I don't own nothing, but I'd like to have Mr. Brody. How bout rent him? I'd like to…do things with him. Mwhooohahaha! Anyway, this chapter returns to Ryan's point of view. Enjoy!
All my sincerest gratitude to Molly. You've been a great source of encouragement for me and I can't wait to see your story posted. Thanks so much!
*****
"Rainbows are lame."
I shook my head and did a double take out of my wistful pondering. "Huh?"
Seth didn't look at me; he stared curiously at the wall of the pediatric floor's hall. The wall had a big, bright rainbow with a pot of gold at the end of it painted on it. A desperate attempt to bring some cheer to the dreary white-ness of the hospital. "Look at it," he said and pointed. I looked hard at the rainbow, trying desperately to get his point.
A moment of looking, and I was unsuccessful. "What are you talking about?"
He sighed and rolled his eyes, like I was some sort of imbecile because I didn't know what the hell he was rambling about. Like it was something new that I didn't understand what he was saying.
"Rainbows are never that bright. They're always dull pastel colors and they do absolutely nothing to brighten up the sky after it rains and of course they don't even begin to make up for the damn ark and what rainbow have you ever seen with pink in it?"
I eyed him. I desperately tried to see the point of all that, but I had resigned myself to the fact that Seth was…different. No one would ever fully understand the way he works, though I'd like to believe I came closer than most.
"That's…interesting."
Seth nodded and gazed back at the wall. He seemed off in SethLand, as we have all come to call it. "Leprechauns used to freak me out as a child. I think it was the little green hats. Or that horror movie, I'm not sure."
Seth and I had taken a walk around the hospital. The doctor said it would be good for him, to get his circulation flowing. Plus, I could tell he was bored out of his mind. Only Seth would have time to be bored with all of his pain and misery. I gazed at him sadly. He was extremely pale, and sick, and his curly brown hair I could tell was beginning to fall out. It was thinning, though I think he was hoping none of us had noticed. I was also aware that I was probably the only person who knew exactly how much Seth was struggling. I knew that the chemo was painful, and he was holding on harder than I could imagine. He was barely able to walk a few feet down the hall without me having to hold him upright. But he didn't complain, at all. I was quite proud of him.
Seth looked down at the floor, his pathetic attempt at looking casual. "So…have you, uh, seen Summer?"
I swallowed. "Uh, I've seen her around school some."
"Did you talk to her?"
I lowered my eyes. "No." Not only was Seth suffering through cancer treatment, but his heart was breaking. I had never been more pissed at someone in my entire life than I was at Summer Roberts. She hadn't seen or spoken to Seth since I called her and told her that he had leukemia on that first day. I didn't know why she was avoiding him, but I couldn't believe she was being so selfish. It was hurting him so much; he needed the support. God knows why, but he loved her.
Seth nodded, but the hurt in his eyes was blaringly evident. I put my hand on his shoulder in a hopefully comforting way. "You okay?"
"Yeah. She's probably just really busy, right?" He searched my eyes hopefully, waiting for me to confirm his excuse. I just nodded. I wasn't going to be the one to tell him that the love of his life was a cold-hearted bitch who wanted nothing to do with him. She could do that herself. Her and I needed to have a talk.
Seth was tired. He was barely functioning on the higher levels. The short walk we took down the hall, to the elevator, and down the pediatric hall was enough to leave him exhausted. He just stood with a shaky grip on my arm and stared at the wall. He seemed to be searching the wall for something; like the wall held the answers to all of his questions. But, I knew, it was just an overly bright rainbow painted on a wall, where someone had stuck their gum on the red stripe and someone had written "Jen McGoun is a SLUT" in the middle of the big yellow sun.
I realized that Seth's shaky hand was vibrating my arm. I looked up at him, and, seeing, him breathing hard and looking very pale, I said, "Hey, do you think you've had enough walk for today?"
Seth shook his head. "No… I want to stay out here. I think I'm becoming claustrophobic from my damn room." He continued to search the wall, looking slightly desperate this time. He was clinging to something, and going back to his room would be letting it go.
I wanted more than anything to collapse into a heap on the floor with him and cry. I wanted to crack as much as I knew he did, but for the sake of each other, we held on. But, although we stood strong, neither of us would front. Every night when I had to go back home, I would wake Seth up if he was asleep (which was most of the time) and we would have a moment to talk and say good-night to each other. Then I would hug him, and I would feel his weak yet desperate grip on me, and I would feel my fear nag at me. I didn't know exactly how we both became so dependent on each other, but I knew that there was nothing I wouldn't do if it would make him okay again.
