I am so deeply sorry it took so long to update. I've just had a lot of stuff going on and not a lot of time to write. I know specifically what's going to happen, so don't worry; I will finish this story, hopefully in a speedy manner. There will only be two more chapters, since I have everything planned and a specific purpose for each chapter, and they will both be from Ryan's point of view, since that's where most of the story comes from. This one, however, is Summer's pov, and I hope you all enjoy it. You are my best inspiration, and of course, an extra thank-you to Molly, for helping me so much. I own nothing, and thanks again!
***
Cohen had insisted I watch Jerry Maguire with him. Apparently, Cameron Crowe was, like, the BEST FILMMAKER EVER! I didn't have a clue who Cameron Crowe was; I agreed because it had Tom Cruise in it. Purrrr. Seth told me that Cameron Crowe "spoke" to people like him, and that I would see what he meant once I saw all of his movies. Well, I saw Say Anything, which was pretty cute, even if the girl was just a tid bit annoying. (Whine much?) And Almost Famous had just a little too much of the music that my dad listened to. New Millennium, Cohen!
But we hadn't made it to Jerry Maguire. I didn't even know what it's about. I just knew Tom Cruise. Sexiness.
The encounter with Ryan was…lot's of things. Weird, Creepy, Enlightening… Whatever. But it changed something for me. It made me realize I was scared of Seth Cohen. Okay, not Seth, but…what Seth could do to me. I had always known that letting someone love you was a risk that I didn't want to take. I think the reason I was okay with being so close to Marissa was because I knew right from the start that I would always love her more than she loved me. I didn't take it personally, either, because I knew that there was no one that Marissa Cooper loved more than Marissa Cooper. Not even Chino. Can't wait till he figures THAT one out.
But Seth Cohen wore his pathetic little bleeding heart on the sleeve of whatever random dork shirt he was wearing that day. I was his Moon and Stars, and that's not conceited, it's just the way it is. For him, I made the sun rise and the world revolve. How do you live up to that?
I decided the best thing to do is not try. Cuz it won't work. You'll suck, and they'll realize this and bail. Even goofy Emo geeks like Seth Cohen. God, he has a cute name. I never noticed that before.
Ew! Shut up! I'm turning into…Coop! I NEVER wanted to turn into one of those giggly freaks who's obsessed with their boyfriend. And then, look what Cohen did to me! Damn it!
Anyway, after Ryan…almost hit me, I sat there, on the sidewalk outside of the school, and cried. (Cohen was already making me cry.) I was… anxious, because I knew now that I'd told Chino everything, it was only a matter of time before I had to suck it up and go see Seth. It's not that I didn't want to see him, it's just that………I…didn't really….want to see him.
What if he was like, on the brink of death, and I hadn't come by in so long that his stink-of-death fuzzied mind didn't recognize me anymore? And he thought I looked ugly and had limp hair and he never wanted to see me again? That might have been stretching it a little, but that was where my mind was wandering sitting on the ground where God and Man I'm sure could see up my skirt.
I felt a rock digging into my thigh, but I couldn't bring myself to move. I wondered how Seth Cohen had become so important to me. I have virtually no childhood memories of him; I spent most of my life trapped in a social bubble that didn't allow nerds like him to intrude. It was hard to admit, but I really wanted to know what he was like as a kid. He knows all these things about me, and I knew nothing about him. And there was no one I could ask; it broke my heart when I realized it, but up until Chino moved in, Seth had no one. No friends, no one but his parents to help him through childhood and adolescence. No one I know remembers him (except Luke; he remembers beating him up a few times), but he was always there. I shuddered when I thought about how lonely he must have been.
My tears fell harder, and a strangled sob escaped my throat. The pain and fear was becoming too much to handle, and I covered my face with my hands. Oh, God, why was I letting this boy do this to me?
I leaned forward, almost burying my face in my lap. I heard footsteps approaching, but I couldn't react. My stomach was cramping up and I thought I was going to hurl.
I heard the person stop right in front of me. They stood there for a moment, and I expected them to say something. Instead, whoever it was shifted until they were sitting on their knees in front of me. I wanted to look up, because my back was hurting, but I only got as far as the person's knees. The bright orange tights and the green skirt was a dead giveaway that it was Anna.
