Omg tonight's episode was so cute! Okay, not the crap with Marissa and Ryan, that just made me want to ring both their necks. And Luke and Mrs. Cooper! Entertaining: yes. Ew? Definitely. Anyways, I loved the last scene with Seth and Summer. It was so adorable. And Seth and Sandy's "talk" cracked me up. And I also saw "Grind" for the first time. It was better than I expected, and Adam Brody was wonderful. And limber. So anyways, read, review, and enjoy!
***
Sandy arrived about fifteen minutes later, looking slightly frazzled. I assumed he was having a rough day at the office. It seems like all his days are rough. He came into the nurses' office and took a look at Seth, who was still sleeping. He quietly bent over him and ran his hand over Seth's forehead and through his hair. I watched this, slightly puzzled. Like, I couldn't find any particular reason why he would do this one small gesture. It didn't seem that he was checking his temperature (I already knew he didn't have one.); one could believe he was trying to smooth down Seth's psychotically curly hair, but it hasn't happened yet so why try now? We all have accepted by now that Seth's hair has a mind of it's own and it's out to make his life miserable. I figured, after some spacey pondering, that it was a compulsive way of making sure his son was alright, that he was there and okay.
A lot of companionship and understanding existed between Sandy and Seth. Out of the both of his parents, I believed Seth was the most like his father. Aside from being awkward and goofy, Seth also got Sandy's impulsiveness and his open heart. Sandy wanted to change the world himself and I knew Seth did too. Sandy and Seth Cohen were determined to make the world a happier place for all, starting with a lonely kid from Chino.
"Hey," Sandy half-whispered to me. "What's going on?"
I shook my head. "I'm not sure. He fainted in the hallway, I'm guessing after third period."
Sandy scrunched his big-ass bushy eyebrows and wiped at his chin.
"I was on my way to lunch when I saw him in here." I glanced at Seth, sleeping curled in a ball on the cot. "I think he's been feeling a little shotty for a while."
Sandy nodded and wiped his face with both hands. He glanced around the room, looking at Seth one last time. "Yea. I kinda noticed…" he trailed off into a nervous laugh. "I bet Kirsten's going to feel dumb for not letting him stay home today."
I felt the smile coming, but it never really made it's way to my face. A strange feeling of anticipation and fear was working it's way through my stomach. There was absolutely no reason I should be feeling this way. Seth was a perfectly healthy sixteen-year-old; he'd be alright. But I acknowledged that I have an extreme talent for denial, and told myself to shut the hell up.
"Mr. Cohen?" Sandy and I both jumped at the sound of the Nurse's voice.
"Yeah. That's me," Sandy said. "What's going on? What's wrong with Seth?"
"I don't really know, Mr. Cohen. He was brought in by a teacher after having passed out on his way to lunch, and I suspect he's not feeling well."
I raised my eyebrows and Sandy voiced my thoughts with "Nah, really?"
The nurse looked slightly put out, but said nothing. Sandy sighed. "Okay. Umm…I need to…to…check him out?" For some reason, he glanced at me for help.
I nodded. "Good job."
He smiled wryly. "Usually Kirsten's job. Okay. I'll take him over to the doctor."
The nurse nodded. "Just go to the office and check him out and then you can come back and get him."
Sandy nodded and walked over to Seth. He leaned down and put his hand on Seth's shoulder and said into his ear, "Seth? Wake up, man."
Seth stirred and wiped at his nose, and opened his eyes. He took a moment to orient himself, and he stared at Sandy before he registered who he was looking at. "Dad. Hey. What's up?"
I smiled, and I saw Sandy do the same. "Nothin much. How ya feelin?"
Seth closed his eyes and sighed. "Pretty crappy. Told you I should've stayed home."
"I know. Sorry about that. I'm gonna go to the office and get you checked out, and I'll be right back." Sandy left. I looked at Seth as he struggled to wake up. He wiped at his eyes and yawned, then blinked a couple times to clear his sight.
"You alright?" I asked.
