Who Knows My Secret?
Chapter Four
By: Good Luck Kitten
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I'm lying in bed. Thinking. Life sucks. I'd gone straight to our dorm and changed and waited. One by one I watched them walk in. They would laugh a bit, and joke, and finally they would notice me.
"You okay Remus?" I heard them ask me.
"Yeah... Just tired," I would tell them. They wouldn't understand.
...But Sirius never came back. And I'm growing tenser by the minute. I wonder if he knows... He probably does. He's afraid of coming back because he thinks I'll jump him in the dead of night.
And it hurts that they would spy on me like that. I had wanted to scream and shout at James and Peter when I got back... but somehow... I found I was too exhausted for that. Emotionally exhausted.
I also know that I would never intentionally hurt them. I still care about them. They're my best friends! The people I'd grown up with for the past six years! The people who'd understood me when no one else would. But... It's different this time.
I rolled over restlessly, and punched the pillow. Yep, life officially sucks.
The silence in the room ringed in my ears; I listened harder, trying to find when he would be back. Everyone had long since been asleep and the midnight room favored ghost-like illuminations from the moon outside... Almost a full moon. I shivered in spite of myself.
Come on Remus... Just go to sleep... Worry about it in the morning. I squinted my eyes and tried to forget everything. Which is no easy task, I'll have you know. Maybe he'll never be back. And it's all my fault.
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I'd awaken, obviously late, as no one else was in their beds. And everything was still on my mind.
I don't think I even went to sleep last night. I'd had horrible flashbacks of the conversation, me walking away, me kicking a wall, and me... All around pissed off. And all I felt was sad.
The sky outside my window was bright blue and large cumulus clouds scattered in odd little shapes above. And the sun! The sun shone blazingly.
Bloody hell!! Who was the dumbass who decided sunlight was ALLOWED on days when people were in sour moods?!
Though I'm sure James is happy... Perfect quidditch weather I could imagine him saying.
...I'm tired of thinking!!! I'm going to go insane!!! I sat up straight in bed and forced my eyes open. Blinded for a few moments, I blinked rapidly, trying to get adjusted to the light.
I need to find Lily. Yep. She'll help me work it out... Or maybe she'll just be really mad at me for screwing everything up, and leave me to rot as an outcast for the rest of my life? Hm. Probably the latter.
I pulled on some jeans and a sweater real quick, not worrying about robes as it was a weekend and bounded down the stairs. I looked around quickly at the common room before me... There was something odd about it, something different. ...It was strangely quiet, empty, and basically devoid of anything living, breathing, and/or moving. Yep, odd.
I decided it was still breakfast. Though that wouldn't explain why things seemed so different, and besides, some kids skipped breakfast to finish their homework. Well... Maybe it was a really important breakfast or something.
I left through the portrait-hole, noting that the fat-lady was gone, so I wouldn't be able to get back in for a while. Around the corner I heard eruptions of giggles, and knew at once it was either a bunch of Gryffindor girls (and where there were Gryffindor girls, there was always Lily) or a bunch of Hufflepuffs... Didn't matter whether they were boys or girls, they all giggled.
I walked solemnly towards the voices, marching to my doomsday. Lily would surely be very angry with me...
The voices suddenly stopped, astoundingly all in unison, and I could feel all eyes on me. I frowned, knowing my appearance must be frightening. Bags under my eyes, rumpled clothes and hair, and a slumped dead expression on my face. Though... To me it wasn't a dead expression; that's the way my face naturally looks. But people always tell me so, so I know. Oh Merlin!! I'm the Hogwarts freak show!! I wonder how they would feel if they knew what I really was.
"Remus?!?! What's happened to you?!" Yep, deeeeefinately Gryffindor girls. Lily burst out of the crowd of on-lookers with speculation on her brow.
"I should really start charging people... Five cents sound good to you Lil?" I mumbled to her as she ran up to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
"What?!" She doesn't understand either. Stupid people. "...You look like shit!" I blinked at her, perturbed. Then I found myself laughing. And I couldn't stop. Everyone was staring at me, but it didn't matter.
"Ge-ee t-thanks, Lil-y!!"
She'd obviously thought the situation just got worse, because she then starting making little shoosh-ing noises like the kind you give to babies when they're crying, and began guiding me away from the crowd. Which was good, because there's only so much one battered Remus can take.
