"He said that?" Maleta asked, frowning as they walked the tree lined path towards their house. "He called your movie stupid and all that?"
Kimi nodded, biting her lip. The way her brother behaved that day--and the days following--were still painful to her, even though it had been eleven years ago or so.
"Yes, he did. I never expected such words to come from him. I couldn't believe that he could just--just blow off his best friend's idea. That wasn't the Chuckie I knew. He changed a great deal in a year, and apparently, we hadn't caught up with him yet...or at least, not in his mind."
She clenched her hands into fists, trying to force the anger back. Maleta shouldn't see her this angry at someone they were related to. It was too hard to keep giving her daughter all these details. Anyway, many of them a ten year old shouldn't hear.
Biting her lip, Kimi finished the story a bit lamely. "Chuckie ended up refusing to play a part in what he called a 'stupid fairy tale', and we had to find someone to take his part. Luckily, we had a decent crew, and that wasn't too hard. Tommy entered the film in a contest and it won first. We were so proud of the work we'd done. And we were so sure that your father would be famous someday--like a new Tim Burton sort of famous. He'd be a cult classic."
Grinning to herself, Kimi remembered telling Tommy as much. And then she remembered the situation they were in when she'd told him that, and she stopped smiling so well. There was another memory she couldn't tell Maleta about, especially not now.
Maleta didn't seem to notice that her mother was spacing, or that the story she'd told had a less-than-satisfactory ending. Her face showed her fascination, and as a question grew in her mind, she became more timid. "Um...Mum?"
"Yes, Maleta?"
"Will--will you tell me about when Dad died?" Maleta looked down at the ground she was treading. The question was awful, and it sat in front of them now like a hungry beast. If they didn't feed it, it might devour them forever...but feeding it might be so much work that being eaten might just be easier.
Kimi sucked in her breath. She knew they would have to get to that story for this project, but it wasn't due for several weeks. Why did Maleta have to ask her now? They'd just had a lovely meal and her daughter was going to spoil it.
No. She wasn't going to spoil it. Maleta didn't spoil things. I'm the one ruining this, Kimi thought. My anger is getting in the way of helping Mally. She deserves to know the truth--I did, and I didn't get the truth when I needed it. If she needs to know, I will tell her.
Clearing her throat, she tried to begin. "Yes, I will. Do you want to know now?" It would be best to make sure that Maleta wanted to know at the moment--if she was just trying to get a promise for the future, then Kimi would be very happy to oblige.
Maleta paused a moment, thinking it all over. Finally, she spoke in a hesitant whisper. "Yes."
Sighing, Kimi tried to smile. Better a willing ten year old than an angry eighteen year old. That was all she had to remember, and she'd be all right. "We'll talk about it when we're home," she said, pointing to their house, which was still a bit distant. "I need time to figure out how I'm going to tell it to you--I'm not as good a storyteller as your uncle Dil."
As they neared the house, Kimi tried to decide what to mention and what to keep private. Maleta would need more background information than she yet had, and to really understand, she would have had to hear about Kimi's anger at her mother, Tommy's anger at his brother...All these feelings rushed back to her, hurting as terribly as they had six years ago.
Maleta herself was thinking about various things. She should have some memory of this stuff--she was four then, right? Maleta tried to think back to her earliest memories. Her mother taking her to primary school for the first time, dressed in black. Her mother, unable to get out of bed. Going to school with Ellie Garver and Mrs. Garver, because her own mother was asleep. A man with greying hair, that once must have been vividly red, and someone like Mum, but older.
She frowned. Who were they? Trying to picture the two people in her mind, Maleta thought. They were both getting old, but not that old. Maybe around the age of her friends' parents who had children in college already. About Mrs. Pierson's age, maybe. And the woman looked like Mum, but her hair seemed blacker. I'll find their pictures, Maleta vowed. I don't need to trouble Mum about them.
As Kimi unlocked their front door, she began to speak. "Well, Mally, let's get some hot chocolate, and we'll go sit in the living room and talk."
Maleta nodded, going for their supplies of hot cocoa. Mum made the stuff differently from her friends' parents. Mum said it was the American influences--she didn't like hot chocolate that wasn't very sweet. Maleta was inclined to agree with Kimi.
They made the chocolate silently and went out into the living room armed with coasters. Kimi sat down on the couch, and Maleta went to cuddle up next to her, head against her mother's shoulder. Kimi wrapped an arm around her, smiling.
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. It needed to be said, in any case. Needed to be said more than anything else she'd ever held inside of her. "You'll--you'll need some background information for this all to make sense. This happened when you were four. I hadn't gotten to see much of you for most of your life up until then, and neither had your father."