"Yea, I suppose." He rubbed at his forehead and I noticed the nurse had disappeared. I looked at Seth good and hard. I was worried. This odd young man had become my best friend, brother, and my…I don't know…lifeline, I guess. I couldn't conceive of what I would do without him, and I wondered every day how I'd survived the first sixteen years of my life alone. Then Seth sat up and I released a stream of hysterical laughter at the red imprints all over the left side of his face.
"What?" Seth asked, confused.
I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. I couldn't stop and I couldn't think.
"What?" he asked frantically.
I laughed some more. I couldn't help it. All the tension I was feeling was releasing itself in the most random way possible.
"You know what? You are a…a…" He struggled to find some way to insult me and pointed his finger at me. I laughed harder.
"Shut up! You're such a poophead!"
I rolled off the chair onto the floor, and Seth flopped back onto the pillow.
"Life sucks."
***
After I helped Sandy get Seth to the car in his sleep-and-pain-induced stupor, I went to the cafeteria for the remaining ten minutes of lunch to grab something to eat. I was in line when I was rudely punched in the shoulder.
"Hey, Chino! Where the hell have you been? Where's Cohen?"
I turned around and found Summer, glaring at me with fierce brown eyes. I was beginning to understand why Seth feared her so much.
"Uh, Seth's sick. Sandy came to take him to the doctor."
Summer's face fell. "Oh. Well, is he okay?"
I looked at her, trying to find my words. I wasn't sure what I thought, so I couldn't even decide whether to tell her the truth. I just didn't know.
"Um, he was pretty sick, but I'm sure he'll be okay."
Summer stared at me, searching for the truth. Ultimately, she nodded and shrugged. "Okay. Well, I guess I should ask Ms. McCloud for his homework."
I nodded. "Yea, good plan."
After school, Summer, Marissa and I met in the parking lot like we do at the end of each school day. I drove Summer home in the Range Rover, insisting that I would have Seth call her when I got home. Then Marissa and I made our way back to the Cohen house. I frowned when I saw that there were no cars in the driveway.
"Huh."
Marissa looked at me. "What's up?"
"I just thought they should be back by now."
I anxiously got out of the car, and Marissa followed. As we were walking up to the front door, I felt Marissa slip her hand in mine. I looked up at her, and she was smiling at me, reassuringly. I felt something inside me lighten.
We walked into the house feeling distinctly like we were standing in the middle of a deserted street in a western. My stomach was doing fun dances inside of me with worry over what could be happening. It had been hours since Sandy left the school with Seth.
"Hey, why don't you see if someone's called?" Marissa suggested, startling me.
I nodded and walked into the kitchen to the answering machine. To my great relief, the red light was blinking. I pressed the button and heard it beep and Sandy's voice come out of the speaker.
"Hey Ryan. Um, it's about…3:40. Look, I'm at the hospital getting Seth checked in…Um, Kirsten's on her way out here, and I'll come home when she gets here. Feel free to fix whatever you want for dinner. See you in a little bit."
My throat went dry and I felt my knees weaken. I heard Marissa inhale slightly. We stood silently for a moment; I'm sure both of us were absorbing the new information and fear was starting to creep up on us.
I cleared my throat. "That's bad right?" I said softly.
Marissa looked at me like she was searching for the right thing to say. She looked back at the answering machine, then back at me. "I'm sure he's alright. We just have to think that, and everything will be okay."
"Why would they need to take him to the hospital if everything were okay?"
Marissa looked down again. "I don't know," she mumbled.
I was cooking lasagna when Sandy walked through the front door at about five o'clock. I nearly dropped the pot of boiling water when he came up behind me and said, "Hey."
"Hey," I responded after regaining my composure. "What's going on? Why did you take Seth to the hospital?"
Sandy walked to the coffee pot, shook it, then put the empty pot back in it's place. "They're going to run some tests to find out what's up."
"Can I go see him?"
Sandy shook his head. "Nah, they gave him something to put him to sleep, so he should be out. You can go see him tomorrow after school."
I swallowed nervously. "Is it something serious?"
He opened up a cabinet and pulled out the coffee can. He sighed. "They're not sure, and they said not to worry about anything." He poured some coffee in a new filter and started it brewing. Then he looked at me. "And I think we should listen to them."
