Chapter Thirty-Five

Introspections

That evening after the Slytherin meeting, Aurelius wandered back down to the library alone, his friends both rather angry at him. It was just as well, for he was not in the mood for outsiders. When he stepped into the library, Andrew immediately looked up from his table and excused himself from his classmates, and as they chose an empty table near the front, Alex noticed them as well, cutting short her latest explanation of her Muggle homework to Mandria to go and sit with them. Mandria breathed a sighed relief, burying her nose in her book while she had the chance.

"Are you all right, Rel?" she asked in a low voice.

"No, not really," Aurelius admitted. "Father and Mum found out about Pali. He caught me when Pali took me to the Grove last night."

"Really? What did they say about it?" Andrew asked anxiously.

"Well, Mum didn't say much of anything. Father was angrier that we'd been in the forest more than what we were doing, really. And of course he demanded that I tell him the whole story this morning, and then told me that I wasn't to go sneaking into the forest again. I might as well have been told to cut off my arm and leave it somewhere and told not to fetch it. He can't possibly expect me to stay away if Pali needs me. He just doesn't understand!" Aurelius said, obviously still upset.

Andrew and Alex looked at one another thoughtfully.

"Look, it's not so bad as all of that," Alex said gently. "Next year you'll get to go to Hogsmeade, and students are allowed to go to the Grove while we're there."

"And what am I supposed to do until then? Pretend he doesn't exist? I might as well pretend I don't exist. You don't know what it's like. When you're riding one, it's like a part of yourself gets moved to him and he to you, and you don't get it back. And for a while when it's going on, it's just you and him and no one else seems to matter… just the forest and the trees and how fast you can gallop through them. Of course, Father spent most of his time reminding me that this sort of thing doesn't last and that sooner or later I'll need to let it go and maybe that's true, but right now he's the best thing I've got going in my life, and the only person I can talk to that actually seems to care, even if he doesn't always understand me."

"You can always talk to us, Aurelius," Alex said gently. "That hasn't ever changed."

"It's starting to, Alex, whether you realize it or not," Aurelius said, gazing at her steadily. "This is the first time we've gotten together alone since Christmas. You've got your friends, Andrew's got Halbert and I…well, I don't know exactly what I have actually. Heph and Stock can be a real pain sometimes. Alicia still spends her time with the twins of course, but let's face it, we're growing up, and the older we get, the more we're going to want to do things with them and not with each other. I need someone I can count on."

"Aurelius, just because we're getting older doesn't make us any less your brother and sisters," Andrew said. "We're still going to stick by you through thick and thin, growing up doesn't change the fact we're family."

"Right, if you can't count on us, who can you count on?" Alex asked.

"The only person anyone can count on when it comes right down to it," Aurelius said. "Me, myself, and I, and right now, that includes Pali."

Andrew couldn't help but grow even more worried about his brother then, telling Halbert about their conversation as the headed back up to their dorm rooms.

"You know, I may not have any siblings, but it almost sounds to me if he's still angry about what happened to your mother," Halbert said.

"Yes, you're probably right about that," Andrew sighed. "But I hate it when he gets this way. He gets so caught up in his own fears and feeling sorry for himself that he's blind to the fact that we're right there trying to support him."

"So what do you normally do when he gets like this?" Halbert asked.

"We grit our teeth and wait until he comes around again, normally," Andrew sighed. "Not much can talk a Snape out of a foul mood if they're set on having one."

"I'm not sure I'd want to try to talk a Snape out of much of anything," Halbert grinned. "Talk into things, maybe."

"At that, you're an expert," Andrew grinned, telling the Fat Lady the password and stepping inside.

From the moment that Severus stepped into his sitting room, he knew he was in trouble. A tall braided candle was lit on the table covered with cloth and silver trays had been laid carefully out upon it.

"There you are," Jennifer said, getting up from where she was reading by the fireplace. She was wearing a filmy, light green dress, her hair only lightly pinned so that most of it fell over her shoulders. "For a while there I thought you didn't get my note." Severus merely nodded at first, not trusting his own voice.

