Chapter 1
The Cellar
I walked slowly down the stairs, glad that Matt had finally left the house, it seems I never got any time to myself when he was around. It was bad enough that he wanted me to stay in his house ever since I got fired, but to watch me every second? I was in my room lying on my bed doing nothing when I heard him calling my name seeing if I wanted to go to the store with him. When he came in I just pretended that I was asleep. As soon as I heard his car leave I thanked god and climbed the stairs so I could descend down another set, which led to the cellar where I am now headed. Everything in the cellar was dirty and had cobwebs all over them, but there was barely anything down there and I was the only person who visited this vile, gigantic empty room, it didn't really matter. I don't get skived by those things, Matt on the other hand hates spiders, cobwebs, dirt, and most of all cellars. But I'm not going to get into that.
It was dark down here and only a little bit of light was coming through the door at the top of the stairs. I knelt down and roamed my hand around until I found my big candle with the my lighter resting on top of it, I lit it and began to walk to the far east side of the cellar. The little pool of light coming from my candle illuminated the old rocking chair, sturdy, but old. There was my secret metal box in front of it, and resting on it was the teddy bear I had found down here the first time I explored this vast nothingness. I really don't understand why Matt has such a big house, most of the time it's only him and Lita, and me. I missed my house, with my three whale pools in that ditch that was supposed to be a pool but it never quiet got done...mostly my fault because I had liked the whale pools better then a real swimming pool.
I put the candle down on the metal box and I bent forward and picked up the dirty little bear. Its right eye was missing and it looked like it had been set on fire telling from the burns on its legs and face. It had a little bit of stuffing coming out of its ripped right hand. It was cute, and it reminded me of something I just couldn't figure out what. I reached my fingers in gently were the rip was and searched in the soggy cotton for a while until I found what I needed, a little black key. I put the bear back on the chair and stared at it a little while longer before dropping to my knees. I took the candle off the metal box and put it on the floor next to it, the sweet pumpkin aroma already fuming from it. I took the key and opened the lock, putting the key between my lips I opened the box and brought the candle up to the opening looking for what I needed. I found the items easily enough as in there was barely any thing in it, I picked up one of the razors and placed it between my lips, snuggling up against the key. I took out a sandwich bag full of coke. I sighed, it was somewhere between happiness and exhaustion, exhaustion because this was almost all there was left to my life. Wrestling was everything, and now it was gone. Why not give in to your desires when its already destroyed the things you love?
I closed the box and took the key and the razor out of my mouth and put it on top of it. When I removed the razor from my lips I had cut my bottom one, the residue of the drug stung the open cut. I sucked my lips lovingly, the bitter taste of coke that came from the razor filled my mouth as it mixed with my saliva, the taste I've come accustomed to liking better then any candy. I shook some of the glistening white powder out of the bag and on to the surface of the metal box. It was only enough to make about two good lines. I made the lines even and perfect, coming from years of experience. I looked down at them with an evil smile. I love this yet it destroys everything. I know that they wont take me back if I'm a good boy for 5 months. I was coming in late, performances getting sloppy, to many people getting suspicious. No, they wouldn't, they wouldn't want to deal with an annoying little drug addict like you. The voice in the back of my head whispers to me. No one cares, if they cared so much why wouldn't they get you help? Why did they just fire you? No, they don't care, give in and you can be happy without them. The voice sounds like a hissing ghost of my own voice. I remember it taking over sometimes when I was drunk or high, people thinking it was some kind of joke or act and laughing. I remember watching it take control through its (or my?) eyes. As much as it normally cant control me, I couldn't control it then. Matt had gotten really scared, so had Lita, they both knew that that wasn't me, Matt had seen me drunk in my teens, when the voice hadn't been there yet, come to think of it the voice came to me after I started wrestling for WWE. But then I got reminded of Raven, he also knew I wasn't acting like myself, god Raven. Raven, Raven, Raven, Raven. God the things he's done to me, the shit and hell he's put me through, and all the fucking amazing times we had.
I stared at the line I was going to do, "This is for you Ravey," I said before leaning forwards, putting one finger over my left nostril and snorting up the devilishly beautiful powder. It burned a little more then usual, of course it would because with Matt glancing over my shoulder every second I haven't been able to enjoy this simple act as much. I shook my head while feeling the rush pass through me. I looked around and decided I wanted to do this in my favorite little corner. I leaned forward and did the other line. Then standing up I placed everything on top of the box and dragged it with me to this little corner, some of the cobwebs had been pushed away from me sitting there so many times. I sat down and pulled the box between my drawn up knees. Taking the bag and emptying out about the amount of three more lines on to it. I took the razor again and made the lines all nice and pretty.
The candle's light was playing with the edges of the crystalline powder beautifully, making me barely wanting to destroy such a gorgeous sight. Destroy what is beautiful, for no matter what you do, in the end it will destroy you.