I wasn't exactly inclined to share Sandy's indifference; in fact, I was quite puzzled. I know Sandy. He's passionate and exciting, and I imagined that if something were wrong with his son, he'd feel a little more strongly about it. I thought he would be worried and pacing around the house, furious with impatience. But he was brewing a pot of coffee, and telling me not to worry. I felt strangely…alone.
"Okay," I said and made my way to the pool house, leaving him to fix his coffee.
Oh yeah; sleep was completely out of the question. Totally wasn't happening. I did nothing but toss and turn and tangle up sheets and then have to rearrange myself. So, at about three o'clock, I gave up. I got up and wandered around the room for a while, trying to find something to keep me entertained.
Nope. Nothin. No comic books to read (I'd read them all), no book (ditto). Nothing. I resigned myself to go inside the house and find something to do. Not Playstation, I'd wake Sandy up and I really wasn't feeling like talking to him again. His laid-back attitude frankly kind of pissed me off. I was ready to rip all my hair out and scream, I was so frustrated. Sandy appeared unfazed.
I made my way into the kitchen to find something to drink, and I heard Sandy's voice coming from inside. I stopped outside the door and listened.
"I know, honey. Do they know for sure? Well, then it might not be it, right? It could be something else. I know, I just… No. No, we shouldn't tell Ryan until we know anything for sure."
My knees almost gave way underneath me. I could feel my heart beating insanely inside my chest. I was now really, truly, scared.
"Yeah, I love you too. See you tomorrow. Bye," he said and hung up the phone. I didn't move, and neither did he. He stood by the phone for a moment, then shuffled back up the stairs to bed. I stood where I was, letting the world spin around me. My fear was starting to consume me entirely. I knew that something was wrong, really wrong, with my brother.
***
Marissa drove me to the hospital the next day after school. Summer demanded to be allowed to go, but since I couldn't bring myself to argue with her, I assumed Marissa talked to her at some point during the day and convinced her to tell me "I um, have to be home. Just have Seth call me, okay?" I was forever indebted to Marissa. I couldn't handle Summer being around; I could hardly deal with Marissa. She had a nervous habit of trying to convince me that everything was okay and nothing was going to go wrong; I believed it was more of a way to convince herself rather than me. It just didn't help either of us at all.
We arrived in the waiting room and found Sandy standing around sipping a cup of coffee.
"Hey, Sandy!" I called and we hurried to him. He almost dropped his coffee on the floor, and I noticed he was shaking. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Hey, kids. How was school?"
"Do they know anything yet?" I asked, completely ignoring his irrelevant question. Sandy lowered his eyes to the floor and tapped his finger on his cup. The look he had in his eyes when he looked back up at me was enough to make me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake everything out of him. But, "less violence" was the New Year's resolution that Seth and Summer picked out for me. I swallowed hard and asked, "What is it?"
Sandy put his free hand on my arm. "Why don't you two sit down?" he said and tried to lead me to a chair.
I shook his hand off. "No," I said just a wee bit too loud. I glanced around and lowered my voice. "Tell me what's going on."
Sandy looked at me. Not at me, but, I think, into me. Wondering what he should tell me. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. He opened his mouth, and I felt my heart pump louder.
"Seth has leukemia."
I stared at him. He stared at me. I felt my stomach turn and I very nearly lost my balance. Had it not been for Sandy's grip on my shoulder and Marissa's arm around my waist, I'm fairly positive I would have fallen flat on the floor. My brain couldn't connect with what Sandy had just said to me. Seth, my brother, had…
"I think I want that chair now," I said quietly. Sandy and Marissa helped me to get my body to move to a chair across the room. I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes. I was positive I had to be dreaming.
"Ryan?"
I looked at Marissa. She hand tears in her eyes. I took her hand in mine.
"Ryan, you shouldn't panic. The doctor said that leukemia is not as frightening as it used to be and many people who are treated nowadays do just fine."
I turned and looked Sandy in the eye. "Seth has cancer."
Sandy looked shocked, then nodded. "I know." I saw a tear slip down his cheek. We sat in silence for a few moments, the three of us lost in our own fears.
I suddenly looked around. "Where's Kirsten?"
