Loss
By BlackPotterGrl
Chapter XIV – Hot and Cold
Harry sighed to himself as he pulled the covers around his bed and slowly put on his pajamas that night. It would have been so much easier just to sleep in his boxers on a night like the one he had. He knew he couldn't risk that of course, as no one besides Sirius and Ron knew that he had scars all over his arms, and they were the only ones that he ever wanted to know. Harry wanted to curl up into a ball, and squeeze the pillows until his knuckles turned white and all of the frustration he had pent up was gone.
Why couldn't his life ever be simple? Why couldn't he know? He didn't know what would be harder, not knowing where Ron was, or knowing that Ron was dead? It was all so confusing. He turned over on his back and stared at the ceiling. The room was so hot! He took off his pants and threw them on the ground next to him. The bed was not the problem. It was difficult to find an uncomfortable place on the mattress, but he rolled around to his stomach to find a cool spot on the sheets.
What was that spell that he had seen Sirius use? He wracked his brain, but he couldn't remember it. He cried out in frustration.
"'Cho doin', 'Arry?" Asked one of his roommates.
"It's too bloody hot in here!" Harry growled. "Can't sleep."
There was a pause. " 's kinda ho' bu' it's nothin' awfu'" They replied. Harry didn't respond.
He needed to talk to Sirius. He knew he did. But, one, he didn't know where Sirius's room was, and two, even if he did know, he didn't want to bother Sirius on his first day of classes. He was probably busy enough preparing for his first class to have his godson come barging in giving him more to worry about with his problems. 'Or he's with his girlfriend.' A small part of his brain whispered.
He narrowed his eyes at the thought.
But there was an alternative. He was about to shake his head and think about something else, but the thought was appealing. There were toiletries in the bathroom and he was pretty sure that there were disposable razors under the cabinets. Harry bit his lip.
Normally he would have pushed the thought out of his mind instantly, but tonight wasn't a normal night. He buried his face deep into the pillows. What should he do?
Earlier had been a nightmare. They had walked to the headmaster's office as if approaching death row. The Weasleys were behind he and Hermione whose face had become pale. The Weasley's looked worse then ever. He imagined that he was looking the same way.
He noticed right away that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were in the room. He was confused. He looked in Ron's parent's faces as if they would tell what was going on. He thought up excuses for why Ron's parents could be here that would mean that Ron was actually okay. Maybe… Dumbledore hadn't told them yet that Ron was all right and he was going to tell them all together. Yeah, that was it!
Dumbledore gestured for them to sit down. He cleared his throat and looked around the room, from the anxious adults, to the on-edge students.
"I'm afraid Ronald Weasley has gone missing." Dumbledore stated frankly. There was complete silence for almost a minute. Dumbledore looked as if he didn't know whether or not that was cue for him to continue, or if he should just let them have their moment to take this all in.
"He- he's missing?" Mrs. Weasley asked in a wavering voice.
"You see, last night, we went to go rescue Mr. Weasley from the dark lord's fortress, but, we got to the cell, and it was empty. This could mean one of two things. The first of which, is that he somehow managed to escape. The second… I'll let you draw the conclusion on your own." Dumbledore stated blankly.
"We have a group of people out searching for him at the moment. I am afraid that if nothing comes up within a month, he will be declared legally dead. I want to wish you all my strongest condolences." Dumbledore did look truly apologetic.
Dumbledore looked down at his hands that were folded at the top of the desk. "Students are excused from classes for however long you need. I can give you all a few moments alone if you wish." Not waiting for a response, Dumbledore left through an exit Harry had never noticed before.
The silence didn't disperse until Ginny let out a sob, and that was what broke it. Suddenly Ginny, Hermione, and Mrs. Weasley began crying hysterically. Harry turned his head to the scene. Fred and George had gone to Ginny's side, trying to give her some comfort. Mr. Weasley was holding his wife, looking as though he was going to do the same thing any moment.
That left Hermione; he moved forward to let her have his shoulder.