"I had to stop by the library to get some research material. I happened to mention to Dumbledore during our meeting this afternoon your suggestion to revise the OWLS and NEWTS," Severus admitted, setting his books down near the door, making no move to come away from it.

"Really? And he liked the idea?" Jennifer asked brightly, walking over to him.

"I am to organize a team of volunteer staff to help me begin work on the project. Hermione has already signed on to help. I met her in the hall on the way over here." Jennifer hugged him warmly, kissing him lovingly.

"I am so glad you changed your mind! I'm not sure what help I can be, but I'll do everything I can too, just name it," she said, gazing intently at him.

"There is one thing you could do for me," Severus said in a low voice, raising her chin a tad. "You could let me talk you out of observing my class next week." Jennifer immediately began to pout.

"But I'm so looking forward to it! I've been wanting to see you teach since before I even came to Hogwarts," Jennifer whispered.

"Really, Defense isn't as interesting a subject as it sounds, in fact I'm sure Humanities would have even been more exciting," he murmured, well aware that Jennifer was anything but convinced. He sighed softly. "Isn't there any way I can talk you out of it?"

"No," Jennifer admitted. "Out of other things, perhaps," she added slyly. "Can't we put school matters aside for one evening?"

"Jennifer, I'm afraid I've planned a meeting tonight with a few people concerning these tests, but I do have time for dinner," he said apologetically.

"Break it," Jennifer said firmly.

"I cannot do that, I'm the one who organized it," Severus said gently.

"Isn't there a single moment we can have that can't be interrupted?" Jennifer asked.

"My dear, this whole thing of revising the tests was your idea."

"Yes, but I wasn't expecting you to get gung ho about it. I had something important to ask you tonight," Jennifer said with exasperation.

"You can ask me anything at any time, you need not make any sort of fuss about it," he murmured.

"Oh, I have to this time," Jennifer said miserably, glancing back at the table. "Well, I suppose it can wait. Come eat, Severus."

"I'd rather hear whatever it was you wanted to ask me," Severus frowned. "Why don't you just come out with it so it isn't nagging me the entire evening?"

"No really, Severus, please drop it and eat. I cooked it myself, and for the record it isn't exactly easy trying to convince a dozen kitchen House Elves to let me use the stove."

"You certainly seem to have gone through a lot of trouble," Severus sighed, sitting down. "Won't you tell me what this is all about?"

"Try the wine, I had Rosmerta pick it out for me," Jennifer insisted.

"You're going to make me break out a Telepathy potion, aren't you?" Severus said, humoring her by taking a sip while his other hand drummed impatiently.

"You wouldn't do that, would you?" Jennifer asked with a frown.

"Well, it isn't as if you don't have an advantage in that department, you do it all the time to me without potions," Severus pointed out. "I'd much rather you just said what was on your mind so both of us can stop fretting about it."

"You're not making this easy," Jennifer said irritably, getting up and looking out the frosty window. Severus let out a long sigh and got up, stepping behind her.

"Does it have something to do with what happened yesterday?" he asked softly.

"No, not exactly," Jennifer murmured.

"Good, because I know I never got around to apologizing for the way I behaved before we went after Aurelius, and I probably should have." Jennifer turned around and stared at him. "I was swept up in the moment, and if I offended you in any way…"

"Severus!" Jennifer said, rolling her eyes and kissing him with exasperation. "I can't believe you're trying to apologize for that! It was hardly one-sided."

"Yes, I know," he said quietly. "But that was before we got to the Glen. I saw a part of you in that moment that I haven't seen since before we were married."

"Yes," Jennifer agreed softly. "Oh, Severus, it was so reassuring to see Keki's children, to feel what it was like to touch a Unicorn again, and to know that one of our own children shares that feeling too. It was like, in that instant, a part of me that never quite wanted to heal after she died that started to mend again. There was so much of Keki in them, Severus, and in some ways she'll live through them and the forest she loved for all time, I know that now. But there is another part of my life that I yearn for so much more, and that's the one with you in it, and I want it fully and completely and without regret or reasons to hold back. Severus, will you marry me?"