"What's wrong?" she whispered as we ambled down an empty corridor. I was still in the process of smothering my laughter, and couldn't answer her.
"Si-r-ri-us," I spouted sporadically, laughing between each syllable. "w- we" Insert more maniacal laughing here. "we g-got in-to" Ahh!!! I can't stop laughing!!!!
"REMUS!! Shut the bloody hell up!!!" I stopped abruptly, not expecting her outburst. Wide-eyed, I stared at her.
"Now" She took a deep breath, "Tell me CALMLY, what happened."
"Well... Ya see... Eh heh. Sirius and I got into a fight. Well... Actually I just got mad at him."
"You WHAT?!?!" Lily screeched. Yep, I knew it! TEN POINTS FOR REMUS THE PSYCHOTIC!!! Er... psychic I mean. Of course. Silly mistake really. "How did you... Why? ...Whiiiie?!"
Lily bent sank down to her knees in a very melodramatic way, whimpering and choking.
"Erm... I'm sorry?"
"No!! Tell me what happened! Why did you get angry?!" She desperately begged, grabbing my pant-leg in a mad lust for information.
I hesitated... Should I tell Lily? It would certainly save me from her wrath... She'd let go of my pant-leg, and was now in a fetal position rocking back and forth.
"Lily... They've been spying on us. I think... They know. I didn't see Sirius at all last night, or this morning."
Lily was horrified as she looked up from her crouch. "They HAVEN'T!!! Say they haven't Remus!! Wait! No... no... I was talking to James last night... He didn't act like... Remus, are you sure they know?!"
I sat down next to her, tired of standing, on top of everything else. "I... I don't know. No one was there this morning... I guess they didn't act strange last night... But Sirius never came back. I didn't sleep at all..."
She looked at me, hopeful once more. "Remus... Go get some sleep. You're lucky it's a Saturday. Just... I'll do some spying and eavesdropping myself and find out the truth. Until then, try not to worry Remus. It'll be okay... You must really like him then." She smiled sadly.
"He's lucky!" she joked, and I smiled back. I suppose I could calm down for a bit... I really need the sleep. "Alright... Good night, Lily."
She slowly got up from the ground, brushing off her clothes. Which was silly really, considering Filch kept the halls impeccably clean.
"Oh, and remember Remus! Today is Halloween." She grinned excitedly, and dashed off.
I stood alone in the corridor, watching the place where she once stood. How could I forget it was Halloween?! That would explain the strange common room. In my stupor I must've not noticed the decorations. And no wonder... Everyone was gone, out getting ready for the party.
Heavily, I sighed. I didn't want to go to sleep... I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts anymore. Sometimes I think that if I just told him, or anyone, it would make my like easier, albeit more miserable. But I would do what Lily wanted me to, for she seemed to have the control on my life that I lacked.
Lily and James really were meant for each other. She could certainly keep a tight rein on him, and he definitely wouldn't mind. I wish I were so sure of the one I loved.
I shuffled away from the Fat Lady portrait (knowing she probably wouldn't be back anyway), willing someone to come talk to me so I wouldn't have to go back. Some of that bright sunshine was what I needed to bring a bit of light back into my life, I decided.
Staring at my feet, I kept steady pace, despite the lesson I should've learned by now. Some lessons you never want to learn no matter how many times you fall on your ass.
And suddenly, I was on my ass again.
"Remus?" I looked up, tiredly, to see Sirius staring down at me. He looked as bad as I knew I looked, with dark eyes and rumpled air. Yet, Sirius could never look bad, and his slightly surprised face was endearing to my eyes. Oh Merlin, I'm so far under.
"Sirius... You never came back last night."
He scrubbed a hand through his hair. "...I got locked out last night... So I went to the shack."
Oh.
So that's the answer... None of that, 'I was devastated that you were so angry with me, and I couldn't live with myself knowing that you might be, so I came back to tell you I'm sorry and snog you senseless.' Ahem. Sorry, my imagination gets away with me sometimes.
"Are you still mad at me?" He asked me with such a hopeful look in his eyes I could have laughed.