Seth's trembling was starting to pick up more and I was beginning to get worried. I took his clammy hand in mine and moved it off my arm. He finally looked at me. "I think I should be getting you back to your room."
Seth started to protest, but I shook my head. "Seriously, dude, if you don't get back to bed soon, you're going to fall into a nasty pale heap on the floor and die and I don't wanna have to explain that to your mom. She might get mad at me, or something."
Seth eyed me humorously. "Ryan Atwood, you're becoming hilarious. I fear for my status as 'the funny one' in the family."
We turned and I led him down the hall towards the elevator with my arm wrapped around his waist and his arm around my shoulders. "You should be. Pretty soon you and your mom will be telling each other Knock-knock jokes for laughs."
Seth made a disgusted look and I grinned. He was one of a kind.
As soon as we got into the elevator, Seth moved to the back and leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. All the energy that had previously made up Seth Cohen was draining away. All he ever did was sleep and puke some. I had seen more of Seth's meals than I think he had recently. And there wasn't much food in the vomit mixture since he didn't really eat much. His appetite was virtually gone, and the chemotherapy had affected his taste buds. The sight of his thin, trembling body made me hurt for him.
When the elevator stopped on the oncology floor, I practically had to wake Seth up and drag him out. I took a hold of him and we made our way down the hall to his room.
Seth sighed. "I'm so tired. I just wanna lie down with Captain Oats and-" We stepped in the room and stopped. We were greeted by the presence of Marissa and Luke.
Marissa smiled a little too brightly. "Hey, guys! How's it going?"
"Uhh…good," Seth said, more than a little surprised by the unexpected visit. Marissa and Luke both grinned at us expectantly, and I'm sure both me and Seth were a little disappointed. The nap we were both craving appeared like it wasn't happening.
"Seth, man, I brought you some homework." I looked at Luke and saw he was holding The Great Gatsby and a Calculus book. Homework. Yay.
"Thanks," Seth replied halfheartedly. I glanced at him and, noticing his shaky knees, tried to lead him to sit on the bed. I was a little started when he shook me off, and made his way unsteadily to the bed alone. He avoided looking in the direction of Luke and Marissa, and they lowered their eyes. Ah, Cohen pride. I had begun to believe there was no such thing.
Marissa looked around nervously, and I suddenly became aware of the fact that she was wearing a pink and white striped dress. The same dress, in fact, that she had been wearing when we broke her out of here a few months ago.
Apparently, Seth noticed too. "That's an, uh, interesting dress there, Marissa."
Marissa finally looked at Seth, smiled, and glanced down at her dress. "Yeah. I decided to volunteer. Summer's done it for years, so-" She cut herself off, and glanced at Luke. Apparently they both realized she'd slipped up and said the 'S' word.
I looked at Seth, but he was just sitting on the bed and playing with the bed sheet. Whether Marissa's mention of Summer effected him or not, he wasn't showing it.
We all just kind of stood there for a moment, avoiding eye contact with each other. An awkward silence fell over us, when I could tell all Seth wanted to do was curl up into a ball and fall asleep.
Seth, of course, broke the silence with "So, you're volunteering? How very charitable of you."
The sarcasm was blaringly evident, no matter how veiled it was. Seth's wit was his ultimate defense against pain. I had my fists, Seth had his humor.
Marissa blushed, and Seth looked ashamed. "Sorry, that came out wrong."
Marissa shook her head and forced a smile. "No. No problem. I just thought, maybe I would get to see you more often. You know, a friendly face here might be good."
I watched as Seth mustered up as much enthusiasm as his tired body could. "Great. That'd be cool."
Another uncomfortable silence fell over the room. This time, it was broken by Luke. "Dude, Cohen, guess what happened in English today?"
Luke's overly enthusiastic ear-to-ear grin I guess must have cracked Seth, since we both were aware of the nature of Luke's sense of humor. "What happened in English today, Ward?" Seth mocked subtly.
Luckily, Luke wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. "Aw, it was so cool! Mr. Taylor was yelling at Dan Fields for snapping this girl's bra, and he blew this massive booger out of his nose and it hit the girl right on the forehead. It was sooo funny!"
I had to smile, and I actually heard Seth chuckle. "Oh, man, that's priceless."
Marissa looked slightly disgusted, but she smiled too. It was good to have friends, and I was glad Seth had more than just me now.
