Disclaimer: I don't own the power rangers, any characters from said show or The Letter. They belong to some big executive honcho in a suit but I couldn't tell you what honcho because I've lost track. I do not own the song below, either. The song is owned by Jimmy Wayne. This is also useless because, unless I've contacted the copyright owners and asked for their permission, I've got nothing. I'm still violating copyright. I am spitting on copyright and I willfully know it. And I don't apologize. Wow, look at the really long disclaimer. As Willow says, "I vague disclaimer is no one's friend".
A/N: This is my first song fic, surprisingly. The story isn't what it seems either. But there is a happy ending. Sorta.
I'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side
Back among the living
It was strange how the world worked. At least, from Tommy Oliver's perspective. From the moment he had received one now well worn and folded piece of white paper he had been trying to find that which he had lost. He hadn't even been aware that he was doing it most of the time.
It hadn't even become apparent till he no longer had the mask of responsibility to hide behind. When you were conducting you're life around being Tommy Oliver: Power Ranger it became very easy not to concern yourself with Tommy Oliver: Man. When that maze of battles and heroics, of needing to hold it together for the team, had faded it wasn't easy to hide anymore.
And what he was searching to find became more apparent.
He would be watching Katherine, his girlfriend, and he would wait for her reaction to something. A reaction that was memorized and held inside of his heart.
A sweeping smile that never appeared.
An endearing look that never came.
All pieces of Her.
He had tried to find Her when he touched Katherine. Somewhere underneath the pale, porcelain skin there could be sun bronzed, baby soft light brown. Between the twinkling of sapphire blue there was brown-green looking back at him. In unlighted, quiet rooms blond hair turned dark. A foreign light pink mouth became a gateway to another mouth more familiar to him.
He had known it was wrong, but he couldn't stop.
"You don't see me," Katherine had said, sadly. "Not really. You're too busy trying to see Her."
And Katherine had left without him trying to stop her.
Other girls, an endless line had followed. He would lose himself in them only as far as he could find Her. A gymnast from New Orleans. A girl with brown eyes and caramel hair. A songwriter with a sparkling smile.
They had all left him broken hearted or defeated. Realizing they could never quite measure up to something they couldn't even see. That they would never find a way into his heart. That they had never really been there with him at all.
The last one, looking at him with tears falling down her face and her broken heart in her eyes, had shot him in the gut. What he had been doing wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.
So he had begun trying to find Her in his dreams, waiting for Her arrival through the misty clouds of sleep. Summoning up images of Her firefly eyes and contagious smile. Them at the Youth Center. Them at the lake.
Sometimes, he had tried to find Her where she had once been. Around the corner of the outside of the Youth Center, Her smile greeting him as he walked through the door. Or near the lake where the sun used to glisten over the red highlights in Her hair. He'd find himself driving past Her old home, unsure and unsteady. Waiting for Her car to magically appear in the driveway.
Long past the time she first flew away from him, long after she wrote a letter that shattered his heart, he searched for her. Down every corner of his mind. Inside every dwelling of his heart. Through every athletic magazine that covered gymnastics. In each crowded airport.
He search for Her.
So when he was in Barnes and Nobles, searching for a book instead of her, he always saw it as the smallest bit of irony that it so happened that she found him.
"Tommy?" A tentative voice, filled with both anxiety and wonder, had called from behind him.
A chill had worked its way through him, that small word washing over him in a way it hadn't in years. He had turned around and his brown eyes had swept over the most beautiful sight he had ever seen.
"Kimberly," he had breathed slowly, an airy caress.
He wasn't sure how long he had spent staring at Her, watching the light reflecting in Her eyes. Small, nearly invisible flecks of deep green unveiling themselves from her pool's depths. Her hair was falling across her shoulders and her back, curled slightly. Longer than he had ever seen it. Mature, strong features formed her face.
She had seemed just as lost, gazing at him. Finally. "Hello," she had said softly, the smile that brightened Her face knocking him in the gut.
"Hey," he said, finding his voice. A small smile had worked its way onto his lips. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm paying a visit to Jason. Just for a few weeks. I'm guessing from the look on your face that he didn't exactly let you know. Figures." Kimberly shrugged, laughing softly. A sweet tinker bell sound.
"No, he didn't. I'm guessing he probably thought it would be best." Tommy shifted nervously, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.
"Yeah," Kimberly's smile slipped off Her face and was replaced by a pensive frown. "You know...I should probably go."
