Loss
By Hpfan
Chapter X- A Visit and A Breakdown
Harry could feel his bed shaking. It was an odd experience. He felt like someone was jumping on his bed. He knew there was a presence of someone on his bed, but he knew if it was Sirius, then he would have to get up. He grabbed the covers and made sure that if someone made an attempt at pulling the covers off, he wouldn't let them.
The object settled with a plop on top of his legs, but he knew if he tried to push the dog off him, Padfoot would know he was up, and therefore make him get out of bed. He settled for rolling over on his side, and settling down into the pillows.
He woke almost an hour later to find that Sirius had not moved, but he didn't want to check if he was asleep or not. He felt the dog get up as he moved though, and he sighed with relief as he left the bed. Suddenly, in his preoccupied state, Sirius ripped the covers off the bed.
"Time to get up Harry." Sirius said in an annoyingly cheerful voice, with a huge smile that Harry wanted to slap off his face.
"Too early." Was all he said, noticing that the clock read 7:00. He turned over on his side, and buried his head in the pillow.
"No, it's not too early, it's never too early in the morning for guests." He said. "I tried waking you up earlier. I was jumping on your bed for a good five minutes. You didn't even respond."
"That was you? I thought I was just possessed or something." Sirius snorted.
"Didn't you hear me? Guests." He had Harry's attention.
"Who's coming?" he asked, yawning, as he got out of bed.
"Well, I was talking to the Weasleys…"
"Oh, so they're not afraid of you anymore?"
Sirius glared. "Well, we were talking about the situation at their house what with Ron being… And Hermione is still there." Harry suddenly felt guilty. In the time he had spent thinking about Ron, he hadn't even considered how Hermione or the Weasleys were taking the situation. "Well, you know, since Ron isn't there, Hermione really doesn't have anything to do or anyone to hang out with. And while you aren't really taking it any better then the Weasleys are, it would probably be best if Hermione came over here so that you can help each other get your minds off of Ron."
"Great idea Sirius." Harry said. "So she's coming over today?" he asked.
"In about," he looked at his watch. "Fifteen minutes. That's why I needed to get you up." Harry grabbed the clothes out of his drawer. Before he headed to the shower, he stopped for a moment, and looked at Sirius.
"Do me a favor. When Hermione comes…"
"Don't mention anything about…" Sirius knew what he meant. Harry nodded, and gave Sirius a thankful smile, and went to go take his shower.
Harry got out ten minutes later, wrapped a towel around his waist, and squirted the 'Industrial strength Hair Gel for Men' into his hands, running them through his hair. He held his hair down for two minutes, waiting for it to dry. He lifted them up tautly, and when his hair didn't spring back up, he sighed in relief. He looked at the back of the bottle, thinking, 'damn, what's in this stuff?'
Under the ingredients it listed, 'Don't ask, don't tell.' Harry gulped, looking at it nervously, hoping his hair didn't fall out. He put his clothes on, and walked down the stairs to the kitchen, to put breakfast on. He didn't know whether to cook for two or three, because he didn't know if Hermione had already eaten. He decided to wait until Hermione arrived before he started the meal.
When Hermione stepped through the fireplace a few moments later, Harry surprised Hermione, and even himself, when he gave her a tight hug. "Hermione, hi. I'm really sorry that I haven't owled you lately… I was so preoccupied with Ron being… that I didn't even think about how you and the Weasleys must be taking it."
Hermione was startled when he hugged her, but she soon hugged back- tight. Harry could barely breath. Hermione started talking a mile a minute. "Harry, I felt so bad when Ron left that I didn't even realize you hadn't owled. I felt guilty because I didn't write you or say anything and I know you must be taking the news really hard, but the Weasleys and me were still depressed over the situation, and we didn't really have time to think about anything else. I'm happy to be over here. As bad as it sounds it's really depressing at Ron's house, and I was feeling kind of out of place because I didn't have Ron to talk to or anything, so I was talking to Ginny…"
Harry interrupted her. "Hermione, calm down, you'll be here for the rest of the summer; I'm sure that we can squeeze in the conversation."