I closed my eyes again, and waited for it. I expected a tongue-lashing to rival Ryan's; I expected Anna to unload all of her jealousy and hatred out on me. What I didn't expect was for her to say nothing.
I heard nothing come out of her mouth, but I saw her hand creep into my line of sight, and she reached out to where my hand was resting on my knee, and she took it in hers. I stared at our hands, gazing at her yellow nail polish. Her fingers were soft and warm, and I felt safer with her holding my hand. I finally looked up at her face, and saw nothing resembling anger; I just saw compassion and… understanding.
Anna stroked my hand with her thumb and fresh tears broke free. I threw away any tiny shred of restraint I was holding onto, and I somehow fell into Anna's arms. I clung to her and I felt her rub my back in a comforting way.
I cried into her shoulder, letting my tears soak her shirt. Why I was finding so much comfort in Anna, I don't know. But her arms were just so warm and inviting. I gripped the fabric of her shirt and sobbed, "This isn't fair."
I felt her sigh, and she replied, "I know it's not."
"Why did this have to happen?"
"You're asking the wrong person, Summer."
I cried my heart out for a moment before my emotions finally let me have some control back. I pulled away from Anna, but she kept a hand on my elbow, as if she was preparing in case I lost it again. I wiped at my eyes and looked at her understanding face. "I'm sorry," I said, not knowing what else I could say.
She smiled a little, and then shook her head. "Thanks, but…you know I'm not the one you should apologize to."
She looked me in the eyes, and I nodded. "I know."
We sat there for a moment in silence, on the dirty sidewalk with a certain curly-headed boy on our minds. "What do you think I should do?" I asked after a while.
Anna looked at me, her eyes twinkling in that way that reminds me how much like Seth she was. It kinda made me jealous. "You're a smart cookie Summer. I'm sure you know."
Then she stood up, patted my arm, and walked away. I slumped my shoulders and stared at the ground. I knew that I had to see him, and I knew it was going to be hard. I instinctively stuck out my lower lip. Then I stood up and walked away from the school, abandoning English. I headed to the video store.
***
The glaringly white walls of the hospital gave me a chill. I hated white. My favorite color was purple, but I was just a general fan of bright colors. There was something exciting and cheerful about them. That's one reason Chino bugged me so much. How many plain white wife-beaters can a man own? But my Cohen was always wearing colorful clothing. He was bright and exuberant and his toothy grin never failed to warm my toes.
I arrived on the oncology floor and made my way down the hall to Seth's room, video in hand. I saw the door was slightly open. As I pushed the door open, my stomach turned. I had no idea what to expect when I walked into the room. It was dark, but a dim light was coming from the wall above the bed. I almost giggled when I saw Ryan sitting asleep in the blue chair next to the bed, The Great Gatsby lying open on his lap. I rolled my eyes when I saw he was only halfway through the first chapter.
I glanced at the bed, and found it empty. The sheets were rumpled though, and when I sat on the mattress, I found it was still kind of warm. I bit my lip, resigning myself to my last resort, and reached out and shook Chino's shoulder. I shook him harder when he didn't wake up immediately. He was suddenly startled out of sleep, looking around wildly and dropping the book out of his lap. I crossed my arms waiting for him to calm down, and when he did, he looked at me and squinted.
"Summer?" He rubbed his eyes.
"That's me."
Ryan looked around, slightly disoriented, and then looked at me thoughtfully. As if he was suddenly remembering what had happened. "So, you came," he said rather emotionless.
I suddenly found it hard to look in his eyes. I nodded, and hugged myself tighter. "I… realized that…" Wow, this sucked. "You were right."
I knew that the bastard wanted to smirk. I just knew it. But of course, he didn't. Chino would never stoop that low. He just sighed, looked around, and said, "Well, I guess he's in the bathroom. We both kinda just nodded off."
He stood up, brushed his hands off on his jeans, (why does he do that? There's no purpose.) and looked down at me. He gazed at me in that intense broody Chino way of his, making me a little uncomfortable. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. He just gave me a half smile and left the room.
