Loss
By BlackPotterGrl
Chapter XXII – Just Forget"Obliviate!" He awoke with start. Why would he be hearing the memory erasing charm?
"Stupefy!"
Lurching forward, he swiftly banged his already pounding head against the side of the bench.
Bench? What the hell?
The thoughts came quicker then his slow, sore brain could handle.
He had been drunk. Why? Sirius. What had he done? Oh he was getting married. WHAT? He had stolen Sirius's bike. THE BIKE! He had wrecked it! Dear God, what was he going to do? Where was he? Oh yeah. The police station; he had been arrested. ARRESTED?! What was he going to do? And who had said obliviate?
"What," There was a pause, and he covered his ears for what he knew would come next. "THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING?"
The person he had least expected to be standing in front of him screaming opened the doors loudly, causing the metal to grate against itself.
Remus Lupin.
He took the neck of his shirt and pulled him up until he was standing up straight. Remus was equal to Sirius height wise.
He looked at him menacingly, and Harry didn't even want to think about what Sirius would do to him.
He jerked his shirt so that he would come, but he resisted. "No! I'm safe in here. I don't want to go back. He's going to kill me!"
"You're damn right he's going to kill you! Do you know how worried he is – come on! Move! – ? Do you have any idea just how much damage you've done? You could be expelled! And you wrecked his bike!"
Harry had started shaking as he was pulled toward the entrance.
"Do you know how lucky you are that he didn't come down here himself? He would be guilty of murder!"
They exited the station with Remus still dragging him by the collar. "Do you realize how many people I had to obliviate? You're going to see just what you did to his bike!"
He continued to rant as Harry focused on making sure his brain didn't implode. This would be the start of a really bad hangover, wouldn't it?
Remus dragged him for about four more blocks until Harry made it perfectly clear that he could walk himself. That actually earned him a cuff round the head.
"You'll be lucky if you can walk after this."
He walked stiffly towards the area where there were people swarming the place. He gave him a swift push into the crowd so he could see the charred remains of twisted and burnt metal. It was almost – in an odd sort of way –beautiful.
Remus, with a look of pain, used a spell that made the bike disappear into thin air. The crowd went into hysterics, until Remus wiped their memories.
"Well, lets go." He said in a voice lacking the anger he possessed earlier.
They walked in silence, but Harry could feel his gaze on him, burning holes in his skull with his eyes.
After a while of walking, Harry had to ask. "Do you think he's really going to kill me?"
"What kind of a question is that?"
"I don't know. The only time I've ever seen him angry was-"
"That was a completely different thing." He barked.
"I'm serious. When he gets mad… he's scary. Like he's going to rip your head off."
"Harry, I've never done anything as screwed up to him as you did. I wouldn't know."
There was another silence. "Does he know about his bike?"
"Yeah."
"Are you going to be there?"
"No."
"But-"
"If he wants to beat the crap out of you, he's going to do it regardless of whether or not I'm there. It's really none of my business anyway."
"You would let him kill me?"
"He's not going to kill you Harry! He loves you."
"Bet you not as much as her." He said under his breath.
"Well after this, can you blame him?" He had been heard, apparently.
Thus the beginning of a long string of curse words intended towards her.
"This is really none of my business. If you don't like her, you should have said something." He raised his voice "NOT go out, get drunk, and wreck his bike!"
"Well it's kind of hard to speak when you've found out that your Godfather's marrying someone you didn't even know he was dating."
"Don't play stupid, Harry. Sirius might not have figured out you knew, but I did."
"He still didn't even tell me he was dating her."
"That's his own-"
"If you're about to tell me that it's none of my business who he goes out with…"
"Well it isn't."
"It won't be when I move out, I guess." It was a spur of the moment statement, but he found comfort in the threat.
"Who do you plan on living with?"
"I really don't care."
"Good luck with that plan. You're fifteen, and Sirius has legal custody of you."
"See, that's the thing about running away. It doesn't matter."