Hermione and the others didn't stop crying for almost fifteen minutes. By that time, Harry was struggling heavily to keep his own emotions in check. He wanted to cry. No, he needed to cry. But not here; not in a room full of people. Mr. Weasley wasn't crying over his son… at the moment. He could bare it for a half-an-hour.
He looked over and noticed that Fred and George were standing over toward the door, and Mrs. Weasley and Ginny were crying into each other's shoulders. Hermione slowly stopped crying, and soon, Ginny and Mrs. Weasley did also.
"I think that we should go." Mr. Weasley declared. "I'm sure that the headmaster would like his office back." He was right. They could have their cries in their own common room.
They went down the spiraling staircase and out into the corridor. "Professor Dumbledore gave us permission to take you home for a few days. We know you don't want to miss the first few days of school, but I think it might be wise." Mrs. Weasley said. Harry assumed that she was talking to her own kids. "Hermione, we can make arrangements for you to stay with your own parents if you wish. Or you're welcome to stay with us if you want to." Mrs. Weasley offered her.
"Harry, I would suppose you would like to stay with your godfather, but know our home is always open to you." She told him. He nodded back at her. Hermione looked hesitant.
"I think… I'll stay here. Thank you for the offer though, Mrs. Weasley. I'm really sorry about Ron." She said.
"I can imagine that it's just as hard for you." She told her, giving her a hug. She then turned to Harry, and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.
"Harry?" He saw that Sirius was leaning against the wall. "How did it go?" Normally he would have looked to Sirius for comfort; for reassurance; for condolence. He could tell by the look in Sirius's eyes that he was offering it. Normally he would have accepted it. Normally.
Harry bit his lip and looked down, shaking his head. "We don't know where he is."
"I think that me and Hermione should probably head back up to Gryffindor tower." He looked back at Hermione who looked close to tears again. Sirius nodded, but took him aside for a moment.
"It's good of you to help your friend, Har, but… he's your best friend too. You need time to get through this as well." Sirius told him. "If you need me…" he let the statement hang, and gave his shoulder a squeeze.
What? He asked himself. What do I do if I need you? He didn't tell me. Harry tossed and turned more. He knew he was never going to get any sleep this way.
When he and Hermione had gotten back to the common room at almost ten o'clock, the common room was deserted, and Hermione went to go sit down on the couch. She pulled her legs up to the couch and started crying into her knees. Harry sighed again. He had hoped that he could be alone in the common room for a few minutes, but he should have predicted Hermione having another burst of tears.
It had taken another ten minutes for her to gain control over herself, and by that time, Harry's shoulder was completely drenched. She was still sniffling and whimpering when she went up to bed that night. Harry didn't even bother trying to get a moment to himself. He knew that Hermione would probably be back, and he knew that he would be in an awkward position if someone decided to come down to the common room.
He resolved that this wasn't going to work at all. He was too hot, and too uncomfortable, and despite the fact that he knew that this wasn't going to change if he want downstairs, he knew he needed a change of scenery. He pulled on his pants, and just as he was, he noticed that there was something in the pocket. He didn't remember putting anything, but it might have just been a spare gum wrapper.
He took it out. It was the Marauder's Map! Harry looked at it confused for a few moments. Where had this been? And how had it gotten into the pocket of his never-before worn sweatpants?
Sirius!
He must have slipped it in his pocket before he had walked away. He quickly opened the parchment up and said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." And he saw the school unfold before him. He looked over the dots and rooms, and noticed a section of the castle that a lot of teachers where gathered in, so he assumed that it was the corridor that the teachers had their sleeping quarters in.
He quickly summoned his invisibility cloak, and set out for it.
He was walking down the hall that he knew led to Sirius's room, when he suddenly encountered a large tapestry hanging infront of him. It was a smart thing to do, put some sort of protection in front of the teacher's corridor, as people like Fred and George would have a field day if they could get into the hallway. He looked at the map, and to his surprise, found the password in a bubble near the dot labeled Harry Potter.