"Shut the fuck up, I don't need your shit right now." I said in a whisper to my little voice. Maybe I was going crazy, or maybe everyone has a little voice they hide. I took a line. People may call they're little voice whatever they like, their conscience, their ego, their whatever. But I doubted whether it took control of there lives and whispered to them in a very real voice. I could feel it like a worm in my head, ready to speak, ready to take control, ready to make me lose myself in it's words, what is this? What is this nagging, disturbing voice in my head? Disturbing? That may be but I'm the only thing that will always be here for you. It was true, it felt like everyone else abandoned me, except for Matt, but I could tell he felt obligated, he didn't really care. I looked at the other line and took it without much thought. I started to get antsy, stood up carefully and walked around the box with the single line still on it, I picked up the candle and went to explore this seemingly never ending cellar. I was getting cobwebs all over me but I didn't care much, I just had to move around or I would start freaking out. I looked over the walls and the floor to see if there was any other interesting objects about. I spent maybe a half hour looking, I could only say a half hour because with the coke in me it felt like 5 minutes. So after about a half hour I almost passed by something. I would have kept walking if it hadn't sparkled into my view. I back tracked and went to go pick whatever it was up. It was a necklace, seemingly made of silver with little tiny ruby designs in it. It was a locket. Not having any patience with waiting until later to open it I tried to open it, it seemed to be shut tight. I tried a few more times getting slightly exhausted I sat down, missing the muscles I had more or less a month ago, I had stopped working out, stopped doing anything really after I got fired. I pushed and pulled a few more times, I decided I was going to try one last time then I was going to find something to pry it open with, but on the last try it finally gave in. I brought the candle close to me to see if there was anything inside, and sure enough there was a picture. It was a picture of a girl, maybe 15 or 17. It wasn't that old of a picture, the girls hair was dark brown, almost black, wavy and natural looking. I could see she had dark eyes that seemed to be hiding something, she had a small smile on her face but seemed like it was fake, there was a hidden pain etched in her face. Medium sized lips slightly rouged, cute round nose, beautifully shaped eyebrows, all these features couldn't hide her pain. I wish I could have known her, maybe have helped her with her pain. I gave her a weak smile before placing the necklace into my pocket, keeping it open so I wouldn't have to go through the struggle of opening it again. Matt would like something like this, maybe I'd show it to him as soon as he got home, yes, that would be something to start a conversation over.
A lot of thoughts passed through my sobering head as I headed back towards my box in the corner. I started to think about being fired.
Fired, the word rings in my ears and torments me. Fired, how could they do this? How could they take away the one thing in my life that I ever really wanted? Maybe I deserve this, I don't know. I fucked up and I'm just continuing to fuck myself up even more. They just had to do a random drug test didn't they, they never had one before. I guess a lot of people knew about it, but why not help me? Did they hate me that much that they would have me fired instead of trying to help me, only Matt, Lita, and Raven ever really tried to help. Matt had tried the hardest of all, maybe he cares about me more then I give him credit for, I don't know. Oh Jeff, no-one really cares, they act like they do because they want to seem like good upstanding citizens. Matt wants to seem like a good older brother, this is one of those things were people get lied to their whole lives and never find out until they're about to die. Don't fall for it, break away before it breaks you.
"Your wrong, Matt does care, he loves me as much as I love him. He's been there for me, he means the world to me. No let me rephrase, he is my world, besides this beautiful ruiner that I take like a monk does prayer, he's everything." I said, not wanting to give into the voice. I've noticed lately it has been coming to me when I haven't been on drugs. It haunts my dreams, caresses me with cold flames. I can't really see it but I know its there. I'm starting to think it isn't even a part of me. Don't think such things, I am you. The you you haven't come to realize yet. I caresses you because I am the only thing that can make you feel better. Me and that little powder waiting for you in the corner over there, barely peeking into your vision, yet coming through so strongly in mine.
"I thought you said you were part of me, how could your vision be stronger then mine?" if it wasn't part of me I wanted to catch it in a lie and find a way to destroy it, it's convinced me to do so many things that I just can't bear. I'm all your senses combined, I'm your wants and desires, my memory of were you left the things you want is stronger then yours is because you distract yourself.
"Just go away, I don't want to hear you anymore." I said, feeling like I was about to cry. I'm a slave to myself. I climbed around the box and sat back down in the corner, feeling cobwebs brush up against me. As I sat down I started to think again.