"I really don't know why you're saying this. You know I'm going to be telling Sirius everything you said."
"What will he care? He's going to be getting a brand new wife. He can have his own kids. What will he want me for? I'm damaged goods.
"What has he ever done prior to this that would make you feel this way? That he doesn't care about you? Forget Murphy."
"Well, he…" Damn! Remus had gotten him there. "Nothing."
"Exactly."
"But this isn't even about Sirius! Murphy – one of my worst enemies, somewhere between Malfoy and Voldemort – is going to be living with me. No! Absolutely not!"
"You don't even really hate her, do you?"
"What are you talking about? Of course I hate her!"
"You hate her because she's dating your Godfather, and he's not paying enough attention to you. Otherwise, you wouldn't even care about her."
"I've got a headache. I don't want to talk anymore."
"Just say, 'Remus, you're right' and I'll leave you alone."
"NO!"
"You know I'm right."
"You aren't right. It isn't true. I hate her because… because… you know back when I had that flu. I told her I had a fever of 106, and she still expected me to do homework."
"That's a great argument, Harry."
"And she was routing against our quidditch-" He voluntarily shut up, knowing what a lame argument he was putting up.
"I'm still waiting for my 'Remus, you're right'."
"She's a bitch! She gave me a detention because I went to the bathroom without asking permission. That isn't even a rule. And when I called it on her, she took fifteen points away from Gryffindor! She's a female Snape, I tell you!"
He looked up with horror. He had reached the front doors to the castle. He stopped.
"I can't do this." He said, making to sprint. Remus caught him long before he reached the forest.
He stopped to throw up, and tasted the nasty combination of bile and alcohol.
"Fine. If it makes you feel any better, I'll stay with you to make sure Sirius doesn't kill you. But anything less then broken bones, and I'm not saying anything."
"Thanks, I guess."
They walked in silence. Every step he took, the fear inside of him grew. He felt like he was going to meet Voldemort at that point.
He met students in the hallway who gave him looks of sympathy.
They stood in front of the entrance to Sirius's room, and Remus turned to him, looking almost sorry.
"No use delaying it any longer. It won't do any good."
"Maybe I could write him a letter apologizing, and wait for the initial anger to wear off before I talk to him."
"That's a great idea. Then he can make a list of all the gruesome things that he's going to do to you when he sees you."
There was another silence.
"Gee, that sucked."
"What did?"
"My life just passed before my eyes."
Remus couldn't help but snort.
"Get in there."
His hand trembled as he turned the knob. He pushed forward to find the room in shambles. Everything was broken. Lamps, vases, pictures; they all lay shattered on the ground.
"Doesn't look like anyone's home. I can come back." He whispered to Remus.
"Sirius?" Remus ignored him.
And there he stood.
He hadn't even been aware of his presence for two seconds before he found himself being yanked into the room by his collar with enough force to give him whiplash.
"Remus. I'll fire you later. Go home." He voice was deadly solemn. That alone scared the shit out of him.
"NO! Remus!" He called before he could stop himself.
"Good luck, Harry." He was quiet, like Sirius would strike out at him as well. "I'll check on you in twenty minutes"
And he was gone. He turned, as slowly as he could, frightened.
And before he knew what had happened, he was dangling by his shirt, almost five inches off of the ground. He grabbed the hand clutched on his collar in fear he would be dropped.
He shook violently, squeezing his eyes shut. Bracing himself.
"I really want to know what the hell is wrong with you!" The first blow was across his face. He didn't know if he was bleeding, but he didn't think so.
"What could have possessed you to be that stupid?!" Another smack upside the head.
"What have I ever done to you that would make you treat me like that? Too many bludgers to the head? DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I WAS? How do you think I felt waking up to find out my fifteen-year-old godson had gotten drunk in a bar, and my bike was missing? My bike's gone. Gone forever! God damn it!" Through the course of his rant, he had been smacked two more times.
"Ppplease. I'm, I'm sssorry."