But I noticed Seth's eyelids drooping and his face looking strained. I tried to catch Marissa's eye in hopes that she would take the hint. She looked at me, then grabbed Luke's arm and said, "Well, we need to get going. I have a lot of homework to do."
Luke looked confused, but once he saw me he nodded with understanding and said, "Oh! Yeah, I've got…uh…stuff…"
Seth once asked me how I convey everything with a look. I wasn't sure, but it had always worked for me.
"Bye, Seth," Marissa said and kissed him on the cheek.
"Bye," he replied through a yawn.
"Later, Cohen." Luke tried a manly handshake that didn't go too well with Seth.
"Bye, man."
I kissed Marissa on her way out, and thanked God that she was able to read me so well. Then I gazed at Seth and watched him slip further towards sleep. I grabbed The Great Gatsby from the chair where Luke had left it and sat in the chair by the bed. I read through the first couple of pages when I heard Seth move. I looked up and he was laying on his side with his hand under his pillow, looking hard at me.
"What?" I asked.
Seth waited a moment before answering, like he was still trying to remember what to say. "Now that Marissa's volunteering as a candy striper, she's going to be seeing me a lot more while I'm in here."
I searched around for his point, but as always came up empty. I should really just stop trying and get straight to the confused part. "Yea…"
Seth rolled his eyes again and sighed. "Yea, and, I'm forever barfing up my orange jell-o and frog intestines they like to call food here. That's kind of embarrassing."
I nodded my understanding. "Ah. Gotcha. But, you know, I've seen you barf many times. I don't care."
"Yeah, but you're different. You've got that manly toughiness thing. This is Marissa Cooper, Princess, we're talking about. The sight of my vomit might be too much for her to handle and she might lose her cookies too. Wouldn't that be fun."
Okay, The Point finally clicked. I nodded, then went back to reading. Sensing, though, that Seth was still watching me, I looked back up. I saw a weird look of pondering on his face.
"What?" I asked again.
"What if she ever has to give me a sponge-bath?"
We both absorbed the prospect, and we equally scrunched up our noses in disgust.
"Ew," we said together.
***
School felt so…wrong, without Seth around. Though we only had French together, it was like you could feel him inside the walls of the school. Seth had kind of an undeniable presence, which made me wonder exactly how he could be so ignored around the school. Or, maybe it was just me and how I felt about him. It was nice to have a best friend. After all those years of living in Chino, I never had someone I could really call a "best friend." I had people to hang out with behind the football field to get high, but I never had someone that would save all his green beans at dinner for me because he knew they were my favorite. I never had someone who, after I FINALLY beat Kingdom Hearts, would make me a funny little Certificate of Achievement as a reward.
Sometimes I wondered how lucky I could be. Even Trey had said that I got another chance. I had a family, a family that actually acted like one. I had a beautiful girlfriend who was sweet and caring and loved me enough to sacrifice everything that had been comfortable and normal in her life. And the most wonderful person in the world was my best friend. We were complete polar opposites. I knew that I had trust issues; I was quiet and withdrawn, but this boy's innocent enthusiasm broke through my shield like no one else ever has. I just couldn't help feeling, maybe it was too good to last, and it was only a matter of time before it all hit the fan.
I was sitting on the steps outside the school, trying hard to get through the first chapter of The Great Gatsby, pondering my new life, when a slim shadow fell over me. I glanced up, and had to suppress a great urge to throw the book at the person in front of me.
I sighed. "What?"
Summer shifted her weight from foot to foot, looking a combination of nervous and impatient, and said, "How is Seth?"
I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping. "What the hell- why do you care?"
Summer rolled her eyes, avoiding looking at me. "I just…" she seemed to look around anywhere but my eyes. "I was wondering if he was okay-"
I started to gather my stuff, not believing she had the nerve to ask me that. "This is bullshit, Summer."
I stood up and tried to walk away, but Summer put her short frame in front of me and tried to look intimidating. I guess she figured if it worked on Seth…
"I want to know how he's doing," she insisted.
"No you don't," I practically yelled. I slung my book bag over my shoulder. "I don't know what you want, but you don't care about how Seth's doing. If you did, you wouldn't have abandoned him."
Seeming to have struck a nerve, Summer looked down at her baby pink Mary Janes. "I didn't abandon him."
I felt anger rise in me that I didn't know I had. "What the hell do you want to call it then? I tell you that your boyfriend has cancer, and you disappear into whatever abyss let's you max out your daddy's credit card with slutty shit you call clothes and completely forget about the one person who thinks there's something worthwhile about you."