Fired, it stings my pride so badly. How could I let this happen? How come I'm so fucking weak, how come the only thing destroying me is, well, me. And the voice in the back of my head but I can't really blame it all on that. The line I had left was looking welcoming, so I leaned forwards and snorted it. No-one had come to say goodbye. Actually, that isn't true, the person I would least expect to say goodbye and said he was going to miss me was someone that turns a farewell very ironic. Kane had said goodbye to me, he wished I wasn't going, he was wearing his mask so I couldn't even read his face to find out if his words were genuine. He had shook my hand and walked off with a slightly cute backwards glance and a sad looking wave. Besides being in a match with him or planning out the match, we hadn't really talked. All the people I thought had been my friends didn't even look at me as I called a taxi to the air port. Didn't say goodbye or anything to me while I was leaving the hotel we were staying in at the time. Didn't come and comfort me when I came out of Vince McMahon's office crying my eyes out. Matt had though, Matt had taken a break to stay with me, Matt had held me while I was crying, Matt came in the taxi with me and got on the plane with me. Matt was the one who knew when I was upset and needed him. Matt would even share the same bed as me if I was feeling scared or lonely. I sometimes craved for the comfort of the kiss he would place on my forehead before going to sleep. Before we had started fighting about my addiction problem I would return that kiss with a kiss on his cheek.
I sighed and stood up. Dragging the box over to the chair. I picked up the teddy bear and held it as I sat down, rocking back and forth on the trusty old chair I had gotten from my dad, it was his dad's, and Matt never liked it and I had loved it so I got it. I looked at the teddy bear and started thinking of how much of a dick I had been being to Matt, I hurt him and I know it. He loves me and I've been acting like he hates me. Are you so sure he doesn't hate you? The voice almost seemed to be coming from the bear.
"Yes, I'm sure. If he doesn't love me he wouldn't have done all those things, wouldn't have sacrificed so much time, wouldn't have almost got suspended just to stay with me right now." I said, looking at the teddy bear and thinking it should be the voice, so I could leave it whenever I wanted to, lock it here. If you say so. I wasn't sure if he was talking about Matt's love for me or being one with the teddy bear. Oh, both. But I could still follow you, I'm part of you. I'll be the material teddy bear, and a hallucination of the teddy bear, but I will always be with you. Actually, the teddy bear seems to be good for me, I'll consider.
"Oh, fuck off." I said, emptying just a little more from my secret bag, making one big line and snorting it all up in one shot. I felt the rush and knew I was about to get really high, while I was still in my right mind I put my things away, locked the box and hid the key in the bears hand.
I leaned back in the chair, starting to zone, not wanting to think of anything. Just when I thought I might actually relax I felt something bite my left hand. I looked down, it was a spider. Just when I was going to flick it off I felt another bite on my left bicep. I ran my hand along my arm trying to wipe them off, then I felt a bite on my right wrist. Another on my neck, then my check, the small of my back. Had I sat in a spider nest or something? It was starting to hurt and I was freaking out. I was feeling bites happening all over my body, legs, arms, stomach, back, face, scalp, feet, everywhere.
I ran upstairs screaming totally freaking out. I ran past Matt. Wait, since when did Matt get home?
"Are you okay?" he said looking worried.
"The spiders! There fucking biting the shit out of me. I'm gonna take a shower." I ran upstairs as fast as I could to get to the shower. Matt had called something after me but I couldn't make it out, all I felt was the stings of the bites and the feel of the tiny little arachnids walking all over me sinking their tiny little teeth into a new area. As soon as I stripped all my clothes of I turned the shower head on, stilling the bites when I jumped into the slowly warming up water. Very slowly the bitting stopped, I guess I had drown them off me, I didn't look at myself, didn't want to see the damage all those spiders had done, praying they weren't poisonous. After ten minutes in the shower I heard someone come in, obviously Matt.
"Hey Jeff." he said sounding drained.
"Shit Matt, I thought those spiders where going to eat me alive, did you see how many there were on me? God, I swear they wear covering my whole body, it still hurts." I said trying to calm down, I still hadn't opened my eyes to see the damage.
"Jeff, there were no spiders on you, no bite marks, no nothing. You were tripping, hallucinating." he said, somewhere between mad and worried. I couldn't believe what he was saying.
"Your fucking kidding, I'm bit the fuck up!" I said, finally I opened my eyes to look at myself. What I saw I couldn't believe. There wasn't any marks on me. No bites, no nothing, but it still stung.
"Jeff,"
"Yeah, I know, I know." I said in a small voice. Well now what was he going to do?
"You can't keep on doing this to yourself. The only other time you had a bug hallucination was when you almost overdosed, you told me latter that it was only your third time doing it."
"Shit,"I said more to myself then to Matt.
"Jeff, get out and dry off, I'll be downstairs, we really need to talk." he said, so sad, so let down. So...disgusted? I heard him leave and I turned the shower off and dried myself, not wanting to go back into the clothes I was wearing before, one because I was still feeling the imaginary spider bites, two because they were covered in cobwebs, dust, and dirt. While drying off I caught a glimpse of my left hand, then back tracked. There was a bite there but that was the only spot. It was slightly swollen but didn't look like anything major. So my mind had freaked out over one bite and sent the feeling all through out my body. Matt was right, this was the only other time I had gotten the bug feeling. I nearly died the first time, I was 17, and he had rushed me to the hospital. I had stayed away from coke for a real long time after that. I wrapped the towel around my waist and went to the room I was using. I pulled out a pair of black boxers and a wife beater. I got dressed as slowly as I could. Then I finally decided I was going to face the music and went downstairs to talk to Matt.