"Sorry? You think you're sorry? I'm sorry I have to call myself your Godfather."
By this time, tears had been flooding down his face. It had been to his belief that it was from the physical pain. But at these words, he gave out a sob of despair.
He shook him violently. "Well? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Please! I'm sorry! Stop hitting me, please." He closed his eyes, deciding he would remain that way until Sirius let him go.
He felt himself being lowered to the ground. His legs couldn't hold his weight and he fell to his knees, landing among pieces of glass that imbedded themselves in his legs. He looked up in shock.
He needn't have, because a moment later, Sirius had fallen besides him.
He found Sirius's arms wrapped around him. "NO! Please! Don't!" It had been his initial reaction, thinking he was going to be choked to death.
Sirius let go of him immediately, and it took him a few seconds to realize what he had thought to be a throttle had actually been a hug.
Sirius stood up, and fled the room. Harry had no idea where he was going, because he figured that he had probably taken the day off of work.
He turned, briefly. "You've been suspended. If you're here when I get back, then you can stay here. Other wise, you can ask Remus if you can stay with him, but you have to meet with Dumbledore soon."
He got to his feet shakily. His jeans were covered in blood and he decided that the first order of business was to get the glass out of his legs.
He walked to the bathroom to look at his reflection. The entire area around his eye was a mess of distorted color. The circles of sleep mixed with the swollenness from his tears, and overall, he looked like he had pink-eye, they were so bloodshot. His hair was a mess, but it barely made a difference. His once white shirt was now saturated with amber, and he smelled like a bum.
His face was swollen from all of the blows, but besides a split lip, he wasn't bleeding.
He borrowed a pair of clothes from Sirius. He took off his pants and found a pair of tweezers, and began wrenching glass out.
He had to stop numerous times, when he found himself enjoying himself a bit too much.
The smaller pieces weren't quite as easy to get out, as he knew they wouldn't be. He found himself having to tear them out of his flesh with a summoning charm. He took a shower and let himself sulk under the flow of water. He had to jut his head out from behind the curtain when a stressed out Remus barged into the bathroom, frantically, asking why no one had told him what was going on.
He considered asking him if he could crash at his place for a week, but ceased from doing it.
He knew that the two of them had to have a talk. He wasn't sure whether he should be scared of him, or if he should apologize to him. On the one hand, he was still furious at him for getting engaged without even telling him he was dating someone, and the fact that he was marrying someone who he had a personal grudge against made it all the worse.
On the other hand, Sirius had been genuinely concerned about him, though Harry had a feeling it was more of the fact that he had destroyed his bike that caused him to hit him.
He bandaged his legs, and went out to the living room and promptly fell asleep.
He woke up to find that it was ten O'clock. He was a little bit surprised to find a blanket he couldn't remember pulling over himself.
He stood up and his back cracked. He had slept in a ball the previous night.
He knocked on Sirius's bedroom door, and he heard a whine of annoyance behind the door. "Harry? Is that you?"
"Yeah." He opened the door just enough to look in.
The light shined through the crack in the door, and he saw Sirius sit up, rubbing his eyes, and turn to him with a glare. "You're still mad at me." It wasn't a question.
"You're damn right I'm still mad at you. And some of us actually sleep at night, you should try it some time." It was a low blow, and he wondered if Sirius realized it.
"I only wanted to apologize." His voice was in a low whisper, and he didn't know or care if Sirius heard him. "I'll just go now." Harry assumed he had, judging by the look of regret on his face.
He shut the door quietly, and made his way to the room he assumed would be his. He curled up in a ball under the covers and tried to pretend he wasn't hurt. He was restless, and hungry, but he didn't dare risk waking Sirius up.
Five minutes past, and he was still no where near tired from his nap. He tried to block out the horrible thoughts that plagued him.
What if Sirius didn't care about him anymore? He knew he was being stupid at that point, but what if he didn't? He had never hit him before. Not like he had.
