Loss
By BlackPotterGrl
Chapter XXIII – Cut to your egoHe wanted so bad to forget the next morning, as he woke up, that any of it had happened at all. He would wake up in his own bed, in his own dorm, with all of his roommates waking up and getting dressed, and Sirius wouldn't be engaged, and he wouldn't be suspended, and Sirius's bike would still be intact, and he would have a stable home to go to next summer.
Of course, he was in the spare bedroom in Sirius's place, and he was still suspended, judging by the time: 11:30.
He had to remember the next time he saw Sirius to ask him how long he was out of school for, and what the boundaries were.
He got out of bed and nearly tripped over his trunk. If that wasn't saying something, he didn't know what was.
He found a post-it attached to the top.
You are to go to Dumbledore's office to meet with the both of us for lunch.
It was in Sirius's handwriting. He assumed he should be thankful for being able to sleep off his hangover yesterday.
With a stomach full of dread, he turned towards the clock and realized he had only twenty minutes to go until his lunch hour would start.
He striped off the overlarge clothes he had been wearing and examined the wounds on his legs.
He took a brief shower and tried to get his mind off the impending doom.
He left the teacher's wing just as classes where letting out, and ran right into Hermione.
He almost shielded himself, because she looked like lasers where going to shoot out of her eyes.
"Harry." She didn't seem to heed the rest of the students in the hallway. "What the HELL where you thinking?" she hollered.
There was sudden silence, and he watched with a half-smile as she instantly turned bright red.
After about fifteen seconds of humiliating silence on Hermione's part – and Harry's as well – the rest of the students began talking again.
"That seems to be the question of the week." He said wryly. "Listen Hermione, I really have to go. I'm meeting with Dumbledore."
She looked like she was going to cry. "OH, you're going to be expelled!" she moaned. "I'm going to be left here all alone with Malfoy!"
"I'm not getting expelled." He said, quietly.
"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that." He should have known. It was Snape.
"Come on, Potter. You don't have time to socialize." He said silkily. He wondered why Snape was reminding him. Unless he knew something he didn't.
"Gotta go, Hermione." He whispered hoarsely.
He began walking again, this time stiffer then ever. He wasn't surprised to see that Snape was following him, because he knew if he was getting expelled, Snape would want a front row seat.
"Snow caps." Snape said, in an irritated voice.
But he didn't follow him.
He opened the door to the familiar office, and remembered the last time he had been there. He hoped the news wouldn't be as overwhelming as it had been then.
"Sit down, Harry." Dumbledore said, quietly. He sat down in a chair trying to get far away from Sirius.
He pulled at a lose thread on his shirt. It kept unraveling, and the material started to bunch.
Dumbledore looked like he wanted to speak, but Sirius cut him off, first.
"Before we start, I just want to remind you of what an idiot you are."
"Thanks. I had almost forgotten for a minute. It's great to have such a loving Godfather like you to remind me periodically."
Playing from the basic rules of surviving as a teenager, he made the classic mistake, and took all the fear and nervousness, and turned then into witty remarks that would just get him into more shit.
He ignored the groaning and stamping of feet of the little voice that reminded him when he was doing something stupid.
"If I could speak?" Dumbledore said, drawing Sirius's attention away from him. "Harry. I think you know what you're here for. You have been here-by suspended for the rest of the week."
He nodded, the dread growing more painful, and the smart remarks gathering up in his brain.
"This is what we call, a hearing. You and your guardians, or guardian, in your case, discus whether or not you should be expelled or not."
The acid bubbled in his stomach, painfully. In grade school, he had been 'randomly selected' – though Harry knew for a fact that Dudley had fixed it – to read the announcements at the end of the school day. A hated position. Everyday he had to walk down to the principal's office to struggle over words in front of a loud speaker, but, every once in a while, the door would be closed, and there would be a little boy or girl crying, with his parents looking furious. The secretary would tell him they were having a hearing, and Harry had always thought, "At least I'm not that kid."
"I, myself want to know why you decided it would be a good idea to steal, and wreck, a facility member's vehicle, and get drunk in the process."
