Chapter Twenty

Spectacles

"Jennifer, like it or not you are constantly in the spotlight. Perhaps it is time you should think about how you want everyone else to see you, and discipline yourself to let them only see what you want them to see."

"I can't do that, Severus! Hide who I am? Under a mask like you do? How can I do that and not betray who I am? I've never needed a mask before…"

"Only because your friends have always supplied the mask for you. But you're no longer the young, naïve teacher that first entered this school, and it's high time you thought about it."

"I've never really wanted anyone to see me but for who I really am."

"What about your first year here when you tried to play Lucius Malfoy with an act and I had to come bail you out?"

"That was different. I wasn't doing it to protect how I was being seen. Besides, I'm a Truth Seeker, remember? Honesty first, and all that. What sort of Truth Seeker goes around wearing a mask to who they really are?"

Severus woke up restlessly, glancing at the closed window. He suddenly realized that he had gotten used to waking up and shutting it on cold November nights, and yet here it was, still closed, an obstinate reminder that things weren't as they should be. With a wave, the window opened to let in a breeze and he collapsed again, the heavy weight of exhaustion feeling more like a weight upon his soul.

All of the regulars were there when Jacqueline arrived to work the next day, welcoming her warmly and asking her how she was until she finally protested with a laugh.

"Goodness, I'm gone one day and the world is ending? I'm fine, really, I got caught up on some sleep," Jacqueline said as she went for an apron.

"Did you hear there was another robbery last night?" Tony inquired. Jacqueline could tell right away from the exchanges of looks what they had been talking about. "Only a few blocks from here, too."

"Did anyone see him leave his room yesterday?" Emma asked.

"As a matter of fact, yes," Jacqueline said curtly, tying her apron and taking her normal station at the bar. "He happened to drop by the apartment after my appointment to check on me."

"Really?" Emma said with interest. "Rather bold of him to do that, considering you live with Mark, isn't it? When the cat's away, I suppose."

"He was merely worried!" Jacqueline frowned at her. "Goodness Eliza, don't start jumping to conclusions on me!" Emma blinked at her.

"Emma, dear."

"Emma, yes, sorry. I don't know where that came from," Jacqueline said, filling her cup as a show of apology. "But still, he was just making sure Erascus wasn't shackling me to the wall."

"How did he get into the building? Did you let him in?" Tony asked.

"Well, no, he just showed up at the door. Someone let him in, I guess. Happens all of the time," Jacqueline shrugged.

"Some security!" Emma snorted. "You need a doorman."

"When I can afford Park Avenue, I'll let you know," Jacqueline said dryly.

"So how long did he stay then?" Tony asked.

"Just a few minutes. Mark came home early," Jacqueline said.

"Oh, no! What did Mark say when he saw him?" Sally asked.

"Oh, the Professor got out before that, actually. I'm not really sure how, exactly, but he did," Jacqueline said.

"When did Erascus call, fourish?" Rob mused from where he watched from the back. "That would mean fivish tops. Robbery happened at nine, which means there's still a huge window of opportunity there."

"Have you all been watching Perry Mason reruns again?" Jacqueline demanded, hands on her hips. "Didn't he go to his room after dinner like he always does?"

"He didn't stop in for dinner," Sally said, "And I'm not in the habit of knocking on doors to see which tenants are in and out. But I do admit that he does have his moments when he seems a bit out of touch."

"Isn't that true of most professors?" Jacqueline asked.

"Thus says the expert," Rob teased. "I still want to compare him with his glasses off."

"And how exactly do you plan to do that?" Sally asked him. "Oh, pardon me, would you take your glasses off for a moment so we can make sure you're not a burglar and possible murderer?"

"Now, now, I'm sure some of us who know him better could come up with something," Emma said, looking slyly over towards Jacqueline. "Think you could bump him so he drops them in his soup?"

"He doesn't normally get soup," Jacqueline said irritably. "And I don't like accusing my friends of doing something wrong, no matter how suspicious it looks." Sally and Emma exchanged glances. "All right, I'll figure something out if he comes in, but only if you all promise to drop it afterwards."

"We're just looking after your safety, dear," Emma said with an encouraging nod.

"Please don't say that. Every time I hear that phrase, I feel another iron chain across my chest and I can hardly breathe as it is," Jacqueline said.

