Warning: utter and complete stupidity/randomness…I make fun of everyone in this fic, including ::gasp:: Legolas!!! don't be fooled, I really do love him!!!

Kittens vs. Elves

'900...902...904.…finally, 906 Middle Earth Dr....' muttered Legolas to himself as he power walked into a rather dilapidated looking business building.

The frustrated Elf cursed aloud as he searched for room number 57, tripping in a very un-elflike manner over loose planks, garbage and the occasional bum sprawled across the floor.

He finally came across two rooms, side by side, which each had numbers that could pass as the number 57 painted onto the door. He stood between them, seriously contemplating his decision while stroking his chin and raising one eyebrow. Everyone knows that doing so expedites the thought process.

His eyes mimicked that stereotypical cat clock, you know the black one with the tail that wags and the eyes that move from side to side? Yeeess…that one….but continuing with the story…Legolas' deliboration was quite rudely interrupted when Haldir stuck his head out of the door on the left and screamed, "For the love of paste, Legolas, can't you read the freakin sign?!!"

Ignoring Haldir's obvious displeasure, Legolas turned his attention to a fluorescent orange sign when flashing lights around the edge which read: IMPORTANT MEETING FOR ELVES IN THIS ROOM…ALL ELVES COME HERE…THIS MEANS YOU LEGOLAS!!

"Hmm…you would think they would make something like that a little more obvious, wouldn't you?" asked Legolas of Haldir.

Haldir shook his head softly before shuddering and turning back to his seat.

Legolas followed the Lorien elf into the conference room and greeted the other elves there before moving to sit by his father…the king…just making sure you know…

Besides Legolas, Haldir and Thranduil…the king…, Galadriel, Celeborn, Elrond and Arwen were also sitting around a large rectangular table with a large plate of beautifully decorated sugar cookies placed in the middle. The elves made small talk for a while, Elrond eyeing the plate of cookies, longing and frustration evident in his expression, and Thranduil…the king…stroking the bag of gold and jewels he always carried with him, even to the bathroom, while Arwen laughed hysterically to herself. What the hell are they doing there, you ask? don't be so impatient!!…

The small talk, longing, stroking and maniacal laughter were quickly interrupted by the entrance of a young human girl with a scientific personage, right down to the undeniably essential white lab coat and glasses. She had quite a serious demeanor and ignored the greetings from the elves sitting at the table.

Standing at the front of the room, the aspiring scientist waited for the chatter to die down before she began her speech.

"Now, you are all likely wondering why I called you here today…"

"No," interrupted Galadriel, "You want to share the results of the experiment."

Sighing and rolling her eyes dramatically, the 'scientist' said sarcastically, "Thank you, Galadriel."

"Glad to be of service," replied the elf-witch with a small salute.

"As Galadriel said…"

"Oh Nikki," said Celeborn, stretching his hand high in the air and waving it anxiously.

Stomping her foot on the floor childishly, the scientist said "I told you! Call me Dr. Nikki!! I'm in my scientist outfit!!"

"Well, yes," began Celeborn, "but you're not a real doctor."

"Well the outfit is real."

"No it's not, you don't even wear glasses. You don't even have lenses in those babies."

Sighing once more, the scientist, who may be fake but is nonetheless lacking in imagination, said with a pout "Well thank you for ruining my fun, Captain Obvious."

Borrowing the salute from Galadriel, Celeborn said "No problemo."

Cue the hysterical laughter from a certain annoying Imladris Elf maiden.

"Come on, get on with it," said Haldir impatiently, "The last horse leaving from here to Lorien is taking off in less than an hour."

"You know, someone really needs to invent the car already," said Legolas.

"Yes, but unfortunately that won't happen for many, many years, Legolas dear," said Galadriel

"And yet we have street addresses, bums and office buildings…curious," muttered Thranduil.

Cue the chin stroking and eyebrow lifting of all. Celeborn watched Elrond out of the corner of his eye. He had always been jealous of that elf's eyebrow lifting abilities. It just wasn't fair…

"okay okay okay," said Dr. Nikki ( ::giggle::giggle:: ) "Maggee, if you would be so kind…"

An absolutely *adorable* kitten, really the cutest, sweetest, most loyal kitten you have *ever* seen, popped up behind the control desk in the back of the room and pressed the button to lower the computer screen…

"oooooo…ahhhh"

"Thank you kitty-face, now if you could please play my power-point presentation…"

The kitten then began the program, shes very advanced, you know…

Pointing to the first slide with her nifty laser pointer, amid the ooo's and ahh's of her audience, the scientist said, "This is the first slide. As you can see, it is a graph with many lines of different colors. Some are thin and some are not."