There was a silence. How was he suppose to explain his reason to a 150-year-old man, who also happened to decide whether or not he would still get an education. 'Maybe I should be expelled' he wondered.
"Because-"
'Oh no! Don't say what you want to say, Harry! Don't!' The little voice warned him.
"I… I was angry… with Sirius. I didn't want him to get married." The little voice sighed with relief.
"Yes, I'm aware of that."
"I was just… really upset over it."
"Did it ever once cross your mind to talk to him about your disapproval of his engagement?"
There was a silence. Embarrassment flushed his face. He couldn't admit the truth. That he had been scared. He couldn't do it. He couldn't put Sirius to the ultimate test, between Murphy and him, because he was afraid. Afraid he would lose.
"No."
"That's your own mistake, Harry. You're going to need to learn how to manage your anger."
"I'm sorry. I'm just… really sorry."
"Sorry won't bring my bike back."
Sirius muttered in a voice that clearly said he wanted that comment ignored.
'Don't say it, Harry! Don't! You're still in so much shit! Don't say it!' The voice didn't exactly get its point across, and decided to duck for cover.
"Well telling you I hate your fiancé won't make you dump her."
"I guess we're both right."
The little voice had to practically strangle the persistent urge to call her a bitch. The one argument that got through to him was that he was sitting right in front of Dumbledore.
"Harry. May I ask why you have such a problem with your professor?"
"She's the one who hates me!"
"I highly doubt that."
"Why not? Is it that hard to believe that a teacher could hate me for no valid reason?" He said, matter-of-factly.
"What makes you think she hates you?"
His discussion with Remus the previous day was still haunting him. His stupid allegation that she had made him do homework when he was sick would have probably utterly destroyed his credibility.
"She just really doesn't like me. Any idiot could tell you that. She glares at me all through class. She picks on me for stupid stuff. Gives me detention for things I didn't do. I don't know what I did to her. She just doesn't like me." Not really a huge lie. She did do most of those things. The truth was he was pretty sure she was on to him about most of the pranks he had pulled.
Dumbledore took this information in slowly, and with his hands folded, Harry realized that he had come to a conclusion about his punishment.
"Harry. The utter irresponsibility that you displayed was something I would never have expected of you. I honestly don't know what you were thinking when you made the choice to intoxicate yourself, and I can only assume that your reason to drive was the result of the alcohol you ingested. I seriously considered whether or not your godfather should be let go. You obviously can't handle him working here."
Harry's eyes widened. If he was expelled, that would be his own burden to deal with. If Sirius was fired because he had done something stupid… that would be something he would have to live with for the rest of his life.
"I took into account, however, that you've had quite a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. The death of your relatives, your best friend's disappearance, the discovery that Voldemort's death relies on you, and now the news that your Godfather is engaged. I don't approve of your behavior, but I'm holding stress responsible for your actions." Sirius bit his lip a bit, probably realizing that this had been a really stupid thing to spring on him midway through a lot of already straining events.
"The destruction of Professor Black's bike." He started. "I've decided that I'm going to handle this as a family problem. Since the bike was Sirius's, it's up to him to decide the punishment."
He examined Harry a little discontentedly. "Although," He said to Sirius, "I would hope you refrain from hitting him again. I would think you of all people would know better then to hit your child."
Through Dumbledore's speech, he had felt a little cold at the words 'family' and 'child', and the voice had to make a return to stop him from reminding Sirius that he didn't consider Harry either of those terms, though he had no idea if he did or not.
The expression of Sirius's face stopped him from commenting. He looked as though he had been punched in the stomach. Dumbledore either didn't notice, or wasn't concerned.
"Harry. You are not allowed to roam the hallways for the next week, except for hours when you wouldn't normally be in class. You have access to the grounds, but that is about all. You are not allowed in your dorms, either, so you are to stay with Sirius. You are allowed to eat in the great hall. Normally, you would go home, but under these circumstances, you don't have any supervision for the next week. Unfortunately, because I'm giving you a break on your punishment, you are on probation for the rest of the year. If you are suspended again, you will immediately be expelled, regardless of the circumstances."
