Chapter 1: The Feelings I've Never Felt
/Time and time again, I stand here and wait for him. He isn't even surprised anymore,
although he always seems happy to see me. Am I becoming too predictable/ Hiei mused
to himself, frowning as he let his eyes trace their way through the crowd below. Easily, he
found the red haired youth, smiling and complimenting his way past a sea of dark-haired
girls.
Hiei narrowed his eyes at them and snorted. One of these days, Kurama should just pick
one and put those pining idiots out of their misery. Their feelings were obvious, even to
other humans, which wasn't saying much for those who where actually trying to hide it.
Really, all human's emotions were easy to read without the Jagan, especially in the
envious looks of the boys that the group passed, their eyes filled with venom as they took
in the popular 'Shuuichi'. Not that Kurama didn't have a few male acquaintances as well.
Some harboring little crushes of their own, also quite obviously.
/How can the youko stand it/ Hiei wondered. To arrive every morning and be bombarded
with love letters and pathetic excuses to get close, and sometimes the outright
"Shu-Shuuichi-kun? I was wondering if maybe you would go out with me? I like you so
much!". Hiei made a disgusted face as he tried to imagine having to deal with such things.
This 'school' was bad enough, being held within the same four walls throughout most of
the day, having instructors shove information down your throat. To never be left alone,
constantly watched by some girl's shimmery gaze, would certainly drive Hiei to the point
of madness very quickly.
Hiei had been following Kurama enough to know the purpose of the school, and yet he
couldn't bring himself to like it. The loss of freedom, the obedience that people expected,
the rules and tests and all of it. How could any self-respecting youkai force himself into
such a situation? What was Kurama's secret, that he could handle all of it and not kill
someone on occasion?
Shaking his head of his thoughts, Hiei took a quick scan around him before he slipped
down from the branch he was on, standing in front of the tree. It was his custom waiting
place, although he always made certain there were no youkai in the area before he
revealed himself. He wasn't so predictable that he was stupid about it!
As always, Kurama's eyes quickly caught his own, and his friend smiled. Hiei felt
something shift into place inside of him, as it always did at this moment. As though some
part of him needed that slight reassurance that his presence was welcomed.
Kurama excused himself from everyone as easily as he could, and they reluctantly let him
go. At least they weren't so obsessed that they didn't allow him to do as he wanted. Finally
alone, Kurama's smile remained in place as he made his way over with a cheerful hop in
his step.
"What are you so excited about?" Hiei questioned with a frown, noting the unusual air of
light-heartedness around Kurama. Certainly, Kurama was a moody person, sometimes
depressed and sometimes almost giddy. However, it was rare to see such an expression on
his face so soon after leaving school. He'd once confessed to Hiei that it was one of the
biggest stresses in his life. Well, besides almost being killed by some youkai criminal once
or twice a month.
Kurama shrugged, a mischievous look in his eye as they began walking toward his home.
"Something good happened to me today," he said, obviously having fun with this strange
secret.
"Are you going to elaborate, or am I supposed to guess?" Hiei questioned sarcastically
after waiting a few long moments for an explanation that didn't come.
Kurama's smile turned into a grin. "I think I fell in love today," he declared.
The words brought a strange feeling into Hiei's chest, as though something had wrapped
its way around him and was squeezing. The air rushed from his lungs for a moment, and
he felt dizzy. It was something he'd never felt before. What was this emotion that was
coursing through him? It certainly wasn't pleasant. He didn't like it at all.
"Nn," he replied, not willing to put in a comment. This word, love, Hiei had only heard it
a few times, but he knew what it meant. Both human and youkai alike used this emotion to
describe someone they cared about deeply. He scowled at the thought of someone holding
such a relationship with Kurama, his best and only trusted friend. How dare someone steal
away Kurama from him? The thought made him angry, and he couldn't deny a touch of
fear. There were not many people in his life that he cared about, and he didn't want to lose
any of them.
"She's remarkable. A new transfer student to the school, a foreigner who's family has just
moved to Japan. I've never seen anyone like her in my life," Kurama went on, oblivious to
the inner turmoil Hiei was going through.
"I simply came to see that you made it from that building without harm," Hiei suddenly
found himself saying. His mind was putting up a block, making it impossible for him to
hear more about this wondrous woman. It was as though every word coming from
Kurama's mouth was making the squeezing sensation in his chest stronger and stronger.