Hermione looked sheepish, but Harry changed the subject. "Do you want breakfast?"
Hermione smiled and said, "Sure."
_____
The day didn't seem to drag as much with Hermione there; she opened a lot more options of things they could do, weather it be Harry, Sirius, and Hermione, or just Harry and Hermione. Though having to look after Hermione may have been the shortcoming, Harry was sure that Sirius would probably like a break from playing gobstones and exploding snap for a while.
That also made Harry wonder about the school year to come. What was Sirius going to do while he was away at school? He would probably get a job doing something or other, but Harry couldn't help but feel guilty about leaving Sirius alone in a deserted house.
Conversely, even after everything Sirius had said contradicting this theory, Harry still wondered whether Sirius would rather be enjoying time with his girlfriend, and living a more carefree life were he didn't have the responsibility of taking care of a kid. It definitely seemed the more logical choice.
Sirius superficially didn't seem the parental type, though Harry didn't really know much about how the conventional family worked, having never really been a part of one. The Dursley's had never really considered him their relatives, and Harry had only observed the Weasleys at a distance.
Harry couldn't really compare he and Sirius to a typical family unit, as they were far from one. He could only guess that by the warm feeling he got in his stomach, and the nameless emotion he had felt the previous night when Sirius had looked at him with pride in his eyes, saying that he loved him for who he was, that was what it was like for everyone else with family's like the Weasleys, though they took it for granted. That was how it felt being loved.
It was odd now though. He always wondered how it would be, and now he wondered if he would take it for granted. He hoped he never would. He had suffered so much despondency throughout all his life, that just when he was finally settling down and finding love and happiness, it seemed like he would be jinxing it to ignore the risk that it could end at any moment.
That night, he returned to Ron's cell.
_____
Harry walked 'through' the door to see that Ron was staring at the wall on his makeshift bed with unseeing eyes.
"Ron? Are you okay?" he asked, waving his hand In front of Ron's glassy vision. He turned his head slowly to look as Harry sat down next to him. "Ron?"
Ron gave him a blank stare, as if he saw him, but didn't acknowledge his presence. "I want it all to end, Harry." He said, pulling his head down as tears formed in the back of his eyes. "I wish he would just kill me and get it over with. I'm sick of the pain."
Harry looked at him with utmost shock. He had realized that his friend had given up hope, but hadn't known that he was so far gone. Harry gave him a one armed hug, trying to comfort him. "Ron, I know you must be feeling really terrible right now, and above all, bored to tears, but I also know that you don't really want it to end.
Ron turned to him sharply, and gave him a glare. "And how would you know how I'm feeling? You've never been in this situation before. I'm trapped in a cell with barely any food 24/7, and I'm tortured daily. You have no idea what I'm going through."
"Ron, I know what you're going through. Maybe not to the same extent, but I know what it's like to be locked up with no food, and I know what it feels like to be tortured. The Dursleys locked me in a cupboard for ten years with barely any food as well. I lived in a cell for ten years!
"Harry, don't try to compare your life to mine right now. I know you went through a lot, but I'm not used to things like this. You grew up in those conditions, this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me."
"Ron, will you please stop having a pity party for yourself?" Harry knew he was being harsh, but he also knew that gently telling Ron that it could be worse would only make him feel like Harry had no clue what it was like to live like this. "Think about how your parents are feeling right now! I know for a fact that they are probably sitting in bed crying that you're here right now, and if they knew that you are ready to give up, then they would feel like giving up too. You mean loads to a lot of people right now. Think about how your parents would feel."
Harry looked at Ron in the face. He looked like he was going to hit him in the face, but Harry didn't pull away. If hitting him was what it took to get Ron to feel better then so be it. It surprised him greatly when Ron broke out in tears right then and there. Ron didn't bother to wipe the tears away, or burry his head in his hands, he just openly cried.