Maleta frowned. "Why not?"
"Well," Kimi murmured, trying to find the right words. "Well, I was eighteen when you were born. So was your father. That's young to have a child, and our parents were...not pleased, to say the least. They insisted that we both go to school--that they would take care of you. I was secretly overjoyed, because I desperately wanted to go to college."
Nodding, Maleta listened. For a couple of moments, she'd wondered if her mother had given her away or something, and knowing that she hadn't made things easier.
"We both went to college, then--to the real college, too. I was expecting to go to a community college for two years, but my parents insisted that I get a good education, and I was glad. They were selfless in taking care of you. I didn't get on well with them, but they loved you. And Tommy's parents did, too, of course. It wasn't until after we'd graduated that we were married, and we moved into our own place."
"What did you go to college to be?" Maleta asked, playing with the end of her braid.
"I graduated with a degree in business. Your father, always a bit impractical, got something like film-making. It was what he wanted to do, and he never expected that he wouldn't manage it. I thought it was horribly romantic." Kimi giggled, thinking about it, and about the other things they'd planned.
"What're you laughing about?" Maleta wanted to know.
"We planned out movie after movie, and we planned to put you in all of them. You'd be our actress daughter." Kimi grinned. "And you'd grow up to be famous, too. It all sounded lovely."
"Was I in any movies?" Strange that she couldn't remember any of this! Maleta was a bit disappointed.
"You were in one," her mother answered, smiling. "And you would've been in his last one, but we were going to shoot the part with you in it a few days after the day your father had his accident."
Saying those words hurt. He had an accident--no, he didn't, he died. Euphemisms only made everything more painful. 'We're so sorry about your loss,' people had said to her. 'We're sorry to hear of Tom's passing.' Kimi had wanted to scream at them. No, he hadn't passed anywhere. He hadn't been lost, because she wasn't going to find him again. He had died. With a capital D. And a capital I E D, to make it clear.
...
"It's fine, Kimi," he told her, holding his personal video camera. Running a hand through his violet hair, Tommy looked around their hotel room. "You and Mal stay here. I'm just going to go out and film these waves. They're gorgeous, Kimi, love. I want to remember them."
Kimi sighed as she listened to him. Her arms were folded over her chest. She looked vaguely similar to the way she did in the present time. Her hair was short and spiky, though, evidence of the time the summer had been too hot for her tastes. The hair had grown back about an inch from when she'd shaved it off, and she today had decided to spike it like she was Satan's choirgirl. Her clothing was similar to what it had always been: a white tank top speckled with blue dots over a black t-shirt. She also wore a pleated black skirt and a pair of army boots, and a pair of sunglasses, up on the top of her head.
She and Tommy both dressed oddly in those years--he was wearing something akin to his old bohemian getup, though this outfit matched more. Maleta was dressed vaguely like a fairy princess, in a floaty little lavender dress.
"Fine, Tommy," she said, rolling her eyes. "Come back soon, though, okay? It's not safe out there." A clap of thunder in the distance punctuated her sentence, as though it proved that he shouldn't be going out.
"That's why I want to go," he said, grinning. Tommy bent to pick up his daughter, who squealed with delight. "See you in a little bit, princess," he told her, rubbing his nose against hers. "Keep Mommy from worrying to death, okay, Maleta?"
Maleta, who had no clue what she was promising, nodded with a grin and kissed him on the cheek. Tommy kissed her back and set her down, turning to look at his wife. "You shouldn't worry so much, Kimi," he said, giving her a kiss. "I'll be right back, okay?"
"Okay," she replied, smiling. "Right back, though. Just get your shots of the ocean and come back inside--it's not very nice out."
...
"He didn't come back, did he?" Maleta asked quietly, huddling next to her mother. Her words were less of a question and more of a statement, really. She just wanted it confirmed.
"No. He didn't." Those words were very final to Kimi, and she shuddered. "From what I learned, he decided to take a boat out--I don't know why," she muttered, finally letting the tears she'd been holding back fall. One landed on the top of Maleta's head. "He was stupid, sometimes, Mally. He thought he was invinceable. He thought he could do anything...and he couldn't."
She sniffled, holding tightly to her daughter. Maleta's eyes were getting wet, too. She wrapped an arm around her mother's waist, letting herself cry, even though she didn't particularly like doing so.
They sat there for quite a while, crying for what they'd lost in a moment.
Extra long chapter today! We finally hear the truth of his disappearance! Exciting. This chapter was inspired by and written to the sounds of Dido's "White Flag". I discovered the song last night, and gahh...it's gorgeous. I'll leave you with the lyrics, and a little poke to review, review, review. Your reviews keep me going!
