Insecure
Archive: Fanfiction.net and anyone else who wants it. Just email me and let me know!
Summary: Remus and Sirius attend a party, at which - after a series of unfortunate events - Remus gets very insecure and upset!
Spoilers: Like all of my stories, it's a post the boys leaving Hogwarts,' pre Harry fic!
Rating: R - My first R! Woohoo!!
Disclaimer: They ARE mine! ALL MINE! MWHAHAHA. Don't sue JK - I'm only joking!!
Originally posted: RLSB
Notes: I half wrote this fic about five months ago, and then gave it up as a bad job. I then stumbled across it just a few weeks ago and decided to 'have another go' at it! I hope you think I didn't waste my time!
Dedications: I'd like to thanks my brilliant, brilliant beta Jasmine!
Feedback: Yes please! Feedback is my middle name!
Remus sat at a table in the corner of the room, in the darkness. He could feel it coming. Like the candlelight from the far side of the room, every so often it would flicker across him as he became engrossed in the task of observing his mate.
Sirius Black.
The most handsome and charismatic of wizards; with his ebony locks, olive skin and soul-piercing, violet eyes... a charm and wit that had every woman falling at their knees. Remus easily understood why people loved to flock around Sirius, after all he had fallen for the man himself, but it didn't mean that he liked other people appreciating it.
No. That sounded wrong... like a possessive girlfriend who hated it when her partner talked to another woman. It wasn't like that for him. It didn't stem from his own insecurities. Of course he had insecurities, and they didn't help the situation, however it was much more than that. It was more like instinct. A deep, primal feeling that he had very little, if any, control over.
Remus found the pull towards Sirius, which he had developed following their mating, overwhelming. Like a person's need to eat or sleep, the wolf needed Sirius. He needed to know that Sirius was his. He needed for other people to know that Sirius was his. And that was a commitment he knew Sirius could never return.
He could see him now, immersed in the light, surrounded by people hanging off his every word. He was speaking, perhaps telling a joke as people seemed to be laughing, flashing his prize-winning smile.
Sirius was a beautiful person. In Remus' eyes, he was the sort of person who should have been with a girl. An equally beautiful girl, who he could have a beautiful family with and lead a beautiful life. That was what he deserved. He deserved something so much more superior than being mated to a werewolf.
........
And, in the midst of his thoughts, he saw that there was a girl. She hadn't been there before, but she was most certainly there now.
An exceptionally pretty, blonde haired girl, wearing one of those tiny pieces of material that left very little to the imagination, was touching Sirius - no not touching him, practically molesting him. Either Sirius was enjoying it or he hadn't really noticed, because he wasn't doing anything to stop her.
Why wasn't he stopping her? Didn't Sirius know he was mated?
Remus wanted to do something… stop her somehow. How would he stop her? How could Sirius have forgotten he was taken?
The wolf definitely hadn't forgotten. He knew exactly what he would do.
The wolf wanted to walk over to her. he wanted to hurt her- not just her, all of them. All of them who dared to speak to his mate. He wanted to hurt anyone who had the impudence to think that they could speak to what was his. The wolf would make them know... he would make Sirius know just who he belonged to.
"Remus. Remus."
They would all know then... yes.
"Remus."
........
In between very graphic images, courtesy of the wolf, Remus heard something... someone calling his name.
"Earth to Remus." A soft, light voice... a voice that belonged to Lily Potter... bringing him back.
........
"Lily," rasped Remus. His throat felt dry.
"Day dreaming?" The red-head chortled, taking a seat next to him.
"Something like that," he replied, rubbing his forehead, willing the pictures in his mind away. He didn't notice that Lily was eyeing him curiously.
"Remus, is anything the matter?" There was an undertone of concern in her voice.
"No," Remus said, a little too quickly, almost defensively. Lily studied him, just for a moment.
"Because if there is..."
Remus understood the unfinished sentence, but right now he didn't quite feel like divulging his darkest feelings, even to this very understanding girl.
"I'm fine," he said kindly, but with finality. It was Lily's turn to understand that he didn't want to talk about it, and she apparently did, as she quickly changed the subject.
"Got your drink," Lily smiled, pushing forward a glass of beer.