Severus blinked at her, stunned by the question and not quite sure at first how to answer.

"We are already married, Jennifer," he said quietly.

"No, we're not, not really," Jennifer said. "We're just going through the motions and pretending to be married, saying it and sometimes acting it but not actually being it, and I'm not just talking about lack of intimacy, either, Severus. We spend time together but it's more like casual dates than anything. You wear a ring, and I don't. You make all the decisions for the children while I merely stand there for support, and as close as I get to you, I'm still the outsider in your life who you don't feel knows you well enough to come to when you need someone to talk to. At the same time, you tiptoe around me as if I'm going to break, and you insist our relationship go no farther until I know you better while putting up walls to keep me from doing just that. I had enough pretending with Mark. To play this game with someone I truly love and know loves me is nothing short of a tragedy. Yes, we were married, and perhaps we still are, legally, but I think you know as well as I do that we can't possibly ever feel like it again unless we do it over. Will you not even consider it?"

Severus gazed at her for a long time, the love and sincerity so prevalent in her eyes, just as his passion and dedication to her poured through his.

"It will have to be small," he said at last.

"As small as you like," Jennifer smiled.

"And as quiet as possible, I'd rather it not turned into a spectacle."

"No spectacles or fiascos allowed," Jennifer agreed.

"And if you don't mind, I'd rather wait until then… for certain things…"

"Yes, I knew that one was coming," Jennifer admitted dryly. "Look, all that's really important is whether or not we're ready to commit to each other again, and I know I am ready. Are you?"

"Yes," Severus said simply, and Jennifer found herself taking another roller coaster in his thoughts, and she broke into a joyous smile as he leaned over to kiss her.

The students couldn't help but notice the change to Madame Craw the next day as she came into the classroom in such an extremely good mood that Aurelius began to brood all the more. There was an energy to her movements that there hadn't been before, and such enthusiasm in her work that even the other staff members turned their heads wondering over the change.

Andrew noticed subtle changes in his father as well. As stern as he was in class, his snapping didn't seem to have its normal bite, and when they turned to their reading and he sat at his desk he seemed more relaxed than he had been, even tolerating Rasputin lumbering around the classroom whenever he felt like instead of tucking him out of sight. Of course, most of the class didn't seem keen on the addition of the Professor's rather dangerous familiar stalking around the classroom, but Andrew knew the lizard well enough to know not to fear him, even when Rasputin decided to come and lay underneath their desk for a quick nap, Halbert having a hard time keeping his eyes on his paper so curious he was about the basilisk under their feet.

"My familiar is not a foot stool, Mr. Snape," Professor Snape said, Andrew sheepishly pulling his feet back.

"Sorry, sir," Andrew said quietly. The professor put down his quill as he checked the time, standing up to get the class's undivided attention.

"Tomorrow we'll have a guest in this classroom. Madame Craw has requested to observe some of the other classes in order to perfect her teaching techniques," he announced, Andrew and Halbert exchanging a glance at that. "Therefore, I'll be holding a lecture and small demonstration. I will be keeping a paper tally of point additions and deductions during the class, which I will report to you our next class period together. Anyone who ends up on that list can expect double the normal point deduction for any offenses there may be, so I suggest unless you really want to get on my bad side that all of you try very hard not to get on that list," he warned them with a flash in his black eyes. "Class dismissed."

"Sounds as if your father doesn't want your mother to know just how many points he deducts during a class," Halbert couldn't help but comment on their way out. "Think he'll be his rotten… er… I mean his strict old self with her in the classroom?"

"It's all right, Halbert, you can say rotten," Andrew sighed. "I admit he's not the easiest teacher to get along with, although it is obvious he knows what he's doing."

"He's not the easiest sparring judge either from what I've seen," Halbert added. "I hope I don't end up in his ring tonight, not that I'm not likely to be out of the tournament after tonight anyhow."

"You just need more practice," Andrew said. "I thought you did rather well that match considering you never sparred before."

"Really?" Halbert said wistfully. "You know, maybe I'll join the sparring club for real next year. I think I kind of like it."