Much love!
know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Kimi nodded, biting her lip. The way her brother behaved that day--and the days following--were still painful to her, even though it had been eleven years ago or so.
"Yes, he did. I never expected such words to come from him. I couldn't believe that he could just--just blow off his best friend's idea. That wasn't the Chuckie I knew. He changed a great deal in a year, and apparently, we hadn't caught up with him yet...or at least, not in his mind."
She clenched her hands into fists, trying to force the anger back. Maleta shouldn't see her this angry at someone they were related to. It was too hard to keep giving her daughter all these details. Anyway, many of them a ten year old shouldn't hear.
Biting her lip, Kimi finished the story a bit lamely. "Chuckie ended up refusing to play a part in what he called a 'stupid fairy tale', and we had to find someone to take his part. Luckily, we had a decent crew, and that wasn't too hard. Tommy entered the film in a contest and it won first. We were so proud of the work we'd done. And we were so sure that your father would be famous someday--like a new Tim Burton sort of famous. He'd be a cult classic."
Grinning to herself, Kimi remembered telling Tommy as much. And then she remembered the situation they were in when she'd told him that, and she stopped smiling so well. There was another memory she couldn't tell Maleta about, especially not now.
Maleta didn't seem to notice that her mother was spacing, or that the story she'd told had a less-than-satisfactory ending. Her face showed her fascination, and as a question grew in her mind, she became more timid. "Um...Mum?"
"Yes, Maleta?"
"Will--will you tell me about when Dad died?" Maleta looked down at the ground she was treading. The question was awful, and it sat in front of them now like a hungry beast. If they didn't feed it, it might devour them forever...but feeding it might be so much work that being eaten might just be easier.
Kimi sucked in her breath. She knew they would have to get to that story for this project, but it wasn't due for several weeks. Why did Maleta have to ask her now? They'd just had a lovely meal and her daughter was going to spoil it.
No. She wasn't going to spoil it. Maleta didn't spoil things. I'm the one ruining this, Kimi thought. My anger is getting in the way of helping Mally. She deserves to know the truth--I did, and I didn't get the truth when I needed it. If she needs to know, I will tell her.
Clearing her throat, she tried to begin. "Yes, I will. Do you want to know now?" It would be best to make sure that Maleta wanted to know at the moment--if she was just trying to get a promise for the future, then Kimi would be very happy to oblige.
Maleta paused a moment, thinking it all over. Finally, she spoke in a hesitant whisper. "Yes."
Sighing, Kimi tried to smile. Better a willing ten year old than an angry eighteen year old. That was all she had to remember, and she'd be all right. "We'll talk about it when we're home," she said, pointing to their house, which was still a bit distant. "I need time to figure out how I'm going to tell it to you--I'm not as good a storyteller as your uncle Dil."
As they neared the house, Kimi tried to decide what to mention and what to keep private. Maleta would need more background information than she yet had, and to really understand, she would have had to hear about Kimi's anger at her mother, Tommy's anger at his brother...All these feelings rushed back to her, hurting as terribly as they had six years ago.
Maleta herself was thinking about various things. She should have some memory of this stuff--she was four then, right? Maleta tried to think back to her earliest memories. Her mother taking her to primary school for the first time, dressed in black. Her mother, unable to get out of bed. Going to school with Ellie Garver and Mrs. Garver, because her own mother was asleep. A man with greying hair, that once must have been vividly red, and someone like Mum, but older.
She frowned. Who were they? Trying to picture the two people in her mind, Maleta thought. They were both getting old, but not that old. Maybe around the age of her friends' parents who had children in college already. About Mrs. Pierson's age, maybe. And the woman looked like Mum, but her hair seemed blacker. I'll find their pictures, Maleta vowed. I don't need to trouble Mum about them.
As Kimi unlocked their front door, she began to speak. "Well, Mally, let's get some hot chocolate, and we'll go sit in the living room and talk."
Maleta nodded, going for their supplies of hot cocoa. Mum made the stuff differently from her friends' parents. Mum said it was the American influences--she didn't like hot chocolate that wasn't very sweet. Maleta was inclined to agree with Kimi.
They made the chocolate silently and went out into the living room armed with coasters. Kimi sat down on the couch, and Maleta went to cuddle up next to her, head against her mother's shoulder. Kimi wrapped an arm around her, smiling.
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. It needed to be said, in any case. Needed to be said more than anything else she'd ever held inside of her. "You'll--you'll need some background information for this all to make sense. This happened when you were four. I hadn't gotten to see much of you for most of your life up until then, and neither had your father."
Maleta frowned. "Why not?"