"Oh yes, er thanks." Gripping the handle, the werewolf brought the glass to his lips, taking just a small sip, allowing the cool liquid to moisten his throat, and then returned it to the table.
"I brought James a drink over too, although why I'm not sure. I've hardly seen him all night."
Remus privately marveled the ease at which Lily spoke. Like him, Lily had been abandoned by James, yet she didn't seem to mind. She was smiling happily, safe in the knowledge that her husband, although he wasn't with her, loved her and was content in their relationship, whereas he was internally tearing himself apart, not feeling that same self security that Lily possessed, envious of that feeling, and envious that he didn't feel so safe in his relationship with Sirius.
Speaking of Sirius, Remus wondered what he was doing now.
"Sorry it took me so long to return, by the way, but the queue at the bar was enormous."
"'S okay..." Remus' voice trailed off as his eyes darted around the room, before re-focusing on his mate.
"You think they would have more staff, especially for Mr. Crouch's Birthday party." Remus nodded, not really listening. Not that Lily seemed to notice. "James told me that they had been planning this for ages - the Ministry I mean - so you think they would have organised a more efficient bar." As Lily continued to voice her opinions on the Ministry's lack of party organisational skills, Remus' thoughts unwillingly returned to where they had left off.
........
She was still there... still touching him.
He must like it.
Was that what Sirius really wanted? Was this his way of telling Remus that he regretted mating with him? Was he trying to show Remus that his worst fears were a reality?
Remus knew he wasn't beautiful like Sirius… or the girl. He was far too thin to begin with; his hair was already starting to grey, not to mention his premature wrinkles. He didn't shine. He didn't stand out. No wonder Sirius was contemplating leaving him.
No. He didn't know that. He didn't actually know that Sirius wanted to leave him. But, then again, Sirius wasn't here. He wasn't sat with him, was he?
........
It was too much. Remus knew he was being ridiculous. He knew it was the wolf making him feel this way, but he just couldn't stand to watch it anymore... he needed to get out of there.
"... And he insisted the cake had these little figures, but apparently they would have had to be imported and-"
"Lily, I've got to go," Remus blurted out.
"Sorry, Remus?" Asked Lily, obviously puzzled as to why Remus was planning to leave, after all she had just brought his drink across.
"I've got to go." Remus stood abruptly, wanting to leave the room as quickly as possible, but as he rose, his legs banged against the table. Lily was already holding her glass of white wine, however Remus' drink was still on the table, and the movement of the table...
It was as if he was watching it in slow motion. He saw the glass jerk its was off the edge of the table, brown liquid splashing over the edges, before it dropped silently through the air to the stone floor, finally shattering loudly into hundreds of tiny shards. Beer and glass went everywhere.
Not everyone looked over - the room was filled with enough noise to absorb a little more - but certainly some of the crowd heard the commotion and turned to see what was happening.
Remus prayed that Sirius hadn't noticed.
"I'm s-sorry," Remus stuttered, starting to feel very light-headed.
"It's only a glass, Remus," Lily tittered with a smile, getting to her feet. "I'll fix it." The red-head took out her wand, but Remus didn't wait to see the results.
"Sorry Lily I... s-sorry." Before Lily could say anything else, he was stumbling away from the table, through the crowd, as he hurried to leave the room.
He had made a fool of himself, in front of everyone... in front of Sirius and that girl.
........
The toilet. Sanctuary.
Remus didn't know if a toilet had ever been referred to as a sanctuary, however the room - which also happened to be the closest room to him - looked like a heaven.
If he had been in full frame of mind, he would have been able to appreciate the room a little more, however even in his mentally diminished state, he couldn't help notice the niceness of the room. It surprisingly smelt fresh, like rose petals... and the furniture... all very delicate and pretty. There wasn't a urinal, but Remus casually thought that it wouldn't be in keeping with the room anyway. Instead, there were several cubicles, the end one looking extremely appealing.
........
Locking the door, Remus sat down on the white, porcelain lid and slumping forward, his head weighing heavily in his palms.
He couldn't believe what he had just done. Smashing the glass, running out of the room.
Why? Why had he overreacted to such an extent? Sirius had only been talking... and he'd only smashed a glass... It wasn't like he was the first person in the world to smash a glass. So why had it all effected him like that? Why had he felt the need to run away? Why was he such an idiot?