I looked around. Brightly colored flowers crowded the room. I got up and looked at them, seeing that most of them were from Jimmy and Marissa Cooper, and also from Caleb Nichol. Some were from teachers; a small bamboo plant was from Anna. I suddenly felt desperately embarrassed for not bringing any.
I was about to make a mad dash for the gift shop when I heard the bathroom door open. I turned around quickly, seeing Seth standing in the doorway staring at me, and I stopped short.
I couldn't stop my eyes from staring directly at Seth's completely bald head. I was desperately hoping my jaw didn't drop. We were both startled silent. He looked terrible. I was sure I could see straight through his pale skin. And nothing could have prepared me for a hairless Cohen.
We stared at each other for a while, taking each other in. I suddenly saw him in my head that night in his room, dancing to Ryan Adams. His arms tightly around me. I remember thinking his hair smelled like peaches. Not very manly, granted, but it became the most comforting smell in the world to me. I began to miss every obnoxiously curly hair on his head.
Seth finally looked away, down at his feet, but I couldn't look away from his head. My stomach sank to my knees.
"Well, uh…" Seth started, his voice scratchy and tired. "How about we start with the hair." He looked at me, a sad look in his eyes while he smiled and attempted humor. "I like it. How about you? I was thinking maybe some wax and I can shine this sucker down-"
"Cohen!" I closed my eyes and held up my hand. When I opened them back up, Seth was frozen in an almost funny way with his mouth hanging open. "Stop. You never stop babbling. Why?"
It had no relevance, and I'm not sure where it came from. Seth looked at the floor. But after I started, I couldn't stop. "I love you." Seth's head shot up. "I know I've never said that to you, but I have a reason. My reason doesn't really make sense to the outside world, but it does to me. I can't love you. It sucks and it makes me want to cry and go buy cook books and crap. I don't know why I let you do this to me Cohen!
"Sometimes, it's good." I looked deeply into his eyes. He has the most adorable eyes, although now they were tired and red. "When I'm around you, I get the best buzz. I don't understand it, and I can't describe it, but this feeling just takes over me. But then when I'm not with you, it starts to hurt. My stomach feels bad and I'm taken over by this fear that I won't ever see you again."
I felt my tears falling steadily now, and I realized I was pacing back and forth around the room. "When Chino told me that you…had cancer, I couldn't help but think of me, and what I would do if you didn't get better. It hurt so much when I thought about it, that I couldn't stand it." I was full out sobbing by this point. "That's why I didn't come by. I was hoping that if I just stayed away, these feelings would just go away and I wouldn't feel as bad. But it didn't work, and now I just want to hold you.
"Last night I remembered it." Seth looked at me funny. "I remembered it because everyone was laughing at you because your best friend was a plastic horse." Cohen still looked confused, so I took a deep breath and recited the words that I had long since forgotten, but by some force of nature, awoke to the night before in a sudden memory of a skinny little boy standing in front of the class with his hands shaking:
"I wish I were a horse
And had a swishy brown tail.
I would walk around in the dewy grass
With my best friend by my side.
We would run around in a green field
With the sun warming our backs.
And we would be free to have fun
And everyone would like us
Just because we were horses
And God's beautiful creatures."
Seth was staring at me at a complete loss for words. I looked around, searching for the words that I wanted to say. What I came up with, I wasn't sure where I'd gotten from, but I somehow knew it was right.
"You complete me."
Seth's eyes widened. I was frightened, afraid I'd said the wrong thing. I said quickly, "But none of that matters and if you don't want to see me anymore I understand, I just want you to forgive me-"
"Shut up."
My mouth slammed shut. I wanted to barf. 'God, this is what I was scared of.' I looked at Cohen, my mascara smeared all over my face. But he didn't look angry.
Seth started to move slowly towards me, and he said, "You had me at 'Cohen.'"
I didn't get it. But I didn't have to, because he moved closer to me and pressed his lips to mine. He tasted like vomit and jell-o, but I hardly noticed. His arms wrapped around me, and I was suddenly…me.