Andrew merely sighed and shook his head with a smile. He wasn't in any way looking forward to the evening, and sure enough when they went to look at the board that night he was paired with the one he had been dreading; Ginger Davidson. But he wasn't the only one less than enthusiastic about the tournament board. Stewart shook his head when he saw he was paired with Xavier.

"Well, this is going to be the shortest tournament I've ever been in," Stewart sighed as he came back over to the bench.

"Don't worry, I'll be out with you," Halbert said, patting his back comfortingly. Stewart gave Halbert a look indicating just how completely he failed at the attempt to cheer him up.

"I suppose I'll be able to finally catch up with my studying," Stewart sighed. "Andrew, you did fantastic last week, you'll be fine, don't worry. Conner, who are you paired with?"

"Thomas Weller," Conner grumbled, "Another Slytherin."

"Well at least he didn't pair you with Rose, that's what I was half expecting," Stewart sighed.

"I have Carey Minster," Rose said, "and I'm in Snape's ring again."

"Same," Stewart nodded.

"Not I," Conner said dourly. "Lucky me. I'm in Brittle's ring." Stewart looked over at his solemn face thoughtfully.

"You ever find out what all that was all about?" Stewart asked him in a low voice. Conner shook his head. "Well, hopefully whatever chip was on her shoulder she's forgotten about by now. Either way, I'd be extra careful if I were you."

"What exactly happened that Quidditch game, anyhow?" Andrew asked curiously. But before he got an answer his name was called, and reluctantly Andrew grabbed his wand and walked towards the ring. Ginger was already there in the ring, testing some wand moves with complete confidence when he stepped up, watching her warily.

"Let's not be all night about it, Mr. Snape? I'm not likely to be so lenient this time," Professor Snape warned in a bored tone, not even looking at him as he said it. Grimacing slightly, Andrew climbed in, smiling shyly at Ginger who grinned back at him full force, nodding politely.

Andrew tried to relax as they took their positions, already mulling over the short list of spells that his father had approved him to use for the match. Any one of them well placed would easily take out his opponent depending on the situation, and he knew each one of them quite well. But as he turned and took the defensive position ready for her to cast, she didn't. Instead she took on the same defensive position as he had with a slight smile, nodding to him to make the first move. Andrew had no intention of being the first to shoot at a girl, and dared her away, shifting his feet a bit to try to entice her into making move.

"All right, that's enough from both of you!" Severus snapped, standing right next to the ring, glaring at them. "Let's start again, shall we? On the count of three you will both cast your spells. If either of you doesn't cast, you will take an automatic loss, and if neither of you cast I'll disqualify you both and it'll count as one of your losses. Is that clear? Now one, two three!"

Stuck with little choice, Andrew threw off a disarm spell while easily dodging her blast, his own spell causing her to break off and roll aside. But as she came up from the roll a spell was already in the works, casting it as she nimbly got to her feet watching him easily step aside again. How was he doing that? Every time she looked at him he blurred dramatically, making it very difficult to focus on. She was sure whatever it was he was doing was probably not covered in the rules, but she was damned if she was going to let him cheat on a technicality. Suspecting it was some sort of speed potion, Ginger snapped off another spell, but as he dodged she charged him, casting slow spell with her wand barely a foot away from him, and dropping him down on the mat. But Andrew still had his wand in hand and forced himself to his feet, realizing at once he was at a severe disadvantage now. There was no way he would be able to blur himself without outing what he was actually doing. Bravely deciding his only choice now was to take a stand, Andrew rose and cast his spell again with all the power he could muster. But Ginger's slow spell was working against him and she easily saw it coming, twisting out of the way and hitting him full force with a spell that knocked him off his feet and sent him sprawling to the mat, his wand rolling off to the side.

The entire room was silent for a moment, although Andrew wasn't quite sure why. He only noticed the cringe on his father's face, following by a brief but obvious look of disappointment as he nodded to Ginger.

Suddenly the Hufflepuffs began to cheer and talk all at once, mostly chanting, "She beat a Snape! She beat a Snape!"