"I will be if you don't help me up!" I snapped reaching up my hand. He grasped it tightly, and I shivered, but that was soon lost as he pulled me up. "One question Sirius. Do you know?"
Sirius frowned. "I can only guess Remus, old pal."
Then... He didn't know. Letting out a breathe I hadn't known I'd been holding, I smiled weakly at him. "Good. Then I'm not angry with you."
I melted under his smile, the deliciousness making me want to scream. "You look like you could use some sleep, Moony." He chuckled and I blushed at my perverseness. He must not have seen the double-meaning there...
"I could say the same for you," I mumbled.
"Me? I just need a shower and I'll be all right. Sleeping there by yourself isn't the most fun thing in the world."
I blushed again. Oh Merlin!!! I'm turning as perverted as Sirius himself! It was unrighteous to be thinking those thoughts. Escape seemed imperative, before I made a fool of myself.
Inching away, and against the wall, I tried to come up with another lame excuse. "Well, have fun then, good night." I blushed redder at my words, and dashed off down the hall. Screw sunlight.
"Good night!" he called after me. But I was already around the corner, trying to catch my breathe. I really need to get a hold of myself! If I started getting googly-eyed everytime Sirius was around, I'd never survive...
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Once again, in a place where our poor Remus can only wish he could be, were the other three marauders, laughing evilly. In perfect unison, oddly enough.
Anyway, Sirius busied himself with stirring a cauldron in the middle of a dark passageway, while James plopped in a few sprinkles every once in a while, and Peter hovered nearby. They were sure no one would find them there, as it was one they knew was rarely used.
"Are you sure this will work?" Peter asked, nervously looking at the mush of grayish goo stirring around.
"Has then ever been a potion that Sirius and I couldn't conquer, before, Peter?" James stated, matter-of-factly.
"Well... I suppose..."
"What exactly is our plan on this anyway, James? Do I get to be Lily?" Sirius asked, with an unusual smile on his face.
James was shocked for a moment, and stopped his sprinkling before snapping, "Hell no! No one's gonna be Lily but me! ...I'll change into her for the dance tonight, ask Remus a few questions, and we'll know all the answers, got it?"
"How is that fair?"
"Easy, like this: It's fair! ...Besides... I don't want either of you sneaking peaks at Lily while you're her..." James shivered in spite of himself. "She's mine."
Sirius and Peter looked at him dubiously. "If you ask me, she hates you lad... But suit yourself... You'll be the one to pay for it when she finds out."
"She won't find out! Here... I just gotta add in her hair, and we'll be done, mkay?"
"Alright" Sirius agreed, and ladled out a cup for James.
Peter and Sirius watched with interest as James meticulously pulled a phial out of his robes and added the hair from within to the concoction. Then, holding his nose from the stench, he took a huge gulp and began to gag. James dropped the glass, its contents shattering on the dirt, and held his throat as he changed. His long fingers thinned out and became delicately manicured. His sharp face bubbled and shifted into the sweet heart-shaped Lily's, his hazel eyes turned acid green. Lastly, his jet- black hair grew and lightened a brilliant red.
"Oh Merlin..." Peter whispered as he and Sirius gawked at the Lily look-alike before them. James, er... Lily straightened himself and smiled. Then, of course, loosing his masculinity finally kicked in.
"Holy shit!! I have boobs!!" James exclaimed, pulling out his robe, and looking down his shirt, then looking up horrified again. "I... I feel so... Empty," he whined, placing a hand over his crotch.
"It's your own fault little missy," Sirius laughed, poking James in the chest. "We need to hurry; we don't have much time, remember?"
"Fine," James sighed, pulling off his robe to change into one of Lily's dress ones.
"I don't think this is gonna go over well guys," Peter hesitated.
"I'll be fine," James reassured him, turning around. "How do I look?"
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AN: Ha!! This one was longer than the rest!! ^__^ See? The wait was worth it...kinda? . Hrm... I dunno what it is, but AKANinaBlack's reviews seem to be the ones to get me kicked back in gear. Heh heh. So everyone thank her again, lmao. Well see here? There wasn't much to worry about Sirius and Remus being mad at eachother... Though I do hope to address that more in the next chapter (which is already about half done, psst). So erm... This one isn't too bad a cliffie is it? . Anywho, PLEASE REVIEW!! Woo!