Sandy broke himself out of his stupor and said, "Oh, right. She's in there with Seth right now." He looked at me and rubbed my shoulder. "I think you should go see him now."
I nodded and tried to show my thanks through my eyes. I'm not really a word person, as if no one could tell. Marissa stood with me. I turned to her and took hold of both of her hands. "I-I think I need to talk to him alone, for a minute."
I pleaded with her through my eyes to understand. And she did. She nodded and said, "Yeah. Go ahead and see him. I'll just wait here."
"Thanks," I whispered. Sandy led me down the hall to Seth's room, his hand reassuringly on my shoulder the whole time. We came to the door, room 217b, and stopped. Sandy and I looked at each other. He put his hand on the door and I almost collapsed. But for Seth, I had to go in. He opened the door and peeked inside.
"Hey," Sandy said, a little too cheerfully. "Someone's here to see you."
I walked in the room and saw Seth sitting cross-legged on the bed with a comic book in his lap. Kirsten was sitting on the edge looking teary and red-faced. An overwhelming feeling of relief surged through me when Seth flashed me an albeit tired smile. "Hey dude. What's up?"
I couldn't stop myself from grinning. Seth's lispy voice was so comforting. "Nothing much."
"Oh man, I'm having a blast. A couple of the hoes just left. Big ol' ladies who enjoy kinky stuff like poking me with needles, and I'm sure I saw Bertha carrying a set of handcuffs in her scrubs."
I laughed while Kirsten said "Seth, don't say 'hoe'," and sniffled.
Sandy cleared his throat. "Uh, Kirsten and I are gonna go get some more coffee, so we'll leave you two alone."
He waved his hand to Kirsten and she followed him out of the room only after smoothing down Seth's curls and kissing him on the forehead. "I'll be right back, sweetie."
"Take your time," he said quietly. After Kirsten and Sandy exited the room, Seth rubbed at his head, messing up his newly flattened hair. He looked at me and smiled. "Come sit down man. My digs are sweet."
I came further into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. I looked at him, and tried to smile like I meant it. My eyes were beginning to itch.
Seth just looked at me smiling. He broke the silence. "So, they tell me I have leukemia," he said matter-of-factly. I just stared at him, his bluntness startling me. "I've heard nice things about this chemotherapy stuff. Heard it takes all of your hair out. Not a problem, my hair has it in for me anyways. Hey! But I read somewhere that sometimes the hair grows back different than it was before. Maybe my hair will grow back like yours: blond and straight. Friendly hair. Not hair that hates it's owner who's very nice and good to them. What do you think?"
He looked at me with a desperate and yet innocent look in his eyes. He wanted me to laugh at him, to forget all the worries that I was feeling. I felt a sense of failure, because I couldn't. I couldn't stop and laugh at Seth's babbling. Because I was too scared. I just felt terror inside me. And tears started to escape my eyelids.
Seth looked at me, pleading with me to laugh. When my tears began to fall, he shook his head. Like he wanted me to stop. "No…" he said. "No, don't…"
"Seth…" I began and grabbed his hand. He tried to pull away, but I held on. My biceps are bigger. I looked in his eyes and saw a desperate grasp on composure. He was holding on tight to his pain, not letting it out, and my tears were drawing it out of him.
"No, Ryan," he said firmly. I began to pull him towards me and I saw his tears dropping. "Stop," he whispered. He looked me in the eyes, pleading with me. Before I thought I couldn't take the look in his eyes anymore, he broke down. He started sobbing desperately and put his face in his hands. When I pulled at him again, he willingly came and buried his face in my shoulder. He wrapped his slender arms around me and cried everything out to me.
"It's okay, man," I whispered in his ear and rubbed circles on his back. I could taste the salt from my tears in my mouth.
Through Seth's hysterical sobbing, I heard him moan, "I'm so scared."
I squeezed him tighter, clinging to him like my arms were the only thing keeping us both from drowning, and let him keep on crying. "I know. I know, buddy." I closed my eyes and pictured his smile in my head; it kept me from caving in on myself.
"Me too."
