Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Hans the Pool Boy or even a working toilet at this point. But one day, one day, I will have a flushable toilet and then... I will rule the earth with my evil-toilet-controlling ways! Mwahaha! Ahem... I'm really sorry, I really get all worked up about the lousy, good-for-nothing toilet I have. But, then again, that's what e- bay's for...
Chapter 3: Disco Inferno
Harry wasn't sure what was going on, but he really didn't care what involved glowing yellow and neon pink paint and a dancing yet disturbing anteaters. He decided to change in the Gryffindor dormitory rather than have to endure curious passersby watching him.
All the sudden, for reasons unknown, Ron, Hermione and a strangely handsome yet familiar man/boy stood in front of him, blocking his way to the castle.
"Ron! Hermione! Strangely Handsome Yet Familiar Man/Boy!" Harry exclaimed.
"It's 'Hans,' Harry." Hermione sternly corrected him.
"Harry! Harry, you'll never believe what Hermione's decided to do!" Ron ejaculated loudly.
"What?"
"She's going to ask Dumbledore if Hans can be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" Ron yelled incredulously.
"Wait, wait, wait. Is Hans even a wizard or have any credentials at all?" Harry inquired from Hermione.
Hermione contemplated this question for a very long time. So long in fact, by the time she did speak, Harry was busy flirting with a random seventh year and Hans the Pool Boy had gone off in search of pools to protect from the overbearing. To protect for the weak and those trampled underfoot. Yes, Hans the Pool Boy, saving public pools/bathing facilities from polluting old men in tight Speedos and little pool-soiling children. Everywhere a pool is in danger or being controlled by demonic pool-dwelling mice, Hans the Pool Boy is there to say the day!
"No," Hermione finally responded.
"No previous recommendations? College degrees? Community service hours? Tutoring children falling behind in Algebra or the languages?"
"No, I don't think so, but he's hot so who cares?" Hermione said enthusiastically.
Harry definitely agreed. So it was decided that they take to now missing Hans the Super Pool Boy up to Dumbledore's office and see if he would take Hans on as the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.
INTERMISSION
I know, I know, right hat the pinnacle point of the story, eh? Well, too bad! Mwahahaha!
Shot to Darth Vader.
Random Person Out of View: Wrong set!
Shot back to Voldemort.
Voldemort: Ahem, thank you. Oh, by the way Har-Har, I got re-married.
Harry: WHAT?
Voldemort: Yes, she's really quite nice. A little strict, but I think you'll like her.
Harry: You got remarried without telling me?!
Voldemort: I only just found out you were my son five minutes ago!
Harry: That was never five minutes!
Voldemort: Sorry, I'm not allowed to argue.
Harry: But that was never five minutes!
Voldemort whistles.
Harry: Why not?
Voldemort: Your step-mother wishes to speak to you.
END OF INTERMISSION
The mismatching and rather idiotic foursome skipped stupidly across the open grounds and toward the grand steps that led into the castle. As Harry reached to open one of the gargantuan doors, he suddenly felt the overpowering sense of foreboding (MAJOR foreshadowing, guys). But, he ignored the sensation and the sudden pain in his scar even though every time he feels pain in his scar, something really bad happens shortly afterwards. We can safely say now, that Harry is an incompetent jock who, apparently, is a very slow learner. But, anyway, Harry pulled the door open with an ominous loud creak to see...
Darkness shrouding the entire entrance way. Nobody, not even an anomalous ghost was to be seen...until Harry crossed the threshold.
Suddenly, the lights went on accompanied by strobe lights and several disco balls gleaming in the brightness. The song Disco Inferno also played.
"What the-?"
"CONGRATULATIONS!" a voice sounded somewhere above. "YOU ARE THE MILLIONTH STUDENT TO WALK THROUGH THOSE DOORS INTO HOGWARTS!"
A huge roar of applause followed this outrageous announcement. It seemed the entire school had turned up for this completely pointless event.
"AND TO CELEBRATE, DRINKS ALL AROUND!"
Ever student and staff member there was now holding a bottle of some alcoholic substance. I seemed the anonymous voice had decided to do away with that watered down butter beer stuff and replace it with Budweiser, Michelob, Coors (light), and, for no real reason, Chiang Beer.
'Wow' Harry thought, 'I'm the millionth student to walk through those doors. Hehe, good thing I went in first.' At this, his excitement increased fifteen-fold. So much in fact, he decided to do something very stupid.
"FOSHIZZLE!"
I can tell you now, that everyone stopped talking and looked at Harry. They all had the same strange expression on their faces.
Filch put his hand on Harry's shoulder and looked sadly into his eyes, "Naw, man, naw." And everybody left, muttering.
The so-suddenly distracted foursome regained their drive, somewhat, and began once again for Dumbledore's office, only to run right into him next to the girls lavatories.