Looking over the railing into the circular foyer wondering where Matt was. I got down into the middle of the circle and looked into all the rooms, then I turned and looked out the back doors. Matt was leaning against a pillar that formed a door way off the deck into the backyard, his back towards me. His figure stood out sadly against the greying sky, filled with angry looking clouds. He was shaking, it looked like he was crying from the way his back moved and his head was bowed. His long hair tied back lazily, little wisps of black strands flying about him in the slight breeze. I walked slowly towards the back door and opened it. He didn't bother turning to look at me, but he stopped shaking with his tears so much. I sat down on the step next to his foot. I turned and looked up at him.
"Matt.." I tried to say I was sorry, I was, but I knew I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from doing it again.
"Don't fucking say your sorry Jeff. If I had a dollar for every time you've told me you were sorry I would've never had to wrestle." he sounded hurt and mad, his tears stopping. "Jeff, do you want me to get you help? I can't help you, I at least want to see if anyone else can."
"What? You mean like , rehab or something?" I snapped at him, turning my head to look up at him. I didn't want to go to any rehab, with doctors asking me all sorts of questions and trying all different types of treatment therapies on me.
"Yes Jeff. You need help, I'm tired of you doing this to yourself,"
"No, your tired of having to take care of me." I said bitterly, interrupting him. I turned my head to look across his giant backyard. Memories of dirt biking came to me but I pushed them away.
"Jeff, how could you say that? I fucking love you more then anyone, I will never get tired of you, the day I lose you will be the worst day of my life." I turned to look at him, he was staring at me, tears about to rise in his eyes, feeling tears start to rise in my own. Few small tears had begun to fall from the sky, releasing its heavy burden upon the world. He sat down next to me never losing eye contact, he was so good at that. A silent tear fell down to his cheek like rain falling into a desert that already had a storm.
"I don't know, Matt I'm sorry. Its just, I feel so lost and abandoned. I feel like no-one cares about me anymore." I started a silent cry, Matt wrapped his arms around me, I wrapped my arms around his waist and snuggled into the cusp of his shoulder, silently crying.
"I've never abandoned you and never will, and I care about you more the anyone else. I want to help you find your way but its hard when you wont let me." he said starting to stroke and smooth my hair, most likely hoping it would sooth my mind. The soft rain was lightly sprinkling it's cold glitter on me and Matt. This was peaceful, beautiful, I felt a little better just because I knew he loved me. Then I realized, that little voice never came to me when Matt was around, maybe if I stuck with Matt more often it wouldn't consume me.
"Matt, I'm really sorry. Please don't put me in rehab, that would kill me. I'll do anything else you say, just please, I don't want to be at the mercy of doctors who probably could care less about me." I said, I wouldn't mind spending a lot of time with Matt. We could hang out like we used to. I want so badly just to make him happy, I can feel that he wants me to be happy, not to get me out of his hair, but so we can be happy with each other. I shiver from the wind, the rain had started to fall harder, seemingly falling with vengeance against the Earth. The Earth that never held the burden of so many tears, the Earth that fed the sky it's tears, a never ending sadistic torment the strong globe had to put the feeble sky through. He releases me from his hug, making me colder, and telling me to come inside.
We decide to sit down and watch the Hell-Raiser series, we hadn't watched them in a long time, Matt made popcorn and I made chocolate shakes .I poured the shakes into giant glasses with a swirl design of the colors of the rainbow, the light had passed through them beautifully when they were empty, now nothing passes through the thick darkness. I sat down on the big couch almost directly in-front of the T.V. and Matt sat on a reclining chair off to the side. It looked like an old mans chair, plaid and frayed, but it was mad comfy. The couch I was on was black and squishy. I turned to look at him as the beginning of the first Hell-Raiser started to play. He turned and looked at me. A forced smile played across his face, my mood dropped and he most have sensed it.
"Sorry Jeff, I'm just thinking. I've never liked attics that much either." he said talking about the movie, the guy, Frank, got ripped apart by Pinheads hooks in his deceased mother's attic. I frowned at him, hating knowing all the shit he had been through, and all the shit I had been through. I gestured for him to come over and sit with me. He got up and came over. I took some popcorn from him and shoved it into my mouth, when a supposedly "grosse" scene came on I spit it out all over him. I started laughing, he started hitting me with a pillow, wiping of the popcorn spit from his face and rubbing it in my hair.
What the two of us did after fights, or pretty big decisions has always been this casual and it was good, knowing everything was still okay for the most part between as even if something serious just took place. I guess I had started to zone out and start to fall asleep on the couch because I felt Matt lifting my feet out of his lap. Moments later I felt a warm blanket being tossed over me and a light yet loving kiss being placed on my forehead. I heard the sound of the T.V. being turned off. I heard him start to walk away to go to bed.
"I love you, Matt." I said, just wanting to let him know before he feel asleep.
"I love you too Jeff." and with that I drifted to sleep.
