Chapter 4: Follow Your Heart
The door chime startled T'Pol out of her slight trance. "Come in," she said, moving to stand when she saw the captain enter her quarters.
"No, please don't get up," Jon said, waving her back down. "I'd actually like to join you down here if that's all right with you," he said, taking a seat on the floor and giving her an hesitant look.
"You are welcome to sit with me Captain," she said, crossing her legs and staring into the flame. "I am unsure why you would want to however."
He shrugged, saying, "I've got a lot on my mind right now. I was hoping you could run through some meditation techniques, just something that would clear my mind so I knew what I was thinking."
Instead of agreeing, she rose quickly and moved away from the candles. "T'Pol?" he asked quietly, wondering what he'd said wrong.
"The last time I used Vulcan methods to calm a human, the results were... less than satisfactory," she told him. "Perhaps it would be better for both of us if you sought out a human answer to your human problem."
Despite his best efforts, Jon felt anger stir in him at her stereotypical comment. "My human problem?" he quizzed. "I thought we'd gotten past the labels T'Pol... Three years together and you can still dismiss emotion as a human setback? Well I hate to break it to you, but you've been displaying some emotions of your own lately," he bit out.
"Yes, I have," she replied stridently. "It is for that reason that I suggested you talk to someone else. I am not in a situation to help you right now."
"You didn't hesitate when it was Trip that needed help," he retorted, the words leaving his mouth before he had time to think about what he was saying.
T'Pol's eyes widened in surprise. "Of all the things for him to mention, he brings up my personal life? What business is it of his anyway?" she wondered, anger welling up within her.
"I should have known you would be unable to understand," she muttered, turning away from him.
"Understand what?" he demanded. "T'Pol, don't ignore me," he warned when she didn't answer, "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere until you explain yourself. What am I not able to understand?"
The harshness in his tone fueled her own rapidly growing emotions. "You are human, there are many things you are not able to understand," she sneered.
"Yes there are!" Jon yelled, his frustration at the breaking point. "I don't understand why a normally smart, rational woman could think that a brash human would be a good partner for emotional experiments. I don't understand how that Vulcan could be persuaded to risk her life for the sake of something she claimed she didn't have. What could possess a responsible officer to do things that would endanger her fellow crew, and break the trust she held with her captain?"
He looked at her for a moment, his anger spent. "Can you explain it to me T'Pol?" he asked wearily.
"You know about the Trellium," she realized.
"Yes, I know about the Trellium," he answered, his temper rising again. "What were you thinking? You know it's toxic for Vulcans, why on earth would you decide to experiment with it anyway?"
"It was very illogical, I agree," she said quietly.
"Illogical? T'Pol, it was foolhardy! You saw the kind of damage Trellium-D can do to Vulcans, you experienced a taste of it yourself."
"I believe that is why I did it Captain," she said, interrupting his tirade.
"Wha... you used the Trellium because you knew it could kill you?" he asked, completely confused.
"No, because I had experienced it's... mind-altering powers. I have come to the conclusion that I was not entirely myself when I began voluntarily taking it," she informed him, painfully aware of how weak that she sounded. Vulcans did not make excuses for their behavior, and yet here she had done just that. Embarrassed by both her words and her actions, she turned away from him.
Jon placed his hands behind him on the floor and leaned back, taking a close look at his first officer. He noted the stiff way she held herself, and the fatigue lines this mission had drawn around her eyes. He saw how her hands were clinched into fists as she fought to keep her emotions restrained, and for the first time since learning of her experiment with Trellium-D, he could see what it had done to her without blaming her for it. Unsure how he should continue, he simply stared at her for another moment, allowing the tenderness he felt for her to control his actions.
For her part, T'Pol was growing increasingly uncomfortable with his intense perusal. She had been on the edge of peace before he entered her quarters, but every minute spent in his presence was throwing her equilibrium off. All previous thoughts about casting aside her pride and telling him what was happening were ignored in light of the pressing urge to get away from him.
"Well, if that is all Captain..." she said, trying to end the visit.
"T'Pol, don't push me away," he appealed, rising to his feet and moving to stand in front of her again. "I didn't come here to argue with you," he told her.
"Then why did you come?" she questioned.
"I came... I came because I needed to know why you did it," he admitted. "I needed to understand before I could forgive you. Does that make sense?" he asked, suddenly nervous that his motivations were beneath him.
To his relief, she nodded slowly. "Yes, I believe—from what I have learned of human emotions—I believe it does. Are we... alright?" she asked, the colloquialism sounding strange on her lips.
He smiled slightly and said, "Yes... I believe we are. Good-night T'Pol. If you ever need help coping with your emotions, you know where to find me," he told her, leaving her cabin.
He stood out in the corridor for a moment, staring at the door and thinking about the conversation they'd just had. For the first time since he'd first suspected the nature of her relationship with Trip, he felt like he could move past that. He'd faced the hurt and learned where it had come from, and now he could go on with life. "And hopefully I can convince her to join me," he murmured as he walked toward his own cabin.
For her part, T'Pol was wholly confused about what had just happened. None of the flash-emotions she'd shared with Commander Tucker had prepared her for the depth of feeling invoked by this one encounter. That scared her in a way, since she didn't know what to do with them. However, for the first time since being exposed to Trellium-D, she felt like she could handle them. "As long as he is willing to help me," she added softly, sitting down in front of her candle to continue her meditation.