--GLK
Chapter Four
By: Good Luck Kitten
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I'm lying in bed. Thinking. Life sucks. I'd gone straight to our dorm and changed and waited. One by one I watched them walk in. They would laugh a bit, and joke, and finally they would notice me.
"You okay Remus?" I heard them ask me.
"Yeah... Just tired," I would tell them. They wouldn't understand.
...But Sirius never came back. And I'm growing tenser by the minute. I wonder if he knows... He probably does. He's afraid of coming back because he thinks I'll jump him in the dead of night.
And it hurts that they would spy on me like that. I had wanted to scream and shout at James and Peter when I got back... but somehow... I found I was too exhausted for that. Emotionally exhausted.
I also know that I would never intentionally hurt them. I still care about them. They're my best friends! The people I'd grown up with for the past six years! The people who'd understood me when no one else would. But... It's different this time.
I rolled over restlessly, and punched the pillow. Yep, life officially sucks.
The silence in the room ringed in my ears; I listened harder, trying to find when he would be back. Everyone had long since been asleep and the midnight room favored ghost-like illuminations from the moon outside... Almost a full moon. I shivered in spite of myself.
Come on Remus... Just go to sleep... Worry about it in the morning. I squinted my eyes and tried to forget everything. Which is no easy task, I'll have you know. Maybe he'll never be back. And it's all my fault.
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I'd awaken, obviously late, as no one else was in their beds. And everything was still on my mind.
I don't think I even went to sleep last night. I'd had horrible flashbacks of the conversation, me walking away, me kicking a wall, and me... All around pissed off. And all I felt was sad.
The sky outside my window was bright blue and large cumulus clouds scattered in odd little shapes above. And the sun! The sun shone blazingly.
Bloody hell!! Who was the dumbass who decided sunlight was ALLOWED on days when people were in sour moods?!
Though I'm sure James is happy... Perfect quidditch weather I could imagine him saying.
...I'm tired of thinking!!! I'm going to go insane!!! I sat up straight in bed and forced my eyes open. Blinded for a few moments, I blinked rapidly, trying to get adjusted to the light.
I need to find Lily. Yep. She'll help me work it out... Or maybe she'll just be really mad at me for screwing everything up, and leave me to rot as an outcast for the rest of my life? Hm. Probably the latter.
I pulled on some jeans and a sweater real quick, not worrying about robes as it was a weekend and bounded down the stairs. I looked around quickly at the common room before me... There was something odd about it, something different. ...It was strangely quiet, empty, and basically devoid of anything living, breathing, and/or moving. Yep, odd.
I decided it was still breakfast. Though that wouldn't explain why things seemed so different, and besides, some kids skipped breakfast to finish their homework. Well... Maybe it was a really important breakfast or something.
I left through the portrait-hole, noting that the fat-lady was gone, so I wouldn't be able to get back in for a while. Around the corner I heard eruptions of giggles, and knew at once it was either a bunch of Gryffindor girls (and where there were Gryffindor girls, there was always Lily) or a bunch of Hufflepuffs... Didn't matter whether they were boys or girls, they all giggled.
I walked solemnly towards the voices, marching to my doomsday. Lily would surely be very angry with me...
The voices suddenly stopped, astoundingly all in unison, and I could feel all eyes on me. I frowned, knowing my appearance must be frightening. Bags under my eyes, rumpled clothes and hair, and a slumped dead expression on my face. Though... To me it wasn't a dead expression; that's the way my face naturally looks. But people always tell me so, so I know. Oh Merlin!! I'm the Hogwarts freak show!! I wonder how they would feel if they knew what I really was.
"Remus?!?! What's happened to you?!" Yep, deeeeefinately Gryffindor girls. Lily burst out of the crowd of on-lookers with speculation on her brow.
"I should really start charging people... Five cents sound good to you Lil?" I mumbled to her as she ran up to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
"What?!" She doesn't understand either. Stupid people. "...You look like shit!" I blinked at her, perturbed. Then I found myself laughing. And I couldn't stop. Everyone was staring at me, but it didn't matter.
"Ge-ee t-thanks, Lil-y!!"
She'd obviously thought the situation just got worse, because she then starting making little shoosh-ing noises like the kind you give to babies when they're crying, and began guiding me away from the crowd. Which was good, because there's only so much one battered Remus can take.