Summer continued to stare at the ground. I seriously hoped I had some effect, because it felt really good to hurt her at that moment. "I love Seth; he's wonderful and funny and smart but how the fuck he ever saw something in you, I haven't a clue!"
Summer seemed as shocked as I was at my choice of language, but she still didn't look up. "You're a spoiled little brat who thinks of no one but yourself. I don't understand you Summer! Why do you even pretend to care about Seth?" Summer finally glanced around, noticing the people staring at us, but I didn't care I was making a scene. All of my anger and frustration was pouring out and it was aimed directly at the one person I wanted it to be.
Summer looked guilty, then looked around and noticed the people watching her as they walked by. Then the whiney superficial look found it's way back to her face. "Look, Chino, I have stuff I have to do. My life does not revolve around my boyfriend, like some people." She looked at me pointedly. "I just, you know, wanted to ask how he was."
"Why don't you just go see him? ONCE."
She seemed to try to search for a suitable answer, still looking bratty. "I just… I don't really think he's right for me. He's such a freakin nerd-"
It happened so fast I barely had enough time to stop myself. Summer flinched, then looked at my hand frozen in the air, her mouth hanging open. I stared at her wide-eyed, shocked about what I'd almost done. I was standing mere inches away from her, my flattened palm hovering above her head. I almost hit her. I almost hit a girl.
Summer backed away from me and I slowly lowered my hand. We stared at each other for a moment, both our eyes wide from the shock. Then I opened my mouth to apologize, and she quickly turned around. She moved like she was going to walk away, but she stopped, and I saw her bring her hand up to her mouth. She froze, making no sound or movement, while I waited for her to say something.
It was an excruciating wait until she slowly turned back around, her white pleated skirt swishing slightly. When she faced me again, there were tears streaming steadily down her face. I looked at her, confused at how I could have caused that. I knew it was wrong to hit a girl, but I didn't actually get that far, and I thought Summer was tougher than that. "Summer, I-"
She cut me off by raising her hand. She took a deep breath and wiped away a tear. "I loved my mom, like every girl does, more than anything." She paused, and I wondered exactly what that had to do with anything. "And she left me. She just got up and left. I haven't loved many people in my life, but in my experience, it's kind of a temporary thing."
I hoped my confusion didn't show on my face, because I would hate to be on the wrong end of an infamous Summer rage blackout. But I was intrigued, knowing that Summer never opened up this much, and certainly not to me.
She shrugged. "What happens if I hang around with Seth, making him feel better, and he just…" She looked like she, like everyone else, couldn't bring herself to say it. But Summer ultimately became Summer, and Summer was fearless. "He just dies. I'm a selfish, spoiled little bitch, so naturally I'm wondering what happens to me." Her voice cracked on the last word, and fresh tears poured out of her eyes. She looked…shocked at her own self-involvement. "Seth is being treated for cancer, and I can't help but think that if it doesn't work, and he dies…" Summer covered her face with her hands, and sank to the ground. "Then I'm going to be left all alone again."
She then began sobbing into her hands. I glanced around the abandoned schoolyard, assuming we'd missed the bell. Oh well, it was just French. French without Seth, and it was pointless.
I didn't know what to say in response to Summer's rant. I felt like I had no business knowing everything she had just confessed to me. But now I felt sympathy for the bitch who was breaking my best friend's heart.
Summer calmed down, and finally looked at me. "I can't feel this way about him. Because he'll just leave me."
She just looked at me, waiting for me to respond. I stared at her pitifully, sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk with her eyes blood-shot and her hair a mess. I'm sure that if I wanted to, I could see her underwear, from the way she was sitting. I wiped the sweat off my chin, and sat down across from her. "I don't know exactly what has happened to you in the past. I know that people have hurt me and left me, and I know how hard it is to love people sometimes. Loving comes naturally to people like Seth." I shook my head. "But not for us. We have to work at it, and it's a give and take thing. It takes risk and sacrifice." I eyed her compassionately. "And I know you love him, all of his geekiness." The smallest hint of a smile showed itself on her face. "And I know you're scared."
I stood up as I shook my head again. "But you can't keep doing this to him. He needs you right now."
Summer looked down at her lap and nodded her head. I gathered my books yet again and shouldered my bag. "You don't have the time to be selfish now."
I walked away towards the main building of the school, leaving Summer sitting sprawled on the ground, thinking about Seth. I left with my anger gone, and my fear just a little bit less.
