AN: Oooh! 25 reviews! squeals I'm sooooo happy! All you people who reviewed are the best! About the characters in this fic: yeah, I know they're dead, but who cares? I own nothing. Characters OOC. Enjoy.

Ex-police officer Seras Victoria sighed. To her utmost disappointment, the Midnight Mall had to be taken down. And she and Alucard were the ones ordered to do it.

A few days ago they had discovered the vampires who used the stores underneath were smuggling live humans -- food -- out of the above stores and sending them away to other countries.

And it had to stop.

And so, they were on their way to the Midnight Mall. Again.

"But Master…"

"Do quit whining, Police Girl. I can't stand it."

"I still don't wanna blow up the mall…it's the only one I can go to…"

"Police Girl, what about the humans?"

"Oh yeah…" she was sweet, but not the brightest.

They made their way into the mall. Alucard went full-out, doing the whole "huge black mass of things" look and Seras ran to the announcement booth.

"Um, excuse me." she began. The people inside took one look at what was going on inside and fled the room. Seras shrugged and sat down. Picking up the microphone and punching the button, she spoke.

"Um, this is the police speaking. Please would everyone leave the Midnight Mall immediately. I repeat, everyone please leave the building immediately."

She didn't even have to say it. The building was evacuated before she had finished. Shrugging, she put down the microphone and joined Alucard outside, who had retaken his humanoid form and was grinning wildly.

"That's so much fun!" he crowed. "I wish the Master would let me do that more often!"

Seras winced. "Are all the bombs in place, Master?"

"Of course they are, Police Girl." The mall was quite out-of-town, so they would have no problem blowing the whole thing to kingdom come without endangering any humans.

"Stand by!" chuckled Alucard. "Three, two, one…"

Seras heard the boom and felt a huge WHOOSH! She was knocked down and hit her head.

"Huh?" she looked up blearily. "Where am I?"

The room was dark and hot. Very hot. Suddenly the lights went on!

"What the bleep are you doin' here?" said a voice. Seras' eyes took a moment to focus, then she was looking into the face of one Jan Valentine. She screamed and he jumped away, covering his ears in pain.

"Oww, will you shut the bleep up!"

Seras looked around. Hmmm…was she in a cave? And what was Jan doing here? Wasn't he dead…Oooops…

"Um, Jan Valentine?"

"That's me." he took his fingers out of his ears.

"Jan, am I dead?" she asked very seriously. He shrugged.

"You don't look like it. Bleeping stupid bleep."

"Why are you being bleeped out?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"This is bleeping Hell!" he said sadly. "It's not bleeping fair!"

She rolled her eyes. Well, she thought. Maybe it's a 'near-death' experience they always talk about in movies…

"Oh, will you shut up?" came another voice. A blonde vampire, one she hadn't seen before, came out from a turn in the cave-looking place. "You're driving me mad with your drivel…hang on, who's this?" he peered at her curiously.

"Oh, big bro! This little bleep here is one of the minions of that stupid bleep that we were supposed to wipe out before."

"She doesn't look dead. She's full of some kind of light." Luke squinted at the indeed gleaming Seras.

"I think I'm only here in my mind." said Seras cautiously. "It's one of those near-death experience things."

"Makes sense." said Jan thoughtfully, shrugging.

Seras sat down. "What's it like in here?" she asked.

"Well," said Luke. "There's no actual torture, no blinding pain or anything like that…Hell, it seems, is being confined with this little twerp who won't shut up and leave me in peace!"

"Bro, that's the point of bleeping Hell!" said Jan sarcastically. He looked at Seras again.

"So what have you been doing all this time? It must be boring down here, what do you do?" Seras asked quizzically.

"Well," Luke began, "it's not really that bad, actually. We are trapped here, but as I said before, we're each other's only company. No other demons in our little section, which is not that small. There's actually even a couple of books and chairs over there." he gestured around the corner. "Although they're all books about Hell: Dante's Inferno and the like. But they're not that bad."

"Yeah, lucky for you, you bleep can read!" Jan moaned. "I can't bleeping read, so I usually just sleep all the time."

"I tried to teach you to read, but you wouldn't listen to me."

Seras giggled softly.

Luke gestured.

"There's a door over there. It's shut to us, but you might be able to go through it."

"It looks open to me." said Seras.

"Fine then." said Jan. Seras walked towards the door.

"See you in bleeping Hell!" he yelled after her.

She rolled her eyes, glad that he was dead and she was probably going home.

Or not…as the fates (AKA the authoress) had planned something else for her…

Next Chappie: He's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! It's Incognito!