He nodded, numbly.
"Sirius, you may return to teach your lessons, or you may have someone else cover your lessons for the rest of the day to discuss Harry's punishment. Harry, you may go back to your Godfather's room."
His legs felt heavy as he descended the stairs behind Sirius.
He bumped into him when he stopped suddenly outside of his office.
"Harry, I've decided on your punishment. I thought you would like to know." He turned looking at him.
He took an automatic step backwards, flinching.
Sirius flinched as well, but he looked more hurt than nervous. Then he looked a bit sorry.
"I'm taking your broom away for the rest of the year. You aren't to play quidditch, formally, or informally for the rest of the year, and that involves any flying what so ever. I'll give it back to you at the beginning of the summer."
He felt his heart being wrenched out of his chest and thrown to the floor and stomped on.
And then, sudden calm.
There was silence for a few ticks, as his face went from devastated to nonchalant.
Sirius looked at him nervously. "Please, Harry. Scream, rant, I don't care. I really don't like the look on your face right now."
"No, it's all right, Sirius. I deserve it. It's all my fault. I was stupid. I won't play quidditch this year."
"I- I'm glad you understand." He still had a look of unease as he turned and left for his classes.
He walked back to the teachers hallway, and through the door past the wolf.
He didn't have much time, because Sirius would be suspicious, he realized.
____
He sat at the kitchen table and put his head down in his arms. He couldn't handle all of it. If Sirius had just waited perhaps a week later, he would have had more time to deal with this. But he was drowning, and someone had just tied a rock to his ankle. He knew he deserved it, so he couldn't blame Sirius. He couldn't blame anybody. He knew Murphy was probably the reason behind all of this, but at this point, he realized that he had to take responsibility for it.
The word 'burden' flashed through his head for the first time in many months. He hated himself for it. He was the reason Sirius had no bike. He was making him feel guilty. He wanted Sirius to be happy. Sirius should be happy. So he would have Murphy.
He hadn't wanted Sirius to have to choose between him and his girlfriend. Now… he wouldn't have to.
He was the reason Gryffindor wouldn't have a seeker any longer. He had hurt everyone in some way or another. He had thought it would be a good idea to abandon Hermione, and ended up hurting her more. He hadn't been able to save Ron…
He stared unseeingly down at the table. Down at the knife.
He didn't know what he was doing. Was he cutting, or was he…?
He felt the itchy sensation at his eyes, but he didn't cry. He didn't want to, and he wouldn't let himself.
He fingered the blade, and let one of the drops of blood fall onto the dark wood table.
He raised it towards his exposed wrist, and turned the blade facing the blue vessels.
He tightened his hold on the handle, and stretched it away from him, as he fell to the ground, shock exploding from his mouth in the form of a gasp.
Both of his shoulders touched the ground as one strong arm pinned down his chest. His legs lost feeling from weight of being sat on as he struggled in a last futile attempt to do what had attempted. This would be his last chance to do it.
Another arm grabbed the wrist he held the knife in and the other yanked the exposed handle downwards, leaving the blade to slice through his clenched fist.
He could not only feel the warm blood soaking through his palm, but he could see it, stained on the knife as it was wrenched out.
With a loud thud, the knife had been thrown violently into the wooden drawer holding the silverware, ironically, and out of his grasp.
There was nothing left in his hand but sticky blood.
And then, of course, he struggled. He wanted his freedom. He was hysterical, and the only thing he could think of was that he needed Sirius to get off of him.
He was laying on the ground, with his shoulders pinned down on the cold tile against two rough hands. Sirius was sitting on his legs, so he couldn't move them either.
"Let me go. Get off me!" His voice broke in his terror and uncertainty. He hated the tears that spilled down his checks, but he had no idea what to do. The panic that he felt was beyond any he had ever had before.
He was pinned down for one minute more, until his thrashing died down, and no energy was left except to sob. Sirius was so much bigger then him. He couldn't compete with his strength, and the fact that he hadn't eaten in almost two days contributed to this.