Her friends had been so convinced that he was going to come in that night that they kept finding things to order as an excuse to stay. They were nearly bursting with food and coffee before Mycroft walked into the diner, which immediately quieted with his entry. Mycroft, however, had begun to get used to the café crowds' curious welcome, nodding to them all and glancing at Jacqueline who smiled warmly at him.

"Here, why don't I sit you at a table tonight so you can be comfortable," Sally suggested. "Over here by the bar, of course. Jacqueline, are you going to stand there or get this man some tea? It is getting cold out there."

"Snow before the weekend's over is what I hear," Tony put in, immediately telling Mycroft that the conversation was far from being unnoticed.

Sally lingered by the table with the menu when Jacqueline came out with Mycroft's cup. Sally glanced at her watch.

"Is it that late already?" she said with surprise. "Goodness, Jacqueline, you should take a break. I'll go bring you a cup as well." Jacqueline gave her a dirty look but put her apron in Sally's waiting hand.

"Won't you sit down?" Mycroft said, his eyes looking at Sally thoughtfully as the woman headed towards the bar. "And is it just me, or do I sense a conspiracy at hand?"

"Not one of my doing, I assure you," Jacqueline said. She glanced around as she sat down and noticed Tony and Emma turning quickly around in their seats and Rob ducking back, attempting to look busy in the kitchen. "I think my disappearance yesterday has my friends on edge. I'm gone one day and you would think it was the end of the world."

"Yes," Mycroft said quietly, his expression distant and unreadable. "I just wanted to apologize for my abrupt departure yesterday. I didn't want to cause you any trouble. I know things are not as they should be for you at home."

"Boy, is that the understatement of the year," Jacqueline chuckled. "I don't know how you managed to get out so quickly, but thank you. You probably saved me a lot of grief."

"The last thing I want to do is put you in a position that causes you more grief," Mycroft said in such a low, sincere voice that Jacqueline couldn't help but stare and wonder at its intensity. At that moment Sally came back with Jacqueline's tea, slipping it in front of her and retreating as fast as she had come.

"I know what you mean," Jacqueline said at last. "To be honest, sometimes I feel like I'm afraid that I might say the wrong thing and… well, it's obvious that you've hardly gotten over losing your wife."

"Gotten over it?" Mycroft repeated, testing the words as he said them before shaking his head. "Impossible. How can one get over a person who gets under the skin, penetrates every fiber of one's being so completely that not an action is made that hasn't been affected by it? That would be like attempting to get over living," he said, his eyes never leaving her. Jacqueline felt a strange chill through her followed by a terrible ache, whether brought on from his obvious grief or her own she wasn't sure. She found herself longing for a glimpse in his mind at that moment. "There is nothing that you can say or ask that will injure me, Jacqueline. Although don't expect me to answer everything," he added with a wry smile.

"Well I do have one question," Jacqueline said after taking a long drink out of her cup.

"Go on," Mycroft said, his eyes still on her.

"Can I see your glasses?" she asked. Mycroft blinked, raising his eyebrows a bit. Whatever it was he had been expecting her to ask, that was obviously not it.

"Why?" he asked, suddenly wary.

"Well for one thing, they're a little crooked," Jacqueline grinned at him taking them off before he could protest again, twisting them gently. "There, I'm sure that's better," she said, gazing at him again, feeling another strange tingle up her spine. There could be little doubt now that he resembled the man in the sketch. Improvising, she put the glasses on, turning to the others. It was then that Mycroft realized how intensely they were still being watched. "What do you think? How do they look?" Jacqueline asked them.

"I think they look better on him," Rob said.

"Yes, so do I," Mycroft said, taking his glasses back with annoyance, glaring at Jacqueline's pouting face as he put them back on. "And exactly what are you up to this time?"

"What? You are always so suspicious!" Jacqueline said. "Maybe I just wanted to see what you looked like with your glasses off."

"Fine," Mycroft said. "Why?"

"What do you mean why? Can't a girl be a little curious?" Jacqueline asked. Mycroft didn't miss the slightly flirtatious tone in her voice, but neither did he buy it.

"You are up to something, Jacqueline. I know you. You definitely think you are onto something, and whatever it is, I think it would be prudent for you to tell me what it is," Mycroft said.