When he gave the password, the drapery rolled up and revealed the passageway. There seemed to be paintings of all sorts. There was the customary badger, and snake, for the heads of houses. Harry slightly shivered a bit being so close to where Snape and McGonagall… slept. That was definitely unnerving. He looked at the map, and turned at a portrait of a wolf. He looked at the password, and rolled his eyes. Only Sirius! "Snape is a slimy git" and the painting opened to reveal another door. He knocked lightly; trying to make sure that the only person he woke up was Sirius.
He knocked again, surprised, as Sirius was typically a light sleeper. He looked at the map and saw that, like most of the people in the building, Sirius had little z's next to his dot. He knocked a little bit harder, but there was still no response. He finally opened the door on his own accord, and walked into the room.
He took off the cloak and threw it on the couch, not caring about tidiness for once, and walked up to a door off of the living area. He knocked still harder on it.
"Harry?" asked his disarranged godfather. "That you?" he wiped the sleep out of his eyes.
Harry nodded in response. He didn't know what to say. The idea seemed a lot smarter when he was tossing and turning in bed, but now he just felt like a dumbass. "Can- can we talk?"
"Sure Har. Lets sit down." He gestured for the couch.
"Why didn't you wake up?" Harry asked, trying to fill the air, as he wasn't sure how to approach the subject.
"I know you didn't come here to talk to me about that, Harry." Sirius reprimanded.
"You can't hate me for trying to make conversation." Harry stated unconvincingly.
"This is about Ron, right?"
Harry averted his eyes, but Sirius cupped his chin and made him look up into his pale blue eyes, which were currently boring into his conscience with the concerned look he was being given. "Come on Harry, you can't keep this up forever! Do you honestly think I don't see it, kid? I've only known you for two years, but I can read you like a book. I know that you're hurting. Do you want to talk about it?"
Sirius slackened his grip on Harry's chin, and Harry pulled away, shaking his head no. "If you didn't want to talk, then you wouldn't have come down here at 12:00 o'clock in the morning." Sirius stated to the back of his head. Harry pulled off his sneakers, and pulled his legs to his chest and sat with his back leaning against Sirius.
"Just… stay with me, okay?" Harry ignored how childish his voice had become.
"Yeah, of course Har." Sirius told him. Harry turned and buried his head in Sirius's side. Harry was content to sit there for the rest of the night. Breathing in Sirius's scent calmed him down and made him a lot less crazy.
After five minutes of silence, Harry couldn't contain the words that had been boiling up since he first found out Ron was missing. "I just can't believe it though! Just to think, Ron might be…" Harry was sidestepping the word dead as if saying it might make it happen. "Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to be Ron?" Sirius just rubbed his shoulder reassuringly.
"Voldemort, Harry. He doesn't have a conscience. He doesn't care what he does to people. It doesn't matter to him if he's tearing everyone apart. No, he cares… and he likes it. He wants nothing more for you to get hurt by all of this. He wants you to suffer. But I won't let him get to you." Sirius told him in a faraway voice. "As long as I'm around, he's not going to hurt you. I'm not going to let him."
Harry sniffled. "Too late." He said in a broken voice. "This is all my fault." Harry said tears flowing down his face.
"Harry, you have the distinct right to make friends. There is no law against it, okay? You have the justification to make friends, and live a normal life. And being someone's friend ultimately means that the person if going to stand by you and be your friend in spite of who you are and what the repercussions of being associated with you means. You knew that when you became Ron's friend. You knew that being friends with him could mean that people might look down on you for being associated with the Weasleys.
You knew that, yet you took the risk of being his friend. And despite the fact that I know that you really don't care for anyone that would look down on you for that reason, but it's the same with Ron. He knew that being your friend might make him a target with the dark side. But he's a Weasley! That makes him a target regardless of his friendship with you. That's what friendship is. The Marauders knew that being friends with Remus could mean a lot of trouble, but we put that aside, and stuck with him. That's what friendship is; people that put aside the risks, and look at a person for who they are, not the problems their friendship could bring." Sirius told him.
Harry looked up from the comfortable area in Sirius's side, to look at Sirius's face; his eyebrows furrowed. He tried to think of something to say but he came up with nothing. He just snuggled in closer to Sirius. Fatigue that had been pushed away due to the circumstances seemed to set in, and he fell asleep, tears still streaming down his face.