Sirius had yet to speak. In the beginning, his expression had been of horror. Then, it had changed to determination. Now he looked exhausted.
Finally, he felt the hands on his shoulders slacken, and he rose quickly, though his legs where still being sat on.
There was silence for a few ticks, as they both looked at each other. Harry, through his tears, looked with grief, and Sirius, with a look that said quite clearly, "How could you do this?" But he decided to voice it anyway.
"How could you do this, Harry? I don't understand how you could be this stupid! What the hell where you thinking?" His voice wasn't angry. It wasn't raised. It was sad. Almost lament.
He couldn't speak. He couldn't explain. How was he supposed to explain? Did Sirius think this was about quidditch? Did he think he was that shallow? He couldn't voice this though. He wanted things to go back to the way they had been. When Sirius could just give him a hug, and everything would feel better.
"Harry talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." His voice was high, and almost panicky.
"You know exactly what's wrong." He wanted to shout it, even though Sirius's face was only a few decameters away.
"Talk to me. I want things to be like they were. You used to be able to talk to me."
"How am I suppose to talk to you when you aren't listening to me? You don't listen. You don't care, so why should I bother?"
"What makes you think I don't care? Harry, what I have done that would make you think that?"
"You didn't care enough to tell me that you were dating. You didn't care what I thought of her. You don't care that I hate her."
"Harry, so much shit has happened in the past few months, and you had so many problems going on already, there was no real time I could just spring it on you that I had been dating someone for the past four months."
"Well you did a fine job of springing your engagement on me."
"I had thought that you had enough time to move past Ron, and all of that to deal with something like this rationally. Apparently, I was wrong."
"Yeah, I guess you were."
"But, Harry. You can't go trying to kill yourself over some stupid shit like that. So I'm getting married. What does it really matter?"
"What does it matter!?" His voice rose so that Sirius had to lean backwards. "How the hell doesn't it matter? You're my godfather. I know you don't consider me your son, but you're practically my father. Who ever you marry I'm going to have to deal with for the next three years!"
Sirius averted his eyes as he had done the previous night when Harry commented on him not being considered his son. "I'm the one who's marrying her, not you."
"I'm still living with her!"
"You don't have to like her, Harry. You just have to deal with her."
"You not giving much goddamn choice on the matter, now are you?"
"Nobody gets to chose who their parents are."
"Well I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?" He regretted saying what he had, but not enough to apologize.
"I'm not like my parents." He said quietly, as though he himself wasn't even sure.
"I wouldn't know, I've never met them before."
"I apologized for hitting you. It will never happen again, Harry. I swear."
"I don't expect it to. Anyways, why bother beating your kid when you can do so much more damage psychologically scarring them."
Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Um, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind getting off of my legs. They're going to need amputation soon."
Sirius eyed him suspiciously, but got off of him.
He pulled his legs up to his chest as soon as he was released, and rubbed them to get the circulation going again. He dried his face off with his non injured hand as Sirius sat cross-legged next to him.
"Look, Harry. I'm really sorry, but nothing that you say to me is going to change my mind about my marriage. I love you Harry. I really do! But, I love Carmon in a different sort of way." He claimed. Harry didn't want to think about it.
"You- you were the only really stable thing I had in my life. I mean, Ron's gone, and Hermione been… different since he disappeared. I don't even know her anymore. Everything has just been going out of control. You were the only thing that stayed constant through the whole mess. Now, you're not even the same. I hate this. I want everything back the way it was."
There was silence again. Now that he got that off his chest, he realized that that had been the source of the whole thing.
Everything was changing, and the one thing he had counted on staying the same was making the biggest adjustment of all.
"Harry, you're my godson. You'll always be my godson. That's never going to change."
"How much significance is that going to have when you decided to have your own kids?"
"What makes you think I'm going to have my own kids anyway?"
"I don't know. You're getting married. That usually the first thing everyone wants to do as soon as they get married. Have kids."
"Okay, yeah there is the possibility that I might want to have kids. Would you like me to at least wait until you turn eighteen before I start though?"