In the depths of his mind a familiar childhood taunt chillingly echoed.
Loony, loopy Lupin.'
Perhaps the poltergeist had been right. No sane human being would have acted like that. But that was it exactly. No sane human. Well, he wasn't human.
........
The door creaked as it swung open.
It wasn't like he was expecting to be alone in the toilets for long - it was a public convenience after all. However, what he wasn't expecting was the sound of two very feminine voices, and when he heard them, he realised something terrible. He was in the ladies toilets.
Of course there was no urinal. He'd run into the wrong bloody toilet. Great. Bloody great.
He couldn't be discovered in the ladies' loo. He couldn't be humiliated twice in as many minutes.
So, forcing himself to utter complete and absolute silence, he quite literally froze. He quieted his breath, tensed all his muscles, and was also about to close his eyes, when the cool shadow of an object or rather a person passed across the door. a very familiar person. He could see her through the millimeter gap in the door.
It was just getting worse. It was her. It was the girl who'd been groping Sirius. He could just about make out the colour of her hair and the dress she had been wearing.
And she wasn't alone. Remus saw a flash of someone else, not enough to make out any physical features, but enough to know there was another presence.
Perhaps at a different time, Remus would have found the situation quite amusing. like that time when - following a successful dung-bombing of the Slytherin Common Room - they'd hidden from Filch, who had been hot on their tails in a near by room. They hadn't expected for Snape and Rosier to enter the room and begin a very personal discussion of that Florence girl, something that had somehow found its way to the Hogwarts gossip mill. However, right now, it wasn't funny... not in the slightest.
Things became decidedly worse and Remus struggled to keep himself from breathing loudly as he heard the tinkling voice of that girl beginning.
"That Sirius Black is dreamy, isn't he?" Said the blonde beauty most likely examining her perfect reflection in the mirror. Remus' breath caught at the name of his mate. She actually had the audacity to talk about Sirius, when he was in the cubical. How dare she.
"He is lovely," the other girl agreed. "But I think he's taken."
"Who by?" Asked the girl in a haughty laugh. "Mr. Glass Smasher in the corner?" Remus imagined her waving her hand dismissively. "Oh sweetie please! That's not competition." A painful lump began to emerge in the werewolf's throat.
"Serena," said the other girl a little sharply, "He's gay." There was a noise, a scraping of a chair as one of them apparently stood up. He hadn't heard anyone sit down.
"Like I can't cure him." A shadow moved passed his cubical towards the exit. "So how do I look?"
"Like you forgot to put on your robes."
"Splendid," replied the blonde.
"Well if you are going to attempt to break up an obviously happy couple, we better get back." Remus could just see the girl - Serena - grinning, exposing a perfect set of pearly whites, before exiting the bathroom, the other girl tagging along behind her.
........
The door closed and he was alone again.
Those familiar feelings of anger and jealousy had amplified, tenfold.
The arrogance of her. How dare she attempt anything with his mate. Sirius belonged to him. They had been mated.
"Mine," he growled ferociously, kicking the cubical door open with such force. He'd show her. He'd show them all.
He'd rip out their throats, delighting in their screams... rejoicing in their blood. There would be so much blood.
........
No.
Remus turned on the cold water tap, lowering his hands beneath the icy flow and splashing it against his burning face, which currently was nothing to the volcano burning inside of him, molten lava bubbling beneath the surface of something that looked so tranquil, something not someone, not many saw him as a person, he was a beast, and right now he knew it more than ever.
But, he couldn't allow the wolf to run rampant in his mind like this. He would never let the wolf indulge in his fantasies... he would never brutally murder a hall of innocent people. he couldn't allow himself and the wolf to wallow in these images. It served no purpose and it certainly wasn't helping him.
........
The cold night's air hit the werewolf's skin, and he inhaled deeply.
Not ready to return to the party, Remus had decided to take refuge outside and now was in the process of slumping to the floor.
The scholar inside him was trying to rationalize with the wolf, but even so, his efforts were halfhearted. It told the wolf it was just acting this way because the moon was waxing, he was just being paranoid. but he couldn't help it, couldn't stop it, no matter how much he wanted to. The wolf had that hold on him, and to a point, he didn't even want to let go of that feeling. In fact all he really wanted was for Sirius to hold him, ignore all the Serena's of this world, or at least make it clear to them that he was quite literally marked property.