He didn't know what was going on, but he couldn't stand this feeling any longer.
Kurama looked startled. "But you always walk me home," he protested.
"I'm not your puppy, that has to follow you around. I've things to do. I'll see you later,"
Hiei said, adding the last to soften the harshness of the first.
Then he quickly flitted away, confused thoughts drifting around in his mind as he traveled
from tree to tree. Really, there was nothing he needed to do at the moment. He's already
spent most of the morning practicing, and had spent the afternoon observing Yukina. When
Kurama was finished his schooling, Hiei usually spent the evening in his company. Now
that he'd left, he realized he didn't know what else to do.
It left him with his thoughts, and he didn't really like that. He didn't want to think about
what was going on inside of him. Why had he been so upset to hear about that stupid
woman? He and Kurama were good friends, and the youko wouldn't abandon him.
Hiei drew up short on one tree, glancing down at the backyard in front of him without
really seeing it. The tightness, the strange hatred for this unknown woman, the desire to
keep Kurama as his own... Certainly, he wasn't jealous!
He'd never experienced jealousy, although he'd seen it many times in others. The only
thing Hiei could ever imagine himself being jealous over would be someone's power, but
even then he usually only felt the desire to improve himself even more. He didn't care
about possessions or people enough to be jealous over something.
This sharp feeling, is that what it could be? But that was ridiculous! Even if Kurama was
one of the few things Hiei valued, he didn't belong to Hiei alone!
With a puzzled frown, Hiei made his way toward the mountains. He needed some
solitude, some time to figure out exactly what was going on with himself.
Chapter 2: The Realizations I Have to Face
"Have you ever been in love, Hiei?" Kurama asked, breaking the comfortable
silence they'd had between them.
Hiei was perched on the window sill, looking outward to Kurama's garden in the
back yard. Now he turned his gaze toward the youko, his eyes slightly widened.
Kurama has his hand propped up on his face, looking over at him with a curious
expression.
"Certainly not," Hiei replied shortly, looking back outside quickly. Despite the
hours he'd spent churning the questions though his mind, he'd been unable to
come up with any real answers. He'd decided to just ignore the emotions and wait
for them to disappear on their own. Certainly they would do so given some time.
While he waited, he wasn't going to ignore Kurama. His friend didn't deserve
such mistreatment, and so Hiei had come to visit him that evening.
"Not even once?" Kurama asked with surprise, getting to his feet. "Wouldn't it
be lonely?"
Hiei shrugged, frowning slightly. "I'm perfectly happy being by myself if I need
to be. Love is a useless emotion that I've never experienced."
Kurama smiled and flicked a piece of his hair. "If you've never experienced it,
how do you know what love is?" he teased.
Hiei rolled his eyes, doing his best to cover how unsettled he was with this
conversation. For Kurama, he sometimes had to make certain sacrifices.
Otherwise, Kurama would pester him until he ended up speaking anyway. "Fine,
what do you think love is?" he questioned.
The red head blinked, then became thoughtful. "You know, I've never really
thought about it too deeply. Humans use the word differently than youkai, you
know. They're much more liberal with it. I guess it is trusting someone, wanting
to be with them. Love makes a person special to you. There is the romantic
aspects of it too, but those aren't as important as the feelings that you have
toward the person."
Kurama leaned against the wall beside the window, and Hiei turned to face him,
shaking his head. "That can't be all it is," he stated. "Friends like to be
around each other all the time. I've seen human friends who hug each other and
kiss. That doesn't mean they love each other."
"Well, friends share a kind of love. Like you and I do," he said.
Hiei snorted. "So I love you now?"
Kurama laughed. "In you're own way. You love Yukina too, the way a brother loves
a sister. It's different from romantic love, though. I think romantic love is
more intense. It can make your brain think strange things. You miss the person
when you're apart, and you can get jealous when you're worried that the person
may not like you as much as another. Sometimes, people do things that are weird,
acting completely out of character, because their mind is clouded by the
feelings of love. It's not a bad thing, most of the time. Sometimes, the feeling
of exhilaration is exciting and intoxicating."
Hiei remained silent, Kurama's words echoing in his mind. "So, you love this
girl you met?" he questioned finally.
Smiling and shrugging, Kurama pushed himself away from the wall. "I was excited
to tell you about her. I don't think I love her, but she's interesting. Much
more so than any of the other girl's I've ever met. She took the seat near me
and we started talking at lunch. She doesn't act silly like the other girls do.