Harry knew he would get no reassurance from sleep, and found himself being shaken awake from horrible nightmares about Ron. Sirius woke him up, telling him that it was just a dream and that he was all right, but Harry knew he wasn't. He was very far from being all right.
Even though the room had been cooled down a lot, he still felt very hot. He noticed that sweat had formed on his forehead, and he twisted out of Sirius's lose embrace. "You all right, Harry?"
"I'm just a bit hot." He said.
"You look really pale, Har. I think you might be coming down with something." He put his hand on Harry's sweaty forehead, looking as if he had no idea what that was suppose to mean. "Is your forehead suppose to be this hot?" he asked himself.
"I don't think so." Harry told him. "I'm fine, Sir." He shook his head. The movement made him a bit dizzy.
"I think you should go see Madam Pomfrey."
"I'll be fine!" Harry stated. "Just a bit hot." Sirius just shrugged and set the temperature lower.
"That okay?" he asked. Harry nodded. He put his head down on a pillow and went to sleep. He had an odd nightmare. He dreamt that he had his head in an oven, but the rest of his body was out in an ice storm.
"Harry? Harry, wake up." Sirius called. He looked up at Sirius's concerned face. "You're really sick, Har. Are you still hot?"
"No! I'm freezing." He said, shivering.
"But… You're sweating." He felt his face and found that his face and his neck where clammy. Sirius wrapped a blanket around him.
"My head is hot though." He said. "Can you…?" he said, not wanting to be any trouble at this time of night.
"I'm going to go get you a washcloth to put on your head." He said, getting up and getting him a bowl of water, and a washcloth. He wiped the sweat off of Harry's forehead, and rested the washcloth on his forehead, occasionally rewetting it. "First thing tomorrow, you're seeing Madam Pomfrey. Do you want my bed, Har? You're sick, you shouldn't be sleeping on a couch." Sirius asked, wiping his forehead with the cloth.
He shook his head. "I'll probably give it to you that way." Harry said. Not that he could have gotten up. He gave a big sneeze. "You better stay away from me, Sir. I might be contagious." Sirius merely shrugged.
"Humans might be susceptible, but I bet animals aren't." Sirius said, turning into a dog, and laying across his lap. Harry slowly stroked the dogs head, and nodded off.
He awoke with a lurch in his stomach, and tried to make his way for the bathroom, but the dog that was lying on his stomach prohibited him from getting to the toilet. He tried to push the dog off him in his mad dash for something to throw up in, but it was too heavy, and by the time it woke up and made a movement to scramble off him, his stomach had decided that right in front of him was a good place to aim, and he spewed the little he had eaten during the opening feast all over Sirius's couch. And Sirius.
"Oh, god! I'm- shit! I'm so, so sorry! I'll clean it up! I promise. Oh my god…" he stammered to the bile-covered animal, who transformed into his godfather.
Sirius looked down at his throw up covered clothes and winced. "It's… alright. It's just a shirt. A little magic will clean it all up." He said, muttering a spell that made the mess come out of the couch and his shirt and pants. "Are you okay?"
Harry just grunted. "I think I should go back to my own dormitory. Let me throw up there." Harry said, trying to get up, despite his weak arms. Sirius shook his head in a forceful manner, as if to say, 'Don't you dare move!'.
"I'm going to get you a paper towel, and some water." Sirius told him. He returned and started wiping the throw up off of his face.
"I can do it myself, Sirius." Harry said, blushing.
"Just humor me, and let me take care of you while your sick." Sirius muttered lowly. Harry sighed and let Sirius go through his 'I missed half my godson's childhood and I have to make up for it' stage. He passed him the glass of water, and had to help Harry hold it as he was very weak, and Harry worked the taste out of his mouth.
"Go back to sleep, Harry. It'll do you good." Sirius said, curling up as a dog next to him, not wanting to make the same mistake twice.
Harry turned on his side and put his head on top of the big black dog, and found listening to its heartbeat, and it's calm, even breathing sent him back into a calm sleep.