Tears rushed to his eyes. "Not even married yet and it's all ready starting."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Would you like to start the countdown today? Only three more years and he's out of our hair forever. I've already dealt with resentment for the past fifteen years. I know exactly what that's like." Tears rolled steadily down his face again.
"I don't get what you're trying to say. I don't resent you."
"No, but she will. Everyday, it'll be like I'm back at the Dursley's. It isn't going to be 'our' house, it's going to be 'your' house. I'll be living in her house, and she'll probably remind me of it every day. I'm the reason you can't have kids yet. The reason you can't have a family." Aggravation got the best of him. "Every day I'm going to hear that I'm out of her house the day that I turn eighteen."
"It's not going to be like that. I wouldn't let that happen." Sirius said.
"Why do you keep making promises that you know you can't keep?"
"I'm telling you the truth, Harry."
"Look." He said, getting to his feet. "This summer, I'm just going to start looking for a new place to live. You can stop pretending and not have to worry about me messing everything up for you and your new wife. I'll just get out of your hair. He walked towards the hallway, backwards looking Sirius in the face as he said this. Sirius got to his feet as well. He paused in front of the entrance, still facing his godfather, mentally counting to five. 'Five seconds. If he doesn't say anything in five seconds, he really doesn't want me.' He thought. '1', Sirius didn't move. He stood, staring at him solemnly. '2' he ran his hands through his hair. '3'. He looked down, not facing him, '4', he turned '5', he sat down at the table.
Harry turned his head away, a fresh batch of tears slowly careening down his face as he lay back in bed, briefly realizing he was going to have to follow up that empty threat.
End Chapter XXIII- Cut to your ego
Notes: Hey. Nice and sweet chapter, huh? Well, angst galore at least. I've got something else up my sleeve as well. So next chapter's all ready been started, so you shouldn't have to wait too long.
I cried while writing this chapter. It was reading it over again, and I didn't think that it was that bad, but… I don't know. It's probably a different reaction among readers then the author, right?
I know, really crappy title. I'm sorry for that. I couldn't think of anything, and I want to get this thing out tonight, so work with me here.
Responses:
FroBoy: Yeah, I guess. Spanking seems a bit young, don't you think? Anyway, having his broom taken away is going to suck even more, I'd bet. Thanks for your review.
Katini Petitedra: Wow, thanks. It always seemed really cruel that authors really liked the fact that their reviewers claimed they cried while reading the chapter, but I'm really flattered.
Eruve tinwen: Oh, really? I guess I'm half sad, and half happy that people are claiming last chapter made them cry. Yeah, I'm pretty sure almost all of the reviewers would back you up.
Lanfear1: Child abuse isn't what Sirius did to Harry. Child Abuse is when a parent hits a child for no real reason besides just to take out their aggression. Sirius wouldn't do that to Harry… at least not in this fic of mine. I know a lot of parents who punish their kids by hitting them. Thanks for your review none the less. Remus's reaction was only because he knew he really didn't have any say in the matter. Thanks a lot.
Oceanjewel: Yeah, I know. Thanks for your review.
Shawn Pickett: I guess it's a matter of point of view. Thanks for your review.
WithinEveryDarkenessIsLight: Thanks a lot. I worked pretty hard on last chapter. This chapter I worked even harder.
Aalikane: Well, you're theory is unique. You get points for that. But no, Petunia is dead in this story, actually. Way back in chapter 2. Thanks for your review.
Lory In Love: Uh… okay. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Oh, don't worry, you can't even be in the same room as me when I'm high on caffeine.
Xirleb70: Pretty Irish myself. Can't go to beach period. Had to learn that the hard way. Punched my stepfather once, and this girl from school… well, don't want to talk about that punishment. Don't worry, you're not alone. Everyone hated Murphy. I think I mentioned in our conversation on AIM that I don't know any other story's like that, so sorry. Gee, that's really nice to hear! So, thanks for your review.