He pulled away, and grabbed at the video in my hand. He read the title and smiled. "'Jerry Maguire.' That's my girl."
And he kissed me again. And my world fell into place again.
***
Sorry it's so short, but it got done what it needed to. Read and review! Love always.
***
Cohen had insisted I watch Jerry Maguire with him. Apparently, Cameron Crowe was, like, the BEST FILMMAKER EVER! I didn't have a clue who Cameron Crowe was; I agreed because it had Tom Cruise in it. Purrrr. Seth told me that Cameron Crowe "spoke" to people like him, and that I would see what he meant once I saw all of his movies. Well, I saw Say Anything, which was pretty cute, even if the girl was just a tid bit annoying. (Whine much?) And Almost Famous had just a little too much of the music that my dad listened to. New Millennium, Cohen!
But we hadn't made it to Jerry Maguire. I didn't even know what it's about. I just knew Tom Cruise. Sexiness.
The encounter with Ryan was…lot's of things. Weird, Creepy, Enlightening… Whatever. But it changed something for me. It made me realize I was scared of Seth Cohen. Okay, not Seth, but…what Seth could do to me. I had always known that letting someone love you was a risk that I didn't want to take. I think the reason I was okay with being so close to Marissa was because I knew right from the start that I would always love her more than she loved me. I didn't take it personally, either, because I knew that there was no one that Marissa Cooper loved more than Marissa Cooper. Not even Chino. Can't wait till he figures THAT one out.
But Seth Cohen wore his pathetic little bleeding heart on the sleeve of whatever random dork shirt he was wearing that day. I was his Moon and Stars, and that's not conceited, it's just the way it is. For him, I made the sun rise and the world revolve. How do you live up to that?
I decided the best thing to do is not try. Cuz it won't work. You'll suck, and they'll realize this and bail. Even goofy Emo geeks like Seth Cohen. God, he has a cute name. I never noticed that before.
Ew! Shut up! I'm turning into…Coop! I NEVER wanted to turn into one of those giggly freaks who's obsessed with their boyfriend. And then, look what Cohen did to me! Damn it!
Anyway, after Ryan…almost hit me, I sat there, on the sidewalk outside of the school, and cried. (Cohen was already making me cry.) I was… anxious, because I knew now that I'd told Chino everything, it was only a matter of time before I had to suck it up and go see Seth. It's not that I didn't want to see him, it's just that………I…didn't really….want to see him.
What if he was like, on the brink of death, and I hadn't come by in so long that his stink-of-death fuzzied mind didn't recognize me anymore? And he thought I looked ugly and had limp hair and he never wanted to see me again? That might have been stretching it a little, but that was where my mind was wandering sitting on the ground where God and Man I'm sure could see up my skirt.
I felt a rock digging into my thigh, but I couldn't bring myself to move. I wondered how Seth Cohen had become so important to me. I have virtually no childhood memories of him; I spent most of my life trapped in a social bubble that didn't allow nerds like him to intrude. It was hard to admit, but I really wanted to know what he was like as a kid. He knows all these things about me, and I knew nothing about him. And there was no one I could ask; it broke my heart when I realized it, but up until Chino moved in, Seth had no one. No friends, no one but his parents to help him through childhood and adolescence. No one I know remembers him (except Luke; he remembers beating him up a few times), but he was always there. I shuddered when I thought about how lonely he must have been.
My tears fell harder, and a strangled sob escaped my throat. The pain and fear was becoming too much to handle, and I covered my face with my hands. Oh, God, why was I letting this boy do this to me?
I leaned forward, almost burying my face in my lap. I heard footsteps approaching, but I couldn't react. My stomach was cramping up and I thought I was going to hurl.
I heard the person stop right in front of me. They stood there for a moment, and I expected them to say something. Instead, whoever it was shifted until they were sitting on their knees in front of me. I wanted to look up, because my back was hurting, but I only got as far as the person's knees. The bright orange tights and the green skirt was a dead giveaway that it was Anna.
I closed my eyes again, and waited for it. I expected a tongue-lashing to rival Ryan's; I expected Anna to unload all of her jealousy and hatred out on me. What I didn't expect was for her to say nothing.