***
Read. Review. You know the drill, kind people. And thank you once again to Molly. You're so great!
All my sincerest gratitude to Molly. You've been a great source of encouragement for me and I can't wait to see your story posted. Thanks so much!
*****
"Rainbows are lame."
I shook my head and did a double take out of my wistful pondering. "Huh?"
Seth didn't look at me; he stared curiously at the wall of the pediatric floor's hall. The wall had a big, bright rainbow with a pot of gold at the end of it painted on it. A desperate attempt to bring some cheer to the dreary white-ness of the hospital. "Look at it," he said and pointed. I looked hard at the rainbow, trying desperately to get his point.
A moment of looking, and I was unsuccessful. "What are you talking about?"
He sighed and rolled his eyes, like I was some sort of imbecile because I didn't know what the hell he was rambling about. Like it was something new that I didn't understand what he was saying.
"Rainbows are never that bright. They're always dull pastel colors and they do absolutely nothing to brighten up the sky after it rains and of course they don't even begin to make up for the damn ark and what rainbow have you ever seen with pink in it?"
I eyed him. I desperately tried to see the point of all that, but I had resigned myself to the fact that Seth was…different. No one would ever fully understand the way he works, though I'd like to believe I came closer than most.
"That's…interesting."
Seth nodded and gazed back at the wall. He seemed off in SethLand, as we have all come to call it. "Leprechauns used to freak me out as a child. I think it was the little green hats. Or that horror movie, I'm not sure."
Seth and I had taken a walk around the hospital. The doctor said it would be good for him, to get his circulation flowing. Plus, I could tell he was bored out of his mind. Only Seth would have time to be bored with all of his pain and misery. I gazed at him sadly. He was extremely pale, and sick, and his curly brown hair I could tell was beginning to fall out. It was thinning, though I think he was hoping none of us had noticed. I was also aware that I was probably the only person who knew exactly how much Seth was struggling. I knew that the chemo was painful, and he was holding on harder than I could imagine. He was barely able to walk a few feet down the hall without me having to hold him upright. But he didn't complain, at all. I was quite proud of him.
Seth looked down at the floor, his pathetic attempt at looking casual. "So…have you, uh, seen Summer?"
I swallowed. "Uh, I've seen her around school some."
"Did you talk to her?"
I lowered my eyes. "No." Not only was Seth suffering through cancer treatment, but his heart was breaking. I had never been more pissed at someone in my entire life than I was at Summer Roberts. She hadn't seen or spoken to Seth since I called her and told her that he had leukemia on that first day. I didn't know why she was avoiding him, but I couldn't believe she was being so selfish. It was hurting him so much; he needed the support. God knows why, but he loved her.
Seth nodded, but the hurt in his eyes was blaringly evident. I put my hand on his shoulder in a hopefully comforting way. "You okay?"
"Yeah. She's probably just really busy, right?" He searched my eyes hopefully, waiting for me to confirm his excuse. I just nodded. I wasn't going to be the one to tell him that the love of his life was a cold-hearted bitch who wanted nothing to do with him. She could do that herself. Her and I needed to have a talk.
Seth was tired. He was barely functioning on the higher levels. The short walk we took down the hall, to the elevator, and down the pediatric hall was enough to leave him exhausted. He just stood with a shaky grip on my arm and stared at the wall. He seemed to be searching the wall for something; like the wall held the answers to all of his questions. But, I knew, it was just an overly bright rainbow painted on a wall, where someone had stuck their gum on the red stripe and someone had written "Jen McGoun is a SLUT" in the middle of the big yellow sun.
I realized that Seth's shaky hand was vibrating my arm. I looked up at him, and, seeing, him breathing hard and looking very pale, I said, "Hey, do you think you've had enough walk for today?"
Seth shook his head. "No… I want to stay out here. I think I'm becoming claustrophobic from my damn room." He continued to search the wall, looking slightly desperate this time. He was clinging to something, and going back to his room would be letting it go.
I wanted more than anything to collapse into a heap on the floor with him and cry. I wanted to crack as much as I knew he did, but for the sake of each other, we held on. But, although we stood strong, neither of us would front. Every night when I had to go back home, I would wake Seth up if he was asleep (which was most of the time) and we would have a moment to talk and say good-night to each other. Then I would hug him, and I would feel his weak yet desperate grip on me, and I would feel my fear nag at me. I didn't know exactly how we both became so dependent on each other, but I knew that there was nothing I wouldn't do if it would make him okay again.