"What's wrong?" she whispered as we ambled down an empty corridor. I was still in the process of smothering my laughter, and couldn't answer her.
"Si-r-ri-us," I spouted sporadically, laughing between each syllable. "w- we" Insert more maniacal laughing here. "we g-got in-to" Ahh!!! I can't stop laughing!!!!
"REMUS!! Shut the bloody hell up!!!" I stopped abruptly, not expecting her outburst. Wide-eyed, I stared at her.
"Now" She took a deep breath, "Tell me CALMLY, what happened."
"Well... Ya see... Eh heh. Sirius and I got into a fight. Well... Actually I just got mad at him."
"You WHAT?!?!" Lily screeched. Yep, I knew it! TEN POINTS FOR REMUS THE PSYCHOTIC!!! Er... psychic I mean. Of course. Silly mistake really. "How did you... Why? ...Whiiiie?!"
Lily bent sank down to her knees in a very melodramatic way, whimpering and choking.
"Erm... I'm sorry?"
"No!! Tell me what happened! Why did you get angry?!" She desperately begged, grabbing my pant-leg in a mad lust for information.
I hesitated... Should I tell Lily? It would certainly save me from her wrath... She'd let go of my pant-leg, and was now in a fetal position rocking back and forth.
"Lily... They've been spying on us. I think... They know. I didn't see Sirius at all last night, or this morning."
Lily was horrified as she looked up from her crouch. "They HAVEN'T!!! Say they haven't Remus!! Wait! No... no... I was talking to James last night... He didn't act like... Remus, are you sure they know?!"
I sat down next to her, tired of standing, on top of everything else. "I... I don't know. No one was there this morning... I guess they didn't act strange last night... But Sirius never came back. I didn't sleep at all..."
She looked at me, hopeful once more. "Remus... Go get some sleep. You're lucky it's a Saturday. Just... I'll do some spying and eavesdropping myself and find out the truth. Until then, try not to worry Remus. It'll be okay... You must really like him then." She smiled sadly.
"He's lucky!" she joked, and I smiled back. I suppose I could calm down for a bit... I really need the sleep. "Alright... Good night, Lily."
She slowly got up from the ground, brushing off her clothes. Which was silly really, considering Filch kept the halls impeccably clean.
"Oh, and remember Remus! Today is Halloween." She grinned excitedly, and dashed off.
I stood alone in the corridor, watching the place where she once stood. How could I forget it was Halloween?! That would explain the strange common room. In my stupor I must've not noticed the decorations. And no wonder... Everyone was gone, out getting ready for the party.
Heavily, I sighed. I didn't want to go to sleep... I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts anymore. Sometimes I think that if I just told him, or anyone, it would make my like easier, albeit more miserable. But I would do what Lily wanted me to, for she seemed to have the control on my life that I lacked.
Lily and James really were meant for each other. She could certainly keep a tight rein on him, and he definitely wouldn't mind. I wish I were so sure of the one I loved.
I shuffled away from the Fat Lady portrait (knowing she probably wouldn't be back anyway), willing someone to come talk to me so I wouldn't have to go back. Some of that bright sunshine was what I needed to bring a bit of light back into my life, I decided.
Staring at my feet, I kept steady pace, despite the lesson I should've learned by now. Some lessons you never want to learn no matter how many times you fall on your ass.
And suddenly, I was on my ass again.
"Remus?" I looked up, tiredly, to see Sirius staring down at me. He looked as bad as I knew I looked, with dark eyes and rumpled air. Yet, Sirius could never look bad, and his slightly surprised face was endearing to my eyes. Oh Merlin, I'm so far under.
"Sirius... You never came back last night."
He scrubbed a hand through his hair. "...I got locked out last night... So I went to the shack."
Oh.
So that's the answer... None of that, 'I was devastated that you were so angry with me, and I couldn't live with myself knowing that you might be, so I came back to tell you I'm sorry and snog you senseless.' Ahem. Sorry, my imagination gets away with me sometimes.
"Are you still mad at me?" He asked me with such a hopeful look in his eyes I could have laughed.
"I will be if you don't help me up!" I snapped reaching up my hand. He grasped it tightly, and I shivered, but that was soon lost as he pulled me up. "One question Sirius. Do you know?"