Talking to her was like talking to a friend."
Hiei glared at Kurama's back at his answer. Part of him had hoped Kurama would
of changed his mind about what he was feeling. Hiei shouldn't of asked. He
didn't want to talk about the girl or Kurama's infatuation with her.
"It's probably impossible," Kurama suddenly continued, his voice quiet. He
wasn't looking at Hiei, but at his own hands. "I have a whole other side to me
that most humans would never be able to understand. If she were to see me in my
youko form, she'd probably freak out. But I'm tired of being alone. I can't
stand getting into a cold bed at night and laying there in the darkness by
myself, wondering if I'll ever find someone who'll love me. I have to try at
least, to find someone who may understand and care about me for who I really
am."
Whether he wanted to admit it or not, Hiei understood the desire. In times of
weakness, rare thoughts snuck up on him. He was strong, and he didn't need
anyone! But at those moments, he felt as though he were the only person alive,
and it terrified him. What would it be like, to have someone truly care about
him? What would it be like, to be able to come to that person at the end of each
day and know he was safe and loved?
Clenching his teeth, Hiei jerked himself away from those thoughts. "It's
weakness to need someone to love you," he exclaimed out loud. He carried on, not
really in control of himself "I don't need anyone in this world. I've lived most
of my life completely alone, and I was perfectly content. I've never wanted
anything or anyone, and there is no way that's going to change. I can live my
life completely alone!"
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Hiei forced himself to get a grip. He'd never
felt so out of control, like he were spiraling around in circles, and he hated
himself for getting like this.
"Hiei?" Kurama questioned, his eyes wide as he came closer.
Realizing the youko had heard his outburst, Hiei's entire body froze. Not only
had he lost control, but he'd exposed himself. It didn't matter if it was Kurama
or a complete stranger, no one was allowed to see so much into him. It created
complications and painful emotions. He should of been strong enough to keep his
mouth shut, to keep it all bottled inside and suppressed, as it had been for
endless days and years.
Without a word, Hiei left. He didn't get far, stopping in a tree only a few
houses away from Kurama's. His breathing was coming quickly, and his body was
shaking. He'd had that, he realized. That stupid emotion Kurama had brought up.
Wanting to be there for him, wanting to protect him, the intense desire he had
to remain by Kurama's side forever.
How could he of been so stupid? How could he of allowed this to happen? He
should of realized and snuffed out the emotions before they'd come.
Falling against the base of the tree, Hiei closed his eyes and took a deep
breath. He felt as though he'd been completely drained of his energy, as though
it would be a massive task just to jump into the tree branches and conceal
himself. His mind was spinning so much that he felt physically ill.
What did this mean? And what was he supposed to do?
He had no answers.
Chapter 3: The Other Side of My Soul
Kurama slowly changed into his pajama's, his mind a million miles away from what he
was doing. He was still reeling from Hiei's outburst, trying to make sense of what had
happened. He'd always though he and Hiei were very close, closer than most friends. They
had a unspoken bond that went beyond friendship or brotherhood, something that had
never been given a name but was there just the same.
How could he of been so blind to the other's emotions? Yes, Hiei liked to hid himself
behind massive walls of indifference, but Kurama had always prided himself in being able
to see past them. He had thought their bond had grown on his ability to know the other, to
understand Hiei in a way others were unable. He'd thought he known what there was to
know about the other, as much as a person besides Hiei himself ever could anyway.
Had he failed as a friend? Hiei had been so upset when he'd left... What could he do to
help the other? He didn't even have a way of finding Hiei. And how could Kurama help
someone who prided himself on not caring? Especially with a subject as sensitive as love.
The way he'd reacted... could Hiei be in love with someone?
Kurama's hands stilled in the process of buttoning his shirt and his breath caught a
moment. A tight feeling had come over his chest at the thought, a slight pain that, although
he hadn't expected, wasn't surprised to feel. He didn't like the idea of Hiei being in love.
After all, Hiei meant... well, Kurama felt...
He couldn't finish the thought, although he knew perfectly well what it would be. After all,
one could only keep those feelings hidden for so long before being forced to look at them.
He could try to pretend all he wanted that they weren't there, but that wouldn't make it
true. He'd just told himself that it would be pointless. Hiei detached himself as much as he
could from emotions, it would only hurt Kurama to dwell on those feelings. It would be
better to move on, and keep their bond as it was. There was too great of risk of damaging
it by acting on those feelings.
