Authors Notes: Thanx to all of my reviewers! Sorry for a bit of the let down some of my readers felt the last chapter was but I was fighting writers block and trying to get SOMETHING out. It gets better (I hope) in this chapter though!
Blessed Be
Raven
******
Even Dreams Lie
By Akasha Ravensong
******
Chapter Twenty-One: Confrontations
Darkness and desolate cold permeated my chambers in the dungeons. I felt chilled to the bone despite the fire that I had lit earlier in the hearth, so when it began to flicker and die out I bothered not feed its hunger again. It did nothing for me. I bothered light no other candles either. I couldn't bring myself to care.
I knew that I was stupid to be upset at Hermione, in all actuality she had done nothing wrong. I let my jealously and past hurts get the better of me. Well, that was usually the way of it though, wasn't it? I fucked up everything good in my life over and over again. This wasn't the first time that I had lost somebody I loved by letting my emotions get the better of me.
Wait...what was that I had just thought? Could it be that I really loved her? Great Merlin I was a fool!
I popped another bottle of Odin's Fire Whiskey and drained it in several gulps. With a quick toss, the bottle smashed itself into bits in the fireplace, the remaining drops of alcohol on the bottle briefly igniting into dancing flames. A smile played upon my lips. But it was a cold and empty smile, the smile of a man who feels as if he has lost everything. The smile of a man who is mad with anger, envy, and hate directed at the world, but mainly at himself. Self-loathing ate at my heart and soul as I pitied myself there in the darkness.
Darkness. Darkness was home, and darkness consumed me. It was for the sake of darkness that I had followed the left-handed path and joined the death eaters. Darkness had promised me power, and given me a place where I felt at home. I had been part of a family as a death eater. True it had been a demented and perverted family, but still, I had belonged in some way. I was looked up to by other death-eaters. I was favored by the dark lord above others, and I had stood at his right-hand side. For darkness I murdered innocent people.
Darkness had abandoned me though, just as everything else in my life had. My mother abandoned me by committing suicide, unable to put up with the rantings of my father any longer. And my father had abandoned me before I had ever been born. He was nothing more then a dictator in prison we that I had once called home. Deidre too had left me. She had forsaken life in the end.
The memory of her still had the power to bring tears to my eyes. My sweet fiancé, the girl I had been betrothed to before I had even been born. Two years my junior, she was my closet friend and my confidant. I protected her with all that I was worth. We were married the year she graduated from Hogwarts. I had not joined the death eaters yet at this point, teetering on the edge of indecision.
If I joined them she would be granted safety from the most dangerous wizards of that time, but at the same time she would be vulnerable to attacks by aurors. I made no decisions. But many had assumed that I had, and they assumed I had made the choice to join Voldemort.
They attacked our house in the countryside, and Deidre fought back, thinking they were Death eaters attempting to do her harm. She cast the killing curse on one of them in pure self-defense. Five of them all teamed up on her. It had been a loosing battle from the start. And she had been alone. I still had not forgiven myself for that.
I should have been with her, to protect her, to have gone down beside her. I should have chosen sides. But when I got home and found one auror waiting for me, with Deidre on the floor still bleeding, I killed him instantly. The sight of her body mangled by al the curses that they hit her with still awoke me from my nightmares, and made me scream.
The daily prophet had a field day with that one. Not that they told the true story. I could still see the headlines now. Deidre Snape Brutally Murdered by Death Eater Husband in Fit of Violent Rage. How untrue; how false! How dare they spout off such bullshit. The ministry lied to cover up teir murder of an innocent woman. Fudge was a weak and arrogant fool.
That night I had gone to Malfoy manor and demanded that Luscious lead me to Lord Voldemort. I had made my choice. The side of goodness had killed the one person that I cared for, and destroyed the one thing that made me happy. She had been my conscience, and my salvation. Without her I was a lost man. Without her darkness was my master.