Sirius frowned. "I can only guess Remus, old pal."
Then... He didn't know. Letting out a breathe I hadn't known I'd been holding, I smiled weakly at him. "Good. Then I'm not angry with you."
I melted under his smile, the deliciousness making me want to scream. "You look like you could use some sleep, Moony." He chuckled and I blushed at my perverseness. He must not have seen the double-meaning there...
"I could say the same for you," I mumbled.
"Me? I just need a shower and I'll be all right. Sleeping there by yourself isn't the most fun thing in the world."
I blushed again. Oh Merlin!!! I'm turning as perverted as Sirius himself! It was unrighteous to be thinking those thoughts. Escape seemed imperative, before I made a fool of myself.
Inching away, and against the wall, I tried to come up with another lame excuse. "Well, have fun then, good night." I blushed redder at my words, and dashed off down the hall. Screw sunlight.
"Good night!" he called after me. But I was already around the corner, trying to catch my breathe. I really need to get a hold of myself! If I started getting googly-eyed everytime Sirius was around, I'd never survive...
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Once again, in a place where our poor Remus can only wish he could be, were the other three marauders, laughing evilly. In perfect unison, oddly enough.
Anyway, Sirius busied himself with stirring a cauldron in the middle of a dark passageway, while James plopped in a few sprinkles every once in a while, and Peter hovered nearby. They were sure no one would find them there, as it was one they knew was rarely used.
"Are you sure this will work?" Peter asked, nervously looking at the mush of grayish goo stirring around.
"Has then ever been a potion that Sirius and I couldn't conquer, before, Peter?" James stated, matter-of-factly.
"Well... I suppose..."
"What exactly is our plan on this anyway, James? Do I get to be Lily?" Sirius asked, with an unusual smile on his face.
James was shocked for a moment, and stopped his sprinkling before snapping, "Hell no! No one's gonna be Lily but me! ...I'll change into her for the dance tonight, ask Remus a few questions, and we'll know all the answers, got it?"
"How is that fair?"
"Easy, like this: It's fair! ...Besides... I don't want either of you sneaking peaks at Lily while you're her..." James shivered in spite of himself. "She's mine."
Sirius and Peter looked at him dubiously. "If you ask me, she hates you lad... But suit yourself... You'll be the one to pay for it when she finds out."
"She won't find out! Here... I just gotta add in her hair, and we'll be done, mkay?"
"Alright" Sirius agreed, and ladled out a cup for James.
Peter and Sirius watched with interest as James meticulously pulled a phial out of his robes and added the hair from within to the concoction. Then, holding his nose from the stench, he took a huge gulp and began to gag. James dropped the glass, its contents shattering on the dirt, and held his throat as he changed. His long fingers thinned out and became delicately manicured. His sharp face bubbled and shifted into the sweet heart-shaped Lily's, his hazel eyes turned acid green. Lastly, his jet- black hair grew and lightened a brilliant red.
"Oh Merlin..." Peter whispered as he and Sirius gawked at the Lily look-alike before them. James, er... Lily straightened himself and smiled. Then, of course, loosing his masculinity finally kicked in.
"Holy shit!! I have boobs!!" James exclaimed, pulling out his robe, and looking down his shirt, then looking up horrified again. "I... I feel so... Empty," he whined, placing a hand over his crotch.
"It's your own fault little missy," Sirius laughed, poking James in the chest. "We need to hurry; we don't have much time, remember?"
"Fine," James sighed, pulling off his robe to change into one of Lily's dress ones.
"I don't think this is gonna go over well guys," Peter hesitated.
"I'll be fine," James reassured him, turning around. "How do I look?"
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AN: Ha!! This one was longer than the rest!! ^__^ See? The wait was worth it...kinda? . Hrm... I dunno what it is, but AKANinaBlack's reviews seem to be the ones to get me kicked back in gear. Heh heh. So everyone thank her again, lmao. Well see here? There wasn't much to worry about Sirius and Remus being mad at eachother... Though I do hope to address that more in the next chapter (which is already about half done, psst). So erm... This one isn't too bad a cliffie is it? . Anywho, PLEASE REVIEW!! Woo!
--GLK