Seth's trembling was starting to pick up more and I was beginning to get worried. I took his clammy hand in mine and moved it off my arm. He finally looked at me. "I think I should be getting you back to your room."
Seth started to protest, but I shook my head. "Seriously, dude, if you don't get back to bed soon, you're going to fall into a nasty pale heap on the floor and die and I don't wanna have to explain that to your mom. She might get mad at me, or something."
Seth eyed me humorously. "Ryan Atwood, you're becoming hilarious. I fear for my status as 'the funny one' in the family."
We turned and I led him down the hall towards the elevator with my arm wrapped around his waist and his arm around my shoulders. "You should be. Pretty soon you and your mom will be telling each other Knock-knock jokes for laughs."
Seth made a disgusted look and I grinned. He was one of a kind.
As soon as we got into the elevator, Seth moved to the back and leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. All the energy that had previously made up Seth Cohen was draining away. All he ever did was sleep and puke some. I had seen more of Seth's meals than I think he had recently. And there wasn't much food in the vomit mixture since he didn't really eat much. His appetite was virtually gone, and the chemotherapy had affected his taste buds. The sight of his thin, trembling body made me hurt for him.
When the elevator stopped on the oncology floor, I practically had to wake Seth up and drag him out. I took a hold of him and we made our way down the hall to his room.
Seth sighed. "I'm so tired. I just wanna lie down with Captain Oats and-" We stepped in the room and stopped. We were greeted by the presence of Marissa and Luke.
Marissa smiled a little too brightly. "Hey, guys! How's it going?"
"Uhh…good," Seth said, more than a little surprised by the unexpected visit. Marissa and Luke both grinned at us expectantly, and I'm sure both me and Seth were a little disappointed. The nap we were both craving appeared like it wasn't happening.
"Seth, man, I brought you some homework." I looked at Luke and saw he was holding The Great Gatsby and a Calculus book. Homework. Yay.
"Thanks," Seth replied halfheartedly. I glanced at him and, noticing his shaky knees, tried to lead him to sit on the bed. I was a little started when he shook me off, and made his way unsteadily to the bed alone. He avoided looking in the direction of Luke and Marissa, and they lowered their eyes. Ah, Cohen pride. I had begun to believe there was no such thing.
Marissa looked around nervously, and I suddenly became aware of the fact that she was wearing a pink and white striped dress. The same dress, in fact, that she had been wearing when we broke her out of here a few months ago.
Apparently, Seth noticed too. "That's an, uh, interesting dress there, Marissa."
Marissa finally looked at Seth, smiled, and glanced down at her dress. "Yeah. I decided to volunteer. Summer's done it for years, so-" She cut herself off, and glanced at Luke. Apparently they both realized she'd slipped up and said the 'S' word.
I looked at Seth, but he was just sitting on the bed and playing with the bed sheet. Whether Marissa's mention of Summer effected him or not, he wasn't showing it.
We all just kind of stood there for a moment, avoiding eye contact with each other. An awkward silence fell over us, when I could tell all Seth wanted to do was curl up into a ball and fall asleep.
Seth, of course, broke the silence with "So, you're volunteering? How very charitable of you."
The sarcasm was blaringly evident, no matter how veiled it was. Seth's wit was his ultimate defense against pain. I had my fists, Seth had his humor.
Marissa blushed, and Seth looked ashamed. "Sorry, that came out wrong."
Marissa shook her head and forced a smile. "No. No problem. I just thought, maybe I would get to see you more often. You know, a friendly face here might be good."
I watched as Seth mustered up as much enthusiasm as his tired body could. "Great. That'd be cool."
Another uncomfortable silence fell over the room. This time, it was broken by Luke. "Dude, Cohen, guess what happened in English today?"
Luke's overly enthusiastic ear-to-ear grin I guess must have cracked Seth, since we both were aware of the nature of Luke's sense of humor. "What happened in English today, Ward?" Seth mocked subtly.
Luckily, Luke wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. "Aw, it was so cool! Mr. Taylor was yelling at Dan Fields for snapping this girl's bra, and he blew this massive booger out of his nose and it hit the girl right on the forehead. It was sooo funny!"
I had to smile, and I actually heard Seth chuckle. "Oh, man, that's priceless."
Marissa looked slightly disgusted, but she smiled too. It was good to have friends, and I was glad Seth had more than just me now.
But I noticed Seth's eyelids drooping and his face looking strained. I tried to catch Marissa's eye in hopes that she would take the hint. She looked at me, then grabbed Luke's arm and said, "Well, we need to get going. I have a lot of homework to do."