The Cellar
I walked slowly down the stairs, glad that Matt had finally left the house, it seems I never got any time to myself when he was around. It was bad enough that he wanted me to stay in his house ever since I got fired, but to watch me every second? I was in my room lying on my bed doing nothing when I heard him calling my name seeing if I wanted to go to the store with him. When he came in I just pretended that I was asleep. As soon as I heard his car leave I thanked god and climbed the stairs so I could descend down another set, which led to the cellar where I am now headed. Everything in the cellar was dirty and had cobwebs all over them, but there was barely anything down there and I was the only person who visited this vile, gigantic empty room, it didn't really matter. I don't get skived by those things, Matt on the other hand hates spiders, cobwebs, dirt, and most of all cellars. But I'm not going to get into that.
It was dark down here and only a little bit of light was coming through the door at the top of the stairs. I knelt down and roamed my hand around until I found my big candle with the my lighter resting on top of it, I lit it and began to walk to the far east side of the cellar. The little pool of light coming from my candle illuminated the old rocking chair, sturdy, but old. There was my secret metal box in front of it, and resting on it was the teddy bear I had found down here the first time I explored this vast nothingness. I really don't understand why Matt has such a big house, most of the time it's only him and Lita, and me. I missed my house, with my three whale pools in that ditch that was supposed to be a pool but it never quiet got done...mostly my fault because I had liked the whale pools better then a real swimming pool.
I put the candle down on the metal box and I bent forward and picked up the dirty little bear. Its right eye was missing and it looked like it had been set on fire telling from the burns on its legs and face. It had a little bit of stuffing coming out of its ripped right hand. It was cute, and it reminded me of something I just couldn't figure out what. I reached my fingers in gently were the rip was and searched in the soggy cotton for a while until I found what I needed, a little black key. I put the bear back on the chair and stared at it a little while longer before dropping to my knees. I took the candle off the metal box and put it on the floor next to it, the sweet pumpkin aroma already fuming from it. I took the key and opened the lock, putting the key between my lips I opened the box and brought the candle up to the opening looking for what I needed. I found the items easily enough as in there was barely any thing in it, I picked up one of the razors and placed it between my lips, snuggling up against the key. I took out a sandwich bag full of coke. I sighed, it was somewhere between happiness and exhaustion, exhaustion because this was almost all there was left to my life. Wrestling was everything, and now it was gone. Why not give in to your desires when its already destroyed the things you love?
I closed the box and took the key and the razor out of my mouth and put it on top of it. When I removed the razor from my lips I had cut my bottom one, the residue of the drug stung the open cut. I sucked my lips lovingly, the bitter taste of coke that came from the razor filled my mouth as it mixed with my saliva, the taste I've come accustomed to liking better then any candy. I shook some of the glistening white powder out of the bag and on to the surface of the metal box. It was only enough to make about two good lines. I made the lines even and perfect, coming from years of experience. I looked down at them with an evil smile. I love this yet it destroys everything. I know that they wont take me back if I'm a good boy for 5 months. I was coming in late, performances getting sloppy, to many people getting suspicious. No, they wouldn't, they wouldn't want to deal with an annoying little drug addict like you. The voice in the back of my head whispers to me. No one cares, if they cared so much why wouldn't they get you help? Why did they just fire you? No, they don't care, give in and you can be happy without them. The voice sounds like a hissing ghost of my own voice. I remember it taking over sometimes when I was drunk or high, people thinking it was some kind of joke or act and laughing. I remember watching it take control through its (or my?) eyes. As much as it normally cant control me, I couldn't control it then. Matt had gotten really scared, so had Lita, they both knew that that wasn't me, Matt had seen me drunk in my teens, when the voice hadn't been there yet, come to think of it the voice came to me after I started wrestling for WWE. But then I got reminded of Raven, he also knew I wasn't acting like myself, god Raven. Raven, Raven, Raven, Raven. God the things he's done to me, the shit and hell he's put me through, and all the fucking amazing times we had.
I stared at the line I was going to do, "This is for you Ravey," I said before leaning forwards, putting one finger over my left nostril and snorting up the devilishly beautiful powder. It burned a little more then usual, of course it would because with Matt glancing over my shoulder every second I haven't been able to enjoy this simple act as much. I shook my head while feeling the rush pass through me. I looked around and decided I wanted to do this in my favorite little corner. I leaned forward and did the other line. Then standing up I placed everything on top of the box and dragged it with me to this little corner, some of the cobwebs had been pushed away from me sitting there so many times. I sat down and pulled the box between my drawn up knees. Taking the bag and emptying out about the amount of three more lines on to it. I took the razor again and made the lines all nice and pretty.
The candle's light was playing with the edges of the crystalline powder beautifully, making me barely wanting to destroy such a gorgeous sight. Destroy what is beautiful, for no matter what you do, in the end it will destroy you.