The door chime startled T'Pol out of her slight trance. "Come in," she said, moving to stand when she saw the captain enter her quarters.
"No, please don't get up," Jon said, waving her back down. "I'd actually like to join you down here if that's all right with you," he said, taking a seat on the floor and giving her an hesitant look.
"You are welcome to sit with me Captain," she said, crossing her legs and staring into the flame. "I am unsure why you would want to however."
He shrugged, saying, "I've got a lot on my mind right now. I was hoping you could run through some meditation techniques, just something that would clear my mind so I knew what I was thinking."
Instead of agreeing, she rose quickly and moved away from the candles. "T'Pol?" he asked quietly, wondering what he'd said wrong.
"The last time I used Vulcan methods to calm a human, the results were... less than satisfactory," she told him. "Perhaps it would be better for both of us if you sought out a human answer to your human problem."
Despite his best efforts, Jon felt anger stir in him at her stereotypical comment. "My human problem?" he quizzed. "I thought we'd gotten past the labels T'Pol... Three years together and you can still dismiss emotion as a human setback? Well I hate to break it to you, but you've been displaying some emotions of your own lately," he bit out.
"Yes, I have," she replied stridently. "It is for that reason that I suggested you talk to someone else. I am not in a situation to help you right now."
"You didn't hesitate when it was Trip that needed help," he retorted, the words leaving his mouth before he had time to think about what he was saying.
T'Pol's eyes widened in surprise. "Of all the things for him to mention, he brings up my personal life? What business is it of his anyway?" she wondered, anger welling up within her.
"I should have known you would be unable to understand," she muttered, turning away from him.
"Understand what?" he demanded. "T'Pol, don't ignore me," he warned when she didn't answer, "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere until you explain yourself. What am I not able to understand?"
The harshness in his tone fueled her own rapidly growing emotions. "You are human, there are many things you are not able to understand," she sneered.
"Yes there are!" Jon yelled, his frustration at the breaking point. "I don't understand why a normally smart, rational woman could think that a brash human would be a good partner for emotional experiments. I don't understand how that Vulcan could be persuaded to risk her life for the sake of something she claimed she didn't have. What could possess a responsible officer to do things that would endanger her fellow crew, and break the trust she held with her captain?"
He looked at her for a moment, his anger spent. "Can you explain it to me T'Pol?" he asked wearily.
"You know about the Trellium," she realized.
"Yes, I know about the Trellium," he answered, his temper rising again. "What were you thinking? You know it's toxic for Vulcans, why on earth would you decide to experiment with it anyway?"
"It was very illogical, I agree," she said quietly.
"Illogical? T'Pol, it was foolhardy! You saw the kind of damage Trellium-D can do to Vulcans, you experienced a taste of it yourself."
"I believe that is why I did it Captain," she said, interrupting his tirade.
"Wha... you used the Trellium because you knew it could kill you?" he asked, completely confused.
"No, because I had experienced it's... mind-altering powers. I have come to the conclusion that I was not entirely myself when I began voluntarily taking it," she informed him, painfully aware of how weak that she sounded. Vulcans did not make excuses for their behavior, and yet here she had done just that. Embarrassed by both her words and her actions, she turned away from him.
Jon placed his hands behind him on the floor and leaned back, taking a close look at his first officer. He noted the stiff way she held herself, and the fatigue lines this mission had drawn around her eyes. He saw how her hands were clinched into fists as she fought to keep her emotions restrained, and for the first time since learning of her experiment with Trellium-D, he could see what it had done to her without blaming her for it. Unsure how he should continue, he simply stared at her for another moment, allowing the tenderness he felt for her to control his actions.
For her part, T'Pol was growing increasingly uncomfortable with his intense perusal. She had been on the edge of peace before he entered her quarters, but every minute spent in his presence was throwing her equilibrium off. All previous thoughts about casting aside her pride and telling him what was happening were ignored in light of the pressing urge to get away from him.
"Well, if that is all Captain..." she said, trying to end the visit.
"T'Pol, don't push me away," he appealed, rising to his feet and moving to stand in front of her again. "I didn't come here to argue with you," he told her.
"Then why did you come?" she questioned.
"I came... I came because I needed to know why you did it," he admitted. "I needed to understand before I could forgive you. Does that make sense?" he asked, suddenly nervous that his motivations were beneath him.
To his relief, she nodded slowly. "Yes, I believe—from what I have learned of human emotions—I believe it does. Are we... alright?" she asked, the colloquialism sounding strange on her lips.
He smiled slightly and said, "Yes... I believe we are. Good-night T'Pol. If you ever need help coping with your emotions, you know where to find me," he told her, leaving her cabin.
He stood out in the corridor for a moment, staring at the door and thinking about the conversation they'd just had. For the first time since he'd first suspected the nature of her relationship with Trip, he felt like he could move past that. He'd faced the hurt and learned where it had come from, and now he could go on with life. "And hopefully I can convince her to join me," he murmured as he walked toward his own cabin.
For her part, T'Pol was wholly confused about what had just happened. None of the flash-emotions she'd shared with Commander Tucker had prepared her for the depth of feeling invoked by this one encounter. That scared her in a way, since she didn't know what to do with them. However, for the first time since being exposed to Trellium-D, she felt like she could handle them. "As long as he is willing to help me," she added softly, sitting down in front of her candle to continue her meditation.