***
Okay, how ya like it? Thank you so much for everyone who reviewed, I appreciate it so much. And "Anonymous," you hit it on the nose didn't you? Nice. And just in case anyone was confused, Sandy wasn't really indifferent, he was just trying not to worry Ryan and really himself. I don't know if I cleared that up, cuz ya'll know I suck. But anyways, review and make me giddy.
***
Sandy arrived about fifteen minutes later, looking slightly frazzled. I assumed he was having a rough day at the office. It seems like all his days are rough. He came into the nurses' office and took a look at Seth, who was still sleeping. He quietly bent over him and ran his hand over Seth's forehead and through his hair. I watched this, slightly puzzled. Like, I couldn't find any particular reason why he would do this one small gesture. It didn't seem that he was checking his temperature (I already knew he didn't have one.); one could believe he was trying to smooth down Seth's psychotically curly hair, but it hasn't happened yet so why try now? We all have accepted by now that Seth's hair has a mind of it's own and it's out to make his life miserable. I figured, after some spacey pondering, that it was a compulsive way of making sure his son was alright, that he was there and okay.
A lot of companionship and understanding existed between Sandy and Seth. Out of the both of his parents, I believed Seth was the most like his father. Aside from being awkward and goofy, Seth also got Sandy's impulsiveness and his open heart. Sandy wanted to change the world himself and I knew Seth did too. Sandy and Seth Cohen were determined to make the world a happier place for all, starting with a lonely kid from Chino.
"Hey," Sandy half-whispered to me. "What's going on?"
I shook my head. "I'm not sure. He fainted in the hallway, I'm guessing after third period."
Sandy scrunched his big-ass bushy eyebrows and wiped at his chin.
"I was on my way to lunch when I saw him in here." I glanced at Seth, sleeping curled in a ball on the cot. "I think he's been feeling a little shotty for a while."
Sandy nodded and wiped his face with both hands. He glanced around the room, looking at Seth one last time. "Yea. I kinda noticed…" he trailed off into a nervous laugh. "I bet Kirsten's going to feel dumb for not letting him stay home today."
I felt the smile coming, but it never really made it's way to my face. A strange feeling of anticipation and fear was working it's way through my stomach. There was absolutely no reason I should be feeling this way. Seth was a perfectly healthy sixteen-year-old; he'd be alright. But I acknowledged that I have an extreme talent for denial, and told myself to shut the hell up.
"Mr. Cohen?" Sandy and I both jumped at the sound of the Nurse's voice.
"Yeah. That's me," Sandy said. "What's going on? What's wrong with Seth?"
"I don't really know, Mr. Cohen. He was brought in by a teacher after having passed out on his way to lunch, and I suspect he's not feeling well."
I raised my eyebrows and Sandy voiced my thoughts with "Nah, really?"
The nurse looked slightly put out, but said nothing. Sandy sighed. "Okay. Umm…I need to…to…check him out?" For some reason, he glanced at me for help.
I nodded. "Good job."
He smiled wryly. "Usually Kirsten's job. Okay. I'll take him over to the doctor."
The nurse nodded. "Just go to the office and check him out and then you can come back and get him."
Sandy nodded and walked over to Seth. He leaned down and put his hand on Seth's shoulder and said into his ear, "Seth? Wake up, man."
Seth stirred and wiped at his nose, and opened his eyes. He took a moment to orient himself, and he stared at Sandy before he registered who he was looking at. "Dad. Hey. What's up?"
I smiled, and I saw Sandy do the same. "Nothin much. How ya feelin?"
Seth closed his eyes and sighed. "Pretty crappy. Told you I should've stayed home."
"I know. Sorry about that. I'm gonna go to the office and get you checked out, and I'll be right back." Sandy left. I looked at Seth as he struggled to wake up. He wiped at his eyes and yawned, then blinked a couple times to clear his sight.
"You alright?" I asked.
"Yea, I suppose." He rubbed at his forehead and I noticed the nurse had disappeared. I looked at Seth good and hard. I was worried. This odd young man had become my best friend, brother, and my…I don't know…lifeline, I guess. I couldn't conceive of what I would do without him, and I wondered every day how I'd survived the first sixteen years of my life alone. Then Seth sat up and I released a stream of hysterical laughter at the red imprints all over the left side of his face.