"Professor!" Hermione said, surprised. "We- we were looking for you. We- we um, we found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Professor Dumbledore, meet Hans the Pool Boy."
Chapter 3: Disco Inferno
Harry wasn't sure what was going on, but he really didn't care what involved glowing yellow and neon pink paint and a dancing yet disturbing anteaters. He decided to change in the Gryffindor dormitory rather than have to endure curious passersby watching him.
All the sudden, for reasons unknown, Ron, Hermione and a strangely handsome yet familiar man/boy stood in front of him, blocking his way to the castle.
"Ron! Hermione! Strangely Handsome Yet Familiar Man/Boy!" Harry exclaimed.
"It's 'Hans,' Harry." Hermione sternly corrected him.
"Harry! Harry, you'll never believe what Hermione's decided to do!" Ron ejaculated loudly.
"What?"
"She's going to ask Dumbledore if Hans can be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" Ron yelled incredulously.
"Wait, wait, wait. Is Hans even a wizard or have any credentials at all?" Harry inquired from Hermione.
Hermione contemplated this question for a very long time. So long in fact, by the time she did speak, Harry was busy flirting with a random seventh year and Hans the Pool Boy had gone off in search of pools to protect from the overbearing. To protect for the weak and those trampled underfoot. Yes, Hans the Pool Boy, saving public pools/bathing facilities from polluting old men in tight Speedos and little pool-soiling children. Everywhere a pool is in danger or being controlled by demonic pool-dwelling mice, Hans the Pool Boy is there to say the day!
"No," Hermione finally responded.
"No previous recommendations? College degrees? Community service hours? Tutoring children falling behind in Algebra or the languages?"
"No, I don't think so, but he's hot so who cares?" Hermione said enthusiastically.
Harry definitely agreed. So it was decided that they take to now missing Hans the Super Pool Boy up to Dumbledore's office and see if he would take Hans on as the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.
INTERMISSION
I know, I know, right hat the pinnacle point of the story, eh? Well, too bad! Mwahahaha!
Shot to Darth Vader.
Random Person Out of View: Wrong set!
Shot back to Voldemort.
Voldemort: Ahem, thank you. Oh, by the way Har-Har, I got re-married.
Harry: WHAT?
Voldemort: Yes, she's really quite nice. A little strict, but I think you'll like her.
Harry: You got remarried without telling me?!
Voldemort: I only just found out you were my son five minutes ago!
Harry: That was never five minutes!
Voldemort: Sorry, I'm not allowed to argue.
Harry: But that was never five minutes!
Voldemort whistles.
Harry: Why not?
Voldemort: Your step-mother wishes to speak to you.
END OF INTERMISSION
The mismatching and rather idiotic foursome skipped stupidly across the open grounds and toward the grand steps that led into the castle. As Harry reached to open one of the gargantuan doors, he suddenly felt the overpowering sense of foreboding (MAJOR foreshadowing, guys). But, he ignored the sensation and the sudden pain in his scar even though every time he feels pain in his scar, something really bad happens shortly afterwards. We can safely say now, that Harry is an incompetent jock who, apparently, is a very slow learner. But, anyway, Harry pulled the door open with an ominous loud creak to see...
Darkness shrouding the entire entrance way. Nobody, not even an anomalous ghost was to be seen...until Harry crossed the threshold.
Suddenly, the lights went on accompanied by strobe lights and several disco balls gleaming in the brightness. The song Disco Inferno also played.
"What the-?"
"CONGRATULATIONS!" a voice sounded somewhere above. "YOU ARE THE MILLIONTH STUDENT TO WALK THROUGH THOSE DOORS INTO HOGWARTS!"
A huge roar of applause followed this outrageous announcement. It seemed the entire school had turned up for this completely pointless event.
"AND TO CELEBRATE, DRINKS ALL AROUND!"
Ever student and staff member there was now holding a bottle of some alcoholic substance. I seemed the anonymous voice had decided to do away with that watered down butter beer stuff and replace it with Budweiser, Michelob, Coors (light), and, for no real reason, Chiang Beer.
'Wow' Harry thought, 'I'm the millionth student to walk through those doors. Hehe, good thing I went in first.' At this, his excitement increased fifteen-fold. So much in fact, he decided to do something very stupid.
"FOSHIZZLE!"
I can tell you now, that everyone stopped talking and looked at Harry. They all had the same strange expression on their faces.
Filch put his hand on Harry's shoulder and looked sadly into his eyes, "Naw, man, naw." And everybody left, muttering.
The so-suddenly distracted foursome regained their drive, somewhat, and began once again for Dumbledore's office, only to run right into him next to the girls lavatories.
"Professor!" Hermione said, surprised. "We- we were looking for you. We- we um, we found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Professor Dumbledore, meet Hans the Pool Boy."