Harry didn't awaken until the sun was rising. He looked at the clock. It was 7:30. 7:30? "Sirius! Sirius, get up! You're going to be late for classes!" Sirius startled awake, transformed and jumped over the side of the couch, over to his bedroom, and threw the dresser open. So hard, in fact, that the drawer flew out of the bureau, and landed on his foot.
Harry looked over the couch, and watched in entertainment as Sirius grabbed his foot, hobbling around the room, while trying to put on his clothes, cursing profusely. "Harry, go to the hospital wing. Shit! I'll come see you after classes. Crap!" He pulled on his shoe, and kicked the dresser.
"Are you going like that?" Harry asked.
"Well, I was. What's wrong?" Sirius asked, looking at himself.
"You look like you were just electrocuted." Harry told him. Sirius spurted another round of colorful words. He got a comb and ran it through his hair. It almost instantly smoothed out, and went back to normal. Harry scowled. It took him fifteen minutes to make his hair halfway decent. He had given up on gel, as it made him look too much like Draco Malfoy.
"Harry, are you going to be okay? Can you make it to the hospital wing yourself?"
"Yeah." He sat up, and pulled himself into a standing position, and immediately fell to his knees. "I'll be fine." He said unconvincingly.
"Come on, I'll skip breakfast today." He said pulling Harry to his feet. Harry felt too queasy to reply.
Harry walked through the hall with Sirius holding him up, and was just about to go through the tapestry that he heard, "Well, look who it is. Potter and Black. Two of my favorite people." The sarcasm was rich.
Snape. Harry and Sirius exchanged glances of disgust. "Well, if you're going to be sick, at least throw up on someone you don't like, eh Har?"
Sirius turned around to respond to the comment. "Can't say the feeling is reciprocal."
"And tell me, what is Potter doing in the teacher's hallway? I'm not sure if Dumbledore told you this, but students are not allowed in. Or was your small mind not able to comprehend this? 50 points Potter."
"Actually, Snape, if I remember correctly, Dumbledore's rule is that students are not allowed to be in the teachers wing without permission. He has permission from a teacher. In fact, he has roaming privileges. And that qualifies as a counter to those lost points."
Snape growled, but didn't lose his formality. "I suggest that you ask those who are superior to you before you make any major decisions, Black!" he spat.
"I obviously won't be asking you then." Sirius said as the tapestry scrolled up.
Sirius dropped in off in a bed in the hospital wing, telling him that he would be back to see how he was doing during lunch. Madam Pomfrey came over to ask how he was, and when he described his symptoms, she frowned and gave him a potion that put him to sleep.
End Chapter XIV – Hot and Cold
End notes: I wasn't going to get Harry sick, but I didn't think that a chapter full of Harry crying and coping, and Sirius trying to calm him down, and tell him that it wasn't his fault would be as interesting as a 'Harry goes through a tough time not knowing where his friend is, while being sick. Why can't I just leave Harry alone though? He can't just get sick, he has to get a complicating illness, as you'll read.
More throw up, and all that good stuff coming up. I wasn't going to update until I got 100 reviews, but I got sick of waiting. Okay, it took me a while to write the chapter.
Responses to Reviews, Sirius style: (He made me write that)
Senshichan14: Hey, in my, and Katie's opinion, having me at the school is better for Harry, as he likes me. I wouldn't punish Harry. Hmm… now that could be an interesting plot line though… This chapter only took a week. And being BlackPotterGrl's muse isn't easy work. Sometimes I have to use force to get her off her arse, and write. You have pleased me. I got a little bit distracted with the gameboy, and Katie got upset, but it's smart to please the muse, because I poke her in the back of the head and make her move, but Katie's jealous because she thinks you like me better then her. Something about only liking her for me, but I'm sure that's just nonsense. Oh, and you flatter me, but, as I said, I'm taken.
SarahPeach: So, wait, you joined the mailing list? That's good. We need people to join, and, more so, send emails. Katie is looking for a fic centering on me to recommend.