Harry reacted instinctively- one he wouldn't have had a month ago- and pulled Ron into a hug. Ron didn't seem to respond to it for a few minutes but soon he was crying into Harry's shoulder. "I want to leave. Please! I don't want to be here. I hate this place! I want to go home. I want to see my parents. I miss Fred, and George, and Ginny, and Hermione. I want my mum and dad. Please. Let me leave!" he sobbed, tears flowing freely into Harry's shoulder.
Harry didn't know how he could respond to that. He knew that Ron was feeling home sick, scared and lonely, and wounded. "It's alright Ron. You'll be going home soon. You'll be seeing your friends and family in a couple of days. I promise you, you'll leave this place. You just have to put up with it for a few more days, Ron. Just a few more." he said in what he hoped to be a soothing voice. "Only a little while longer."
Ron continued to cry for ten more minutes, not even trying to contain himself, and Harry didn't try to either, knowing Ron would probably hyperventilate. Finally Ron calmed down.
Shame shined on his already red face, and Harry knew Ron was probably really uncomfortable. "Ron, it's alright. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Don't worry. I would have done the same thing a long time ago if it had been me." He wrapped an arm around Ron shoulder and patted his shoulder.
After a few minutes of silence, the door opened, and the masked figure stood there, ready to commence with Ron's daily torture. Harry normally would have edged away, not wanting to witness it, but that night, he stayed where he was.
The man yelled, "Are you ready to tell yet?" Harry, for a brief moment, wondered if Ron was finally going to break. Instead, he shook his head.
The man yelled, "Crucio!" at the top of his lungs, and Ron screamed with pain in his hoarse voice. Harry, who had still been holding onto him, felt a lighter version of the spell, which caused him to whimper with pain.
"Don't break Ron. Just don't tell him anything. If you tell him what he wants to know, he'll just kill you!" yelled Harry over Ron's screams. Ron just gave him an exhausted futile look and nodded.
After fifteen minutes, the man left, muttering about stubborn kids. Ron broke down again, and cried onto Harry shoulder for another twenty minutes, and finally settled down before Harry had to leave.
_____
Harry woke up that night feeling utterly exhausted, yet completely unready to go back to sleep. He got out of bed, trying not to wake anyone up, because he wanted to be alone. He looked toward the door to the bathroom as he walked silently through the dark deserted hallway, and shook his head heavily. He wouldn't resort to that. He walked down the stairs wincing as each one creaked underneath his bare feet, and when he finally made it to the living room, he collapsed on the sofa.
Harry sighed and buried his face in the leather pillow closest to him. He felt emotionally drained; like it had been he who had cried onto Ron's shoulder. He wanted to go back to sleep. In normal people, sleep was like another world where one could go to get away from life. Harry's roles had reversed. He didn't find any comfort in his sleep at all. Quite the opposite; he needed comfort from dealing with his dreams.
Harry couldn't help feeling guilty though. He was Ron's only source of hope, or escape from the pain of Voldemort. Harry hadn't even a fraction of how Ron was feeling, and only had to deal with it an hour each night; Ron had to deal with it all the time.
Harry shook his head, trying to repel those feelings. He had already gone over this with Sirius. He couldn't keep measuring how bad a time his friend was having compared to his life at the moment. There were thousands of people in third-world countries that were going through the same thing as Ron was, and he couldn't be responsible for everyone's problems. To take those problems onto himself would be suicidal.
He heard soft padded footsteps on the stairs, and knew without looking it was Sirius. They didn't exchange pleasantries, as they never did. Sirius sat down next to him and politely waited for him to tell him the night's events.
"He wanted to give up. He was sick of the pain. He told me that he wanted Voldemort to kill him. After I told him about how bad his family was feeling he… he just started crying. I didn't know what to do."
Sirius looked at him with concern.
