Howdy ho folks…wow I dunno why I wrote this…its currently nearly 3 in the morning…eh…read and review!!!
The Laughing Lady and The Lost King of Men: A Match Made in Valinor
"Oh, your Highness!" called the entry-level servant as he searched, a large stack of mail in hand, for the missing prince. You would think the servants would be used to this task by now, as their acting leader had taken to hiding ever since she had come to lovely Lasgalen. But that Legolas was a darn good hider.
"Where oh where has my little prince gone?
Where oh where can he be?
Hum hum hum
Are there any more words to this song?
Where oh where can he be?" sang the servant in a nasal voice, bowing slightly to the ringing applause around the hall before continuing his search
"Sooooooooiiiiieeeeeeeee!" cried the servant, getting desperate after hours of an involuntary game of Hide and Go Seek.
"Are you still looking for the prince?" asked the palace laundress as she walked down the large hall.
::sigh:: "Yes"
"Well I was just putting away his freshly laundered tunics, which smell like a summer breeze according the box of softener I have been using, but I really don't get how a breeze smells like anything as its only wind…"
Groaning, the servant (who we'll affectionately call Bob for now), Bob, thought to himself, 'Just my luck…the only help I get is from the old windbag laundry lady herself…'
"Dear lady," interrupted dear ole Bob after listening to the laundress for half and hour, "what exactly was the point of all this?"
"well!" cried the laundress, very offended, "Aren't we snippy today? I just wanted to help you. Is this the thanks I get for trying to help a fellow servant?" her eyes began to not only fill with tears but the said tears began to spill over her cheeks and onto the floor.
"Im, uh, sorry…please…don't cry…" said Bob awkwardly, patting her back clumsily and looking around for anyone on whom he could dump the blubbering maiden.
"He's hiding in his stupid trunk, now leave me alone!" cried (literally) the lady before dumping her quite full basket of laundry over flustered Bob's head.
Bob stood in the hall for a while, a pair of the prince's dirty underwear on his head and a filthy sock on his shoulder, contemplating the benefits in asking to be reassigned as a horse poop cleaner guy, before bounding off to the prince's apartment.
"Your highness?" asked Bob slowly, sticking his head into the room cautiously.
"Prince Legolas?"
Making his way to the Prince's trunk in one of his closets, Bob slowly lifted the trunk lid with an eerie crrreaaakk….
"noooooooooooooooooo…." screeched Legolas from his postion huddled at the bottom of the trunk, one arm firmly grasping a dilapidated looking stuffed wolf.
"The liiiiiiiiiigggghhhhhhtttt…." screeched Legolas once more, a wild look in his eye. "The light will bring heeeeeeeeerrrrr…." lowering his voice suddenly, the prince reached out and grabbed Bob's shirt, pulling the servant so that he was partially in the box as well, "she mustn't find me…she wants…::sob:: she wants to….marry me!" whispered Legolas in a horrified voice.
"Now, now, your highness, you're a big elf now, you needn't marry anyone you don't wish to," said Bob consolingly, as he eased Legolas from the trunk.
Slowing unfolding himself and taking the letters from Bob, Legolas smothered a sob and said, "That's what I thought too…but im telling you! She's relentless…and she fights dirty!"
"yes, of course she does," crooned Bob, steering the prince toward his favorite seat by the window.
Legolas accepted a glass of water from Bob and quickly went through the mail…
"junk…junk…the Ladies of Lothlorien ::cough:: its not mine, really, must be adas…really…really…"
"of course, my lord," said Bob, rolling his eyes as Legolas stuffed the magazine into a drawer.
"What's this… 'You have just won a million gold coins'? Pssh as if I need a million more gold coins…Ahh a reply from ada!"
Breaking the seal with a jewel-encrusted letter opener, Legolas scanned the letter and groaned loudly.
"Trouble, Prince Legolas?" inquired the servant
"ugh…here read for yourself," muttered Legolas, passing the piece of parchment to Bob as he went to pour himself a large glass of wine.
"Dear Son," read Bob, " The ::ahem:: business of which you are aware…dealing with you-know-what in you-know-where has proven to be…err…more difficult than we had anticipated. I'm afraid I won't be home for several more months…but don't worry, I'm sure everything will work out between you and Arwen. It might help to know that a marriage between Imladris and Eryn Lasgalen would be most profitable ::hint::hint:: She is quite a looker after all… Love, Adar"
"I had hoped that the ::cough:: business would be taken care of by now and ada would be home soon," muttered Legolas, drowning himself in an ornate goblet.
"But your highness, it doesn't seem that your adar would try to stop a marriage between Arwen and yourself in any way. On the contrary he sounds quite pleased."
"Well, I wasn't so much hoping that he would stop the wedding, but rather that Arwen would take a liking to him and should one thing lead to another…."
"My lord, are you suggesting that the king would marry Elrond's daughter?!"