"Shut the fuck up, I don't need your shit right now." I said in a whisper to my little voice. Maybe I was going crazy, or maybe everyone has a little voice they hide. I took a line. People may call they're little voice whatever they like, their conscience, their ego, their whatever. But I doubted whether it took control of there lives and whispered to them in a very real voice. I could feel it like a worm in my head, ready to speak, ready to take control, ready to make me lose myself in it's words, what is this? What is this nagging, disturbing voice in my head? Disturbing? That may be but I'm the only thing that will always be here for you. It was true, it felt like everyone else abandoned me, except for Matt, but I could tell he felt obligated, he didn't really care. I looked at the other line and took it without much thought. I started to get antsy, stood up carefully and walked around the box with the single line still on it, I picked up the candle and went to explore this seemingly never ending cellar. I was getting cobwebs all over me but I didn't care much, I just had to move around or I would start freaking out. I looked over the walls and the floor to see if there was any other interesting objects about. I spent maybe a half hour looking, I could only say a half hour because with the coke in me it felt like 5 minutes. So after about a half hour I almost passed by something. I would have kept walking if it hadn't sparkled into my view. I back tracked and went to go pick whatever it was up. It was a necklace, seemingly made of silver with little tiny ruby designs in it. It was a locket. Not having any patience with waiting until later to open it I tried to open it, it seemed to be shut tight. I tried a few more times getting slightly exhausted I sat down, missing the muscles I had more or less a month ago, I had stopped working out, stopped doing anything really after I got fired. I pushed and pulled a few more times, I decided I was going to try one last time then I was going to find something to pry it open with, but on the last try it finally gave in. I brought the candle close to me to see if there was anything inside, and sure enough there was a picture. It was a picture of a girl, maybe 15 or 17. It wasn't that old of a picture, the girls hair was dark brown, almost black, wavy and natural looking. I could see she had dark eyes that seemed to be hiding something, she had a small smile on her face but seemed like it was fake, there was a hidden pain etched in her face. Medium sized lips slightly rouged, cute round nose, beautifully shaped eyebrows, all these features couldn't hide her pain. I wish I could have known her, maybe have helped her with her pain. I gave her a weak smile before placing the necklace into my pocket, keeping it open so I wouldn't have to go through the struggle of opening it again. Matt would like something like this, maybe I'd show it to him as soon as he got home, yes, that would be something to start a conversation over.
A lot of thoughts passed through my sobering head as I headed back towards my box in the corner. I started to think about being fired.
Fired, the word rings in my ears and torments me. Fired, how could they do this? How could they take away the one thing in my life that I ever really wanted? Maybe I deserve this, I don't know. I fucked up and I'm just continuing to fuck myself up even more. They just had to do a random drug test didn't they, they never had one before. I guess a lot of people knew about it, but why not help me? Did they hate me that much that they would have me fired instead of trying to help me, only Matt, Lita, and Raven ever really tried to help. Matt had tried the hardest of all, maybe he cares about me more then I give him credit for, I don't know. Oh Jeff, no-one really cares, they act like they do because they want to seem like good upstanding citizens. Matt wants to seem like a good older brother, this is one of those things were people get lied to their whole lives and never find out until they're about to die. Don't fall for it, break away before it breaks you.
"Your wrong, Matt does care, he loves me as much as I love him. He's been there for me, he means the world to me. No let me rephrase, he is my world, besides this beautiful ruiner that I take like a monk does prayer, he's everything." I said, not wanting to give into the voice. I've noticed lately it has been coming to me when I haven't been on drugs. It haunts my dreams, caresses me with cold flames. I can't really see it but I know its there. I'm starting to think it isn't even a part of me. Don't think such things, I am you. The you you haven't come to realize yet. I caresses you because I am the only thing that can make you feel better. Me and that little powder waiting for you in the corner over there, barely peeking into your vision, yet coming through so strongly in mine.
"I thought you said you were part of me, how could your vision be stronger then mine?" if it wasn't part of me I wanted to catch it in a lie and find a way to destroy it, it's convinced me to do so many things that I just can't bear. I'm all your senses combined, I'm your wants and desires, my memory of were you left the things you want is stronger then yours is because you distract yourself.
"Just go away, I don't want to hear you anymore." I said, feeling like I was about to cry. I'm a slave to myself. I climbed around the box and sat back down in the corner, feeling cobwebs brush up against me. As I sat down I started to think again.
