AN: I do not own Hellsing nor any of the characters therein. Some of my ideas imply heavy OOC. What happens when Seras Victoria gets bored? She doesn't know what to do, so she goes around asking others what they do when they get bored…my attempt at humour in an otherwise very dark story. Enjoy.

*****

"OOOOOOOH!" squealed ex-police officer Seras Victoria.

"What is it?" asked Walter, who just happened to be passing the room the moment he heard her.

"There's a sale on at the Midnight Mall!"

Walter raised an eyebrow.

"You know, that new mall that just opened last week? It's only open at night…" as she gushed on and on, Walter became more and more confused.

It's like she's some kind of preppy valley girl…

But the whole "only open at night" sounded warning bells in his head.

*****

"And so, Sir, that's why I propose we send Alucard to see what's there." Walter said.

"Well, it's not that bad of an idea. Why don't we send Seras with him, I'm sure she would benefit from the experience." Sir Integra said.

"Of course, Sir."

*****

"Get ready, Police Girl, we're going to the…" Alucard grimaced. "Midnight Mall. New orders from Walter and Master."

"Yay! Master this is going to be so much fun!" Seras grinned maniacally.

Alucard winced. This was not going to be fun.

*****

"Master, look at me!" Seras was trying on a red dress that matched her new vampire eyes.

I'm not going to look at her. he thought, looking around at the other patrons. They all seemed normal…

"Look at me!" she whined again.

I'm not going to look at her. All the people had normal coloured eyes and were reflecting in mirrors. Plus -- no fangs.

"Look -- at -- ME!!!!"

I'm not --

He was about to give up when he noticed a small door leading out of the store. It had no distinguishing marks and he would have not noticed it had it not been for the small red light just above it.

Turning to Seras, he started. She did indeed look very nice.

"So, what do you think?" she asked proudly.

"You look very nice. Are you happy?"

"Yes, I'm very happy!"

"Get out of that dress. We've got work to do."

She pouted. "But --"

"NOW, Police Girl!"

Sighing, she went back to the change rooms.

*****

This is certainly a mysterious place, thought Alucard as he wandered through the long, dark corridors under the mall. Seras followed just at his heels. She was slightly afraid of this place, so she kept very close.

This is the real reason it's open only at night. Stores for vampires. The stores looked normal enough, just some clothing stores and designer shoe places, but the patrons were all vampires.

This can't be as innocent as it looks, thought Alucard again. But there wasn't much he could do, considering the fact that there were hundreds of humans just above them. There was no way in Hell that his Master would allow him to rampage and destroy all of this. They'd just have to keep a close eye on the place until further notice…

And speaking of notice…

Seras had wandered into a clothing store. Alucard followed at a bit of a distance. He wanted to observe, to see what would happen.

"Oh, dahlink, what ahh you thinking with thaht outfit?" one of the store workers gushed. "Thaht military look went out sehw long agehw. You pohr dear. Let me help you out." The lady grabbed her arm and dragged her across the store to a colour rack. Pulling out several blues and greens, she held them up at arm's length and squinted at the confused Seras.
"Uh, this look went out?" she asked, with confusion in her voice.

"Oh, dahlink, nearly fifty yeahrs ago. But we'll find you something nice, won't we?" she soothed, finally settling on a light blue.

"Now, dearie, tell me. Wahs this your old colour?"
"What?"

"Oh, you must be a new wohn. Old colour means eye colour."
"Oh, then, yes, it was."

"I cahn tell. It goes so well with thaht hair of youhrs…"

*****

Meanwhile, Alucard was trying very hard not to laugh at her predicament. This place seemed pretty clean and tidy.

Walking over to a rack of hats, he sorted through them.
"No, no, NOOOO!" there was a bloodcurdling scream from behind him. He whirled around and whipped out his Jackal. But there was just a very frightened-looking female shopkeeper vampire right behind him.

"Absolutely not! That outfit has simply got to go!" and before he could react, Alucard was yanked so hard that his hat went flying off.

"Hey!" he protested. But there was no stopping this one…

*****

"Master! You look hilarious!" Seras giggled. They were back at the Hellsing mansion.

"Well, Alucard, how did it g--" Sir Integra choked. Then she began to laugh so hard tears fell down her cheeks.

"It's not funny!" growled the vampire. This, of course, only made her laugh harder.

"I c-can't h-help it!" she stuttered out. "You l-look so f-funny!"

Which was, sadly, true. The lady had dressed him in an outfit clearly meant for someone going to a rock concert. He didn't know what happened to his hat or overcoat -- he couldn't find them anywhere.

"Well," he growled, "the mall itself is clean. Underground there's a mini-mall made for vampires. But just clothing and shoe stores. No other things, and just simple-looking vampires milling about. Right now it looks pretty harmless. But we should keep an eye on things. It is right underneath the human place."

"Right." Sir Integra managed, wiping away her tears of mirth. "Will do. But now, please excuse me. I think I'm going to collapse." she walked away, still snickering.

"You know, Master…"

"What?" he rounded on Seras, fury written in every part of his face. "This is all your fault, you know!!"

His fury had no effect on her. "You know, you're going to have to go back there if you ever want your clothes back…" she ran, howling with laughter.

"GET BACK HERE, POLICE GIRL!" he screamed, giving chase to his arrogant fledgling. "YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!!!"

*****

Next chapter: A visit to Iscariot!