"What?" Seth asked, confused.
I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. I couldn't stop and I couldn't think.
"What?" he asked frantically.
I laughed some more. I couldn't help it. All the tension I was feeling was releasing itself in the most random way possible.
"You know what? You are a…a…" He struggled to find some way to insult me and pointed his finger at me. I laughed harder.
"Shut up! You're such a poophead!"
I rolled off the chair onto the floor, and Seth flopped back onto the pillow.
"Life sucks."
***
After I helped Sandy get Seth to the car in his sleep-and-pain-induced stupor, I went to the cafeteria for the remaining ten minutes of lunch to grab something to eat. I was in line when I was rudely punched in the shoulder.
"Hey, Chino! Where the hell have you been? Where's Cohen?"
I turned around and found Summer, glaring at me with fierce brown eyes. I was beginning to understand why Seth feared her so much.
"Uh, Seth's sick. Sandy came to take him to the doctor."
Summer's face fell. "Oh. Well, is he okay?"
I looked at her, trying to find my words. I wasn't sure what I thought, so I couldn't even decide whether to tell her the truth. I just didn't know.
"Um, he was pretty sick, but I'm sure he'll be okay."
Summer stared at me, searching for the truth. Ultimately, she nodded and shrugged. "Okay. Well, I guess I should ask Ms. McCloud for his homework."
I nodded. "Yea, good plan."
After school, Summer, Marissa and I met in the parking lot like we do at the end of each school day. I drove Summer home in the Range Rover, insisting that I would have Seth call her when I got home. Then Marissa and I made our way back to the Cohen house. I frowned when I saw that there were no cars in the driveway.
"Huh."
Marissa looked at me. "What's up?"
"I just thought they should be back by now."
I anxiously got out of the car, and Marissa followed. As we were walking up to the front door, I felt Marissa slip her hand in mine. I looked up at her, and she was smiling at me, reassuringly. I felt something inside me lighten.
We walked into the house feeling distinctly like we were standing in the middle of a deserted street in a western. My stomach was doing fun dances inside of me with worry over what could be happening. It had been hours since Sandy left the school with Seth.
"Hey, why don't you see if someone's called?" Marissa suggested, startling me.
I nodded and walked into the kitchen to the answering machine. To my great relief, the red light was blinking. I pressed the button and heard it beep and Sandy's voice come out of the speaker.
"Hey Ryan. Um, it's about…3:40. Look, I'm at the hospital getting Seth checked in…Um, Kirsten's on her way out here, and I'll come home when she gets here. Feel free to fix whatever you want for dinner. See you in a little bit."
My throat went dry and I felt my knees weaken. I heard Marissa inhale slightly. We stood silently for a moment; I'm sure both of us were absorbing the new information and fear was starting to creep up on us.
I cleared my throat. "That's bad right?" I said softly.
Marissa looked at me like she was searching for the right thing to say. She looked back at the answering machine, then back at me. "I'm sure he's alright. We just have to think that, and everything will be okay."
"Why would they need to take him to the hospital if everything were okay?"
Marissa looked down again. "I don't know," she mumbled.
I was cooking lasagna when Sandy walked through the front door at about five o'clock. I nearly dropped the pot of boiling water when he came up behind me and said, "Hey."
"Hey," I responded after regaining my composure. "What's going on? Why did you take Seth to the hospital?"
Sandy walked to the coffee pot, shook it, then put the empty pot back in it's place. "They're going to run some tests to find out what's up."
"Can I go see him?"
Sandy shook his head. "Nah, they gave him something to put him to sleep, so he should be out. You can go see him tomorrow after school."
I swallowed nervously. "Is it something serious?"
He opened up a cabinet and pulled out the coffee can. He sighed. "They're not sure, and they said not to worry about anything." He poured some coffee in a new filter and started it brewing. Then he looked at me. "And I think we should listen to them."
I wasn't exactly inclined to share Sandy's indifference; in fact, I was quite puzzled. I know Sandy. He's passionate and exciting, and I imagined that if something were wrong with his son, he'd feel a little more strongly about it. I thought he would be worried and pacing around the house, furious with impatience. But he was brewing a pot of coffee, and telling me not to worry. I felt strangely…alone.