Ginger shyly offered him a hand up. With as much dignity as he could muster, Andrew took it and shook her hand, bowing graciously to her as he stepped out behind her.

"Ginger! How perfect! No one's ever beat a Snape in the ring, ever!" June MacKay told her as they joined the crowd.

"I know, I can't wait to tell my grandmother," she grinned, "She'll be positively thrilled!"

Not daring to look anywhere but straight ahead, Andrew made his way towards the Gryffindor side of the room, trying to avoid the expressions on his siblings faces right now. Halbert and the rest of his classmates welcomed him back supportively along with a few, "Good matches," and "Tough lucks," but Andrew was painfully aware he had let his house down just as much as his own family.

"I knew I should have never let myself get talked into joining," Andrew murmured, Halbert glancing at him.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Andrew, it's only a game. It's about having fun and learning how to spar, not about winning," Halbert reminded him.

"That's just it, Halbert. I didn't join for the fun or to learn, I came to win for Gryffindor, and now I've only succeeded in letting everyone down," Andrew sighed.

"Nonsense, Andrew, everyone is caught off guard every now and then," Stewart said gently. "All that matters is you do your best, that's support enough. Besides, you're not out until you lose two matches, and with a bit of luck you'll stay in until the rematch at the end. I think you'll be ready for her then," he said encouragingly. Just then Stewart heard his name called. "Time for me to get splatted," Stewart grinned cheerfully. "But maybe I can give him a sting to remember me by, eh?"

Andrew and Halbert were getting ready to go over when they heard Brittle announcing Donovan and Weller. Stewart paused a moment, looking over worriedly. He had so wanted to see that match. Hearing his name barked again, he quickly went to join Xavier in the ring. Andrew, torn between matches, finally picked to stand near Conner's, while Halbert went to see if Stewart could pull off a miracle.

If either Weller or Donovan was nervous about the match, they didn't show it as they bowed to each other and took their places.

"This should be a good match," Rose whispered to Andrew. "Conner is a bit aggressive sometimes though, I hope he's careful."

Andrew quickly saw what she meant as the match started and Conner tried to blast him from the start, pushing an entourage of spells at him while Weller, quite a bit more reserved, neatly blocked each spell with perfect poise, his expression emotionless and methodic as he considered the problem at hand. Nerves of steel that one, Andrew mused, watching as he finally moved in with a precisely cast spell. Conner, although perhaps a bit less refined in technique than his opponent was still an able sparrer, leaping out of the way like a cat as he cast his next spell. The spell, meant to pin its victim to the floor, very nearly succeeded, catching a part of Weller's robe which he quickly had to release before it pulled him down too. Conner smirked with satisfaction but Weller was hardly going to take the near miss easily, casting back a dazzling light spell to momentarily blind Conner.

Immediately he heard a murmur of voices in his head, coming from all around him.

Put it down - put it down - put the wand down now.

"Hey!" Conner said with surprise, shaking the spots out of his eyes. "You're not allowed to do that!"

"What? A simple light spell?" Weller asked innocently.

"That wasn't a simple light spell, that was a suggestion spell! Surely you saw it, Madame Brittle!" Conner complained. "What did you just cast?" he demanded.

"Donovan, you're out of line. You're not judging this match," Brittle told him. "Stop being such a whiner and try to be a good sport."

A chill went down Donovan's back when he heard that, remembering quite clearly her words at the Quidditch match. It wasn't the first time she had used that tone with him, and it too had been geared towards his sportsmanship. What had he done that had gotten her so against him? It was personal, he was quite sure, but unlike the Quidditch game where the team seemed to be in on it, Weller seemed unaware of the bias, merely thinking himself clever enough to pull the wool over the unsuspecting referee. That meant he would be unlikely push his luck, Conner reasoned, but he knew now that he personally couldn't step one foot out of line. To do so would most undoubtedly cause him to lose the match.