The door creaked open and I jumped to my feet wand ready. "SHOW YOURSELF!" I slurred. Alexander stepped out from behind the door and looked at me. I felt a shiver go down my spine. It felt as if he were looking right through me. "How the hell did you get in here?"
"I'm not an archeologist for nothing. I have my ways. What a sorry state your in Severus."
"Who are you to judge me."
"I don't judge anybody. Only the universe can judge you, Severus. Your karma shall see to it that you get yours. I need do nothing."
'Then why are you here. Plan on gloating on your fine catch?"
'Hermione is not a toy to be tossed back and forth between men. You obviously know her very little if you think her to be so cheep."
"Go to Bloody Hell."
"Been there, got the T-shirt."
"Huh?"
"I didn't come here to argue with you. I came here to try and talk some sense into you. There is a girl up there in the castle crying her eyes out because she doesn't know what the hell she did to piss you off. And she has done nothing wrong. She asked you if you minded that I joined you that night we met. You said it was no problem. If anything she should be mad at you."
"What the hell do you know!"
"Just because I play the fool doesn't mean that I am a fool, Severus Snape. I see a lot more then most do, and I don't need to be a legimens to do so. Now stop wallowing in this pit of self pity you have created for yourself and get up off of your ass and do something about this."
I looked at Alexander carefully, studying his countenance. Instantly I sobered up, struck by the truth of his words. This time I wouldn't make a complete and total fool of myself. Life had a funny way of kicking you in the ass. I nodded at him solemnly.
"All right. I get the point."
"And see to it that you remember that Severus." He turned to walk out of the chamber and I watched him. At the threshold he stopped and turned around to look at me. "Oh, and Severus, you hurt her again and I'll see to it that you feel pain worse then anything else you've ever felt before. Death eater or not. And remember Severus I don't make threats. Only Promises."
And with that he was gone. Like a wraith he de-materialized into the pervading darkness of the dungeons. He did that almost as good as I did, now that I thought about it...
I walked over to my desk and picked up a scroll of parchment. I decided it was time I did some apologizing and some explaining to Hermione, she deserved that much, even if I had ruined our chances at romance. Yes, she deserved thatmuch indeed.
Blessed Be
Raven
******
Even Dreams Lie
By Akasha Ravensong
******
Chapter Twenty-One: Confrontations
Darkness and desolate cold permeated my chambers in the dungeons. I felt chilled to the bone despite the fire that I had lit earlier in the hearth, so when it began to flicker and die out I bothered not feed its hunger again. It did nothing for me. I bothered light no other candles either. I couldn't bring myself to care.
I knew that I was stupid to be upset at Hermione, in all actuality she had done nothing wrong. I let my jealously and past hurts get the better of me. Well, that was usually the way of it though, wasn't it? I fucked up everything good in my life over and over again. This wasn't the first time that I had lost somebody I loved by letting my emotions get the better of me.
Wait...what was that I had just thought? Could it be that I really loved her? Great Merlin I was a fool!
I popped another bottle of Odin's Fire Whiskey and drained it in several gulps. With a quick toss, the bottle smashed itself into bits in the fireplace, the remaining drops of alcohol on the bottle briefly igniting into dancing flames. A smile played upon my lips. But it was a cold and empty smile, the smile of a man who feels as if he has lost everything. The smile of a man who is mad with anger, envy, and hate directed at the world, but mainly at himself. Self-loathing ate at my heart and soul as I pitied myself there in the darkness.
Darkness. Darkness was home, and darkness consumed me. It was for the sake of darkness that I had followed the left-handed path and joined the death eaters. Darkness had promised me power, and given me a place where I felt at home. I had been part of a family as a death eater. True it had been a demented and perverted family, but still, I had belonged in some way. I was looked up to by other death-eaters. I was favored by the dark lord above others, and I had stood at his right-hand side. For darkness I murdered innocent people.
Darkness had abandoned me though, just as everything else in my life had. My mother abandoned me by committing suicide, unable to put up with the rantings of my father any longer. And my father had abandoned me before I had ever been born. He was nothing more then a dictator in prison we that I had once called home. Deidre too had left me. She had forsaken life in the end.