I heard nothing come out of her mouth, but I saw her hand creep into my line of sight, and she reached out to where my hand was resting on my knee, and she took it in hers. I stared at our hands, gazing at her yellow nail polish. Her fingers were soft and warm, and I felt safer with her holding my hand. I finally looked up at her face, and saw nothing resembling anger; I just saw compassion and… understanding.
Anna stroked my hand with her thumb and fresh tears broke free. I threw away any tiny shred of restraint I was holding onto, and I somehow fell into Anna's arms. I clung to her and I felt her rub my back in a comforting way.
I cried into her shoulder, letting my tears soak her shirt. Why I was finding so much comfort in Anna, I don't know. But her arms were just so warm and inviting. I gripped the fabric of her shirt and sobbed, "This isn't fair."
I felt her sigh, and she replied, "I know it's not."
"Why did this have to happen?"
"You're asking the wrong person, Summer."
I cried my heart out for a moment before my emotions finally let me have some control back. I pulled away from Anna, but she kept a hand on my elbow, as if she was preparing in case I lost it again. I wiped at my eyes and looked at her understanding face. "I'm sorry," I said, not knowing what else I could say.
She smiled a little, and then shook her head. "Thanks, but…you know I'm not the one you should apologize to."
She looked me in the eyes, and I nodded. "I know."
We sat there for a moment in silence, on the dirty sidewalk with a certain curly-headed boy on our minds. "What do you think I should do?" I asked after a while.
Anna looked at me, her eyes twinkling in that way that reminds me how much like Seth she was. It kinda made me jealous. "You're a smart cookie Summer. I'm sure you know."
Then she stood up, patted my arm, and walked away. I slumped my shoulders and stared at the ground. I knew that I had to see him, and I knew it was going to be hard. I instinctively stuck out my lower lip. Then I stood up and walked away from the school, abandoning English. I headed to the video store.
***
The glaringly white walls of the hospital gave me a chill. I hated white. My favorite color was purple, but I was just a general fan of bright colors. There was something exciting and cheerful about them. That's one reason Chino bugged me so much. How many plain white wife-beaters can a man own? But my Cohen was always wearing colorful clothing. He was bright and exuberant and his toothy grin never failed to warm my toes.
I arrived on the oncology floor and made my way down the hall to Seth's room, video in hand. I saw the door was slightly open. As I pushed the door open, my stomach turned. I had no idea what to expect when I walked into the room. It was dark, but a dim light was coming from the wall above the bed. I almost giggled when I saw Ryan sitting asleep in the blue chair next to the bed, The Great Gatsby lying open on his lap. I rolled my eyes when I saw he was only halfway through the first chapter.
I glanced at the bed, and found it empty. The sheets were rumpled though, and when I sat on the mattress, I found it was still kind of warm. I bit my lip, resigning myself to my last resort, and reached out and shook Chino's shoulder. I shook him harder when he didn't wake up immediately. He was suddenly startled out of sleep, looking around wildly and dropping the book out of his lap. I crossed my arms waiting for him to calm down, and when he did, he looked at me and squinted.
"Summer?" He rubbed his eyes.
"That's me."
Ryan looked around, slightly disoriented, and then looked at me thoughtfully. As if he was suddenly remembering what had happened. "So, you came," he said rather emotionless.
I suddenly found it hard to look in his eyes. I nodded, and hugged myself tighter. "I… realized that…" Wow, this sucked. "You were right."
I knew that the bastard wanted to smirk. I just knew it. But of course, he didn't. Chino would never stoop that low. He just sighed, looked around, and said, "Well, I guess he's in the bathroom. We both kinda just nodded off."
He stood up, brushed his hands off on his jeans, (why does he do that? There's no purpose.) and looked down at me. He gazed at me in that intense broody Chino way of his, making me a little uncomfortable. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. He just gave me a half smile and left the room.
I looked around. Brightly colored flowers crowded the room. I got up and looked at them, seeing that most of them were from Jimmy and Marissa Cooper, and also from Caleb Nichol. Some were from teachers; a small bamboo plant was from Anna. I suddenly felt desperately embarrassed for not bringing any.