"oooo"

"Look at the colors…"

"But what does it mean?"

"Well," said the scientist thoughtfully, "Not much really…I made them up on my way over here."

"oh."

"Second slide, please!"

"ooooo!"

"Now this slide is a picture of my last vacation to Kings Canyon. This is me in front of a very large tree."

"Yes that is a very large tree…" said Thranduil…the king…conspiringly to his son, who nodded deeply. A very large tree indeed. Oh the possibilities…

"Elrond!" yelled the scientist as she turned the lights back on. The forenamed elf lord had taken advantage of the darkness to pounce upon the plate of cookies and feast upon the spoils of his hunting. "Those cookies were for everyone! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Glancing around to the not very pleasant faces in the room (who would be pleasant after being robbed of the opportunity to feast upon cookies? Well…Arwen was laughing, but shes just odd) Elrond allowed his face to become very serious and made what sounded to be a very sincere apology. Of course, it would have come across much more sincere if he hadn't had pink frosting and multi-colored sprinkles plastered across his face.

Taking his attention off of his crumb-ridden son-in-law and turning to the 'scientist', Celeborn said, "Now what exactly were those slides meant to prove?"

"Duh, Celeborn," said the scientist laughingly, "There weren't supposed to mean anything. I just like messing around with powerpoint."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Ok, what I really wanted to say is this:…Galadriel don't say anything!" screeched Dr. Nikki as she saw Galadriel opening her mouth.

"The results of the experiment are in: Cats are, on average, much much MUCH better pets then elves."

Yells of protest rang around the room as the elves argued that the results had been falsified…the scientist was biased…while Maggee the cuteness sat smugly behind the computer desk, her little arms crossed across her little kitty chest.

"We demand to know on which grounds you came up with this decision," said Haldir hotly.

"yes yes…we at least deserve that," was the general consensus of the other elves.

"Very well, I am only too glad to tell you," began the scientist.

"First of all, you all know that you each came to live with me for a week so that I could observe what it would be like to have an elf for a pet."

Nods from the elf crowd around the room…giggles from Arwen.

"Well I took notes from that experience…well okay I didn't take notes, but I remember how you guys behaved and I made this list…" rummaging through a briefcase that suddenly appeared on the table in front of her.

"Here it is…" said Dr. Nikki triumphantly as she held up a piece of flowery stationary.

"Okay…Reason number 1 for why cats are better pets than elves...

1. Cats do not tell you how the season finale of their favorite TV show is going to end…

"I told you I was sorry about that," mumbled Galadriel "Sheesh…way to hold a grudge…"

"If I may continue…"

2. Cats only eat the cat food that you put in their dish. They do not, therefore, eat every single scrap of food in your house (even last years Halloween candy that you had hidden in your drawer of unmentionables) in addition to the cat food…

"You even ate the cat food Elrond?" asked Thranduil…the king…in a disgusted tone, voicing the question of every other elf in the room.

Sobbing and throwing his head into his folded arms on the table, Elrond wailed, "I thought it was tuna flavored cereal!!! And it tasted so gooooooood!!""

Haldir and Legolas shared a worried glance before sadly shaking their heads. Neither would ever look at the lord of Imladris the same way again.

3. Cats do not ever EVER laugh, giggle, guffaw, or chortle. EVER!!

All eyes swiveled to Arwen, who was clutching her mouth, her eyes alight with mirth. She eventually couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out in loud and ear ringing hoots of amusement.

"Arwen…" began Legolas, "What exactly are you laughing at?"

"I…::giggle::….don't….::giggle::…know!!!"

Shaking her head with bewilderment, the scientist muttered quietly to herself, "Sometimes I just don't understand…"

"What was that?" asked Haldir.

"Which brings me to number 4..."

4. Cats, even if they did hear everything you said, could not eavesdrop on private conversations and then blab the details of that conversation to other cats and/or humans…

Intense glare at Haldir…

"Hey its not my fault you talk about your secret crushes in front of everyone."

"In front of everyone?! I was hiding in my closet under a pile of clothes and stuffed animals!!"

"As I said…in plain sight…"

The scientist simply continued to sigh as the elves broke into a rendition of "David and Dr. Nikki, sitting in a tree….K I S S I N G!!!…

"Stop it!!""

"First comes love!!"

"Stoooooopppp!!!!"