"I let him cry for a while, and he kept saying that he wanted to go home and that he missed his mum and dad, and his brothers and Ginny and Hermione. I didn't know what to tell him. I just kept saying that someone would come and rescue him soon… But I keep having to tell myself that I wasn't lying to him."
Sirius merely gave him a reassuring look. "I guarantee everyone is doing whatever they can. I know it's hard to believe because it can't seem like Ron would be of highest of priorities, but he really is."
Harry wanted to smile and feel at ease, but the words had long lost their meaning after being said for the fiftieth time. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why is Ron such a high priority?"
Sirius sighed deeply. " I suppose, to be blunt, it's because he's your best friend. And it may be a little bit hard to believe but for certain reasons; Dumbledore really can't afford to lose your best friend. Mostly because it would affect you horribly. It must seem kind of overwhelming, and you probably feel kind of like Ron wouldn't matter much had he not been your best friend, but it's the hard truth.
"But, I mean, that's not the only reason. Ron is pretty important. He has done a lot of significant things. He helped you achieve a lot in Hogwarts. Plus he comes from a very well-known family, and anyone with the surname Weasley is going to be important."
It made Harry slightly sick that Ron was higher on a list of people to save because of who he was. Harry knew that if he was the one captured, it would mean that every auror and his brother would be out trying to save him, but that still seemed kind of sickening that people without good backgrounds were lower priorities no matter what kind of person they were.
"Harry, it's not the best intentions, but sometimes you just have to take what's given to you." Harry nodded.
"I guess it's only fair. It is my fault that he's been captured so if the fact that I'm Harry Potter gets Ron out then I guess everything's okay."
Sirius gave him an exasperated look. "Harry" Sirius voice was raised, and though Harry knew he had invoked it, he still dropped his vision, not meeting Sirius's eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you it wasn't your fault? Do you want me to follow you around saying 'It's not your fault' until it somehow sinks through that thick skull of yours? I swear; they're going to name a syndrome after you. Harry Potter syndrome: Taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault."
Harry snorted at that thought. Sirius suddenly got up and came back a minute later with a pad of paper and a pen.
"I want you to write 'It is not my fault' three hundred times on this paper, and I want you to really believe it too." Harry raised his eyebrows at him. "I'm not kidding." He shoved the pad of paper in Harry's chest.
"Sirius, nothing you do or say is going to change it! I know it's easier to believe that it's not my fault. But I'm facing the facts Sirius. Ron is only being held there because Voldemort wants to know where I- we live."
"You know, you're absolutely right. It is our fault."
"Wh- what? Wait, what do you mean our fault? It's my fault."
"Well, Voldemort wants to know where we live, so it's just as much my fault as it is yours. You don't know that he's after you. He could be after me."
"Sirius, come on. We both know that Voldemort has wanted me since I was a baby."
"Well, he wants me too. I'm high up on his hit list too you know."
"Sirius, you're being ridiculous!"
"Harry, the way I see it, you are the one who is being ridiculous. You can't keep playing the blame game, okay? It's not your fault. It's voldemort's fault! If you have any resentment, aim it toward him, not at yourself. That's the reason why you cut yourself, Har, it's because you constantly reproach yourself for everything, and you find some sort of way to blame yourself for everything."
Harry looked down at his knees, the universal sign that he knew that Sirius was right. That didn't seem to be enough for Sirius though. He lifted Harry's face up on his fingertips.
"I want to hear you say it." He said firmly.
Harry looked at him defiantly, like he wouldn't admit it, but after a somber look from Sirius, he sighed. "Alright, it's not my fault." Harry said in a small voice.
"Good. Now I want you to believe it." Sirius said with his lips twitching.
"Aw! Do I have to?" Harry said in a mocking voice.
"Yeah, you do. Or else we're going to have to have this conversation every night this week, and trust me, by the end of the week you're going to be too scared to blame yourself."
After a nervous wide-eyed look from Harry that he knew was fake, he smiled and pulled him into a hug.