She had made to leave but Tommy had caught her arm, stopping Her. She had looked at him with question as she turned back. "Don't," he had said simply.
And he found Her smile again.
All my tears have been cried
Somehow they had stumbled, fallen, onto each other again. The days bleeding into one another, broken only by Her coming and Her going between where she lived and where he wanted Her to live.
Somehow months had flown by, till they were both knee deep in a relationship neither had expected. Until they spiraled out beyond him, beyond their control.
He saw Her immortalized in his mind as she packed Her things, for perhaps the fourth time, removing the pieces of their intermingled life piece by piece.
Baby, baby stay
Stay right where you re
I like it this way
Its good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
A month ago Kimberly had packed up Her clothing, and all of the items that made the house have Her aura. She had grabbed their fishbowl with a now humongous goldfish in it and Tommy had remembered thinking she had never taken that before. Then she had gotten into Her black SUV.
She hadn't looked back.
For perhaps the first time, Tommy hadn't tried to follow.
And that's how he had ended up where he was, back at that same old lake. If there was a place his entire life seemed to be wrapped around, it was that godforsaken stretch of water. It almost seemed in some ways that his life has both began and ended in the very spot he stood.
If you just stay gone
I still love you
And I will forever
We can't hide the truth
We know each other better
A lifetime of happy memories lay in his mind, dormant and yet alive and breathing. Ones that stretched back to the later days of his youth, when love was pure and there was no such thing as heartbreak. And ones that had been formed long after the first bloom had faded.
Pictures of the two of them, locked within his mind.
The two of them at that cafe down the street from the bookstore, nervous fingers clutching twin coffee cups as they fumbled over their words. Anxious eyes meeting each others, searching for the past. For the future.
Finally, a confession that had years in the making.
"I have to tell you something. God, this is really hard. But, I think Jason would say it was long past due. There had been no one else, Tommy. I lied. We were so far away from each other. And I...I just wanted you to be happy."
Running across the beaches of Angel Grove, the sand swishing under their feet. Her carefree laughter as he mock pounced Her way and she dodged, sticking Her tongue out. Him finally catch up to Her and picked Her up off Her feet. Her shrieks as they moved towards the water and he threw both in. The water war that had followed, the years falling off of their hearts and taking them back to innocents. The way Her wet hair had fallen, creating a frame. And how their bodies had suddenly found themselves inches away from each other before their lips had met. And he found Her touch again. That first sliding of Her lips across his own in years had shook him inside his core. This was magic, he remembered thinking.
His eyes wandering aimlessly in the airport foyer, his body poised with restless energy. Then Her lithe form immerging from the darkened terminal, those eyes sparkling as they met his. His body unconsciously moving towards Her in something close to a run. His arms closing around Her, holding Her tight to him.
The soft, cushioned feel of the bed. The way it dipped. Her eyes as she gazed up at him. The small curve of Her lips as they quirked with contentment. The long put off consummation of their feelings, delayed by being too youthful once and then by being too old to swallow pride. The laughter afterwards of true joy and mirth, shadows dimmed down to nearly nothing in aged eyes. Her head resting on his chest. His arms wrapped around Her. The feel of finding real sleep for the first time since before he knew what morphing was.
The small, crowded restaurant bustling with the sounds of patrons and the shuffling of dinner plates. Her small hand held in his as he stroked the side absently. Going to ask a question and knocking over a glass, water spilling across the table. His voice coming out in muttered curses as he worked to stop the flow with napkins. Kimberly teasing him, lightening his mood and easing his nerves. Finally, finding bravery somewhere within him.
"Kimberly, I...I had this whole thing prepared. But I'm not sure where the words went. I mean, I know you have this whole life in Florida. And its a big step. But, I think I need to ask this. So, here goes: Move in with me."
The unexpected joy of combining the trappings of their lives together. His room becoming their room. The living room taking on a light, homey feel with Her delicate touch. Seeing Her rumpled shirt on the floor of the bathroom. Having the smell of bacon and eggs wake him up on Sunday mornings. Making waffles and home fries for Her on Saturdays and watching her face light up with a smile as he brought Her breakfast in bed.
The simple thrill and the hammering of his heart every time he told Her he loved Her. The way his heart leapt and stilled at the same time each time she said she loved him. The knowledge of the truth of those words.
