes."
"All right then," said Bilbo, grabbing up his bag and heading out the door.
"Bilbo..." said Gandalf, carefully averting his eyes. "You're still wearing the Bra."
"Why, it seems that I am," said Bilbo in mock surprise. "But...it's so snuggly comfy, and gives such great support...I think I'll keep it."
Gandalf commenced beating Bilbo over the head with his staff.
"Okay, I give!" cried Bilbo, taking the accursed lingerie off and tossing it on the floor. He stepped out onto the path.
"Oh, I thought up an ending for my book," said Bilbo, looking back at Gandalf. "'And he screwed many donkeys, until his donkey lust was satisfied.'"
"I'm sure you will, Bilbo," said Gandalf sentimentally.
Frodo arrived half an hour later, to find Gandalf sitting on the front porch.
"Gandalf," said Frodo, "Why are you sitting on my front porch?"
"I couldn't stand it in there any more," muttered Gandalf.
Another Gandalf poked his head out the window.
"I've got some lovely potatoes," it said. "Why don't you like me?"
"Hallo!" said another Gandalf, sticking its head out of another window. "I've got chronometers for sale!"
"Oi," said yet another Gandalf, popping out of a window that had not previously been there, "I've got some heads!"
"How ya doin?" said all the Gandalf heads crammed in the net it was waving at them.
"Well, anyway," said the one true Gandalf to Frodo, "Bilbo's run off and the house and all his money are yours now. But, if you want the money, you have to live in the house, and if you don't spend at least a month in it, it's a ten million dollar fine."
"But why?" sobbed Frodo, shrinking away from the horror that was now his to deal with.
"Because I think it's funny," said Gandalf. "Anyway, I'm going to leave now, and go chase hookers for a couple of years. Ta."
Gandalf walked off into the night, leaving Frodo all alone in front of his not so funhouse.
"Ooo, a sleepover," commented one of the apparition Gandalfs. "We'll do makeovers!"