Harry smiled into Sirius's pajama top. He felt the urge to say something to him, but he couldn't think of what would be appropriate. "You're a good godfather Sirius." He settled on.
End Chapter X- A Visit and a Breakdown
End Notes: Well, I went, I bought, and I conquered. And all in less then a couple of days. It was an 800-page book, and I was saving it for my trip to San Francisco. Bad idea. And by the way, if you haven't read the fifth book yet, I'm not going to be gracious and not spoil it for you because if you're not done the book, you shouldn't be here, you should be reading the book. I went on the plane with almost ten chapters left, and I was hysterically crying at the end when Sirius died. I knew of course. I'm not a hypocrite, I made the same mistake. I didn't have my book when I was staying with my relatives. I went on the Internet and it only took me five minutes to find out who died. I had a nervous breakdown and went into denial.
Gods, why J.K? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
You have never met a fan that didn't like Sirius! I'm sure you haven't! I can't believe I'm saying this but I really wish it had been Ron or Hermione, or Hagrid, or Ginny. *Sighs* Oh well. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
My story's now AU. WBFB. Written Before Fifth Book. I would give up fan fiction altogether, but really. *Snorts* I've put sooo much time into it, and you know… I guess I'll just pray that everyone keeps writing their fics as AU's.
Anyway, lets get down to business. How did you like that chapter? Huh? I'll tell you the honest truth (okay, this has never been proven, but bare with me here) Reviews give you good karma. Really. Just think about how good you feel when you check to see if someone has reviewed and you read. 'I just love this fic! Write more please.' Come on. You know it feels good, so if you write me a review, I'll try and take some time to read your story. Then you get a review too. :)
Responses to reviews:
Gwendellen Snape: Thank you for the review. I know just how you feel. I cried at the end of the fifth book, and that was after Sirius died. I didn't want it to ever end. Plus we have a few years until the next one comes out.
BlackLupin: Thanks. You know I keep getting that response; that I write good dialogs between Sirius and Harry. I didn't know how that would be responded to. It's nice to get good feedback from them.
A.Dee: *sighs* I know exactly what you mean. I went back and reread that chapter and I cried too. You know, I was listening to the radio the other day and 'Because you loved me' came on and I started crying hysterically because of that fic you wrote. *Sniffs and sticks out lip* Have no fear though. Sirius lives on through fanfiction. I just hope you keep writing as well.
BabeyRachey: Thank you for that review. It really lifted my spirits.
Xfphile: Thank you. I'll look into those mistakes. Thanks for the constructive criticism. I really need to look at my spelling and grammar better.
Musiclover86: Thanks. It's all right. You can call it sweet. Personally I think it is sweet. I hope not sickeningly sweet though. Thank you for adding me to your favorites list. That always brightens my day to find I'm on someone's favorites list. I hope that doesn't make me seem conceited though.
Emilie: Thanks. I'm glad you liked the dialog. I was a bit apprehensive about Sirius getting so angry, but I think it worked out good.
Nobody Important: I'm sorry it seems so messed up. I'm really trying to make it flow. I was trying to portray Sirius like that though. I wanted him to be like the all-knowing godfather that Harry can look to for advise. Kind of like Dumbledore, except Harry can relate to him and confide in him.
Next chapter: I haven't even started writing it yet. Sorry. It should be out sooner though. I'm sorry Hermione wasn't in this one much, but she will be in the next one. Next chapter, Harry meets Tonks. (Yes, from OotP) and she comes with interesting information, though any of that could change. It's only a rough idea.
Shameless Plug: If you care, and it's alright if you don't, I have the first chapter of a little ficlet out right now called 'You Can't Tell Anyone'. I was reading a bunch of abuse stories and thinking to myself, the only reason I'm reading it is because I want to get to that bittersweet moment when he has an encounter with Sirius. So I thought, why not just write a fic about that. It would save time and goriness too.