That bone deep, lasting feeling hadn't fade. Not a bit. It hadn't faded in the six years they had been apart. And it hadn't faded after their second, third, forth...endless amount of tries. It was there, inside. Just like she was. And that love for Her always would be.
Tommy imagined he would be eighty-five, hair gray and his features weathered, laying on his death bed with grandchildren surrounding him and he would still love Her. She was a part of him. Forever entwined. His true love.
But, for the first time perhaps, he realized they wouldn't be their grandchildren.
Just his.
He had read somewhere, a long time ago, that just because you loved some one it didn't mean you ended up with them. No matter how much you loved them, sometimes it just didn't work.
Sometimes it wasn't meant to, no matter how hard you tried to put all the pieces together.
We both end up hurt
And it ain't supposed to be that way
Flashes of fights, spats and unnecessary arguments were engrained in his mind. Times when the littlest thing had turned into a shouting match. Times when they had both tried to ignore a problem to the point where it had escalated beyond control. Times when they had used words to specifically hurt each other, drawing on old wounds and secrets shared.
"At least I'm not some has been clinging to his ranger days, just hoping for one more shot at glory! Just lapping it up when some new recruit looks at him with adoration!"
"Yeah, well, at least I was a half decent ranger! And not some mall rat reject too busy worrying about her nails to save humanity!"
It had slowly become clear that trust was a very fragile and fickle thing. Once it had been strong and impenetrable, to the point where even Rita and Zedd had not been able to come between that bond. That forging of trust and respect between them. Yet, years after that first transgression of trust, they found they could not so easily find their way back.
Could not find the people they used to be when they had made that bound.
When he had first learned there had been no other guy he had been ecstatic. And that had lasted for months. Long enough to build a new relationship, to work their way back to each other. She had never betrayed him. Never found him inadequate. Till the very end she had loved him.
But then, something else had settled in.
Anger.
Resentment.
At least before there had been a reason. A catalyst. She had followed Her heart and he could be happy for Her. But in truth, she hadn't believed in them. It had been too hard. Too painful. Too much work. And she had given up. He knew that wasn't fair, but feelings didn't play fair. Deep down was the feeling that she simply didn't believe enough.
And that was an almost deeper sort of betrayal.
That first fight between them had felt like it was pulled out of a different life, a life between two people not as close as them. Or in love as them. They had made promises never to say hurtful, vengeful words like the ones they had spoken again. Sworn that they would talk reasonably and openly with each other. It had seemed so simply then but the two of them were truly clueless.
There was a hole so deep from so long ago that they couldn't even see it. But it caused everything else to slowly cave into it. Over, and over, and over again.
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
Its good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's going to be okay
If you just stay gone,
When we try to make it work
We both end up hurt
And love ain't supposed to be that way
This last time they hadn't even fallen back to each other because of a will to do so. They had been moving through the motions of a couple. They had been , happy and placid on the surface, miserable and dying within. The love had still been there, deep and abiding as ever. But it wasn't enough to bind them to each other. Not when the trust had never been won back.
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
Its good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's going to be okay
If you just stay gone
Tommy breathed deeply, the encompassing and uncluttered air filling him. The lake was strangely still and he wondered if he had ever felt that calm. If there had been a time before Her that it had felt like a balm on his wounds instead of an accelerator to his pain.
No, Tommy realized in that moment of long awaited self-awareness, he would not follow Her. He loved Her, more than he could ever recall loving another. And he would make his peace with that, was even making his peace with it at the very moment.
By he could not hold Her inside of him any longer.
He was somewhere between, he realized. Between woman and deity, ghost of a memory and in color reality. Her face loomed above, below, and inside of him. But there was also another whisper in the back of his mind. Something that had become foreign, misplaced for maybe years.
Tommy closed his eyes, melding the picture of a girl and the portrait of a woman together. Taking that image and painting it across an illuminated statue, a temple of worship.
Walls lowered and Tommy breathed deeply again, feeling his heart slow. A sense of calm, a sense of freedom, a sense of himself upon him. He opened his eyes and looked across the lake, watching as a bird soared above the water before landing on its surface.
Just flesh, he noted to himself. Kimberly was bone and flesh just like him. With a silent, whispered kiss he let the image of her float away from him. He let it fade until he stood there on the lake with nothing but the sky, the earth, and the water surrounding him.
Freeing him.
By letting her go, Tommy Oliver had made the first step to finding himself.
If you just stay gone