Luke looked confused, but once he saw me he nodded with understanding and said, "Oh! Yeah, I've got…uh…stuff…"
Seth once asked me how I convey everything with a look. I wasn't sure, but it had always worked for me.
"Bye, Seth," Marissa said and kissed him on the cheek.
"Bye," he replied through a yawn.
"Later, Cohen." Luke tried a manly handshake that didn't go too well with Seth.
"Bye, man."
I kissed Marissa on her way out, and thanked God that she was able to read me so well. Then I gazed at Seth and watched him slip further towards sleep. I grabbed The Great Gatsby from the chair where Luke had left it and sat in the chair by the bed. I read through the first couple of pages when I heard Seth move. I looked up and he was laying on his side with his hand under his pillow, looking hard at me.
"What?" I asked.
Seth waited a moment before answering, like he was still trying to remember what to say. "Now that Marissa's volunteering as a candy striper, she's going to be seeing me a lot more while I'm in here."
I searched around for his point, but as always came up empty. I should really just stop trying and get straight to the confused part. "Yea…"
Seth rolled his eyes again and sighed. "Yea, and, I'm forever barfing up my orange jell-o and frog intestines they like to call food here. That's kind of embarrassing."
I nodded my understanding. "Ah. Gotcha. But, you know, I've seen you barf many times. I don't care."
"Yeah, but you're different. You've got that manly toughiness thing. This is Marissa Cooper, Princess, we're talking about. The sight of my vomit might be too much for her to handle and she might lose her cookies too. Wouldn't that be fun."
Okay, The Point finally clicked. I nodded, then went back to reading. Sensing, though, that Seth was still watching me, I looked back up. I saw a weird look of pondering on his face.
"What?" I asked again.
"What if she ever has to give me a sponge-bath?"
We both absorbed the prospect, and we equally scrunched up our noses in disgust.
"Ew," we said together.
***
School felt so…wrong, without Seth around. Though we only had French together, it was like you could feel him inside the walls of the school. Seth had kind of an undeniable presence, which made me wonder exactly how he could be so ignored around the school. Or, maybe it was just me and how I felt about him. It was nice to have a best friend. After all those years of living in Chino, I never had someone I could really call a "best friend." I had people to hang out with behind the football field to get high, but I never had someone that would save all his green beans at dinner for me because he knew they were my favorite. I never had someone who, after I FINALLY beat Kingdom Hearts, would make me a funny little Certificate of Achievement as a reward.
Sometimes I wondered how lucky I could be. Even Trey had said that I got another chance. I had a family, a family that actually acted like one. I had a beautiful girlfriend who was sweet and caring and loved me enough to sacrifice everything that had been comfortable and normal in her life. And the most wonderful person in the world was my best friend. We were complete polar opposites. I knew that I had trust issues; I was quiet and withdrawn, but this boy's innocent enthusiasm broke through my shield like no one else ever has. I just couldn't help feeling, maybe it was too good to last, and it was only a matter of time before it all hit the fan.
I was sitting on the steps outside the school, trying hard to get through the first chapter of The Great Gatsby, pondering my new life, when a slim shadow fell over me. I glanced up, and had to suppress a great urge to throw the book at the person in front of me.
I sighed. "What?"
Summer shifted her weight from foot to foot, looking a combination of nervous and impatient, and said, "How is Seth?"
I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping. "What the hell- why do you care?"
Summer rolled her eyes, avoiding looking at me. "I just…" she seemed to look around anywhere but my eyes. "I was wondering if he was okay-"
I started to gather my stuff, not believing she had the nerve to ask me that. "This is bullshit, Summer."
I stood up and tried to walk away, but Summer put her short frame in front of me and tried to look intimidating. I guess she figured if it worked on Seth…
"I want to know how he's doing," she insisted.
"No you don't," I practically yelled. I slung my book bag over my shoulder. "I don't know what you want, but you don't care about how Seth's doing. If you did, you wouldn't have abandoned him."
Seeming to have struck a nerve, Summer looked down at her baby pink Mary Janes. "I didn't abandon him."
I felt anger rise in me that I didn't know I had. "What the hell do you want to call it then? I tell you that your boyfriend has cancer, and you disappear into whatever abyss let's you max out your daddy's credit card with slutty shit you call clothes and completely forget about the one person who thinks there's something worthwhile about you."