Ouch! Wisdom teeth? That suxs! Not to mention, hurts. Oh if you only had magic. Thank you for the review. By the way, where have you been? You haven't updated since July. Katie needs a SarahPeach fanfix.
Alastormadeymoody51: Thank you for your review.
Sexy Black: Actually, I'm the DADA teacher, and the brunette is the History of Magic professor, and… maybe. Oh, by the way, Katie loves Safe or Not.
Sailoranime: Damn! That was a long review, to our pleasure, though slightly… odd. 4:09? Not so surprised. Katie's uploading this at 7:30 in the morning, and she's just about to go to bed. Don't stop reading… please! *Holds up pocket watch* you want to read Loss. It's a good story, a very good story. You must read it! JK!
You don't like the story, but you must read it? Well… I guess that's good. Katie was hoping that the Harry in Loss is different from OotP's Harry. He's angry at the world in that one, and in this, he's more upset, but he doesn't express that through anger. He's more dark, yet more emotional.
Yo Katie! You wrote an infuriating story! Are you proud?
Me: Very proud Sirius. Just knowing the headaches I'm causing gives me reason to live. *Rolls eyes* See, what I go through with? I have my muse twenty four seven. And that isn't good! Not good at all. Be lucky that yours isn't around as much.
Me: I wouldn't trust myself to review anything with only five hours of sleep in me. I guess I was going for the air of difference. It's always kind of weird when Harry's somewhere else. When he's not at Hogwarts, or the Dursley's, or the Burrow. That's all we know. It was odd for me to read about Harry's adventures on number 12 Grimmauld place.
No! It won't be H/H. I am one of those who don't sail on ships. I get seasick too easily, and I can't even imagine writing a fic centering around a relationship unless it's purely platonic. I may, may include a pairing with Ron and Hermione, but it will not center on it, and this fic will involve dating, but not in the traditional way. I'm sorry, but I'm happy you don't want Harry to have to share Sirius, because it will make it so much easier to write the fic that way. Mary Sue's are evil! This is my Mary Sue revenge.
I know what you mean though. Sirius with a girlfriend? It's not right. But Sirius dared me to, so I'm writing it, but not the way you think. KEEP READING! Thank you for joining the list. Don't hesitate to recommend a fic. Please?
A.Dee: She's prolonging the frustration of not knowing where the hell Ron is, just FYI. I know what you mean. I was going to be History professor just so that it wasn't as cliché, but can you see me, Sirius, the Professor Binn's replacement? Maybe Remus, but never me!
Moonlady: I think that it might have been more of a compliment if you liked Soap Opera's, because then Loss would be better then something you like, but I'm still happy you like the fic. BPG actually didn't know whether to kill Ron off, declare him missing, or let him live, so… she picked out of a hat. Ya, I know… kind of sadistic, deciding a character's fate from a hat. J.K. Rowlingish of her, eh? Well, Ron went through a lot of torture, and he didn't know if he would survive or not… that's why he was crying. We believe you! We believe you! I'm not dead! Nor will I ever be dead in the minds of every sane person. (Or insane person lost in denial). That's why we're in… Sirius Denial.
Kimberly:
Me: Okay, to tell you the truth, I do actually wear contacts. I know that the visit to the optometrist was a bit farfetched. It took me to the point of tears of frustration to get my contacts in, but I did it. I was going to give in, but I kept on fighting! But I would say it took me near fifteen or twenty minutes to put them in. I mean, twenty minutes is a lot of time. It makes me feel kind of stupid to look back at my first time as I pop in my contacts within two minutes, but it was hard.
I think I mentioned that Harry had contacts that you put in and they last for a mount or so. I actually have the contacts that you are suppose to take out before bed, but, er, sometimes I take a nap in them once in a while. My eyes burn, but nothing to make me yell about. I don't know if leave-in contacts make your eyes burn on the first day or not, but I would assume not.
Harry is going through the hassles of contacts… I'm just not taking the time to write about it. He put them in the first day, and forgot about them until the next time he needed to take them out. Plus, there was probably a spell that helped keep his eyes from drying out or something.