"Why not?" asked Legolas with a shrug
"Well, I doubt your mother would be overly pleased should her husband arrive in Valinor with another maiden on his arm."
"WELL I wouldn't tell her!"
"I think she might figure it out eventually my prince."
"Well it doesn't matter now…I'll just have to figure something else out…" the prince was interrupted as music to the song "I Got Chills" from Greece, began to stream into the room…
"uh oh…its her," cried the prince as Arwen, decked out in black leather appeared in the doorway and strutted closer toward the frightened prince with every verse.
"I got the laughs
::giggle::
They're multiplying
::laugh::
And im looooooooosing control
::snort::
Cuz the spell you placed
::guffaw::
Its electrifying!
::chortle::
You better shape up
::and so on::
Cuz I need someone
::and so on::
And my heart is set on you
::and so on::
Better shape up
::do you get the picture?::
Better understand
::she laughs a lot::
To my heart I must be true
::a lot::
You're the one that I want
::so im gnna stop now::
Hoo hoo hoo honey!
The one I neeeed
Oh yes indeeed
By the time she got to this part of the song, she was right in front of her prey. As always, she grabbed him and started dancing manically around the large room.
If you're filled with affection
Youre to shy to convey
Meditate in my direction
Feel your way….
"ARWEEEEEN!" cried Legolas, wrenching his hand out of her vice like grip
"Stop!"
"Don't you like ::giggle:: my song, Leggy?" crooned Arwen, pouting and making the oh so effective puppy dog eyes.
"1) No
2) you're butchering that song
3) Your heart doesn't want me…im just the only one here…."
"So ::giggle::? Read the ::laugh:: words of the ::chortle:: song…you ::snicker:: put this freakin ::ha!:: spell on me! Don't you think ::snicker:: that you owe ::he he he:: me something?
"That's why you're staying here!"
"No! that's just ::tee hee hee:: your punishment. You know ::hoot:: what the book said ::cackle::! I can either ::ha ha ha:: wait for the spell ::laugh:: which you put ::snort:: on me may I ::guffaw:: mention," added Arwen pointedly, to which Legolas simply rolled his eyes.
"OR, I can ::chuckle:: get married ::he he he:: to someone of ::laugh:: royalty. That means ::he he he:: you!"
"What about Elladan?"
"He's my ::snicker:: brother"
"Elrohir?"
"::he he he:: brother…and we're not ::laugh:: technically ::snort:: royalty."
"My adar?" asked Legolas hopefully
"Ewwwwwww! That would be ::snort:: like marrying :: guffaw:: my adar."
"But Arwen, I don't wanna marry you!" whined Legolas, stomping his foot.
"Well then go ::ha ha ha:: find me a ::snicker:: prince."
"Where do you go to find a prince?"
"Don't you think ::ha ha ha ha::…"
"No, not generally speaking."
"You ::he he he:: didn't let me ::laugh:: finish!"
"Well you take so long to say everything."
"That's mean ::chuckle:: if I weren't ::ha ha ha:: always laughing ::guffaw:: I would be crying ::hoot:: right now…Its not even ::laugh:: my fault!" cried Arwen, tears streaming down her face, though whether from sadness or mirth is for anyone to say. The elven princess (or the equivalent thereof) turned and dramatically threw herself across Legolas bed.
Sighing heavily and sitting on the side of the bed, as near to Arwen as he dared to get since that time she tried to lasso him, "Alright, I'm sorry. Please continue."
Sitting up happily, Arwen said "Well, I was ::laugh:: just saying ::ha ha ha:: that if I knew where ::tee hee:: to find princes ::snort:: I would ::cackle:: be there. As far ::snicker:: as I ::chuckle:: know you're ::he he he:: the only ::giggle:: elven prince ::chuckle:: outside of ::hoot:: Valinor!"
Frowning slightly, Legolas asked, "Arwen, is it just me or is your laughing getting worse?"
Screeching with laughter and holding her sides, Arwen could only nod 'yes' as she rolled back and forth on the bed. Legolas simply watched these goings on curiously, holding his chin thoughtfully and wondering what he would have for dinner.
"HELP ::CHUCKLE LAUGH GUFFAW:: MEEEEEEEEE!" cried Arwen as she rolled off the bed and onto the wooden floor with a loud thump. Legolas ran to the maiden's side and gently cradled her in his arms.
"Go, ::he he he:: Lego-::ha::-las! Go ::he he he:: find ::chortle:: me ::tee hee:: a ::hoot:: prince!!!!!"
Dropping Arwen with another even louder thump, Legolas jumped to his feet and ran to the stables, chased by the horrifying echoes of Arwen's grating laugh.
"This doesn't look much like Gondor," thought Aragorn to himself as he took in his surroundings.
Trees…yes there were lots of those…some squirrels…couple of flowers…more trees….lots of foresty things…and what were those pointy things? Oh yes, those would be arrows…and where those things at the end of the arrows? Oh yes, those would be elves…umm…oops?
