Random Plotless Insanity Chapter Six: "what"-ed? Sex-ed, of course!
"Ah, fourth period. An excellent chance for overbearing, pompous gym teachers with no college education to ruin a full 50 minutes of your life." Bran announced to no one in particular.
"Gym? Who's Gym?" Legolas asked, looking confused.
"Rest your tiny little brain, Larry, or you may fry it," Bran said to the Elven prince.
"Gym is a place, Lego-Larry," Lily said, almost giving Legolas' real name to the crowd of friends that surrounded her, Rose, Snuffy, Commie Dust Bunny, Fredrick Spawn of Moose, Gabrielle, Faye, Gwendolyn, Bran, Sulel, Aragorn, and, of course, Lego himself. Bran shot Lily a harsh look, telling her that she had, clearly noticed the mistake of names.
"Yeah," the ever oblivious, hyper-happy Rose began to prattle on, and Bran, Lily, and the Middle Earth residents were relieved at the change of subject. "Yeah, see our gym is different from others. It's located under the school. They built it that way because there's a maximum-security prison next door. They can't very well send us out to play volleyball with murderers, bank robbers, and deranged, French one-legged prostitutes right over a high voltage fence!"
"Your gym has very... interesting décor," Aragorn commented looking warily at the dank, stone arch that was the ceiling. There were even a few skeletons hanging from it, and it was freaking him out.
"Bran and Snuffy designed it," Fredrick Spawn of Moose commented offhandedly. Sulel glanced at Bran and she shrugged.
"It looks like the catacombs in my backyard."
Snuffy sighed and announced, "C'mon, we're not in regular Phys. Ed. right now. We're in... SEX-ED!"
"WHAT?" Legolas and Sulel yelped at the same moment.
"Yep," Gwendolyn nodded, and suddenly grinned widely, revealing canines that she obviously sharpened. "Whatssamatter, boys? Scared?"
"N-no," both elves stammered, following the crowd into a large room.
It was lined with hundreds of perfectly aligned desks with chisels and stones lying on top. In the front of the room, behind a desk, was a HUGE man, stuffing cream puffs into his mouth incessantly. He managed to say, "desks... books... notes."
Bran sat at a desk, and the others took seats nearby. Immediately, she pulled a textbook from underneath her desk, and opened it to a random page, setting it in front of her. She then picked up her rock and chisel, "Let's start it."
Sulel opened his book and was confronted with a picture of a naked woman. It was done in excruciating detail and had complete and vivid description of the female reproductive system. He screamed shrilly and shut the book with a bang. It echoed throughout the room, bringing all attention to the poor, hyperventilating elf.
"There was a spider?" He offered. Bran patted him on the head and went back to her work.
Distractedly, she said, "I thought you'd be used to them by now..." she paused, flipping the page, "guess not."
Lily snapped her book shut with a squeak. She looked around at the rest of the class. Everyone else ignored her and continued working. Lily looked at the book again, and shoved it off her desk. "I never want to see that again!" She exclaimed.
Lunch
"Well," Lily began, "now the 'food' is even less appetizing. I hate Mondays, they always give me the worst hotdog..." Her hotdog turned and looked at her. That is, it would have been looking at her if it had a face.
"I am deeply offended." It stated simply, "Well, now I have nothing left to live for... farewell cruel world!" The hotdog jumped off the table and died in a puddle of ketchup.
Legolas was about to comment on the hotdog's odd behavior when Bran's French toast sticks got up and charged at Snuffy's fries yelling strange battle cries. Over the small massacre of fries, he asked them why the food was moving. Bran laughed. "It's similar to Dave Barry's theory in his 'Laundry Lust' article." She explained, "Just like the way men's unwashed undershorts grow primitive bacterial feet and arrange themselves in the words 'FOR GOD'S SAKE WASH US', we reckon the food has developed a method of movement." At the glares she received from the males around the table, she said, "Not that I believe the whole undershorts idea..."
"Worm, worm, worm, worm, worm..." a boy said, doing the worm down the hallways.
"Westley never fails." Commie Dust Bunny said shaking her head.
LEGALAN: Sorry about the delay, really, I am... I meant to have this chapter out months ago, and totally forgot it was on my computer, or that it even existed... anyway, enjoy.
MOLLY: Hold about 5 minutes for the next one, and we mean 5 minutes this time
"Ah, fourth period. An excellent chance for overbearing, pompous gym teachers with no college education to ruin a full 50 minutes of your life." Bran announced to no one in particular.
"Gym? Who's Gym?" Legolas asked, looking confused.
"Rest your tiny little brain, Larry, or you may fry it," Bran said to the Elven prince.
"Gym is a place, Lego-Larry," Lily said, almost giving Legolas' real name to the crowd of friends that surrounded her, Rose, Snuffy, Commie Dust Bunny, Fredrick Spawn of Moose, Gabrielle, Faye, Gwendolyn, Bran, Sulel, Aragorn, and, of course, Lego himself. Bran shot Lily a harsh look, telling her that she had, clearly noticed the mistake of names.
"Yeah," the ever oblivious, hyper-happy Rose began to prattle on, and Bran, Lily, and the Middle Earth residents were relieved at the change of subject. "Yeah, see our gym is different from others. It's located under the school. They built it that way because there's a maximum-security prison next door. They can't very well send us out to play volleyball with murderers, bank robbers, and deranged, French one-legged prostitutes right over a high voltage fence!"
"Your gym has very... interesting décor," Aragorn commented looking warily at the dank, stone arch that was the ceiling. There were even a few skeletons hanging from it, and it was freaking him out.
"Bran and Snuffy designed it," Fredrick Spawn of Moose commented offhandedly. Sulel glanced at Bran and she shrugged.
"It looks like the catacombs in my backyard."
Snuffy sighed and announced, "C'mon, we're not in regular Phys. Ed. right now. We're in... SEX-ED!"
"WHAT?" Legolas and Sulel yelped at the same moment.
"Yep," Gwendolyn nodded, and suddenly grinned widely, revealing canines that she obviously sharpened. "Whatssamatter, boys? Scared?"
"N-no," both elves stammered, following the crowd into a large room.
It was lined with hundreds of perfectly aligned desks with chisels and stones lying on top. In the front of the room, behind a desk, was a HUGE man, stuffing cream puffs into his mouth incessantly. He managed to say, "desks... books... notes."
Bran sat at a desk, and the others took seats nearby. Immediately, she pulled a textbook from underneath her desk, and opened it to a random page, setting it in front of her. She then picked up her rock and chisel, "Let's start it."
Sulel opened his book and was confronted with a picture of a naked woman. It was done in excruciating detail and had complete and vivid description of the female reproductive system. He screamed shrilly and shut the book with a bang. It echoed throughout the room, bringing all attention to the poor, hyperventilating elf.
"There was a spider?" He offered. Bran patted him on the head and went back to her work.
Distractedly, she said, "I thought you'd be used to them by now..." she paused, flipping the page, "guess not."
Lily snapped her book shut with a squeak. She looked around at the rest of the class. Everyone else ignored her and continued working. Lily looked at the book again, and shoved it off her desk. "I never want to see that again!" She exclaimed.
Lunch
"Well," Lily began, "now the 'food' is even less appetizing. I hate Mondays, they always give me the worst hotdog..." Her hotdog turned and looked at her. That is, it would have been looking at her if it had a face.
"I am deeply offended." It stated simply, "Well, now I have nothing left to live for... farewell cruel world!" The hotdog jumped off the table and died in a puddle of ketchup.
Legolas was about to comment on the hotdog's odd behavior when Bran's French toast sticks got up and charged at Snuffy's fries yelling strange battle cries. Over the small massacre of fries, he asked them why the food was moving. Bran laughed. "It's similar to Dave Barry's theory in his 'Laundry Lust' article." She explained, "Just like the way men's unwashed undershorts grow primitive bacterial feet and arrange themselves in the words 'FOR GOD'S SAKE WASH US', we reckon the food has developed a method of movement." At the glares she received from the males around the table, she said, "Not that I believe the whole undershorts idea..."
"Worm, worm, worm, worm, worm..." a boy said, doing the worm down the hallways.
"Westley never fails." Commie Dust Bunny said shaking her head.
LEGALAN: Sorry about the delay, really, I am... I meant to have this chapter out months ago, and totally forgot it was on my computer, or that it even existed... anyway, enjoy.
MOLLY: Hold about 5 minutes for the next one, and we mean 5 minutes this time