"You keep saying that. The other night you did too… 'I know you too well.' What is it that makes you think you know me so well?" Jacqueline challenged him. Mycroft seemed momentarily taken aback, quickly feigning an attempt at cleaning his lenses. But he paused when he noticed that everyone at the bar was leaning over to get a good look at him.

"Are you telling me that the fact that everyone is watching us isn't a tad suspicious?" Mycroft pointed out.

"Oh them," Jacqueline said, looking sheepish. "To be honest, they think something's going on between us. Emma's a real gossip and she's got the others convinced. But don't worry, I told them we were only friends." Mycroft stared at her dubiously. "Well, I should be getting back to work, shouldn't I?" she said and excused herself, his eyes following her back to the bar as the others quickly tried to look interested in their meals or their work.

"So Jackie, where you going this Friday?" Tony asked casually when he saw Mycroft still studying them suspiciously.

"Oh, some sort of old show revival on Broadway," Jacqueline said. "I'm going to be bored to pieces, I'm sure."

"Well if you go in with that attitude, you will," Sally scolded her. "Perhaps this will be the week that you come home having had a good time."

"Yes, maybe Mark will break a leg or something and have to stay home," Jacqueline said wickedly.

"You are so hard on that boy, Jacqueline," Emma chuckled.

"I know I am," Jacqueline said. "But the Professor is right," she said, nodding over to where he watched from his table. "I can't let myself feel guilty because of everything Mark's done for me. I'm sure that he's not any happier with this situation than I am."

"So if you both know it, perhaps it's time to sit down and talk with him. You know, about you getting a place on your own," Sally said. "If he does really care about you, I think he'd understand you needing to be independent for awhile. Who knows, it might improve your relationship in the long run too."

"If you only understood what we've been through just to become friends," Jacqueline said. "You know how sometimes you meet someone and from the first instant you know you're going to get along and become good friends from the start? And then there are times when you meet someone nice that you'd think you should get along with, and well, it just isn't all that easy. We can't do anything together without both of us making sacrifices about what we like, or what we want to do, or anything, and not because we want to make them but because we have to, to keep from killing one another. Don't get me wrong, I do like Mark, but more as a casual, 'hey why don't you come over for a cup of coffee sometime' sort of way. Providing I'm the one making the coffee," Jacqueline added with a chuckle.

"Don't tell us that, Jackie, we know it already," Sally said. "Tell him."

"Tell him," Jacqueline repeated, glancing at the Professor who seemed lost in thought. "I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I trust what he'll do when I say it."

"Well if you can't trust him, dear, you most definitely shouldn't be with him," Emma said, sipping her coffee. "You'd be better off with a criminal you could trust than a nice guy you can't."

Jacqueline's jaw dropped in surprise then she quickly grabbed some dirty plates to take to the back, refusing to look at the old woman on her way past. Was Emma right? Did she trust the Professor more than she trusted Mark? Jacqueline sighed, rinsing off the dishes. She hadn't exactly been a good friend to Mycroft, poking around as she had. Perhaps she should come out and ask him. Would he tell her the truth? He hadn't exactly been honest to her. And that made her wonder even more at Emma's observation. Just why did she feel she could trust him?

Jacqueline had a special gown set aside for the evening; a nice dark red dress, long but sleek, and a new black coat that Mark had given her for the occasion. She tossed her hair up in a polished amber and bone clip and came out with a wry smile on her face as Mark stood there staring agape at her as if seeing her for the first time.

"You look amazing," he said at last, tying his tie. "I have a good feeling about tonight, Jacqueline. I really think you're going to enjoy yourself, this musical seems right up your alley."

"I'd be happier if we could both enjoy ourselves for a change," Jacqueline admitted.

"We will do our best," Mark said with an almost mocking bow, offering her arm. Jacqueline took it with a smile, the two of them heading down the stairs to brave the freezing winds to get to waiting cab. As they stepped out, Jacqueline suddenly smiled, seeing the title.

"The Scarlet Pimpernel? Like the book?" Jacqueline said as they stepped over to the door.

"I thought you'd like that. I saw the book on the nightstand and figured you might," Mark said. "You'd better, actually, I had to pull quite a few strings to get orchestra tickets tonight."

"Just as long as you weren't standing out here with a sign," she laughed, glancing at some of the other men hovering about.

"Almost," Mark said with a grin, convinced now he had done something right for a change. "And this is quite a bit warmer than ice skating."