The crowd watched with surprise then as Conner's stance straightened and took on a much more standard approach. His normal tactic of wearing down his opponent was brought to an abrupt end in favor of a more conservative routine of blocks and single strikes. Even though his opponents' spells became more and more creative ranging from slippery and clumsiness spells to illusions of scorpions that crawled over his arms (Andrew was quite certain he would have dropped his own wand after that one), Conner stayed with the most basic of spells; in fact every one of them was on the short list that Andrew's father had handed him before agreeing to let him back into the tournament. At last, as Weller was weaving a rather complicated entanglement spell, Conner took a step forward and shouted, "Expelliarmus!" Weller hadn't had the time to break off the spell to block, his own spell landing harmlessly towards the ceiling as he staggered backward with a surprised look on his face and dropped his wand.

A cheer went up as Brittle reluctantly announced him the winner, but then a thin smile played on her lips as the two of them came out of the ring.

"Well done, Donovan," she murmured as he passed her. "Sometimes you can win by their rules."

"Thank you, Madame Brittle, but I think I deserve an explanation as to why you're doing this," Conner said.

She nodded thoughtfully at that, putting his name up on the board and noting the surprise on Severus' face when he saw the name, gazing at her questioningly. She shrugged at him, turning back to Conner.

"My father was a sportsman, Donovan," Brittle said in a voice so low that only Conner could hear. But even in the murmur he didn't miss the disdain in her tone when she said the words 'father' and 'sportsman.' "Of course, his ideas of sport were ones that he couldn't lose, no matter who or what was hurt in the process. What is it like walking into a game that you know you can't win? Perhaps a game that you didn't want to play at all, and then to be toyed with… like a cat does before a kill. You know what is going to happen to the mouse, but does the cat ever feel remorse? Have you ever wondered, Conner, what it would feel like to be that mouse?"

"No, Madame. But I'm not sure what you're getting at," Conner said.

"Stay for the rest of the tournament," Brittle said. "And when you leave here tonight, take a little detour to the front courtyard before you head up," she said, excusing herself to go over and talk to Weller, putting an arm around him as she led him away from some of the other Slytherin. "Good match, Weller, I thought you had it there for a moment," Brittle said. "But if I catch you casting the Coaxing Light curse again, I'm taking it to Dumbledore," she added with a thin smile, patting his back. He chuckled nervously and then grew solemn, nodding slowly.

Danny Brittle went back to judging the rest of the matches with the complete unbiased fairness she had once been known for. Finally her last match was at an end, and with only a quick word to Severus she slipped away, easily beating out the small group of Gryffindors who had stayed; Stewart, Ted, Rose, Andrew, Halbert and Conner, consoling each other's losses and Conner's win companionably while already making plans for a stronger comeback for next year.

"Where are you going, Conner?" Stewart asked curiously when he turned down the stairs instead of up them.

"Just a quick breath of air, I'll only be a moment," he improvised, heading down the stairs. The group stood there looking after him a moment.

"You think he's all right?" Halbert asked thoughtfully.

"Considering he's the only one of us that won tonight I think he deserves a bit of slack," Rose said dryly. "Come on, we'd better head up."

Stewart nodded for them to go on and then went down the stairs to catch up with his friend. He found Conner standing just outside the door, gazing at a small shadow in the snow. Stewart took a step up beside him, squinting as his eyes began to adjust to the moonlight.

"Well, would you look at that, it's a fox!" Stewart said with surprise. "Never seen one of those near the castle before. Probably been put off by the weather, poor thing," he said, glancing at Conner who was still gazing at it, unusually quiet. "I hope you're not going to get any funny ideas of taking the Bridle Club out for hunts now," he joked lightly.

"No," Conner said, his voice sounding a bit strange as he put his hands in his pockets, looking over his friend. "All the sudden hunting just doesn't seem like much of a sport anymore."

"I'm sure you'll change you mind," Stewart said companionably, "the moment summer rolls around, you'll be back into it again."

"Actually, maybe I'll see what Colossus thinks of Polo this year," Conner said at last, turning towards the door.

"Polo?" Stewart laughed at him following behind. "Is there any sport you don't play?"

"There is now," Conner said enigmatically, glancing back to see the fox disappear into the shadows before closing the door behind them.