"Well," Kimi murmured, trying to find the right words. "Well, I was eighteen when you were born. So was your father. That's young to have a child, and our parents were...not pleased, to say the least. They insisted that we both go to school--that they would take care of you. I was secretly overjoyed, because I desperately wanted to go to college."
Nodding, Maleta listened. For a couple of moments, she'd wondered if her mother had given her away or something, and knowing that she hadn't made things easier.
"We both went to college, then--to the real college, too. I was expecting to go to a community college for two years, but my parents insisted that I get a good education, and I was glad. They were selfless in taking care of you. I didn't get on well with them, but they loved you. And Tommy's parents did, too, of course. It wasn't until after we'd graduated that we were married, and we moved into our own place."
"What did you go to college to be?" Maleta asked, playing with the end of her braid.
"I graduated with a degree in business. Your father, always a bit impractical, got something like film-making. It was what he wanted to do, and he never expected that he wouldn't manage it. I thought it was horribly romantic." Kimi giggled, thinking about it, and about the other things they'd planned.
"What're you laughing about?" Maleta wanted to know.
"We planned out movie after movie, and we planned to put you in all of them. You'd be our actress daughter." Kimi grinned. "And you'd grow up to be famous, too. It all sounded lovely."
"Was I in any movies?" Strange that she couldn't remember any of this! Maleta was a bit disappointed.
"You were in one," her mother answered, smiling. "And you would've been in his last one, but we were going to shoot the part with you in it a few days after the day your father had his accident."
Saying those words hurt. He had an accident--no, he didn't, he died. Euphemisms only made everything more painful. 'We're so sorry about your loss,' people had said to her. 'We're sorry to hear of Tom's passing.' Kimi had wanted to scream at them. No, he hadn't passed anywhere. He hadn't been lost, because she wasn't going to find him again. He had died. With a capital D. And a capital I E D, to make it clear.
...
"It's fine, Kimi," he told her, holding his personal video camera. Running a hand through his violet hair, Tommy looked around their hotel room. "You and Mal stay here. I'm just going to go out and film these waves. They're gorgeous, Kimi, love. I want to remember them."
Kimi sighed as she listened to him. Her arms were folded over her chest. She looked vaguely similar to the way she did in the present time. Her hair was short and spiky, though, evidence of the time the summer had been too hot for her tastes. The hair had grown back about an inch from when she'd shaved it off, and she today had decided to spike it like she was Satan's choirgirl. Her clothing was similar to what it had always been: a white tank top speckled with blue dots over a black t-shirt. She also wore a pleated black skirt and a pair of army boots, and a pair of sunglasses, up on the top of her head.
She and Tommy both dressed oddly in those years--he was wearing something akin to his old bohemian getup, though this outfit matched more. Maleta was dressed vaguely like a fairy princess, in a floaty little lavender dress.
"Fine, Tommy," she said, rolling her eyes. "Come back soon, though, okay? It's not safe out there." A clap of thunder in the distance punctuated her sentence, as though it proved that he shouldn't be going out.
"That's why I want to go," he said, grinning. Tommy bent to pick up his daughter, who squealed with delight. "See you in a little bit, princess," he told her, rubbing his nose against hers. "Keep Mommy from worrying to death, okay, Maleta?"
Maleta, who had no clue what she was promising, nodded with a grin and kissed him on the cheek. Tommy kissed her back and set her down, turning to look at his wife. "You shouldn't worry so much, Kimi," he said, giving her a kiss. "I'll be right back, okay?"
"Okay," she replied, smiling. "Right back, though. Just get your shots of the ocean and come back inside--it's not very nice out."
...
"He didn't come back, did he?" Maleta asked quietly, huddling next to her mother. Her words were less of a question and more of a statement, really. She just wanted it confirmed.
"No. He didn't." Those words were very final to Kimi, and she shuddered. "From what I learned, he decided to take a boat out--I don't know why," she muttered, finally letting the tears she'd been holding back fall. One landed on the top of Maleta's head. "He was stupid, sometimes, Mally. He thought he was invinceable. He thought he could do anything...and he couldn't."
She sniffled, holding tightly to her daughter. Maleta's eyes were getting wet, too. She wrapped an arm around her mother's waist, letting herself cry, even though she didn't particularly like doing so.
They sat there for quite a while, crying for what they'd lost in a moment.
Extra long chapter today! We finally hear the truth of his disappearance! Exciting. This chapter was inspired by and written to the sounds of Dido's "White Flag". I discovered the song last night, and gahh...it's gorgeous. I'll leave you with the lyrics, and a little poke to review, review, review. Your reviews keep me going!
Much love!
know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be