He had attempted to distract himself with Nari. She really was an interesting girl, much
more polite and mature than most of his other classmates. She'd taken a real liking to him,
tried to get to know him. He'd thought, why not try? He was trying to be a normal human
boy anyway! If there were any chance he could find happiness with someone else, why
couldn't he take it? He'd thought of it as a new beginning, a chance to stop pining for
someone he could never have.
But he knew no one would ever be able to have as strong of a bond with him. No human,
especially, would be able to understand all that Kurama was. Not like Hiei could, and did.
So what was he supposed to do? If Hiei loved someone... Kurama couldn't just let him go
without a fight! He'd thought he would never be able to win Hiei's affections, but he'd be
damned if he was going to let someone else do so without even trying.
If it was hopeless, he could destroy everything that he'd worked so hard to achieve.
Having Hiei turn away from him, it was one of the biggest fears he'd ever had. But if he
did nothing, Kurama couldn't live with that either.
It was pointless to do nothing. And, even if it was a slim chance, that would be enough for
him. The reward, if Hiei really could return his feelings, would be worth any amount of
fear or pain.
Kurama crawled into bed, although he knew that he wouldn't get much sleep. Tomorrow,
if Hiei came to see him, he'd do what he had to do. For better or worse, he had to know
the truth. Even if it was just to soothe his own uncertainties, he had to find out the truth.
Could Hiei love him?
Chapter 4: The Things I Must Say
Two days ago, life had been normal.
Two days ago, he'd been able to go about his daily routines without hesitation, certain in
his actions and thoughts.
Two days ago, he hadn't been in love.
Well, perhaps he had, but he hadn't realized it.
He'd prided himself in his independence. He'd liked the fact that he wasn't attached to
anyone, that he'd succeeded in keeping himself from having to rely on anyone. He hadn't
wanted more than momentary companionship, had been contented with his life, even if it
would of seemed lonely and empty to someone else. It had been enough for him, and he'd
been... well, as happy as someone like himself could get.
Now, his entire world had turned upside down. It had happened so quickly, his mind was
still reeling. He hated these feelings of confusion and uncertainty. He hated not being in
complete control of himself. He had to keep this emotion from gaining too much of a hold
on him.
Hiei's head jerked up at the sound of the bell going off in Kurama's school. Classes were
out for the day.
What the hell was he doing here? He'd run from Kurama last night, when the realization
had come to him. He knew the only reason he was here now was because he refused to
give in to his own fears and hide from the other. He hadn't said anything about his real
emotions. Perhaps Kurama didn't know where that outburst had come from, what it meant.
Hiei had to prove to himself that he wasn't weak, that he could go on with his life, despite
the turbulence inside of him.
The emotion of love... It was foolish, and something he'd lived his life without until now.
He didn't need the emotion, and he was certain he could suppress it. It had thrown him
around the last two days, and he wasn't going to allow it to any longer. Love created
dependence, weakness, and he was going to live his life exactly as he had before.
He just had to prove to himself that he could be around Kurama, and not be affected. Then
he would know for certain that he had regained control of himself.
He would walk Kurama home, as he usually did, and rid himself of this ridiculous
emotion.
Kurama felt nervous as he glanced down at the figure walking next to him. He'd made his
way over to Hiei perhaps a little too eagerly when he'd spotted the other waiting for him in
his usual place. However, when he'd arrived, he hadn't been able to think of anything to
say beyond idle chatter that had died very quickly.
Now they were walking next to each other in a silence that was far from comfortable.
How could Kurama broach the subject? More importantly, how did he keep Hiei from
leaving the second he mentioned it?
He'd spent nearly the entire night awake, thinking about what he would say and do.
However, he hadn't expected to see Hiei again so quickly, and all of those ideas seemed
stupid now. But nothing would be accomplished if he didn't speak up soon. They were
only a few blocks away from his house, and he doubted Hiei would stick around long with
the tension so high between them.
"Nari asked me out today," Kurama said quietly, grasping for some way to start.
He could see Hiei faulter a moment at his words, and Kurama's pulse picked up speed.
"Nn," was the reply from the other, and Kurama had to wonder if he was trying to grab at
invisible strings at the uncaring expression on the other's face.