"Okay," I said and made my way to the pool house, leaving him to fix his coffee.
Oh yeah; sleep was completely out of the question. Totally wasn't happening. I did nothing but toss and turn and tangle up sheets and then have to rearrange myself. So, at about three o'clock, I gave up. I got up and wandered around the room for a while, trying to find something to keep me entertained.
Nope. Nothin. No comic books to read (I'd read them all), no book (ditto). Nothing. I resigned myself to go inside the house and find something to do. Not Playstation, I'd wake Sandy up and I really wasn't feeling like talking to him again. His laid-back attitude frankly kind of pissed me off. I was ready to rip all my hair out and scream, I was so frustrated. Sandy appeared unfazed.
I made my way into the kitchen to find something to drink, and I heard Sandy's voice coming from inside. I stopped outside the door and listened.
"I know, honey. Do they know for sure? Well, then it might not be it, right? It could be something else. I know, I just… No. No, we shouldn't tell Ryan until we know anything for sure."
My knees almost gave way underneath me. I could feel my heart beating insanely inside my chest. I was now really, truly, scared.
"Yeah, I love you too. See you tomorrow. Bye," he said and hung up the phone. I didn't move, and neither did he. He stood by the phone for a moment, then shuffled back up the stairs to bed. I stood where I was, letting the world spin around me. My fear was starting to consume me entirely. I knew that something was wrong, really wrong, with my brother.
***
Marissa drove me to the hospital the next day after school. Summer demanded to be allowed to go, but since I couldn't bring myself to argue with her, I assumed Marissa talked to her at some point during the day and convinced her to tell me "I um, have to be home. Just have Seth call me, okay?" I was forever indebted to Marissa. I couldn't handle Summer being around; I could hardly deal with Marissa. She had a nervous habit of trying to convince me that everything was okay and nothing was going to go wrong; I believed it was more of a way to convince herself rather than me. It just didn't help either of us at all.
We arrived in the waiting room and found Sandy standing around sipping a cup of coffee.
"Hey, Sandy!" I called and we hurried to him. He almost dropped his coffee on the floor, and I noticed he was shaking. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Hey, kids. How was school?"
"Do they know anything yet?" I asked, completely ignoring his irrelevant question. Sandy lowered his eyes to the floor and tapped his finger on his cup. The look he had in his eyes when he looked back up at me was enough to make me want to grab him by the shoulders and shake everything out of him. But, "less violence" was the New Year's resolution that Seth and Summer picked out for me. I swallowed hard and asked, "What is it?"
Sandy put his free hand on my arm. "Why don't you two sit down?" he said and tried to lead me to a chair.
I shook his hand off. "No," I said just a wee bit too loud. I glanced around and lowered my voice. "Tell me what's going on."
Sandy looked at me. Not at me, but, I think, into me. Wondering what he should tell me. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. He opened his mouth, and I felt my heart pump louder.
"Seth has leukemia."
I stared at him. He stared at me. I felt my stomach turn and I very nearly lost my balance. Had it not been for Sandy's grip on my shoulder and Marissa's arm around my waist, I'm fairly positive I would have fallen flat on the floor. My brain couldn't connect with what Sandy had just said to me. Seth, my brother, had…
"I think I want that chair now," I said quietly. Sandy and Marissa helped me to get my body to move to a chair across the room. I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes. I was positive I had to be dreaming.
"Ryan?"
I looked at Marissa. She hand tears in her eyes. I took her hand in mine.
"Ryan, you shouldn't panic. The doctor said that leukemia is not as frightening as it used to be and many people who are treated nowadays do just fine."
I turned and looked Sandy in the eye. "Seth has cancer."
Sandy looked shocked, then nodded. "I know." I saw a tear slip down his cheek. We sat in silence for a few moments, the three of us lost in our own fears.
I suddenly looked around. "Where's Kirsten?"
Sandy broke himself out of his stupor and said, "Oh, right. She's in there with Seth right now." He looked at me and rubbed my shoulder. "I think you should go see him now."
