A/N: I own no part of Hellsing or any characters therein. Talking dolls were my favourite toys as a child. I don't mind Seras X Walter if you're wondering. Characters OOC. Enjoy.

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It was early in the evening in England, and at the Hellsing headquarters all was quiet.

Except for the sound of a long, slow sigh by one very bored Seras Victoria. Skimming the web sites for Hellsing Fan Fiction, she came across the usual suspects. For some reason, people loved pairing her up with Walter. While she trusted and respected Walter, she didn't think she would ever…well, do those kind of things. Shrugging, she flipped to another page.

A small web ad popped up on her screen. Ready to do away with it, she paused when she read:

ATTENTION ALL HELLSING FANS!

PIONEER ENTERTAINMENT AND TOYCOM COME TOGETHER TO BRING YOU THE NEW HELLSING LINE OF TALKING MODELS!

USING VOICECHIP TECHNOLOGY AND STATE OF THE ART MODELLING TECHNIQUES, YOU TOO CAN TALK AND LISTEN TO ALL YOUR FAVOURITE CHARACTERS!

WAVE ONE CONTAINS: ALUCARD, SIR HELLSING, SERAS VICTORIA, AND WALTER C. DORNEZ!

ORDER THE SET OR INDIVIDUALS TODAY FROM THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF PIONEER ENTERTAINMENT!

(BACKDROP SETS SOLD SEPARATELY)

Seras blinked, silently. Her jaw dropped.

Then, in a blur of typing, she scrambled over to the website.

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(1-2 business days later…air mail!)

"They're here! They're HERE!" squealed Seras excitedly as she ripped open the large package she had received in the mail that day.

"What's here?" said Alucard, sinking through the ceiling.

"Look!" said Seras, whipping out the Alucard doll and plunking it into the real vampire's hands.

"What is it?" said Alucard, turning the figure upside down.

"It's you!" giggled the red-haired police girl. Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"Here!" Seras took it back and placed it onto the model kit she had also bought. Pressing one of the buttons, the figure moved smoothly and uttered the phrase, "What is your bidding, my Master?"

Alucard's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "It talks!" he said, in a strangely high-pitched voice. "And it sounds like me!"

Seras couldn't help it. She laughed and laughed, rolling on the floor in tears. Alucard rooted through the big box.

"There's one here of you…and Master Integra…and Walter…" his voice trailed off. He frowned. "Where did you get these?"

Seras chuckled, wiping away tears of mirth. "I ordered them through the mail. What d'you think, Master?"

"I think you're bloody insane." came a voice hiding its own laughter. Sir Integra walked into the room, chewing on her customary cigar. Seras sniffed back her laughter and offered her the doll of herself.

Integra looked at the mini-Integra and smirked. "Well, they certainly did render me in a very interesting way." she said, with a tone in her voice that sounded suspiciously like pride.

Alucard glumly showed her his own doll. "Mine is smaller than yours."

Integra blinked. Indeed, the Alucard doll seemed to be shorter. Picking up the other dolls, she saw they were correct in proportion except for the Alucard doll, which was shorter than even the Seras doll.

At this, they all burst into laughter, except Alucard, who growled. Integra placed the dolls of herself and Alucard onto the set and pressed the buttons. Her doll and the Alucard doll swivelled around to face each other and began a little conversation.

Integra doll: "There's no room in the Hellsing family for a vampire that gets pummelled by a Regenerator, Alucard."

Alucard doll: "Humph."

At this, both Seras and Integra collapsed onto their respective chairs, howling with laughter and clutching their sides.

At this point, the three were joined by Walter.

"What's going on in here?" he asked, confused at all the laughter and tears. Alucard looked very ticked off.

He thrust the dolls into the aging butler's hands. Walter blinked, then smiled.

"Well, now." he said quietly. "That's certainly a sight."

Alucard winced.

"They talk, too!" said Seras, quickly recovering from her laughing fit, taking the dolls and putting them all in the proper places. Integra pushed the button and sat back.

The Walter doll began the conversation first.

Walter doll: "Come, come now. There's no reason to get upset over it."

Integra doll: "Alucard stole my cigars."

Seras doll: "Master? Why did you steal director Integra's cigars?"

Alucard doll: "Cigars can cause you danger, Master."
Integra doll: "I think I've got a lot more to worry about than cigars, Alucard."

Alucard doll: "Like what?"

Integra doll: "That doesn't even require a response, moron."

At this, Integra and Seras all burst into fully renewed laughter, especially when noting the sour expression on Alucard's face. Integra simply couldn't contain herself, and was laughing so hard tears ran down her cheeks. Seras was nearly rolling on the floor, and poor Walter was trying so hard not to break down himself. As it was, he was biting his fist to keep from guffawing into Alucard's face.

Growling, Alucard sank through the floor, but not before the Integra doll got in one last line:

Integra doll: "I'm surrounded by idiots."

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Next chapter: " 'This is why we don't go to parties,' explained Sir Integra to the horrified onlookers." It's Sir Integra's 24th birthday! Read if you dare!