"I turned her down," he continued, hiding his shaking hands in his pockets. Really, he
couldn't believe how nervous he was. It wasn't as though he'd never had a relationship
before. Just... this was one of the first times he really loved someone. He was afraid of
what could happen.
"Why? I thought you were in love with her?" Hiei questioned, his expression still
detached.
"Well, several reasons," Kurama said, his pulse picking up again. Now was the perfect
chance, and he wouldn't let it slip through his fingers! He'd had enough of giving into his
fears. No matter the consequences, he would do what he had to.
"I was glad that I'd met someone who was willing to get to know me beyond my looks and
good grades. But I realized that she wouldn't ever know the real me. And even if she could
learn to get used to me being a demon, I doubt she could ever understand it. I was just... I
wanted to believe there was someone out there who I could be with as my true self.
Someone who could know all aspects of my life, and accept them for what they are,"
Kurama continued.
He stopped walking, forcing himself to meet Hiei's eyes when the other turned to look at
him. "I've already met someone who can do that. Even if Nari were able, it wouldn't
matter, because there's always been someone else in my life that means more to me than
anyone else could."
He could see the guarded look coming to Hiei's eyes, and he didn't miss the shift in Hiei's
weight. Pushing himself forward, Kurama wrapped his arms around Hiei's shoulders and
held onto him tightly. "Don't run away!" he exclaimed, prepared to hang on should the
other decide to fight his way free. "Hiei, I have to tell you this. I know it could ruin our
friendship. I know it could mean you leaving and never coming back, but I can't hide it
anymore. I've told myself it was stupid and pointless and that you could never feel the
same for me. But after your outburst last night, I couldn't keep myself from thinking that
there might be a chance. And even the slightest chance that you might feel the same for me
is enough for me to take the risk!"
After his words, there was a long moment of silence, and Kurama closed his eyes tightly.
He couldn't of been wrong. He'd been almost certain that Hiei felt the same for him. But
the long silence that stretched... Each moment that went by felt like years, the only sound
that of his own heart pounding in his ears.
"I fell in love with you long ago, Hiei," Kurama finally continued, his voice next to
nothing as he spoke into the other's shoulder. "I tried to pretend like it was only friendship,
but it all meant more to me. I tried to behave as normal as possible, and I even almost
convinced myself for a moment. But the truth of the matter is that this emotion is never
going to go away, and I don't want it to. Even if you leave right now and I never see you
again, although it would hurt so badly, it wouldn't change how I feel."
Slowly, Kurama let his arms free the other, sitting back on his heels with his eyes still
tightly closed. He couldn't watch Hiei leave; the image would be burned into his mind
forever.
"I'm sorry to put all of this on your shoulders. I had no idea what I was going to do or say,
but I knew that I couldn't let another day go by without saying anything."
He could feel Hiei's ki in front of him. Again, the time seemed to crawl by, and Kurama's
mind was a whirl of confused thoughts. Why hadn't Hiei left? Why hadn't he said
anything? What was going on in the other's mind? Had he just made the biggest mistake of
his life?
"Why?" he suddenly heard Hiei's voice question, and Kurama opened his eyes to see a
strange mixture of anger and curiosity on Hiei's face. "I am not like you, Kurama. I'm not
an ideal lover. I don't exchange soft words or gestures. I don't express emotions freely, and
I don't like being touched. The only thing my hands can do skillfully is kill, and even you
have called me 'cold' on more than one occasion. What makes you think you would be
satisfied with someone such as myself?"
Kurama's brow furrowed at Hiei's words, and he shook his head as he got to his feet. "I
don't expect you to be anyone other than who you are, Hiei," he replied. "I fell in love with
the person that you are, and I'm satisfied with that. In time, you may warm up to be more.
But if you don't, I'll still be happy just being with you."
Hiei continued to look at him for a long moment, his expression blank except for the
thoughtful look in his crimson eyes. Finally, a small half-smile appeared on the youkai's
lips. "Fine," he stated, turning and continuing on the way to Kurama's house. "You had
better get home before your mother starts to worry."
Kurama moved to Hiei's side, a little surprised that things had been so easy. 'Fine.' And
that was that. It wasn't an outright declaration of love, but it was certainly the next best
thing. Hiei really did care about him, was willing to start a relationship with him.
The entire situation seemed surreal.
Curious, Kurama slipped his hand into Hiei's, tightening his fingers into a light but secure
hold.
"Don't push your luck," Hiei snapped.
But he didn't pull his hand away.