I was about to make a mad dash for the gift shop when I heard the bathroom door open. I turned around quickly, seeing Seth standing in the doorway staring at me, and I stopped short.
I couldn't stop my eyes from staring directly at Seth's completely bald head. I was desperately hoping my jaw didn't drop. We were both startled silent. He looked terrible. I was sure I could see straight through his pale skin. And nothing could have prepared me for a hairless Cohen.
We stared at each other for a while, taking each other in. I suddenly saw him in my head that night in his room, dancing to Ryan Adams. His arms tightly around me. I remember thinking his hair smelled like peaches. Not very manly, granted, but it became the most comforting smell in the world to me. I began to miss every obnoxiously curly hair on his head.
Seth finally looked away, down at his feet, but I couldn't look away from his head. My stomach sank to my knees.
"Well, uh…" Seth started, his voice scratchy and tired. "How about we start with the hair." He looked at me, a sad look in his eyes while he smiled and attempted humor. "I like it. How about you? I was thinking maybe some wax and I can shine this sucker down-"
"Cohen!" I closed my eyes and held up my hand. When I opened them back up, Seth was frozen in an almost funny way with his mouth hanging open. "Stop. You never stop babbling. Why?"
It had no relevance, and I'm not sure where it came from. Seth looked at the floor. But after I started, I couldn't stop. "I love you." Seth's head shot up. "I know I've never said that to you, but I have a reason. My reason doesn't really make sense to the outside world, but it does to me. I can't love you. It sucks and it makes me want to cry and go buy cook books and crap. I don't know why I let you do this to me Cohen!
"Sometimes, it's good." I looked deeply into his eyes. He has the most adorable eyes, although now they were tired and red. "When I'm around you, I get the best buzz. I don't understand it, and I can't describe it, but this feeling just takes over me. But then when I'm not with you, it starts to hurt. My stomach feels bad and I'm taken over by this fear that I won't ever see you again."
I felt my tears falling steadily now, and I realized I was pacing back and forth around the room. "When Chino told me that you…had cancer, I couldn't help but think of me, and what I would do if you didn't get better. It hurt so much when I thought about it, that I couldn't stand it." I was full out sobbing by this point. "That's why I didn't come by. I was hoping that if I just stayed away, these feelings would just go away and I wouldn't feel as bad. But it didn't work, and now I just want to hold you.
"Last night I remembered it." Seth looked at me funny. "I remembered it because everyone was laughing at you because your best friend was a plastic horse." Cohen still looked confused, so I took a deep breath and recited the words that I had long since forgotten, but by some force of nature, awoke to the night before in a sudden memory of a skinny little boy standing in front of the class with his hands shaking:
"I wish I were a horse
And had a swishy brown tail.
I would walk around in the dewy grass
With my best friend by my side.
We would run around in a green field
With the sun warming our backs.
And we would be free to have fun
And everyone would like us
Just because we were horses
And God's beautiful creatures."
Seth was staring at me at a complete loss for words. I looked around, searching for the words that I wanted to say. What I came up with, I wasn't sure where I'd gotten from, but I somehow knew it was right.
"You complete me."
Seth's eyes widened. I was frightened, afraid I'd said the wrong thing. I said quickly, "But none of that matters and if you don't want to see me anymore I understand, I just want you to forgive me-"
"Shut up."
My mouth slammed shut. I wanted to barf. 'God, this is what I was scared of.' I looked at Cohen, my mascara smeared all over my face. But he didn't look angry.
Seth started to move slowly towards me, and he said, "You had me at 'Cohen.'"
I didn't get it. But I didn't have to, because he moved closer to me and pressed his lips to mine. He tasted like vomit and jell-o, but I hardly noticed. His arms wrapped around me, and I was suddenly…me.
He pulled away, and grabbed at the video in my hand. He read the title and smiled. "'Jerry Maguire.' That's my girl."
And he kissed me again. And my world fell into place again.
***
Sorry it's so short, but it got done what it needed to. Read and review! Love always.