Fired, it stings my pride so badly. How could I let this happen? How come I'm so fucking weak, how come the only thing destroying me is, well, me. And the voice in the back of my head but I can't really blame it all on that. The line I had left was looking welcoming, so I leaned forwards and snorted it. No-one had come to say goodbye. Actually, that isn't true, the person I would least expect to say goodbye and said he was going to miss me was someone that turns a farewell very ironic. Kane had said goodbye to me, he wished I wasn't going, he was wearing his mask so I couldn't even read his face to find out if his words were genuine. He had shook my hand and walked off with a slightly cute backwards glance and a sad looking wave. Besides being in a match with him or planning out the match, we hadn't really talked. All the people I thought had been my friends didn't even look at me as I called a taxi to the air port. Didn't say goodbye or anything to me while I was leaving the hotel we were staying in at the time. Didn't come and comfort me when I came out of Vince McMahon's office crying my eyes out. Matt had though, Matt had taken a break to stay with me, Matt had held me while I was crying, Matt came in the taxi with me and got on the plane with me. Matt was the one who knew when I was upset and needed him. Matt would even share the same bed as me if I was feeling scared or lonely. I sometimes craved for the comfort of the kiss he would place on my forehead before going to sleep. Before we had started fighting about my addiction problem I would return that kiss with a kiss on his cheek.
I sighed and stood up. Dragging the box over to the chair. I picked up the teddy bear and held it as I sat down, rocking back and forth on the trusty old chair I had gotten from my dad, it was his dad's, and Matt never liked it and I had loved it so I got it. I looked at the teddy bear and started thinking of how much of a dick I had been being to Matt, I hurt him and I know it. He loves me and I've been acting like he hates me. Are you so sure he doesn't hate you? The voice almost seemed to be coming from the bear.
"Yes, I'm sure. If he doesn't love me he wouldn't have done all those things, wouldn't have sacrificed so much time, wouldn't have almost got suspended just to stay with me right now." I said, looking at the teddy bear and thinking it should be the voice, so I could leave it whenever I wanted to, lock it here. If you say so. I wasn't sure if he was talking about Matt's love for me or being one with the teddy bear. Oh, both. But I could still follow you, I'm part of you. I'll be the material teddy bear, and a hallucination of the teddy bear, but I will always be with you. Actually, the teddy bear seems to be good for me, I'll consider.
"Oh, fuck off." I said, emptying just a little more from my secret bag, making one big line and snorting it all up in one shot. I felt the rush and knew I was about to get really high, while I was still in my right mind I put my things away, locked the box and hid the key in the bears hand.
I leaned back in the chair, starting to zone, not wanting to think of anything. Just when I thought I might actually relax I felt something bite my left hand. I looked down, it was a spider. Just when I was going to flick it off I felt another bite on my left bicep. I ran my hand along my arm trying to wipe them off, then I felt a bite on my right wrist. Another on my neck, then my check, the small of my back. Had I sat in a spider nest or something? It was starting to hurt and I was freaking out. I was feeling bites happening all over my body, legs, arms, stomach, back, face, scalp, feet, everywhere.
I ran upstairs screaming totally freaking out. I ran past Matt. Wait, since when did Matt get home?
"Are you okay?" he said looking worried.
"The spiders! There fucking biting the shit out of me. I'm gonna take a shower." I ran upstairs as fast as I could to get to the shower. Matt had called something after me but I couldn't make it out, all I felt was the stings of the bites and the feel of the tiny little arachnids walking all over me sinking their tiny little teeth into a new area. As soon as I stripped all my clothes of I turned the shower head on, stilling the bites when I jumped into the slowly warming up water. Very slowly the bitting stopped, I guess I had drown them off me, I didn't look at myself, didn't want to see the damage all those spiders had done, praying they weren't poisonous. After ten minutes in the shower I heard someone come in, obviously Matt.
"Hey Jeff." he said sounding drained.
"Shit Matt, I thought those spiders where going to eat me alive, did you see how many there were on me? God, I swear they wear covering my whole body, it still hurts." I said trying to calm down, I still hadn't opened my eyes to see the damage.
"Jeff, there were no spiders on you, no bite marks, no nothing. You were tripping, hallucinating." he said, somewhere between mad and worried. I couldn't believe what he was saying.
"Your fucking kidding, I'm bit the fuck up!" I said, finally I opened my eyes to look at myself. What I saw I couldn't believe. There wasn't any marks on me. No bites, no nothing, but it still stung.
"Jeff,"
"Yeah, I know, I know." I said in a small voice. Well now what was he going to do?
"You can't keep on doing this to yourself. The only other time you had a bug hallucination was when you almost overdosed, you told me latter that it was only your third time doing it."
"Shit,"I said more to myself then to Matt.
"Jeff, get out and dry off, I'll be downstairs, we really need to talk." he said, so sad, so let down. So...disgusted? I heard him leave and I turned the shower off and dried myself, not wanting to go back into the clothes I was wearing before, one because I was still feeling the imaginary spider bites, two because they were covered in cobwebs, dust, and dirt. While drying off I caught a glimpse of my left hand, then back tracked. There was a bite there but that was the only spot. It was slightly swollen but didn't look like anything major. So my mind had freaked out over one bite and sent the feeling all through out my body. Matt was right, this was the only other time I had gotten the bug feeling. I nearly died the first time, I was 17, and he had rushed me to the hospital. I had stayed away from coke for a real long time after that. I wrapped the towel around my waist and went to the room I was using. I pulled out a pair of black boxers and a wife beater. I got dressed as slowly as I could. Then I finally decided I was going to face the music and went downstairs to talk to Matt.