"Definitely," Jacqueline agreed. She couldn't help but be impressed at the theatre and their center stage seating, although felt a bit guilty that he had gone to so much trouble. "You're positive this isn't one of those moving picture things, right?"

"Jacqueline!" he said with exasperation, then saw her grinning at him.

"And you still haven't explained why we got dressed up to sit in the dark," Jacqueline said.

"You don't pay this kind of money and not get dressed up. Besides, we're going to dinner afterwards. We should be getting out early enough for that."

"Dinner? Oh no."

"I promise I won't touch a drop of anything," Mark assured her. Jacqueline chuckled softly, shaking her head a bit. She spent the time during the wait just admiring the architecture and listening to others around her, caught up in the building tension waiting for it to start.

From the moment the curtains opened, Jacqueline felt herself drawn in, completely oblivious of everything, even in some ways of her own self as she got caught up in the story of an Englishman trying to rescue aristos from the Guillotine during the French Revolution. But that was merely background, in ways, for the true story of Percy and Marguerite, torn between their love for each other, his loyalty for his friends and duty, and her loyalty to her family. Music has a way of piercing through people when they least expect it, and so it did to Jacqueline. The more she watched the fanciful anguish and love the couple went through, the more she herself felt something increasingly wrong inside herself, something deep and desperate missing that perhaps was lost forever. Was it a passion for life, or just passion in general? Nothing really seemed important in her life right now, and she couldn't help but feel that her questions to herself only lead to more questions with no answers in sight.

Mark watched her with concern at intermission, but didn't say anything to her growing depression.

"Do you hate it that much?" he asked after a moment. "Because if you do, we can leave now."

"No, really, I'd like to stay," Jacqueline said immediately. "Mark, how different am I now compared to how I was before I lost my memories?"

"Quite a deal, I would say," he said quietly.

"I'm not the same person at all, am I?" Jacqueline said, looking over to him. A look of fear crossed his face, but he shook his head slightly more as if answering himself than her.

"It's true, you have changed," Mark said. "That's what you were asking, isn't it?"

"Was I happy? I mean back then. Was I happy with my life?" Jacqueline said. Mark looked at her but didn't speak, even though he opened his mouth as if to, nothing came out. "Because I'm not now and I don't know how to fix it."

"Just tell me what to do," Mark said at last, his tone hushed as the curtain began to rise again. "Whatever you want me to do to make you happy, I will," he swore softly. Jacqueline stared at him searchingly, but he did seem sincere. She sighed, turning back to the show distractedly, not able to get as completely absorbed as she had the first half.

Tiny snowflakes had begun to flicker down by the time they came out, and Mark took the first cab that came up the line, settling her in before getting in himself. The traffic was insane, but Mark wasn't worried about the parking lot streets. Instead he turned to Jacqueline who seemed even more somber than before.

"What is it?" he asked quietly, not being able to stand it anymore.

"Mark, do you love me?" Jacqueline asked, turning to him seriously.

"Yes," Mark said quietly, gazing at her.

"No, I mean, do you love me as I am now, and not the person you knew," Jacqueline said insistently. "Because I think you know by now that I'm not that person any more."

"I know," he said quietly.

"Do you?" Jacqueline said. "Because I think if I got my memories back tomorrow, I don't think I'd be the same even then. Could you still love me, knowing that?"

"Of course I could, Jacqueline," Mark said, touching her cheek with the back of his hand. "But the question is, how do you feel? What if your memories never come back? Do you think you could learn to love me?"

"Could I?" Jacqueline questioned herself. "Perhaps I could," she admitted. "But not like this. Not in the shadow of Erascus, and not with these forced dates and definitely not without the freedom to choose for myself on whether or not I want to try. I realized something tonight, Mark. Something I couldn't see before. There is something truly missing in my life and in my heart, and it's not just the memories as I've always thought it was. It's something more, much more. I can live without my memories, but I can't live with this emptiness." Mark gazed at her helplessly for a moment, wishing the traffic would move.

"What do you want me to do? What can I do?" Mark whispered.

"Let me have the freedom to find out what I'm missing," Jacqueline pleaded. "Let me have some time on my own."

"Jacqueline, you know Erascus would never allow that," Mark said, shaking his head.

