"I Can't Lose You"

Work: the Lord of the Rings
Genre: Romance/Angst
Characters: Aragorn/Haldir
Rating: PG

Note: This is a slashfic. Not an explicit one, mind you, but it's slash all the same. If you're not into that sort of rough, the "Back" button is only a click away. If you like torturing poor writers, flame. But flames will be showed to all my associates and cackled at as we spew out slash by the minute. Hah!

This fic takes some dialogue from the PJ movie "The Fellowship of the Ring." And I don't own any of this stuff. If I did, I'd live there and my life wouldn't revolve around a bit of machinery I like to call the computer.

Elvish comes from the Grey Company site, which irritates me a bit. It's made a sort of hybrid Elvish which is neither Sindarin nor Quenya but a mishmash of both. It's not a site for scholars, but for simple fanfictions it works. Translations are given in italics.

Otherwise, enjoy the story!

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Aragorn:

My thoughts were so selfish I was absolutely disgusted with myself. Gandalf was gone; he had died to save us all. Frodo and the hobbits were in tears, Gimli was angry he had not been able to do anything to help the wizard, Boromir stood grieving in silence, and Legolas' brow was furrowed in confusion.

And I was thinking about him.

"We must make for the woods of Lothlórien," I told my companions – now but seven in number. I helped Sam to his feet, mechanically. I knew our only hope was in Lórien, but I dreaded going. Afraid of few things is Aragorn son of Arathorn, but love does strange things to a man. I thought of his fair elvish face and immediately felt guilty – for Gandalf and for Arwen. Had I not pledged myself to her?

Yes, I reminded myself, but you swore your love for him also long ago.

I tried to believe things were different, and could not. I pushed the image of his perfect face, his perfect body, from my mind. But as we walked, my thoughts drifted back to him always, dreading what he might say to me. For an instant, I remembered his tender kisses.

Things I wished I could forget.

I touched Arwen's pendant and remembered her kisses, soft and lingering.

As I said, love does strange things to a man.

.

Haldir:

My company of archers and I waited, hidden in the trees. It was dull work, for few entered Lórien anymore, and less entered at will. Yet it was important work, necessary if we were to keep our home free from the stain of the Shadow. My mind wandered as I stood guard, bringing back to me memories of youth lost, time lost, love lost. All gone.

I began to hear voices, soft and yet considerably audible to my elvish ears. And footsteps, many pairs of feet shuffling through the leafy carpet of the woods. A loud, gravelly, boastful voice rang clear.

"Here's one Dwarf she won't ensnare so easily," it bragged. Dwarf? "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.

I signaled to my archers and we surrounded the company in seconds. The dwarf looked shocked; apparently his senses were not as keen as he would have liked to think.

I could not help but remark, "The Dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark."

And then I saw him. Elessar, whom I had once held, whom I still loved. But I made myself tell him, "You can go no further." Though I would welcome him anywhere, be it land, home, or bed, such were the laws of the wood.

.

Aragorn:

It was painful to see him again. Though he appeared aloof and unconcerned, as is a rather irritating habit among the Elves, I could see veiled longing in his ageless eyes as he looked upon me and led us up into the trees. The hobbits were silent and Boromir looked uneasy.

Haldir surveyed each of us in turn. "Aragorn of the Dúnedain," he said to me in his own tongue. He spoke little more, but brushed gently against me as he passed.

When he still refused to let us pass, we argued in Elvish, for the laws of Lórien prevented him from allowing us to enter Caras Galadhon. His tone revealed nothing of our past, though he stared intently at me with those beautiful eyes. I beseeched him to let us enter, feeling guilty when he finally consented. There could be nothing more between us; it would be cruel to let him believe it could be so.

.

Haldir:

Few knew of our past – Aragorn, myself, and the Lady Galadriel who knows all. I meant to keep it that way, so I was careful to keep my composure. On the outside, I was emotionless.

But on the inside, I still felt a thrill under his gaze.