I nodded and tried to show my thanks through my eyes. I'm not really a word person, as if no one could tell. Marissa stood with me. I turned to her and took hold of both of her hands. "I-I think I need to talk to him alone, for a minute."
I pleaded with her through my eyes to understand. And she did. She nodded and said, "Yeah. Go ahead and see him. I'll just wait here."
"Thanks," I whispered. Sandy led me down the hall to Seth's room, his hand reassuringly on my shoulder the whole time. We came to the door, room 217b, and stopped. Sandy and I looked at each other. He put his hand on the door and I almost collapsed. But for Seth, I had to go in. He opened the door and peeked inside.
"Hey," Sandy said, a little too cheerfully. "Someone's here to see you."
I walked in the room and saw Seth sitting cross-legged on the bed with a comic book in his lap. Kirsten was sitting on the edge looking teary and red-faced. An overwhelming feeling of relief surged through me when Seth flashed me an albeit tired smile. "Hey dude. What's up?"
I couldn't stop myself from grinning. Seth's lispy voice was so comforting. "Nothing much."
"Oh man, I'm having a blast. A couple of the hoes just left. Big ol' ladies who enjoy kinky stuff like poking me with needles, and I'm sure I saw Bertha carrying a set of handcuffs in her scrubs."
I laughed while Kirsten said "Seth, don't say 'hoe'," and sniffled.
Sandy cleared his throat. "Uh, Kirsten and I are gonna go get some more coffee, so we'll leave you two alone."
He waved his hand to Kirsten and she followed him out of the room only after smoothing down Seth's curls and kissing him on the forehead. "I'll be right back, sweetie."
"Take your time," he said quietly. After Kirsten and Sandy exited the room, Seth rubbed at his head, messing up his newly flattened hair. He looked at me and smiled. "Come sit down man. My digs are sweet."
I came further into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. I looked at him, and tried to smile like I meant it. My eyes were beginning to itch.
Seth just looked at me smiling. He broke the silence. "So, they tell me I have leukemia," he said matter-of-factly. I just stared at him, his bluntness startling me. "I've heard nice things about this chemotherapy stuff. Heard it takes all of your hair out. Not a problem, my hair has it in for me anyways. Hey! But I read somewhere that sometimes the hair grows back different than it was before. Maybe my hair will grow back like yours: blond and straight. Friendly hair. Not hair that hates it's owner who's very nice and good to them. What do you think?"
He looked at me with a desperate and yet innocent look in his eyes. He wanted me to laugh at him, to forget all the worries that I was feeling. I felt a sense of failure, because I couldn't. I couldn't stop and laugh at Seth's babbling. Because I was too scared. I just felt terror inside me. And tears started to escape my eyelids.
Seth looked at me, pleading with me to laugh. When my tears began to fall, he shook his head. Like he wanted me to stop. "No…" he said. "No, don't…"
"Seth…" I began and grabbed his hand. He tried to pull away, but I held on. My biceps are bigger. I looked in his eyes and saw a desperate grasp on composure. He was holding on tight to his pain, not letting it out, and my tears were drawing it out of him.
"No, Ryan," he said firmly. I began to pull him towards me and I saw his tears dropping. "Stop," he whispered. He looked me in the eyes, pleading with me. Before I thought I couldn't take the look in his eyes anymore, he broke down. He started sobbing desperately and put his face in his hands. When I pulled at him again, he willingly came and buried his face in my shoulder. He wrapped his slender arms around me and cried everything out to me.
"It's okay, man," I whispered in his ear and rubbed circles on his back. I could taste the salt from my tears in my mouth.
Through Seth's hysterical sobbing, I heard him moan, "I'm so scared."
I squeezed him tighter, clinging to him like my arms were the only thing keeping us both from drowning, and let him keep on crying. "I know. I know, buddy." I closed my eyes and pictured his smile in my head; it kept me from caving in on myself.
"Me too."
***
Okay, how ya like it? Thank you so much for everyone who reviewed, I appreciate it so much. And "Anonymous," you hit it on the nose didn't you? Nice. And just in case anyone was confused, Sandy wasn't really indifferent, he was just trying not to worry Ryan and really himself. I don't know if I cleared that up, cuz ya'll know I suck. But anyways, review and make me giddy.