Summer continued to stare at the ground. I seriously hoped I had some effect, because it felt really good to hurt her at that moment. "I love Seth; he's wonderful and funny and smart but how the fuck he ever saw something in you, I haven't a clue!"
Summer seemed as shocked as I was at my choice of language, but she still didn't look up. "You're a spoiled little brat who thinks of no one but yourself. I don't understand you Summer! Why do you even pretend to care about Seth?" Summer finally glanced around, noticing the people staring at us, but I didn't care I was making a scene. All of my anger and frustration was pouring out and it was aimed directly at the one person I wanted it to be.
Summer looked guilty, then looked around and noticed the people watching her as they walked by. Then the whiney superficial look found it's way back to her face. "Look, Chino, I have stuff I have to do. My life does not revolve around my boyfriend, like some people." She looked at me pointedly. "I just, you know, wanted to ask how he was."
"Why don't you just go see him? ONCE."
She seemed to try to search for a suitable answer, still looking bratty. "I just… I don't really think he's right for me. He's such a freakin nerd-"
It happened so fast I barely had enough time to stop myself. Summer flinched, then looked at my hand frozen in the air, her mouth hanging open. I stared at her wide-eyed, shocked about what I'd almost done. I was standing mere inches away from her, my flattened palm hovering above her head. I almost hit her. I almost hit a girl.
Summer backed away from me and I slowly lowered my hand. We stared at each other for a moment, both our eyes wide from the shock. Then I opened my mouth to apologize, and she quickly turned around. She moved like she was going to walk away, but she stopped, and I saw her bring her hand up to her mouth. She froze, making no sound or movement, while I waited for her to say something.
It was an excruciating wait until she slowly turned back around, her white pleated skirt swishing slightly. When she faced me again, there were tears streaming steadily down her face. I looked at her, confused at how I could have caused that. I knew it was wrong to hit a girl, but I didn't actually get that far, and I thought Summer was tougher than that. "Summer, I-"
She cut me off by raising her hand. She took a deep breath and wiped away a tear. "I loved my mom, like every girl does, more than anything." She paused, and I wondered exactly what that had to do with anything. "And she left me. She just got up and left. I haven't loved many people in my life, but in my experience, it's kind of a temporary thing."
I hoped my confusion didn't show on my face, because I would hate to be on the wrong end of an infamous Summer rage blackout. But I was intrigued, knowing that Summer never opened up this much, and certainly not to me.
She shrugged. "What happens if I hang around with Seth, making him feel better, and he just…" She looked like she, like everyone else, couldn't bring herself to say it. But Summer ultimately became Summer, and Summer was fearless. "He just dies. I'm a selfish, spoiled little bitch, so naturally I'm wondering what happens to me." Her voice cracked on the last word, and fresh tears poured out of her eyes. She looked…shocked at her own self-involvement. "Seth is being treated for cancer, and I can't help but think that if it doesn't work, and he dies…" Summer covered her face with her hands, and sank to the ground. "Then I'm going to be left all alone again."
She then began sobbing into her hands. I glanced around the abandoned schoolyard, assuming we'd missed the bell. Oh well, it was just French. French without Seth, and it was pointless.
I didn't know what to say in response to Summer's rant. I felt like I had no business knowing everything she had just confessed to me. But now I felt sympathy for the bitch who was breaking my best friend's heart.
Summer calmed down, and finally looked at me. "I can't feel this way about him. Because he'll just leave me."
She just looked at me, waiting for me to respond. I stared at her pitifully, sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk with her eyes blood-shot and her hair a mess. I'm sure that if I wanted to, I could see her underwear, from the way she was sitting. I wiped the sweat off my chin, and sat down across from her. "I don't know exactly what has happened to you in the past. I know that people have hurt me and left me, and I know how hard it is to love people sometimes. Loving comes naturally to people like Seth." I shook my head. "But not for us. We have to work at it, and it's a give and take thing. It takes risk and sacrifice." I eyed her compassionately. "And I know you love him, all of his geekiness." The smallest hint of a smile showed itself on her face. "And I know you're scared."
I stood up as I shook my head again. "But you can't keep doing this to him. He needs you right now."
Summer looked down at her lap and nodded her head. I gathered my books yet again and shouldered my bag. "You don't have the time to be selfish now."
I walked away towards the main building of the school, leaving Summer sitting sprawled on the ground, thinking about Seth. I left with my anger gone, and my fear just a little bit less.
***
Read. Review. You know the drill, kind people. And thank you once again to Molly. You're so great!