Never had I suffered myself to go against his wishes, and so I gave in. I led to company to Caras Galadhon that the Lady of Light might determine their purpose and fate.

When they stood in front of the Lord and Lady, I stepped aside and waited.

.

Aragorn:

Galadriel, the Elf-Queen of the Golden Wood, came slowly down the steps on the arm of her lord. They glowed a blue-white and her hair matched the gold of the fallen mallorn leaves. I bowed my head in reverence and waited for her words.

She did far more than speak.

As Celeborn spoke in his slow insightful manner, the Lady probed into my mind. I could feel her searching my thoughts and then her low voice resonated inside my head.

"Elessar," she began, "your mind is full of heavy thoughts and your heart is troubled and torn. You have enough burdens on your mind without the torments of love. Listen to what your heart tells you; it will tell you what you already know you must do but cannot. Be strong, Elessar, for it will take feats of strength and will not yet challenged in any battle."

Galadriel then bade us rest. I went with the others to a glade where we made camp.

.

Haldir:

As one who knew well of the Lady's gifts, I wondered what she was saying to Aragorn inside his head. She would read his thoughts and give him her wisdom.

Would that I had such an ability, that I might know what was going on in his mind.

Yet I could discern that at least some of her words pertained to me, for once her eyes left Aragorn, his gaze flickered in my direction. And then I heard her clear, sad voice in my own mind.

"Long have I known you, Haldir, and you are not of ill judgment. You must remember, my friend, that what is given can be taken away. No matter how difficult it may prove, you must honor his wishes."

If, Valar forbid, he should deny me, it would prove difficult indeed.

.

Aragorn:

I stood a little ways from the others, staring off into the mellyrn. So quietly he came up alongside me, I would not have heard him until he spoke, even were I not lost in thought.

"Amin merna quen a'lle, Elessar," he said. "Will you not come with me?" [I would speak to you.]

"Amin nauva," I responded, following him away from our camp. He did not look at me until he stopped, at which point he turned, and his face was as hopeful as that of a child – ironic, considering his centuries of life. [I will.]

He began to speak, and our conversation lapsed between Elvish and Westron.

"Elessar, you know why I have asked you here," he said. "Do you not?"

"I know full well," I returned, "And I know what you would say."

He smiled, and I struggled to remember that I must hold to the Lady's words. "Ar' mani ná tanya?" he asked playfully. [And what would that be?]

"Haldir, mellon nin, it was too long ago. Things change. When last I saw you I was eight and thirty years younger."

"And yet that is the blink of an eye to the Elf-kindred," he said, reaching up to lightly caress my face. "Aragorn, a'maelamin, we were once close. Closer than close," he murmured. "Why are you now so distant?" [My beloved]

His hand brushed my chin and he caught a glint of silver around my neck. He drew out the Evenstar. "I see," he said heavily.

.

Haldir:

Of course I had known of his love for Arwen Undómiel, and yet I had also expected Lord Elrond to be fully against their union. It was a surprise, but not a shock, that Aragorn had pledged himself to her.

"Amin hiraetha," he said softly. [I'm sorry.]

I let my hand fall away. Tears could not come. I would not let them.

"Amin mela lle," I whispered, distraught. [I love you.]

"Voronwer, I cannot return that love." His tone was sorrowful; he was genuinely regretful. [Loyal one.]

"Amin sinta," I said, trying to smile. I failed miserably. [I know.]

He took me by the shoulders, and his voice was soft and serious. "You will find love again."

I leaned in to taste his lips one last time, for his was the only love I had ever, or would ever, desire.

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Well! There you have it! Yes, I know it's a blatant departure from the book; ie: I believe Aragorn was never even in Lothlórien until after meeting and falling in love with Arwen, and then he pledged his love to her in the very forest where Haldir lived... but the thirty-eight years bit was accurate! Lol, I just enjoy this pairing too much. Please review, I'd love to hear your thoughts!