"Two hours ago you told me that you'd do anything to make sure I was happy, and now you're taking it back because what I want is not what Erascus wants?" Jacqueline asked with a frown.

"Erascus is only doing what's best for both of us."

"Oh, Mark, that's total bull and you know it," Jacqueline snapped angrily. "Do you have any idea what he's giving me, Mark? That horrible night pill that you make sure I take? It doesn't help dreams; it stops them!"

"How did you know that?" Mark asked with alarm.

"You mean you knew?" Jacqueline said aghast.

"Jacqueline, the nightmares… it was to stop the nightmares…" Mark stammered.

"I didn't have those until that night I forgot to take one! Why did you do it, Mark?" Jacqueline shouted.

"Erascus thought it was best if you got used to your surroundings again before you had to deal with the trauma of recovering your memories. He was afraid you would get stressed like you are now," Mark explained quickly.

"Shut up! I've heard enough!" Jacqueline said, reaching for the door, kicking it when she couldn't find the handle.

"What are you doing?" Mark demanded, trying to hold her back. But suddenly as if by magic, the door opened on its own.

"It's time you decide whose side you're on, Mark, either mine or Erascus. Because it's obvious now that the doctor and I are not on the same side," Jacqueline said. "I can take care of myself!" she added, bolting out the door and slamming it behind her.

She was already across the street as Mark searched frantically for a handle. The light turned green and the taxi's quick acceleration knocked Mark back in his seat.

"You're not thinking about leaving without paying me, are you?" the cabby warned. "And for whatever damage that broad just did to my door."

"Just pull over!" Mark barked at him, getting into his wallet and throwing a wad of bills at the driver. But by the time he got out of the cab, she was gone. Literally kicking himself for what had just happened, Mark combed the streets, but there was no chance of finding her in that crowd. It was then that he noticed the subway tunnel and realized that by now she could be anywhere. Making up his mind at last, he hailed another cab.

Mycroft had no reason to suspect that anyone would have been in the café on a Friday night. He decided to relax for a few hours, grabbing a book and settling in with tea and pastries at his normal booth. He was on his third cup when Mark burst in, and with no time to run he quickly turned his back to him, pretending to be absorbed in his book.

"Has Jackie been by here?" Mark asked frantically. Sally set the coffee pot down on the bar with surprise.

"Isn't she with you? It's Friday…"

"Yes, she was with me, but she took off." Mark said, obviously upset. "Any idea where she might have gone?"

"Maybe the library? She's always wanted to go there," Sally suggested.

"At night?" Tony asked. "Where was she when you lost her?"

"Oh, not far from the theatre. I'm afraid she might have taken the subway somewhere," Mark said. "Look, if she comes back here, can you send her home?"

"Sure, Mark," Sally said. "If she's not back by closing, we'll go look too."

"Thanks, I only pray someone else finds her before Erascus does," Mark said. "Tell her to call me on my cell phone when she gets in," he added, hurrying back out the door.

"That jerk. I wonder what he said to her this time," Rob said the moment he left.

"Or what she said to him," Sally said, glancing over to where Mycroft had jumped up, putting on his coat. "Are you going after her?"

"She doesn't need Mark to find her, either. She needs a friend," Mycroft said curtly. "Is there anywhere else in town she might have gone that would be accessible at night?"

"She's always talking about sight seeing, and she was close enough to Times Square," Tony said, getting up.

"No, it wouldn't be noisy but it would be something distinct," Mycroft reasoned.

"The Statue of Liberty?" Sally suggested.

"Ferries close down at night," Emma replied.

"Liberty Park has a good view of the statue, but it's all the way over on the Jersey side. It don't close until ten and it's pretty quiet, although I'm not sure I'd recommend a girl walking there at night," Tony said.

"She wouldn't care about that," Mycroft said, glancing at his watch.

"Here, I can take you," Tony offered getting up. "Although I can't guarantee speed in Friday night traffic."

"That won't be necessary. Why don't you check Times Square, since you think she may have gone that way?"

"It'll be like looking for a needle in a haystack, but I'll give it a go," Tony agreed, Sally quickly waving away his attempt to pay.

"Just find her," Sally said worriedly. The two men nodded at her, Mycroft quickly taking the lead on foot while Tony headed to his car. But strangely enough, when Tony turned at the car door to ask Mycroft if he wouldn't change his mind, Mycroft wasn't there.