He was getting married. What if Murphy convinced him not to care about him anymore. She didn't like him.
What if Sirius decided to have more kids? What did that make him? There was Sirius, his wife Murphy, and his kids. But where did he fit into that picture? It wasn't even like Murphy liked him, and would love having him live there. It would be like every day he was just a nuisance who really didn't belong.
He and Sirius had always worked well living together because they had both been pretty much alone. Sirius had Remus, and Harry had Hermione and Ron, but they really didn't have anyone else who demanded attention. The Weasleys had always been close, but they were already a family. Everyone knew where they stood. He was just a visitor; a friend. Everyone had a place, and his was temporary. He didn't even have Ron as an excuse to crash there anymore.
That was how it had been with Sirius up until Murphy destroyed that. He had always had a place at his house. They were almost like father and son. No one had ever really questioned where he stood, but if Sirius really had a son, those differences would be acknowledged. His son would be his son, and Harry would just be some kid that Sirius had to take care of up until he turned eighteen because of some stupid promise he had made to some dead friends. How could he go back to term 'son' when Sirius actually had a biological son to take that spot?
That was the reason the Dursley's liked Dudley so much better than him, right? Because Dudley was their son, and he was their nephew. He didn't want to go back to being 'boy' who lived under a cupboard and was treated like a slave.
Where would he stand now?
Sirius hated him already. He had destroyed his bike. He had gotten drunk. Sirius would want nothing to do with him. What a perfect excuse to disown him. Maybe he should run away. He didn't know where he would live. He could take out an apartment, and say that he was old enough to rent it. The question of money came up, but he could get a job in London. Maybe he could stay with Hermione for a little while.
He felt the bed sag, and was a bit shocked. Wasn't Sirius mad at him? Had he come back to yell at him some more.
"What is it?" He asked, pulling his head out from under the comforter, and, not meaning to, edged away a bit.
Sirius sat cross legged next to him. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry." He replied, not really in the mood to have this conversation.
"No, I really should be. I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to lose my temper like that."
"It's alright, Sirius. I deserved it."
"No, you didn't deserve it. Nobody does. I was just so worried about you. Seriously, Harry. It wasn't because of the bike. I don't even care about that. I just couldn't believe you did something that stupid. I thought you knew better then to let alone drink. But to drive, as well?"
"Are you kidding me? You're mad about me drinking?" He was shocked. "Jeez, Sirius. I'm fifteen. Everyone drinks at my age. I'm sure you did."
Sirius gave him a solemn look that left him sort of cold inside. "Have you ever seen me drink? Ever?"
"Well, no, but you must have when you were younger." Harry was losing his nerve. "Right?"
Sirius gave him another blank stare, and then shook his head.
"What? You? You've never gotten drunk before?"
"No."
"But… why not?"
"Because my parents drank."
"So…"
"So, I learned from example exactly what alcohol does to people. The chances of me being an alcoholic are too large."
He couldn't be sure how long he was quiet for. When he finally spoke, he was a stuttering mess. Why hadn't he considered that? That Sirius would have some emotional issues with alcohol.
He stopped himself when Sirius put a hand up telling him to quit while he was behind.
"Look. It's your life. If you're going to drink, it's really none of my business. I don't like it – don't presume that means I accept it – but when you reach the drinking age, that's your right. Until then, however…"
"I get it, Sirius. I won't drink."
"And what if you hadn't been wearing that helmet? You would have been splattered across the side of that building." He seemed to be gaining the momentum to go on a rant.
"I know, Sirius-"
"Do you know what I would have done if you had died? I should have had this talk with you sooner. Why was I so quick to assume you knew better?" He wondered if Sirius realized that was his weakness… he hated when other people blamed themselves for the stupid things he had done. He hadn't had a lot of experience growing up; everything had been his fault.
"I'm sorry, alright? It was a stupid thing to do. I realize that. I'll start looking in the newspaper, alright?"