Looking over the railing into the circular foyer wondering where Matt was. I got down into the middle of the circle and looked into all the rooms, then I turned and looked out the back doors. Matt was leaning against a pillar that formed a door way off the deck into the backyard, his back towards me. His figure stood out sadly against the greying sky, filled with angry looking clouds. He was shaking, it looked like he was crying from the way his back moved and his head was bowed. His long hair tied back lazily, little wisps of black strands flying about him in the slight breeze. I walked slowly towards the back door and opened it. He didn't bother turning to look at me, but he stopped shaking with his tears so much. I sat down on the step next to his foot. I turned and looked up at him.
"Matt.." I tried to say I was sorry, I was, but I knew I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from doing it again.
"Don't fucking say your sorry Jeff. If I had a dollar for every time you've told me you were sorry I would've never had to wrestle." he sounded hurt and mad, his tears stopping. "Jeff, do you want me to get you help? I can't help you, I at least want to see if anyone else can."
"What? You mean like , rehab or something?" I snapped at him, turning my head to look up at him. I didn't want to go to any rehab, with doctors asking me all sorts of questions and trying all different types of treatment therapies on me.
"Yes Jeff. You need help, I'm tired of you doing this to yourself,"
"No, your tired of having to take care of me." I said bitterly, interrupting him. I turned my head to look across his giant backyard. Memories of dirt biking came to me but I pushed them away.
"Jeff, how could you say that? I fucking love you more then anyone, I will never get tired of you, the day I lose you will be the worst day of my life." I turned to look at him, he was staring at me, tears about to rise in his eyes, feeling tears start to rise in my own. Few small tears had begun to fall from the sky, releasing its heavy burden upon the world. He sat down next to me never losing eye contact, he was so good at that. A silent tear fell down to his cheek like rain falling into a desert that already had a storm.
"I don't know, Matt I'm sorry. Its just, I feel so lost and abandoned. I feel like no-one cares about me anymore." I started a silent cry, Matt wrapped his arms around me, I wrapped my arms around his waist and snuggled into the cusp of his shoulder, silently crying.
"I've never abandoned you and never will, and I care about you more the anyone else. I want to help you find your way but its hard when you wont let me." he said starting to stroke and smooth my hair, most likely hoping it would sooth my mind. The soft rain was lightly sprinkling it's cold glitter on me and Matt. This was peaceful, beautiful, I felt a little better just because I knew he loved me. Then I realized, that little voice never came to me when Matt was around, maybe if I stuck with Matt more often it wouldn't consume me.
"Matt, I'm really sorry. Please don't put me in rehab, that would kill me. I'll do anything else you say, just please, I don't want to be at the mercy of doctors who probably could care less about me." I said, I wouldn't mind spending a lot of time with Matt. We could hang out like we used to. I want so badly just to make him happy, I can feel that he wants me to be happy, not to get me out of his hair, but so we can be happy with each other. I shiver from the wind, the rain had started to fall harder, seemingly falling with vengeance against the Earth. The Earth that never held the burden of so many tears, the Earth that fed the sky it's tears, a never ending sadistic torment the strong globe had to put the feeble sky through. He releases me from his hug, making me colder, and telling me to come inside.
We decide to sit down and watch the Hell-Raiser series, we hadn't watched them in a long time, Matt made popcorn and I made chocolate shakes .I poured the shakes into giant glasses with a swirl design of the colors of the rainbow, the light had passed through them beautifully when they were empty, now nothing passes through the thick darkness. I sat down on the big couch almost directly in-front of the T.V. and Matt sat on a reclining chair off to the side. It looked like an old mans chair, plaid and frayed, but it was mad comfy. The couch I was on was black and squishy. I turned to look at him as the beginning of the first Hell-Raiser started to play. He turned and looked at me. A forced smile played across his face, my mood dropped and he most have sensed it.
"Sorry Jeff, I'm just thinking. I've never liked attics that much either." he said talking about the movie, the guy, Frank, got ripped apart by Pinheads hooks in his deceased mother's attic. I frowned at him, hating knowing all the shit he had been through, and all the shit I had been through. I gestured for him to come over and sit with me. He got up and came over. I took some popcorn from him and shoved it into my mouth, when a supposedly "grosse" scene came on I spit it out all over him. I started laughing, he started hitting me with a pillow, wiping of the popcorn spit from his face and rubbing it in my hair.
What the two of us did after fights, or pretty big decisions has always been this casual and it was good, knowing everything was still okay for the most part between as even if something serious just took place. I guess I had started to zone out and start to fall asleep on the couch because I felt Matt lifting my feet out of his lap. Moments later I felt a warm blanket being tossed over me and a light yet loving kiss being placed on my forehead. I heard the sound of the T.V. being turned off. I heard him start to walk away to go to bed.
"I love you, Matt." I said, just wanting to let him know before he feel asleep.
"I love you too Jeff." and with that I drifted to sleep.