"Then comes marriage!!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

"Then comes David with a bay-bee carraige!!"

Shaking with unbridled fury as the elves giggled behind their hands, well all but Arwen who had fallen out of her chair and was holding her sides, gasping for breath by that time, Dr. Nikki attempted to collect herself so that she might continue without killing any not so innocent elves.

"Number five…" hissed Dr. Nikki between stiff lips.

5. Cats can groom and clean themselves wherever and whenever and monopolize no time whatsoever in the bathroom…

"Its not my fault you signed up for a 7 a.m. French class, now is it?" said Legolas, knowing full well that number five was meant for him.

"Nooooo," agreed Dr. Nikki, "But it IS your fault that you get in the shower at 5 in the morning and don't get out until noon!!!"

"Dr. Nikki, Dr. Nikki, Dr. Nikki…it is my belief that showers and/or baths should never, and I mean never be rushed….it is a very delicate process…a blending of shampoos and conditioners…a time for making decision between loofas or wash clothes…"

"Oh, always go for the loofa," advised Celeborn, his wife nodding agreeably behind him.

"No, I have to disagree," said Haldir, "There are occasions for which a wash cloth serves best…"

"Name one…"

"Enough, enough!! That's beside the point. Look, I'm almost done. Can I just please finish?"

Celeborn and Haldir each nodded slowly but continued to eye the other wearily. One could never be too certain with those loofa maniacs…

6. Cats will never notice or point out the obvious mistakes and problems with you, your family, your friends, your room, your class schedule, your homework, the way you hold chopsticks, the way you drink from a straw…etc etc…

"He he he, who does that?" asked Celeborn with a laugh.

The others simply looked at each other with expressions that clearly said, 'is this dude frills?'

"umm," said Dr. Nikki, "Moving on…"

"no, really, who is that?"

7. Cats do not have money and/or jewels and will never insult you because you have a lack thereof and will not call you…

"Peasant!!" yelled Thranduil…the king…gleefully from across the room as he threw a gold coin at the scientist's forehead.

"Thranduil…the king…how many times do I have to tell you?!!! Don't throw gold coins as my head and call me peasant!!"

"Peasant!!" yelled the elven-king once more but this time threw a large ruby instead.

Sigh, 'at least he's learning…'

"Well now do you all believe me at least?"

"Yes, unfortunately we do," Galadriel said on behalf of the entire group. "It's painfully obvious that cats are much better pets. In fact, we have decided that WE want a cat. We want that cat!!" All of the elves turned in their seats and bounded over to ::gasp:: the precious Maggee!!

"No!" yelled the scientist, stomping her foot again, "That is MY cat and you cannot have her!!"

Ignoring the annoying human at the front of the room, the elves turned their attention to the kitten and beguiled the innocent creature with their oh-so-mystical elf-like ways.

"You can have ALL the food you want!! Tuna falvored cereal!!"

"We can ::snort:: all ::guffaw:: have really ::giggle:: good times ::laugh:: together!!"

"You can have gold and jewels!! Not a peasant!!"

'hmm…' thought Maggee, stroking her kitty chin thoughtfully. 'what's there to think about?'

"meow meow meow meow!!"

The elves rejoiced, singing and dancing at the kitty's decision to join their merry clan.

The scientist's jaw dropped as she said, "You understood what she said?"

"Of course, silly wanna-be scientist. She *obviously* speaks elvish."

"Come now kitty, let us take you to our tree-top lair and lavish you with food and riches."

Without so much as a backwards glance at the poor dejected scientist, the kitty and the elves marched of to the tree-top lair and lived happily ever after, leaving the poor dejected wannabe scientist to grovel in defeat and miss the evil kitten who left her for gold and riches….

"Kitten….how have you forsaken meeeeeeeee?!!!!! Whhhhhhhhhyyyyy??"

"Duh," said a bum who happened to be passing by, "For gold and riches."

"Oh yeah…hey aren't you the guy who played Screech on Saved by the Bell?"

"Yeah that was me."

"How did you get here?"

"You don't wanna know."

"umm…ooookay…wanna go grovel in defeat at McDonalds? We can get apple pies and diet coke!"

"Sure…"

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Wow….what a spew of dumb-ness….if you must flame….go ahead…it was pretty stupid….he he he but it was fun to write…believe it or not I have ideas for fics to add onto this…if you're interested just review!! Oh yeah, and to anyone who is reading Ancient Alliances Reborn, fear not I'm gonna post it very very very soon!!! Within the next few days so be on the look out!! K laterz!!