"Remus fixed it, Harry. Nobody except the staff knows about it. It wouldn't be in the paper."
"I meant for an apartment."
"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked him.
"Well, you aren't going to want me living with you, now, and I'm not going to be able to live with Murphy…"
"You're not moving out, Harry."
There was silence as he realized that Sirius wasn't going to elaborate, so he decided to pursue it further.
"But, what about-" He wasn't sure how to put it in words.
"I'm sorry if you don't like her, but you're not moving out." There was no room for argument in his voice, but he didn't want to take that for an answer.
"You want me, still?"
"What is your obsession with being wanted? Did Ron get kicked out of his house when his parents were angry with him?"
"No, but, he's their…" He faded out.
He remembered back to when he had been sick. Sirius had been so adamant about Harry not calling him 'Dad'. He had been feverish at the time, but now it felt like ice in his stomach. He would never hear the term son, in reference to him.
There was silence. They had never discussed this. They had never had a reason to. It was new territory, and Harry didn't like the feeling it was giving him in his gut. He should have never set his expectations so high, because it now left him feeling disappointed. He was hating the feeling he got.
"I'm not your son, you've made that perfectly clear." Sirius didn't respond, and he couldn't read the expression in his face, before he turned away from him. "So, I have no reason to expect you to treat me as such. I'm your godson, so you really have no real obligation towards me. I screwed up. I screwed up." He struggled to keep speaking. The words caused him pain, as if he was fighting with his lungs to keep letting him speak. "It's my own fault. You should forget about me."
Sirius was still studying the darkened wall. He forced himself to keep talking. He felt tired, now. He wrapped himself tighter in his blanket to sooth his numbness. His brain was overcome by a fog. "You should just start your own family. I'm weighing you down, aren't I? Like your past keeps haunting you. You should forget about my parents, and forget about me. Just get married, and have your own kids, and… forget about me."
He breathed in. He felt like his insides were being crushed. He felt himself nodding off. Sirius wrapped his arms around him, and he didn't have the energy to protest. He ignored the single tear running down his face and he struggled to stay conscious.
He heard the words repeated as if a mantra as he drifted off. "It's not true Harry. It isn't. I won't forget you. It isn't true. I love you."
End Chapter XXII – Just Forget
Notes: I'm deliberating between posting the responses on my live journal. Tell me if you think it's a good idea.
And I know what you're thinking. *gasp!* Sirius? Hit Harry? NEVER! (Obviously, you've never read my other fic) But, yes, that was essential to the plot. And you have to take into consideration that most parents do hit their children for disciplinary reasons.
So, don't be too harsh in the reviews, and I beg you to keep reading even though the whole situation looks hopeless.
Responses (24! Wow!)
MalletWeilderofDoom: Erm, glomp? Is that a hug? Well, now it's in my vocabulary, so I'll be using it periodically. Actually, he wasn't flying it, he was only driving it in the street. The end must have confused you. It only 'flew' into the pole because the car had hit it. So, thank you for your review. It caused me much laughter and amusement.
Xirleb70: Wow. That was a really nice review. Thank you.
Aalikane: *snickers* Harry sounds a bit like a drill sergeant.
Katani Petitedra: I was wincing a bit while writing it. This chapter, however, I was near tears. I hated doing that to Harry. And, in a strange way, to Sirius. Thanks.
Paradox01: Of course. Very fun. Thank you.
Buffy Summers1: That's all right. I know I usually don't have time to review. I hope this met your approval. Thank you.
Sweet Lory Black: Thank you. Murphy is a bitch, I know. I was hoping everyone would find that scenarios funny, even though it shouldn't be. Thank you.
FroBoy: Not kill, exactly, just smack around a bit. I'm figuring everyone who said 'Sirius is going to kill Harry!' was just being dramatic, and probably weren't even expecting him to be hit. Thank you.
