Authors Note- Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. I really appreciate them all! So thanks so much. I am ending this fic soon, either the next chapter or the one after that will be the last one. Its a short one, but I've really enjoyed writing it. Different from the fanfics I usually write. I felt it was time to try a different style of writing... I hope everyone liked it.
Disclaimer- This song is Lonestars not a day goes by. And as usual show is not mine ect...
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Cigarette ashes tumble to the hard cement; grey as the sky. She watches as they slowly flicker out, misery short lived. She wishes she could be claimed to the same fate. Her hair hangs carelessly, her eyes sunken in from restless nights. Sleep comforting her for short periods of time, leaving quickly. He haunts her dreams... He invades her thoughts... Pushing him away is impossible. Her life was driven by fear, controlled, every thought was followed by the same dangerous words... what if... For so long her life was controlled by fear. For a moment, a simple moment her walls crumbled fear hidden, by images of her life without him. Him. She told herself she didn't need him, she didn't love him. She wishes she hadn't changed that...
"I love you..." She repeats it. He doesn't move, not an inch, his body still, frozen. Her heart leaps into her throat, shivers running through her spine.
"Did you hear me?" Crackling beneath the pain, the words tumble out, she can't control them.
He nods, hearing, not understanding. He can't understand, comprehend. He wants too, he wants to believe that she means this, its not just a moment of weakness, a powerless second, that will fade like the black of the night. He knows differently... His finger nails dig into his frail skin, piercing him. He wants so badly to turn around, take her in his arms... His feet move closer to the door.
She doesn't flinch. She's frozen this time... Why he is leaving, when she just confessed her love is beyond her... "John..." Ripping through the night air, slicing the silence.
"Do you mean it?" He's halted for a second...
"What?" Stunned, shocked. Years... They've spent years, companions, lovers, enemies, yet always meant something to each other. How does he not know her better, must he really push her this far?
"Is this just a ploy- A move to make me stay... You're feeling lonely..." He's not sure why he is saying this. Does he need more than her simple words to convince him of her love... Actions, they say actions speak louder than words. Yet her actions have always been so timid, frigid, never loving, when was the last time she hugged him? When was the last time she comforted him? When she came after him...
"How can you say that?" Powerless. Mortified. Weak. Bastard.
"How can I not? I've loved you for years, I've shown you that I've loved you..."
"Get out." Her words like a knife in the heart, cutting through every ventricle. Asshole. Fucking asshole. Nothing is ever good enough, she being the main thing.
The wooded bench claws into her back, pain even more evident now then it was before. The memory causes pain. She loved him, she thought he was the one. Ha, is there even such thing as the one? Never before did she think there was. A lie, a fairy tale mothers tell their daughters to make them feel beautiful. Why not, every girl should feel beautiful at some point. One day she will never have that feeling again.
Abby's fingers dig into the bench, escalating her body from the old wood. Pulling her coat tighter around her body, she takes another glance out into the world... Strange, but she feels safer out there; in a place where sex, booze, money, drugs; control. She'd rather be there, than here. With him. Here where pain is in every forced move she makes. She closes her eyes for a second, the pain dissipating, as an image of her in his arms flashes. It's short lived, soon she is thrashed into the bustle of an EMERGENCY ROOM.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
A picture, a vivid picture, one she tries to erase from her memory. Once she succeeds it seems it's painted again, with more colour and imagery than the first time. Telling her something, shouting commands, whispering lies. His voice monotone as he lists out tests for her to run... She nods her head numbly, processing his words, reading to far into his body language. His hands run along his arms, his body angled toward her...
Stop it.
Her eyes meet his, words hanging in the air, silence engulfs them. Letters tangling his thoughts, what he longs to say... Wishing he could take back his hasty words.
"I'm sorry." He wishes he could take them back the minute his tongue flipped them out. Wounds being reopened, right here where colleagues mingle and indulge in the business of others. Mentally he kicks himself. She shakes her head, eyes nervously darting from one patient to the next, busying herself would be the only option at this moment. Yet no opportunity arises.
"Don't be." Her words laced with bitterness. fuck him. Fuck him in every way possible. Her heart dragged through the mud, his heart receiving the same fate. She pushes past his slouched form. He longs to go after her, but he doesn't move. His legs refuse to budge. She will have to be the one to chase this time. He can't any longer. He has many a time before. She ran, his feet would carry him as far as they could, pleading with her to stay... That he is the one for her. One day he could no longer be that man, he could no longer chase someone who didn't want it. He ran. She never followed. He wondered, he lay awake at night, listening to the calm African air brush against his tent, wondering if she ever thought of him. Never has his question been answered.
He can no longer be the only one in the relationship... Hell if this could even be considered a relationship. The day it ended was when the world crumbled around him, a dark and dreary place, with no hope for either of them. She managed to find a light, as tiny as it may have been, she grasped it, using it to carry her through. She succeeded. Something he has yet to do, but bit by bit he's climbing his mountain. Pulling through will be his destiny. One day.
She hasn't changed, not in his heart. She still has a place, a special spot. Slowly, he fears she will wash herself out of it. Love never was easy.
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Shoes smack the tarry cement, a satisfying sound rumbles in her ears. Thunder, anger being poured down around her. She tightens her jacket, his presence every where yet no where at the same time. Unbelievable. She poured her heart out to him, well... In a sense. So many words she could have spoken, yet fear ridden she collapsed only able to get those three precious words out. She knows they mean something, but not everything. Some think they are all that matters, to him, she knows more is better. His soul empty, ravished, she did some of that. Caused him irreversible pain. God she wishes she could take that moment back.
Not to leave him as saint. Pain overcame her, yet neither were there to clean the others sores. She knows what he wants, its clear as day. He wants her to be there for him, like she was the day of his sons death. Does he not remember that day? That moment, where she cradled his head in her hands, whispering words into his ear. Careless kisses placed along his hairline, tears stained her jeans... Of course not. She's selfish to think in a time of weakness she should be on his mind. She didn't do it to be thanked... She loves him, she did it for that reason.
Her feet have lead her to the most familiar spot... She glances up at the dim light shining in his window. Walking for hours and she comes upon the only spot with an answer. Why isn't this situation more ironic?
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind