Chapter Nine- Fear
If I shed a tear I won't cage it. I won't fear love. And if I feel a rage I won't deny it, I won't fear love. Sarah McLachlan
Ezra stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her. He was on his way back to his room but for some reason, as he passed their spot on the lake, he turned for a second and that's when he saw her just standing there, perfectly still, looking out at the water. It wasn't unusual or anything, but something about the way she stood there, maybe it was her exact stance, whatever it was, her position told Ezra that he should go over there, check to see if she was ok. So he did and when he got there she pretty much collapsed into his arms crying hysterically. He waited patiently as she just cried, for some sort of explanation. It wasn't until she finally gained some sort of composure that she actually spoke, not really a decipherable sentence but close and after a few choked words he finally did realize what all the fuss was about. He'd almost forgotten, it was the anniversary of her mother's death. Why she had kept it a secret from him for so long he didn't know, but after their conversations the other day about fear and love, he realized why it had been so hard for her to tell him, and he understood. It had just dawned on him that they had plans for that evening and he wondered if she was going to tell him then or just completely ignore the topic, or better yet, maybe she was planning on stiffing him for they're date. Either way it didn't really matter, Daisy was in rough shape.
He practically carried her back to her room where they just sat, on the steps to the dorm, in silence. She was still crying, but not as heavily, as he searched for something to say. He wanted to say something important, comfort her in some way but he couldn't even fathom what he would have wanted someone to say to him had he been in that exact same position, so he didn't say anything at all. He just sat there.
Daisy wanted to scream out at the world but she couldn't even find the words in her. And she didn't want to scare Ezra, in fact she wanted to apologize to him, she just couldn't figure out how to do that either. She didn't want Ezra to have to deal with her when she was like this but of course there he was being absolutely perfect. He didn't say a word, he didn't have to, his actions were enough. He just held her and that made it all better. Well as better as it could be in her current condition. She hated giving in to her emotions, hated letting her mothers memory destroy the control she had over her body, her mind, her soul, but she had no other choice.
When Daisy finally calmed, Ezra looked down at her and smiled and she smiled back for the first time all day.
"I'm here if you need me, yanno?" he said softly. Daisy nodded.
"Thank you," she whispered, so low that if he hadn't been watching her mouth he would have missed it.
"You don't have to thank me Daze, really."
Daisy smiled.
"But I do," she said sweetly. "I thank you for everything." Ezra turned away. Every time she said something like that he just melted. It was pathetic. He didn't need to be pathetic, at least not right now in front of her, especially since he knew she was feeling pretty pathetic herself.
"You wanna talk?" he asked finally looking at her. Daisy shook her head. She wanted to talk but she didn't know what to say.
"Later," She replied still whispering. Ezra smiled at her again and a wave of emotion swept over her. Tears suddenly sprung to her eyes as she made an attempt to smile again but instead started crying. "Hold me?" she asked helplessly. He quickly obliged, wrapping his arms around her, it was the only thing he knew how to do.
Some people are afraid Of what they might find If they try to analyze themselves too much, But you have to crawl into your wounds To discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, The cleansing can begin. Tori Amos
As if walking up the stairs around Ezra and Daisy embracing hadn't been enough to make her wonder what exactly had happened while she was in the hospital, she opened her door to find Auggie asleep on her bed. Things were just getting weirder and weirder for Juliette as she dragged her bag through the doors of the dorm and into her room, towards her bed. She must have been making too much noise as she passed Shelby's bed, she watched to her surprise as Auggie shot up in the bed, a bit surprised that he wasn't the only one in the room anymore.
"Hi!" Juliette said smiling down at him as she sat at the end of the bed.
"I didn't..." Auggie looked over at the clock. "Wow... I must have fallen asleep... you're kinda late."
"Yeah, things at the hospital took a little longer then Peter thought. What are you doing in here?" Juliette asked confused
"Waiting for you," Auggie replied sweetly.
"How did you get in here? Aren't you afraid you're going to get caught? I mean what if Peter came in with me," Juliette spit out in a rush of breath.
"Jules chill," Auggie said smiling at her. "Everything's cool. I have Sophie's permission."
"Oh..." Juliette replied again turning away.
"Yanno Jules, from the way you're taking it almost makes me thing you don't want me here," Auggie stated in mock disappointment. Juliette didn't respond she just turned away. It wasn't that she didn't want him there, she did, more then anything, the thing was she didn't know how to deal with him at that moment. "Jules..." Auggie began again, this time confused. "DO you want me to leave?" he asked this time genuinely hurt. Juliette turned towards him.
"No," she said shaking her head and lying through her teeth. "I'm just tired, that's all."
"You wanna lie down?" he asked moving over on the bed. Juliette nodded.
"Yeah. Yeah, let's just lie down," she said quietly as she moved to sit down next to him and let her tired body fall limp as he wrapped his arms around her, leading her to lie down next to him. Juliette immediately closed her eyes as if falling into a deep sleep. But sleep was the farthest things on her mind. Instead, she listened to Auggie as he voiced his concern to her supposedly sleeping form.
"God Juliette... please be okay," Auggie paused taking a deep breath. "You've got to be alright. I need you. I didn't realize how much until I tried living without you and it didn't work. I just couldn't do it. It hurt. It hurt way more then it should, then I ever thought it could... I can't lose you Jules. Please don't hide things from me anymore, please... I love you way too much..."
Juliette felt tears spring to her eyes. She held her breath to stop herself from crying. She was supposed to be sleeping after all. Auggie had really hit home with that one, and she really regretted being so mean to him just a few minutes ago. She decided from that moment on that she was going to tell Auggie the truth. Tell him everything that was wrong and everything that had happened. She just needed to go to group first and then... well then she needed to go talk to Shelby for some guidance.
But I fear, I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose here In this lonely place, Tangled up in our embrace, There's nothing I'd like better then to fall... But I fear, I have nothing to give. Sarah McLachlan
Scott looked over at Shelby and smiled.
"What?" she asked as she felt her face flush.
"Ya know what I was just thinking?" he asked turning towards her with an even bigger grin spread across his face.
"No idea," Shelby replied, shaking her head.
"We're gonna be walking down the isle tomorrow."
Shelby's eyes lit up.
"We are, aren't we?" she asked, the thought finally sinking in. Scott nodded. "I wonder how it's going to feel, like I..." Shelby stopped mid- sentence, her face brightening with embarrassment.
"What?" Scott asked turned to her confused.
"It's just that... yanno I've dreamt of this before... you, me, walking down the isle."
"You have?"
Shelby turned away, even more embarrassed.
"Yeah."
"Yanno..." Scott said wrapping his arms around her. "I have too."
Shelby looked back at him in shock.
"You have?"
"Yeah," Scott replied a bit embarrassed. "Does that surprise you?"
Shelby smiled.
"Well kinda... I mean... well usually it's the girl that's always having all those kinds of dreams and that stuff. Yanno what, never mind. I'll shut up."
"No, don't stop. What were you going to say?"
"It's nothing, really."
"Come on Shel."
"No, Scott, it's embarrassing," Shelby said turning away as she felt her face flush.
"It's just me Shel," Scott said sweetly. Shelby turned back towards him.
"It's just... I've never thought about, cared about anyone like I do you. And I knew... I mean I know you feel the same way; it's just... well sometimes... sometimes it's nice to be told. I like not having to be the only one, yanno?"
Scott nodded.
"Yeah, I know..." he grabbed her hand and held it in his. "When I look at you Shelby, I see a future, and not just that stuff we were talking about the other day on the mountain but real stuff. Like asking you to marry me, or what it will be like on OUR wedding day. The thing is, you're not just my girlfriend, you're my best friend. I've never been in a relationship like this before. I didn't know it was possible to love someone like I love you... we've been here for three years now yanno. Other then you and Juliette, I've never been in any kind of relationship that involved caring and friendship. I... I've only had sex with one woman before and that was..." Scott's voice trailed off. The topic of Elaine was always so hard for him to talk about.
"It's ok Scott. You don't need to go any further," Shelby said clenching his hand a little tighter.
"No, I wanna get this out. It's got to end here," Scott stopped and took a deep breath, then turned to face Shelby. "When I was home last week she was there Shel..." Scott felt his entire body begin to tense up. "That skank..." he paused. "I took the power away Shel. I finally made it so that she lost her hold on me... she was so evil Shel. So vindictive. She said all of these things about you, about me, about Horizon and yanno what I did. I just walked away. She was in complete shock because I just walked away. Then she started screaming things and... I didn't let it bother me. I just left."
Shelby brought her hand up to Scott's face, caressing it lightly.
"You did good Scott. It's over now."
"It felt so good Shel... it felt SO good to just ignore her. But it also made me think. She stole something from me Shelby. Something I can never get back. She took my love and twisted it, managing to steal my virginity in the process."
"She forced herself on your Scott. She may have taken your virginity, but she didn't get your innocence. Peter once told me that. He said sex is one thing, but making love... that's for someone special. And when the time is right and you do make love to that one special person, that's when you will lose your virginity."
"Peter said that?"
"Yeah, kinda weird huh?"
"Very weird."
"We've both been robbed but I think somehow we can take that back. I mean... do you ever think about us together?"
Scott looked down at Shelby oddly.
"You mean having sex?" he asked.
"No, I mean making love."
Scott smiled.
"Sometimes..." he replied shyly. Shelby made a face. "Ok, ALL the time."
Shelby smiled.
"I think about it. I think about that night when you first came here and you broke up with Juliette, when I tried to seduce you..."
Scott smirked at the though.
"It wasn't right then Scott but now... I think now's right."
"You do?"
"Yeah, I mean, don't you?"
"Well yeah but..."
"But what?"
"I'm a guy Shel. We think about that kinda stuff all of the time."
"Well... I mean if we're both ready..."
"You mean you wanna like plan something?"
"Not so much plan... I mean we all know what happens when you plan but..."
"Tomorrow night."
"What?"
"Tomorrow night, after the wedding, you and me, we'll meet in the boat house. I'll take care of everything."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive. Are you sure?"
"Of course."
"Then it's settled."
If I shed a tear I won't cage it. I won't fear love. And if I feel a rage I won't deny it, I won't fear love. Sarah McLachlan
Ezra stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her. He was on his way back to his room but for some reason, as he passed their spot on the lake, he turned for a second and that's when he saw her just standing there, perfectly still, looking out at the water. It wasn't unusual or anything, but something about the way she stood there, maybe it was her exact stance, whatever it was, her position told Ezra that he should go over there, check to see if she was ok. So he did and when he got there she pretty much collapsed into his arms crying hysterically. He waited patiently as she just cried, for some sort of explanation. It wasn't until she finally gained some sort of composure that she actually spoke, not really a decipherable sentence but close and after a few choked words he finally did realize what all the fuss was about. He'd almost forgotten, it was the anniversary of her mother's death. Why she had kept it a secret from him for so long he didn't know, but after their conversations the other day about fear and love, he realized why it had been so hard for her to tell him, and he understood. It had just dawned on him that they had plans for that evening and he wondered if she was going to tell him then or just completely ignore the topic, or better yet, maybe she was planning on stiffing him for they're date. Either way it didn't really matter, Daisy was in rough shape.
He practically carried her back to her room where they just sat, on the steps to the dorm, in silence. She was still crying, but not as heavily, as he searched for something to say. He wanted to say something important, comfort her in some way but he couldn't even fathom what he would have wanted someone to say to him had he been in that exact same position, so he didn't say anything at all. He just sat there.
Daisy wanted to scream out at the world but she couldn't even find the words in her. And she didn't want to scare Ezra, in fact she wanted to apologize to him, she just couldn't figure out how to do that either. She didn't want Ezra to have to deal with her when she was like this but of course there he was being absolutely perfect. He didn't say a word, he didn't have to, his actions were enough. He just held her and that made it all better. Well as better as it could be in her current condition. She hated giving in to her emotions, hated letting her mothers memory destroy the control she had over her body, her mind, her soul, but she had no other choice.
When Daisy finally calmed, Ezra looked down at her and smiled and she smiled back for the first time all day.
"I'm here if you need me, yanno?" he said softly. Daisy nodded.
"Thank you," she whispered, so low that if he hadn't been watching her mouth he would have missed it.
"You don't have to thank me Daze, really."
Daisy smiled.
"But I do," she said sweetly. "I thank you for everything." Ezra turned away. Every time she said something like that he just melted. It was pathetic. He didn't need to be pathetic, at least not right now in front of her, especially since he knew she was feeling pretty pathetic herself.
"You wanna talk?" he asked finally looking at her. Daisy shook her head. She wanted to talk but she didn't know what to say.
"Later," She replied still whispering. Ezra smiled at her again and a wave of emotion swept over her. Tears suddenly sprung to her eyes as she made an attempt to smile again but instead started crying. "Hold me?" she asked helplessly. He quickly obliged, wrapping his arms around her, it was the only thing he knew how to do.
Some people are afraid Of what they might find If they try to analyze themselves too much, But you have to crawl into your wounds To discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, The cleansing can begin. Tori Amos
As if walking up the stairs around Ezra and Daisy embracing hadn't been enough to make her wonder what exactly had happened while she was in the hospital, she opened her door to find Auggie asleep on her bed. Things were just getting weirder and weirder for Juliette as she dragged her bag through the doors of the dorm and into her room, towards her bed. She must have been making too much noise as she passed Shelby's bed, she watched to her surprise as Auggie shot up in the bed, a bit surprised that he wasn't the only one in the room anymore.
"Hi!" Juliette said smiling down at him as she sat at the end of the bed.
"I didn't..." Auggie looked over at the clock. "Wow... I must have fallen asleep... you're kinda late."
"Yeah, things at the hospital took a little longer then Peter thought. What are you doing in here?" Juliette asked confused
"Waiting for you," Auggie replied sweetly.
"How did you get in here? Aren't you afraid you're going to get caught? I mean what if Peter came in with me," Juliette spit out in a rush of breath.
"Jules chill," Auggie said smiling at her. "Everything's cool. I have Sophie's permission."
"Oh..." Juliette replied again turning away.
"Yanno Jules, from the way you're taking it almost makes me thing you don't want me here," Auggie stated in mock disappointment. Juliette didn't respond she just turned away. It wasn't that she didn't want him there, she did, more then anything, the thing was she didn't know how to deal with him at that moment. "Jules..." Auggie began again, this time confused. "DO you want me to leave?" he asked this time genuinely hurt. Juliette turned towards him.
"No," she said shaking her head and lying through her teeth. "I'm just tired, that's all."
"You wanna lie down?" he asked moving over on the bed. Juliette nodded.
"Yeah. Yeah, let's just lie down," she said quietly as she moved to sit down next to him and let her tired body fall limp as he wrapped his arms around her, leading her to lie down next to him. Juliette immediately closed her eyes as if falling into a deep sleep. But sleep was the farthest things on her mind. Instead, she listened to Auggie as he voiced his concern to her supposedly sleeping form.
"God Juliette... please be okay," Auggie paused taking a deep breath. "You've got to be alright. I need you. I didn't realize how much until I tried living without you and it didn't work. I just couldn't do it. It hurt. It hurt way more then it should, then I ever thought it could... I can't lose you Jules. Please don't hide things from me anymore, please... I love you way too much..."
Juliette felt tears spring to her eyes. She held her breath to stop herself from crying. She was supposed to be sleeping after all. Auggie had really hit home with that one, and she really regretted being so mean to him just a few minutes ago. She decided from that moment on that she was going to tell Auggie the truth. Tell him everything that was wrong and everything that had happened. She just needed to go to group first and then... well then she needed to go talk to Shelby for some guidance.
But I fear, I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose here In this lonely place, Tangled up in our embrace, There's nothing I'd like better then to fall... But I fear, I have nothing to give. Sarah McLachlan
Scott looked over at Shelby and smiled.
"What?" she asked as she felt her face flush.
"Ya know what I was just thinking?" he asked turning towards her with an even bigger grin spread across his face.
"No idea," Shelby replied, shaking her head.
"We're gonna be walking down the isle tomorrow."
Shelby's eyes lit up.
"We are, aren't we?" she asked, the thought finally sinking in. Scott nodded. "I wonder how it's going to feel, like I..." Shelby stopped mid- sentence, her face brightening with embarrassment.
"What?" Scott asked turned to her confused.
"It's just that... yanno I've dreamt of this before... you, me, walking down the isle."
"You have?"
Shelby turned away, even more embarrassed.
"Yeah."
"Yanno..." Scott said wrapping his arms around her. "I have too."
Shelby looked back at him in shock.
"You have?"
"Yeah," Scott replied a bit embarrassed. "Does that surprise you?"
Shelby smiled.
"Well kinda... I mean... well usually it's the girl that's always having all those kinds of dreams and that stuff. Yanno what, never mind. I'll shut up."
"No, don't stop. What were you going to say?"
"It's nothing, really."
"Come on Shel."
"No, Scott, it's embarrassing," Shelby said turning away as she felt her face flush.
"It's just me Shel," Scott said sweetly. Shelby turned back towards him.
"It's just... I've never thought about, cared about anyone like I do you. And I knew... I mean I know you feel the same way; it's just... well sometimes... sometimes it's nice to be told. I like not having to be the only one, yanno?"
Scott nodded.
"Yeah, I know..." he grabbed her hand and held it in his. "When I look at you Shelby, I see a future, and not just that stuff we were talking about the other day on the mountain but real stuff. Like asking you to marry me, or what it will be like on OUR wedding day. The thing is, you're not just my girlfriend, you're my best friend. I've never been in a relationship like this before. I didn't know it was possible to love someone like I love you... we've been here for three years now yanno. Other then you and Juliette, I've never been in any kind of relationship that involved caring and friendship. I... I've only had sex with one woman before and that was..." Scott's voice trailed off. The topic of Elaine was always so hard for him to talk about.
"It's ok Scott. You don't need to go any further," Shelby said clenching his hand a little tighter.
"No, I wanna get this out. It's got to end here," Scott stopped and took a deep breath, then turned to face Shelby. "When I was home last week she was there Shel..." Scott felt his entire body begin to tense up. "That skank..." he paused. "I took the power away Shel. I finally made it so that she lost her hold on me... she was so evil Shel. So vindictive. She said all of these things about you, about me, about Horizon and yanno what I did. I just walked away. She was in complete shock because I just walked away. Then she started screaming things and... I didn't let it bother me. I just left."
Shelby brought her hand up to Scott's face, caressing it lightly.
"You did good Scott. It's over now."
"It felt so good Shel... it felt SO good to just ignore her. But it also made me think. She stole something from me Shelby. Something I can never get back. She took my love and twisted it, managing to steal my virginity in the process."
"She forced herself on your Scott. She may have taken your virginity, but she didn't get your innocence. Peter once told me that. He said sex is one thing, but making love... that's for someone special. And when the time is right and you do make love to that one special person, that's when you will lose your virginity."
"Peter said that?"
"Yeah, kinda weird huh?"
"Very weird."
"We've both been robbed but I think somehow we can take that back. I mean... do you ever think about us together?"
Scott looked down at Shelby oddly.
"You mean having sex?" he asked.
"No, I mean making love."
Scott smiled.
"Sometimes..." he replied shyly. Shelby made a face. "Ok, ALL the time."
Shelby smiled.
"I think about it. I think about that night when you first came here and you broke up with Juliette, when I tried to seduce you..."
Scott smirked at the though.
"It wasn't right then Scott but now... I think now's right."
"You do?"
"Yeah, I mean, don't you?"
"Well yeah but..."
"But what?"
"I'm a guy Shel. We think about that kinda stuff all of the time."
"Well... I mean if we're both ready..."
"You mean you wanna like plan something?"
"Not so much plan... I mean we all know what happens when you plan but..."
"Tomorrow night."
"What?"
"Tomorrow night, after the wedding, you and me, we'll meet in the boat house. I'll take care of everything."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive. Are you sure?"
"Of course."
"Then it's settled."