The memory of her still had the power to bring tears to my eyes. My sweet fiancé, the girl I had been betrothed to before I had even been born. Two years my junior, she was my closet friend and my confidant. I protected her with all that I was worth. We were married the year she graduated from Hogwarts. I had not joined the death eaters yet at this point, teetering on the edge of indecision.
If I joined them she would be granted safety from the most dangerous wizards of that time, but at the same time she would be vulnerable to attacks by aurors. I made no decisions. But many had assumed that I had, and they assumed I had made the choice to join Voldemort.
They attacked our house in the countryside, and Deidre fought back, thinking they were Death eaters attempting to do her harm. She cast the killing curse on one of them in pure self-defense. Five of them all teamed up on her. It had been a loosing battle from the start. And she had been alone. I still had not forgiven myself for that.
I should have been with her, to protect her, to have gone down beside her. I should have chosen sides. But when I got home and found one auror waiting for me, with Deidre on the floor still bleeding, I killed him instantly. The sight of her body mangled by al the curses that they hit her with still awoke me from my nightmares, and made me scream.
The daily prophet had a field day with that one. Not that they told the true story. I could still see the headlines now. Deidre Snape Brutally Murdered by Death Eater Husband in Fit of Violent Rage. How untrue; how false! How dare they spout off such bullshit. The ministry lied to cover up teir murder of an innocent woman. Fudge was a weak and arrogant fool.
That night I had gone to Malfoy manor and demanded that Luscious lead me to Lord Voldemort. I had made my choice. The side of goodness had killed the one person that I cared for, and destroyed the one thing that made me happy. She had been my conscience, and my salvation. Without her I was a lost man. Without her darkness was my master.
The door creaked open and I jumped to my feet wand ready. "SHOW YOURSELF!" I slurred. Alexander stepped out from behind the door and looked at me. I felt a shiver go down my spine. It felt as if he were looking right through me. "How the hell did you get in here?"
"I'm not an archeologist for nothing. I have my ways. What a sorry state your in Severus."
"Who are you to judge me."
"I don't judge anybody. Only the universe can judge you, Severus. Your karma shall see to it that you get yours. I need do nothing."
'Then why are you here. Plan on gloating on your fine catch?"
'Hermione is not a toy to be tossed back and forth between men. You obviously know her very little if you think her to be so cheep."
"Go to Bloody Hell."
"Been there, got the T-shirt."
"Huh?"
"I didn't come here to argue with you. I came here to try and talk some sense into you. There is a girl up there in the castle crying her eyes out because she doesn't know what the hell she did to piss you off. And she has done nothing wrong. She asked you if you minded that I joined you that night we met. You said it was no problem. If anything she should be mad at you."
"What the hell do you know!"
"Just because I play the fool doesn't mean that I am a fool, Severus Snape. I see a lot more then most do, and I don't need to be a legimens to do so. Now stop wallowing in this pit of self pity you have created for yourself and get up off of your ass and do something about this."
I looked at Alexander carefully, studying his countenance. Instantly I sobered up, struck by the truth of his words. This time I wouldn't make a complete and total fool of myself. Life had a funny way of kicking you in the ass. I nodded at him solemnly.
"All right. I get the point."
"And see to it that you remember that Severus." He turned to walk out of the chamber and I watched him. At the threshold he stopped and turned around to look at me. "Oh, and Severus, you hurt her again and I'll see to it that you feel pain worse then anything else you've ever felt before. Death eater or not. And remember Severus I don't make threats. Only Promises."
And with that he was gone. Like a wraith he de-materialized into the pervading darkness of the dungeons. He did that almost as good as I did, now that I thought about it...
I walked over to my desk and picked up a scroll of parchment. I decided it was time I did some apologizing and some explaining to Hermione, she deserved that much, even if I had ruined our chances at romance. Yes, she deserved thatmuch indeed.