"Because I am Human"
by Sara Jaye
My first Chobits fic. :D This is based on volume 6 of the manga,
when Yumi is telling Hideki about her relationship with Ueda. Much angst,
spoilers for volumes 1-6.
[Chobits isn't mine, it belongs to CLAMP. I'm just borrowing the characters
for a while.]
-
The hardest part of loving someone is watching them love someone else. Or
in this case, knowing they loved someone else.
When I started working at Chiroru bakery, it was just a part-time job. I
didn't expect to fall in love with the manager.
Hiroyasu Ueda. One of the kindest, most gentle people I've ever met. Even
though I was just a part-timer, he didn't treat me like one. He even taught
me some tricks for baking cookies and cakes. And his modesty made him all
the more endearing. The way he'd blush whenever he had trouble with the
cash register was so cute.
Now that I think about it, I should have expected that I'd fall for him.
You don't find a man as wonderful as he is every day, after all.
I was so happy when I confessed my love, and he told me he felt the same. I
didn't even think about it too much when he said he'd been married before.
Then I found out exactly who he'd been married to.
Not only was she smart, beautiful and willing to give her life for him...
she had my name.
Yumi.
And the kicker? She was a persocon.
After that, I couldn't look at him the same way anymore. If he loved her
enough to marry her, he obviously never stopped loving her. So how could he
have fallen for me? How could he love a mere human like me after loving
perfection?!
Suddenly, I was seized with fear. Fear of him comparing me to his lost
love, secretly thinking I'd never measure up to her. The thought of living
in the shadow of perfection...I couldn't deal with it.
So I did the only thing I could. I quit my job and broke off the
relationship. Naturally, he was upset and confused. He asked me why, and I
didn't want to offend him or make him feel sad by bringing up the subject
of his first wife. So I simply said "I just can't be around you". After I
left, I tried my hardest to forget about him.
But it was no use. As painful as it was to imagine him comparing me to his
persocon while we were together, it hurt even more to be apart from him.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about him. Where I don't miss him so
much my heart feels like it's going to break.
I keep asking myself why he fell in love with me in the first place.
Wondering if I was just a replacement...did he see her face whenever he
looked at me? Hear her voice when I spoke? Think of her whenever he said my
name?
He's not someone to toy with a girl's feelings. I know this. But let's
face it...you never forget your first love. No matter how much time passes,
they remain in your heart until you're old and gray.
No matter how hard I tried, I could never measure up to the perfect being
he loved so much. So I left him.
Now I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I love him so
much it hurts, and I know he loves me. So why can't I just be happy with
that? Why does it have to be such a big issue that he loved someone before
he loved me?
I'm so selfish. My leaving probably hurt him, and I only left because I
didn't want to be "second best" to a persocon. That only proves how
immature and irrational I am...maybe he is better off without me. After
he went through something so painful, he didn't need this...
Why did I have to be so stupid and irrational? If I'd been stronger...if I
could just get over this whole inferiority complex, stop comparing myself
to persocons and deeming myself the loser for not being "perfect"...if only
I'd been more secure, we'd still be together.
But I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't help having these stupid, irrational
feelings. Or any feelings. Everything I do is based on my moods.
Because I'm human.
-End-
Wow, two in a row! :D I actually finished this a while ago, but I
didn't want to post it until I'd proofread it and did whatever editing
needed to be done. But it was worth it, I like how it turned out.