........
"Room for two?"
Remus turned his head to see his mate, Sirius, stood on the pavement just feet away from him, the moonlight outlining his silhouette.
The werewolf shrugged his shoulders. Sirius took the gesture as a yes' and knelt down beside him.
"Moony, what are you doing out here?" His voice was soft, soothing if not a little patronizing.
"N-nothing Sirius." He was stuttering again. How more humiliating could this evening get? Remus hadn't stuttered for ages, the last time being about a year ago when he had been forced to visit the Ministry to sign a collection of forms - new werewolf legislation forms. He vividly remembered stuttering throughout the interview, Sirius by his side, glaring at anyone who dared to mock him. Remus had suffered from a slight stutter since school. It hadn't been a problem that constantly affected him, just on occasions when he was feeling particularly upset or embarrassed. His stutter was a complete giveaway.
"You're stuttering, love." Sirius gracefully maneuvered himself from kneeling beside Remus, to sitting next to him.
"I n-noticed." Remus cursed himself inwardly.
"Remus." Sirius' hand sought out that of his mate. "What's the matter, love?"
"Nothing." He said, hoping he sounded truthful, not meeting Sirius' intense gaze.
"Nothing? Really?" Sirius, knew him too well. He could still tell from the tone and avoidance tactics that Remus was just unwilling to elaborate on what was bothering him.
"So you managed to t-tear your eyes away from Serena then." Remus spat, feeling the fury he'd tried so desperately to control erupting towards the surface again, mingled with desperation, desperation to control the wolf and for Sirius to love him. just him.
"Who?" Sirius asked, genuinely surprised at Remus' question.
"You know, Serena. That girl who couldn't stop gro- who couldn't stop gr-gro-" Remus stopped, took a deep breath and tried again. "Who couldn't stop groping you."
"Remus, can I help it if I'm irresistible."
"Remus. Remus I was joking." Sirius said hurriedly, realizing his mistake at once.
"Siri, you d-don't know how hard it is. It was so hard tonight." The emotion caused his voice to tremble and he inwardly cringed.
"What was hard?" Sirius asked, forehead crumpled as he tried to figure out what Remus was trying to say. "Love, please-" He was interrupted by Remus.
"Siri, I know I'm not like you. I'm not special, and I can deal with that. But you are. You're..." He took a deep breath willing himself to be able to say it.
"It must be such a... a b-burden being mated to a werewolf." He eventually stammered.
"Remus."
"Siri, I understand that one day you will realise your folly but the wolf. He's..." Remus clutched at straws, trying to hold himself up, trying to put across what he so desperately wanted to say.
"Remus, please don't do this to yourself." Sirius said in a voice that could be read as either chastising or sympathetic.
"The wolf w-won't understand... d-doesn't understand." He continued, wishing he could speak without getting stuck on his words.
"Wha- Remus, realise my folly? What are you talking about?" Was Remus drunk? Was he drunk? Some of the things coming from Remus' mouth sounded so bizarre to him he wasn't really sure what was going on.
"Siri, I know that I'm no catch." The words were spoken with an almost sad acceptance. "And I'm n-not selling myself short. Bloody hell, Siri, I'm a werewolf." Before Sirius could respond, Remus had stood and walked to face the nearby wall.
He didn't hear Sirius, but he knew that he had been followed. he could feel his presence.
Remus tensed as he felt Sirius' hands tenderly touch his shoulders, coaxing him to turn around.
"Look at me," Sirius commanded.
Hesitantly, Remus looked up.
"I love you, Remus, you know that." He brought his hand to Remus' face, preventing him from turning away, forcing him to return his gaze. "I love everything about you, including the wolf." Remus started to shake his head, but Sirius stopped him.
"No, Remus." There was authority in Sirius' voice. "You will not do this." Remus looked like he wanted to speak... to say something, argue perhaps, but he didn't... not this time.
"And how can you say you don't shine?" Asked Sirius taking a moment to marvel at his lover.
To Sirius, he was beautiful. Large, innocent, amber eyes staring into his. Lips, slightly parted and glistening. Flushed cheeks and windswept hair.