Sailoranime: Wow! Another long one! I just love your reviews. This would probably be a 4kb if I had hotmail for this account. Maybe I should try using your system. Alistair? Very interesting. Oh, I've had emergencies. Especially when I'm taking a bath (too much info, I know!) I'm always getting these bright ideas. I'm waiting for your next update. Of course, I've been horribly inspired lately. I'm not supposed to be posting, I'm supposed to be reading! My Mom would be upset.
For being on such a tight schedule, you sure left a long review. (Leave another one!) Um, forty words? I get mad at myself when I can't get past 500, but we're all different. I'm glad you didn't find any mistakes, or I would have to fire my beta (though I would probably chop off my hand before doing that, and then I wouldn't be able to type anymore! AH! Actually, on second thought, I don't think she did the chapter you're referring to).
I read, reread, and read until my eyes are sore. I actually like going back to favorite parts in my story, and rereading them just to get inspiration for future fluff. Oh, drunk Harry's funny. I can't wait to see the drunk Remus in your story though. *Laughs*. You have to read 'Bitter', if you want to see my rendition of Harry as a bad boy. I'm glad you got the razor thing.
That's fine. You don't want to know what I call her. Well, Murphy is her last name. Though, I doubt you'll want to call her Carmon. Do you think I'm spelling that right? That made me laugh. "I would hate if Sirius were dating guys. Where is Remus, anyway?" Well, in this chapter, of course. Do you remember, way back, a while ago? We had that discussion on my yahoo group. No one knows. I figure they're blue, but they can be gray, thought I don't like the thought of that.
Tatshing: Don't we all? Thanks for reviewing.
Savoy Truffle: Thank you very much. I've read your story, as well. I'm still waiting for you to update your prequel, though I was horrified at the scene where Harry got raped. Too bad he had to get shot, I was waiting for it happen again. *blushes* Not that… I like the thought of him being raped… never mind. Thanks for your review.
Star-prancer: Your welcome. Thank you for your review. Thanks for noticing that. And that will come up again. Can't say more then that though.
Lizziepooh29: Thank you for your review. She aggravates me at times as well.
Lanfear1: Harry didn't get hurt, exactly. He was wearing his helmet, and I think I mentioned way back when that when he wears the helmet, he doesn't get hurt. Or did you mean the bike? No, the bike is wrecked (as you probably realized). Oh, I'm sorry you had to go through with that horrible experience. No body should have to read that book. *shakes head* Thanks for reviewing.
Shawn Pickett: I'm glad you got that figured out. (I mean the alarm clock) This chapter should explain some of his fears. Thank you.
Kiki: Thank you. : )
Someone: Amusingly interesting, huh? Cool. Thanks for your review.
Serinthia: Uh, well for starters, I'm almost done this anyway. But no, I don't plan on abandoning it.
Calen: Probably. He was pretty drunk though. And, plus, they were closing, and they were threatening to call the school.
HP-lover-1-lol-: That's going to come up later, though I probably shouldn't say anything. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time. Thank you for your review.
Hitchcock: *snickers* Yeah, she is annoying, isn't she. I'm glad the whole thing doesn't seem terribly out of character to you. Thanks for reviewing.
Oceanjewel: Thank you for reviewing. : )
Wow Girl (Or 80, for short): I was laughing hysterically at your review. Does this explain the reason behind me asking you about being drunk? Wow, erm, that was quite a review. If this had been any story but mine, and author but me, what is it that you would have done? I'm waiting. *looks at watch* Come on, I want to know. *looks at watch, and starts humming* That comment was a bit random. In the course of a bunch of wows, that you hope your Mom doesn't marry her boyfriend. I guess I can say with all honesty "Welcome to the world of Katie *mumbles last name*". And if you thought last chapter was worth a wow, I can't wait until you review this one! Actually, I'm still waiting for you to respond to my email. At least, I think it's your turn.
Sunnysparkles: Wow, all twenty one? Thank you. I'm glad you like them.
Notes: So thank you all for everyone who reviewed. You really motivate me to keep on writing. Next chapter should be pretty controversial as well.