"Who are you and why do you intrude upon our woods?" said a dangerous looking blonde elf as he stepped in front of the other elves. Legolas had been riding towards wherever one finds a prince for several hours before the elves currently on guard caught up with him. He had refused to go back to her until he had found her a suitable mate ( no matter what they bribed him with) so they had decided to tag along and try to prevent another "event". Oy, that was a headache…
Lifting his head regally, Aragorn said gravely, trying to hide the fear that made him want to pee his pants, " I am…"
"Who are you?!"
"I am…"
"Who are you?!"
"I am…"
"Who are you?!"
"I'm Aragorn!!!"
"Aragorn?"
"yes."
"Are you sure?"
"quite"
"hmm…"
"You know…Aragorn, the Lost King of Men?" said Aragorn proudly, not a little frustrated and hurt with this young-looking elf.
"Lost?"
"Frightfully so…"
"Lost in which way?"
"….how many ways are there?"
"mmm…as far as I know about 14"
"eh?"
"yes…you know you could be lost….or lost…or lost…or lost…or…"
"is this a trick question?"
"he he he maaaaaybe," said Legolas in a sing-songy voice, rocking on his heels.
Tears filled his eyes as Aragorn pouted at the tittering of the elves around him, who always enjoyed when the prince messed with travelers. Although it hadn't been that fun when the traveler turned out to be Lady Galadriel ::shudder:: Legolas didn't speak for a week…
Moving to sit on a tree stump a few feet to his right, Aragorn dropped his head into his hands and sobbed loudly, to the bewilderment of all the elves present.
"Erm…whats wrong?" asked Legolas awkwardly, he never knew what to do when someone was crying, especially when that someone was a fully grown man.
"Y-you're all l-laughing a-a-a-at meeeeeeee!" cried Aragorn into his hands, his hunched over shoulders shaking convulsively.
"We're not laughing at you, Aragorn, are we?" asked Legolas with a pointed look at the ring of warriors, who all shook their heads, willing to say anything that would make the man stop his blubbering.
"No, never"
"laugh? Us? No!"
Sniffing loudly, Aragorn looked up at Legolas and meekly asked " Really?"
"Of course we weren't," said Legolas, pulling a lacy pink hanky out of his pocket and handing it to Aragorn.
Aragorn thanked the elf and then promptly started another bout of wailing, burying his face into the crook of his arm.
"Now whats wrong?" asked Legolas worriedly.
"I t-told you! I'm l-l-l-loooooooooost!" howled the man.
"Um, maybe we can help you. Where are you trying to go?"
His eyes shining with hope, Aragorn turned to Legolas and, with one last sniff said "Really? Geez, that would be great. I've been trying to find Gondor all my life!"
"Did you try MapQuest?"
"eh?"
"Nevermind. If it won't make you cry some more, do you mind telling us why you're trying to find Gondor?" asked Legolas delicately
"I told you, I'm the lost King of men."
"Ahh I see….waaaaaaiiit!," cried Legolas, doing a double take, "….did you say king?"
"Yes," sniffled Aragorn as he wiped his drippy nose.
"Now," began Legolas as he paced around Aragorn's stump, "Would you call yourself 'royalty?"
Thinking to himself for a few minutes, Aragorn finally said, "Yes. Yes I would."
"Excellent," said Legolas, rubbing his hands together Mr. Burns style. He pulled one of the warriors to his side and, as music began to play softly, he sang:
Legolas: "Le Foo I'm afraid I've been thinking.."
Le Foo: "A dangerous past-time…"
Legolas: "I know
"The wheels in my head have been turning since I looked at the soggy young man
"See I promised myself I wouldn't marry that elf
"And now I'm evolving a plaaaaaaaan!!!
(whispering in Le Foo's ear)
Le Foo:"But he!"
(more whispering)
Le Foo: "Would she?"
Leogolas: "Yes!"
Le Foo: "Now I get it!"
Both: Lets go!!!
All elves:
No….one…plots like the prince
Takes cheap shots like the prince
Legolas: Plans to persecute harmless cry-babies like the prince
All elves:
And soon his wedding we will NOT be cel-e-brat-innnng…
My What A Guy!!!
Thhhhhhhhheeeee Prince!!!
As the music ended the elves stood with their arms in the air, chests heaving heavily.
"eh?"
"Nice singing, my lord," said 'Le Foo'
"Thanks! Now, grab the man…"
Before Aragorn even knew what was happening, the elves had tied him up and he found himself tossed over the shoulder of one. All he could do was wriggle as the elves formed a straight line and trotted off towards the palace, singing:
HI HO…HI HO…ITS OFF TO WORK WE GO…::WHISTLE::WHISTLE::WHISTLE::WHISTLE:: HI HO…HI HO…
OH NO!! whats gnna happen to Aragorn? Will he ever make it to Gondor? Will Arwen accept him as her husband? What in the world is Thranduil up to? Tune in next time!!