Sailoranime: Yes, I read it. In fact, remember when I said I was going to do fan art? Well, I did it. The bad part, I can't show it to you. *sigh* I asked my Mom to take me to Kinko's, but when I refused to tell her want I wanted from there, she said she wouldn't take me. I should have said it was for mothers day… oh well. I have you on author alerts as well, as you probably know as well. 11 O'clock is when I'm forced to get off the Internet. Sucks for me, I know.
I've decided I'm not going to. I wanted to do it for my other account, and now, I can't get to them, so I can't post my chapter. It just sucks. Parental controls will be the death of me, I tell you! You realize that you said, "Whoops, I said 40 words? I meant 40." I'm still not sure what you meant. I'm guessing 400, or 4000. 4000 is my goal for every chapter. I always stick to that, except for chapter… I don't know, and I don't feel like checking. Sorry, I'm just really tired, and want to get this chapter up.
Read it when you get around to it. It's really not that big a deal. *Pouts to self* No, I'm just kidding. Hmm… murderous shalt shakers? Strange, actually. I've seen and been around a lot of drunk people, but I've never actually seen one that slurs. I think it'll be funny when I finally do though. I have… one unfinished one-shot. Okay, it's two chapters, and 1's all ready posted, so sue me. I've got two long stories in which I've only started the first few chapters of, and the other one I probably won't get around to posting. In between my other two stories, and Loss, and its future sequel, I'm kind of over my head. But if you can manage your time, I guess I've got nothing to complain about.
I read 'Right-Hand Man' on your LJ actually. I have no idea. I just like the idea of a man with black hair and blue eyes. Don't ask me, I'm can't explain it. Interesting reaction. I was a bit alarmed when you said this chapter was 'funny', but I read down further, and I think your reaction was just about right.
I know what you mean with 'drinking Sirius'. I mean, isn't that the best kind of hero? A tragic one? Hate those cocky kind. They just piss me off. You didn't know him? That really sucks. I mean, knowing my step father didn't really help the process, but having it just sprung on you… well, I guess that is sort of what I did to Harry, huh? I do that all the time. Jeez, kind of scared for myself, actually, sometimes. I get so wrapped up in the drama, but who cares if they're real or not. Dear GOD! Look at this response! I'm a bit scared, but oh well. Actually, we should start emailing each other. Or Instant messaging if you have AIM.
Hp-lover-1-lol-: Nah, not really. It seems like everyone – including me – is so excited when they hear a minor's getting hit that they automatically want to call it child abuse because of all the media. I really need to stop doing that. It's so addictive though, isn't it? No, my other story, The Price of Love… now that's child abuse.
Someone: Thank you. I'm glad it's realistic. And I've decided to go with Carmon. I can't see Harry ever calling her Carmon… I couldn't see Harry calling Malfoy Draco, but that just proves that anything can happen in fanfiction, huh? Oh, I know tons of people who get hit. Especially in my school. People's parents don't really have a lot of money, and poor and abusive usually go hand in hand, but most of the kids I know who get hit aren't really resentful. Thanks for your review.
StarlessNight18: Thanks. The end of the chapter was my favorite part. I liked your review. Thanks again.
Kiki: Sorry I made you cry. I hope you didn't cry during this one, but I know I did while writing it.
Savoy Truffle: Hey, thanks for taking the time to review. I've only printed out one fanfiction, and it was an accident. I was mortified because my teacher was standing right there. He was like, 'what are you printing, a book?', and I got really scared because I thought he had picked it up. Thank you. I'm really glad you liked it. Oh, and update The Perfect Family, please. I like that one.
Alastormadeyemoody51: Thanks a lot. I will.
Yellowpages: Thanks a lot. I'm glad you like it so much. You're one of the few that thinks that, so it's a relief. Oh well. Thanks for your review.
ILOVETOWRITE456: Thanks for your review. Wow, the whole story? I'm glad you liked it, and I'm sorry it made you cry.
Notes: So thanks to everyone who reviewed as always. Next chapter will explore how Sirius reacts to Harry's attempt to commit suicide, and we finally find out why Sirius actually likes the bitch known as Murphy. Not many chapters left to go!