"Merlin, Remus, you're beautiful," Sirius whispered, threading his hands into his mate's hair, cradling Remus' head. "So fucking beautiful." Before Remus had time to disagree, Sirius had pulled him into a fully fledged, mind-blowing kiss.
Sirius parted his lips and encircled his lover's mouth. Then came the tongue. An 'ever so slight' flicker across the werewolf's lips encouraging them to part, and allowing Sirius to continue his assertion. Remus started to experience a familiar light-headed feeling as the blood rushed from his head to his groin, all the while Sirius probing his mouth, sliding his tongue against that of the smaller wizard, exploring every contour. The werewolf was now humming with delight, reveling not only in his lover's skill, but in the ebony-haired wizard's unique taste.
When Sirius pulled back, Remus heard himself letting out a strangled cry.
"Remus," Sirius breathed, lowering his hands to his lover's shoulders, clutching them. "Don't... you ever... doubt... that I love you." He continued to lower his hands, now sliding them down to the werewolf's back, pulling him closer. "Don't ever... doubt... my commitment to you." Sirius pressed his apparent erection against the now painful one of his mate. Remus' stomach fluttered wonderfully. "Look at me," said a whispered voice. Hesitantly, the werewolf obeyed, bringing his amber eyes to meet his lover's face.
"You're not the only one who mated for life, love." Involuntarily, Remus bared a smile. "Love it when you smile. You're so pretty," Sirius murmured as Remus felt the hands of his mate brush over the thin material covering his hips.
Remus swallowed.
"Nothing compared to y-" Before he could finish, Sirius had covered his mouth again, this time placing soft tender bites on the werewolf's bottom lip.
"Love." he said hoarsely between bites, "You... are... beautiful." Sirius' gentle bites moved to the corner of Remus' mouth, then across his cheek, before nuzzling the crook of the werewolf's neck. There was a sharp exhalation past his ear as Remus felt his skin tingle with pleasure. He was now squirming against his lover, arching his hips in silent pleading.
Sirius knew what his lover wanted and slowly sank to the floor, trailing kisses and caresses down Remus' clothed chest and stomach. Remus found himself trembling in anticipation as he felt a heated gaze, burning through his trousers, feasting on his erection.
Sirius moved his head forward, tilting his head to the side, and then rubbing his parted lips along the outline of Remus' cock. He then followed with his perfect set of teeth, intensifying the sensation.
"Siri," moaned Remus, grasping his lover's ebony hair. It was too much. He found himself thrusting his hips forward into the caress of Sirius' mouth and teeth.
"You. Have. Been. A. Very. Silly. Man." Each word was punctuated with a teasing bite along Remus' length.
"Yeesss." Remus hissed, writhing against the sinful mouth, until very suddenly, his mate stopped.
"And unless you assure me that you are going to stop with this silliness, you, Mr. Moony, will not experience anything further tonight." Sirius was now leaning back on his heels.
"I won't... won't be silly," Remus spoke, in a desperately low voice.
"Remus Lupin, you are beautiful and wonderful and I'm nothing but ecstatic to be your mate."
"Merlin, Siri, yes," the werewolf whined, grinding in midair.
"You understand that I would never, never do anything to jeopardise our life together."
"Please."
"Tell me you understand." Sirius spoke quietly now but the seriousness in his voice was quite clear.
"I understand, Sirius. Please. Oh please."
Sirius grinned, obviously satisfied with the answer as he now deftly unfastened the trousers, causing them to slump around the werewolf's ankles, followed by his boxer shorts.
The cold night's air only had a moment to cool the now exposed and quivering cock, before Sirius had swept it into his mouth, deep into his throat.
Remus was now moaning incoherently as his lover moved up and down his length, from tip to root, suckling, licking, biting, sending excruciating waves of pleasure, until Remus was spilling his seed down his lover's throat.
........
As Remus clung desperately onto his lover, as he felt his mate filling him, he found it easier to believe what Sirius had said. He even felt stupid for doubting their love. Sirius did love him, at least, right now, at this very moment, he loved him.
So, they became lost in each other, feeling, sensing only each other... hearing only each other.
In fact, they didn't even hear the screams of shock and disgust, belonging to a certain blonde haired girl, who had left the party, hoping to find a certain Mr. Black, only to discover that he was currently making mad, passionate love to Mr. Glass Smasher in the Corner.'
The End